A monologue using beavers as a metaphor for Canadian stubbornness and grudge-holding against the U.S. The speaker traces trade grievances like Coca-Cola leaving Newfoundland and Heinz closing plants, then argues America's aggressive tariffs are pushing Europe, Mexico, and Asia to bypass it entirely, leaving the U.S. facing irrelevance rather than hatred.
Chapters
Beavers are petty little shits. In Russia a while back, city planners tore down a beaver dam to make way for some construction. The beavers waited till the middle of the night and then cut down every tree in the area and ripped up all the shrubs. Follow a beaver long enough and it'll hide a literal line of shit in your path to prevent you from getting closer. Beavers, like Canadians, some of the most vindictive sons of bitches you will ever meet. Case in point: 30 years ago, Coca-Cola pulled its bottling plant out of Newfoundland. To this day, Reddit is full of tourists saying, "Yo, what's with all the Pepsi here?" More than a decade ago, Heinz up and closed its 100-year-old bottling plant with no notice. 750 workers left in the lurch. The French's company stepped in. To this day, Canadians buy French's even though it's an American product. Don't believe me? Check the comments. Beavers. Like Canadians, are pleasant, but we hold a grudge longer than a Twinkie survives the apocalypse. You might say we put the rizz in resistance. And America, you might do well to check your own history of battles with your northern neighbours. Exhibit A: the day we burned your White House to the ground. Hell, your own national anthem is about that. Bombs bursting in air? Those are our bombs. The flag was still there? That's Francis Scott Key, stunned that an American flag still flew after we leveled Baltimore. We know your history better than you do. And that's the point. America has long reveled in the self-appointed title of "Leader of the Free World." I always thought it rather enjoys watching the world catch a cold when it sneezes. And now it's pushing its weight around to apply tariffs to almost every country in the world. And how is the world responding? London, this weekend. European countries meeting with Canada to cut America's trade out of the loop. Mexican tariffs on European imports slashed. EU restrictions dropped, allowing more investment in Mexico. India and the EU without America. Apex nations without America. Trans-Pacific countries without America. And after this whole trade war is over, years from now, when Trump's not even in office, how will the world view America? Not with hatred. Not even pity. But with the one thing America fears the most: irrelevance. This year in the Czech Republic, local authorities have been planning a big dam project for 7 years. Some local beavers moved in, built it in 2 days. Tariffs against Canada start tomorrow. Beavers, like Canadians, are petty as fuck. But we finish what we start.
