A satirical monologue argues that grounding Canada's 5,400 aircraft registered in the U.S. would devastate regional air service, canceling 2,600 daily flights and stranding 175,000 seats. The speaker notes Trump's administration previously tried to impose 300% tariffs on Bombardier jets, a move the trade commission rejected.
Chapters
Okay Donald, we're gonna go through this slowly. You said tonight that you're going to decertify Canadian aircraft because— what was it? Like we have too much purple in Canada and purple is woke or something? I've lost track of all of your strokes. Anyway, you want to ground all Canadian-made planes in our country. I am here on behalf of all Canadians to say: do it! Fucking do it, bud! We're ready! Why are we so excited about this idea? Let's review. Using the incredible power of basic arithmetic. So there are about 5,400 Canadian-built aircraft registered in the United States. Sorry about the big numbers. Roughly 2,600 of them are Bombardier jets. About 650 are CRJ regional airliners. Those CRJs alone operate more than 2,600 flights every single day in your country, offering about 175,000 seats daily. That is the plumbing of American air travel. Just those. Those are the planes connecting smaller American cities to major hubs. The flights from Des Moines and Knoxville and into Atlanta, Chicago, and Dallas. The kind of routes that keep what's left of your country functioning. You pull those planes out, you are not punishing us. You are canceling Grandma's connection in Omaha. And I know that planning is not your strong point, so let me play it out for you. Airlines would cancel thousands of flights within days. They would have to. There are not thousands of backup planes waiting around. Airports would be emptier than a screening of your wife's documentary. Smaller airports would close entirely. Regional economies would take a huge hit. That's families, business owners, some of them white people, Donald. During your first term, your Commerce Department proposed tariffs of nearly 300% on our Bombardier jets, the C-Series, all because your Boeing company was worried that people would prefer the Canadian offering. So much for the free market, eh? Do you remember what happened? The International Trade Commission unanimously rejected the case and the tariffs were scrapped. Do you remember why? Because it was fucking bonkers! Boeing didn't lose a single sale because of that aircraft. In fact, the C-Series became the Airbus A220, which is now assembled in both Canada and your United States, including Alabama. Grounding Canadian planes will not have any effect on us here in Canada. You will not be punishing Ottawa. You will be punishing Birmingham. It won't make America great. It'll just make it late. Late to work. Late to weddings. Late to chemotherapy. But hey, at least when someone misses their chemo appointment because their regional flight vanished, I'm sure they'll be comforting knowing that you owned the libs.
