A Canadian visits Australia and discovers coffee shops don't serve drip coffee, drivers are dangerously precise, and spiders are the size of hubcaps. He contrasts Australian bluntness with Canadian politeness while navigating the bewildering specialty drink menus and informal café queues.
Chapters
Australia as seen through Canadian eyes, part 3. Brace yourself. Unless I'm missing something, they do not appear to have drip coffee. Like, at all. You ask for a large coffee and they give you a pamphlet of options. I will say this though, their coffee is a religious experience, but God help you if you do not know what you're ordering. I ordered a caramel macchiato at the Powerhouse in Brisbane. To be clear, this is a caramel macchiato at home, but here I got this. In Canada, this is what the dentist gives you to spit into. We even have a name for it. We call it a thimble. And yet I had one sip and now I understand the meaning of life. Speaking of coffee shops, Australi— fuck! Ow, ow, ow! Speaking of coffee shops, Australians do not line up. They just sort of like hover. There's no next in line, there's just a vibe. Like, you can't tell if you're in line for coffee or just standing near people who are just there hanging out because they really like coffee. In Canada, we line up like we're being graded on posture. Australians are the best worst drivers I've ever seen in my life. Like, there are a lot of terrible drivers here, but they are really good at it. They are incredibly skilled at knowing exactly how much room they have to pass you dangerously, the precision of a neurosurgeon. Honestly, it's impressive. Everything Everything here wants to kill you. Spiders the size of hubcaps. Honestly, some of them look like they could qualify for a car loan. People here have told me there are feral koala bears who will drop out of trees to ambush you. I still can't get a straight answer on that, if that's real or not. Aussies live like danger is a spice. Something you sprinkle on your Tuesday. I'll tell you another thing I like about these people is they do not sugarcoat anything. A Canadian will walk 800 meters out of their way to avoid a slightly awkward conversation. Australians, if they're bored of you, they'll just tell you. "You're kind of a dick." If an Aussie doesn't like your haircut, they'll say, "Oi, what happened to ya head?" Anyway, we're going to a food truck festival in a bank today please follow for part 4.
