A comedian imagines Canada's collapse if 55,000 postal workers strike: suburban dads hoarding catalogs, moose-run delivery startups, knitting militias, and a black market for stamps. Beneath the absurdity is a serious argument for fair wages and decent contracts to keep essential services intact.
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Yup, there it is. Canada Post workers are going on strike again. 55,000 of them, on Friday. And some of you might shrug and say, "Who even sends letters anymore?" Let me paint you a picture of the chaos that's about to unfold. We'll start with the basics. We're not just talking about your uncle's Christmas card getting delayed until Easter. We're teetering on the brink of total societal collapse here. By next week, suburban dads will be huddled in basements, whispering into flashlights, clutching their unopened Canadian Tire catalogues like ancient relics of a lost civilization. And the knock-on effects? Without a functioning Canada Post, the country's last remaining fax machine, housed in a pharmacy in Moose Jaw, will be dusted off and called back into service like a Cold War relic. VC-funded moose delivery startups will flood the market with taglines like "Uber, but with antlers." This is how it begins, people. One week into the strike and the nation's grandmothers without birthday cards to write will unionize themselves and form a knitting militia. Amazon, unable to function without Canada Post's delivery network, will fold entirely. Jeff Bezos will move to Nunavut and start selling Inuit soapstone carvings on Etsy. But he won't be able to ship them! So he'll just sit there weeping into a sealskin parka. In Ottawa? Paralysis. Canadians won't pay taxes, the whole country will collapse into a lawless tax-free utopia held together only by passive aggression and Justin Trudeau posting Instagram pics of himself shirtless with the caption "Miss me now, bitches?" Meanwhile, love letters will be hand-delivered by exhausted cyclists on the pogie, Tinder will be replaced by smoke signals, and somewhere in the back alleys of Montreal, a black market will emerge for postage stamps. $100 a lick. No refunds if they're already damp. Now, to the folks who say "It's just mail, we'll survive." Sure, and if we cancel the CBC, I guess technically we're still a country too, but without daily door-to-door Indoor delivery? What's next, weather reports outsourced to Florida? Poutine recategorized as a salad? Come on, Canada Post. This isn't complicated. Pay your workers fairly. Give them a decent deal. Maybe something between poverty and retirement at 92. Because if your long-term strategy is to make everyone forget that mail exists, congratulations, you're crushing it. Just don't act surprised when the next thing in your mailbox is a pink slip. Delivered by moose. Follow me on PostagePaid.
