A satirical take on Team Canada's 2024 Olympic uniforms, designed by Lululemon in muted maroon and black. The speaker compares them to work-retreat clothes and a cranberry-harvesting miniseries, arguing the drab look reflects underfunded athletes and a lack of national pride compared to other countries' bolder designs.
Chapters
So exciting! 5 seconds till they reveal the Team Canada Olympic uniforms. I'm so excited— What?! Wha—? What the fresh hell is this!? Did someone screw up the memo? We're sending our athletes to the world's biggest stage dressed like they're headed to an outdoor work retreat. Look at them! Look into their soul! If these uniforms made noise, it would sound like this: Mimimimi. Like sweet suffering Jesus, who let Brenda from HR design these between performance reviews? This is Lululemon, by the way, who did these. Swear to God, I thought they'd unveiled their special Divorced Dad Picking Up Kids from Ski School collection. If you told me this was the new uniform for mall security at Woodgrove Center, I would believe you. Everything is muted in this. Layers of maroon, vests of maroon, jackets of maroon. It looks like our athletes are about to star in an underfunded miniseries about cranberry harvesting. It's quieter than I thought it would be. Just the wind and berries, yeah. Look at our 2024 uniforms. Bright! Flashy! Maybe a little too much like that print from the '80s that looked like a murder scene, but still better than this crap! Do you see the difference in the athletes? Last year. Next year. Last year! Next year. This guy looks like he's ready to give someone the shawinigan handshake over it, and I don't blame him. We barely pay our athletes anything! Most of them need second and third jobs to represent our country. Can we at least give them a little better drip? Oh, you want to see the signature piece? The main jacket? Here you go! Yup. Black. We're going with the literal absence of all colour. Now, every other country is rolling in like a parade float. What do the Americans have? I haven't looked, I assume it's jackets showing eagles shitting food stamps out of their asses. And here come the athletes of Team USA! At least that makes a statement. We're gonna walk in dressed like we got lost in the freezer aisle at Costco. Look, real talk, if there was ever a moment for Canada to stop whispering. It is right now. This is the Olympics. It's the biggest stage we get. We should be showing the planet that we are a proud, independent, sovereign nation. Instead of standing tall, we're gonna phone in like a "Sorry, I'm just gonna scootch by a little bit," like we're hoping no one even notices we're there. I'm not asking for sequins. Alright, I am asking for sequins, but I know I'm not gonna get sequins. I'm asking for a pulse. For a little swagger. For a uniform that tells the world that we are proud of who we are, not quietly hoping that no one notices us. When our underpaid, underappreciated, world-class athletes step out at the Opening Ceremony, they should look like Canada. Bold, bright, proud. Their uniform should walk into the stadium ready to make some noise, not— whatever tasteful winter loungewear collection this is.
