A Canadian on a cruise ship full of Australians discovers they're nothing alike. Australians treat bingo like a military operation and wear fancy clothes to dinner. Canadians sit quietly doing Sudoku while Australians jump in the pool with inflatable pineapples.
Australians on a cruise ship from the perspective of a Canadian. Guys, I was not prepared for how seriously Australians take bingo. This was the lineup just to buy ink dabbers. Bingo in Canada is where you sit in a huge room the size of an aircraft hangar full of cigarette smoke, lit by those fluorescent light tubes from the Diefenbaker era, and no matter which seat you sit on, there is an 86-year-old woman across from you who will not shut up. My daughter-in-law got the gonorrhea last week. And nobody was talking in the lineup. It It was weird. Like, so far I've found Australians to be very chatty in lineups and elevators. Like, uncomfortably chatty. You could be in an elevator and someone will go, "Oi, did you smell that fart some guy did on 7?" And you'll go like, "I'm sorry, are we related now? Is that how this works?" In Canada, if someone talks to you in an elevator, you get off on the next floor, even if it's not yours, and then file a complaint with HR. The only thing anyone said to me was, I hope you brought your A-game, mate. My A-game? This is the bingo line, right? Listen, the Aussies are dead serious about bingo. The place was packed. You could hear a pin drop. The whole left side had a pregame stretching routine. There was a team with matching shirts that read, eyes down, mouth shut. After bingo, Jocelyn and I went to the dining room, the classy one where there's like a dress code and Everyone pretends they know what a reduction is. The Australians show up in linen shirts that cost more than my airfare. Like, they look like they've just come from solving a jewel heist in Monaco. Also, can people explain this to me? It's July and there are Christmas trees, like, everywhere on this ship. Oh, by the way, it's out on the deck where you see the big differences. Canadians bring Sudoku and we read in shaded corners like we're in a maritime retirement home. The Aussies are just falling into the pool with a stranger's inflatable pineapple in one hand and a literal bucket of rum in the other. It's impressive. This is what makes Australians so confusing. They break every Canadian social code and they do it with like such earnest friendliness. So here's what I've learned. The Australians here, think that they are being laid back and relaxed. The Canadians think that they are being adventurous and spontaneous, and somehow we're both right. And Bingo was his name-o.
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
