In this profanityāladen, comedic rant, Tod Maffin vents his frustration after repeatedly receiving unsolicited snack and cereal products from Canadian manufacturers despite asking them to stop. He lists specific brands and locationsāOne Degree (Abbotsford), Cabin 5 (Kelowna), Ganong (New Brunswick), Comeback Snacks (Hamilton), Wildly Canadian (Thunder Bay), Cookie Cutter (Zackville), Oh Fudge (Prince Edward Island), and a gummy maker from Squamishādetailing what he finds absurd about their flavors or ingredients (e.g., espressoāinfused granola, lemonāmeringue popcorn, chocolateāfilled caramel, potatoābased fudge, exotic gummy flavors). Maffin criticizes the lack of respect for ācaramelās feelings,ā mocks unconventional ingredient choices, and praises One Degreeās supplyāchain transparency. He directs viewers to his website snacks.todmaffin.com, where he has compiled a ānameāandāshameā list and encourages the audience to buy out the products to punish the companies. The overall tone is angry, sarcastic, and humorous, using profanity to emphasize his exasperation.
Chapters
No, I take it all back. Canadians are terrible people. Fuck these people. 3 times now I have asked Canadian snack food and breakfast cereal makers to stop sending me their delicious products. This was half of them. Well, the time has come to name and shame every single one of these brands that sent me something. I've now put on my website along with information on where you can buy their products so you too can send them a piece of your mind. And we're going to start with these fucking douche canoes. One Degree from Abbotsford. Oatmeal, granola. I tried some in milk, okay? It turned it into chocolate milk. And then you scan this QR code and it'll tell you where every ingredient came from for that batch. This oat company has more supply chain transparency than the federal government. I find this very upsetting. Oh, and Cabin 5 Granola from Kelowna. Spicy Campfire Maple. Granola is supposed to be bland, like cardboard that's given up. This had seeds and cayenne and cinnamon. One of their granolas literally had espresso in it. Like, there are granola recipes online. You don't have to make up weird shit. Are there chicken bones in one of them? Because that's what Ganong from New Brunswick apparently does. Not literally chicken bones, they're more like spicy cinnamon candy with chocolate on the inside. Why are you sending these to me? Yes, they're delicious, but stop. And who puts chocolate inside? You know, like these people, Comeback Snacks from Hamilton. It's popcorn, but is it caramel popcorn like a normal brand? No, it's lemon meringue. And I ate a whole bag of it in about 30 seconds standing in my kitchen just staring at my fridge. Do not judge me. Why can't they be like Wildly Canadian from Thunder Bay, which does make caramel popcorn, but then they were like, "Yo, let's put some chocolate in there too." "Yeah, I know, let's put some cookie cream on there too." What is wrong with you people? You don't disrespect caramel like that! Caramel has feelings! Cookie Cutter from Zackville also does not care about caramel's feelings. They started with these really good spicy vegan ginger cookies, and then they're like, "I know, let's make some out of caramel," and then you put one in your mouth, and then they melt a little, and now you're basically mainlining caramel. Again, what is with Canadian snack food brands and their ingredient list? Flour, sugar, oil, baking soda, and salt. That is how my grandmother made cookies. Have some respect. Oh Fudge is from this tiny shop on Prince Edward Island. They make fudge out of, and I know you Canadians know what's coming, potatoes. And it is the best fudge I've ever eaten. PEI has been sitting on this information for years, apparently making entire product lines out of potatoes, and I think we owe it to ourselves to ask what else they're hiding. And then I got gummies from Squamish. I've met people from Squamish. I had certain assumptions about what those gummies might contain, and I was wrong. These had flavors that are not real. Sour Cherry Cola, Blackberry Lemonade. And the problem with ingredient lists that are just, yeah, it's fruit, sugar, and pectin, is that you can taste the blackberries. You can taste the lemonade. It's weird. Also send me more. Don't send me more! Anyway, there are others that ignored my request to send me any, so I will be naming and shaming them too. And if you want to punish these companies as well, go to snacks.todmaffin.com so you can learn where they sell them. Some of them even sell to Americans. Deplete their stocks. Teach them a lesson.
