A comedian riffs on Dunkin' Donuts returning to Canada to do what Tim Hortons has stopped doing: sell a plain donut and decent coffee. He mocks Tim Hortons' bloated menu, loyalty app, and reliance on charity campaigns like the $130 million Smile Cookie initiative to stay relevant.
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Dunkin' Donuts is coming back to Canada, and I for one cannot wait. Because speaking on behalf of all Canadians, do you know what we want from our donut stores? Donuts! Are you listening, Tim Hortons? Sometimes a guy wants a lukewarm coffee in a fucking cruller. You know what I don't want? A venti chai limeachino habanero veggie cheddar bowl with Tuscan sauce. Are you collecting points? Will that be on your app? Shut up! Nobody wants your app. Nobody cares about your magic Timmy Points. I'm just trying to get some sugar at 7 in the morning without a loyalty account and a password. I want a donut. From a menu we can read, it's not flipping all over the place, served quickly, stale, by someone who does not make eye contact with us, as God intended. Yes, I know there are breakfast sandwiches now. You know what I want when I go through a drive-through for breakfast? A donut! I don't want anything artisanal. I want fried dough. Have you tried ordering a donut from Tim Hortons? On a good day they'll have 3: Apple Fritter, Crueller, and I'm sorry, that's all we have. Tim Hortons has donuts the way I have abs. Technically possible, rarely witnessed. And then you go, well, I guess I'll order a sandwich. Sandwich now, because you know everything is hell anyway, and it somehow comes both frozen and burnt. There's only two reasons we even keep Timmies around. First, so the Americans can take their selfies there and pretend they're Canadian. And two, for their charities. Tim Hortons, despite no longer being wholly Canadian-owned, does some pretty good things. They send 315,000 low-income youth to leadership camps, they support youth hockey, and their Smile Cookie campaign raises $130 million for local charities. But buddy, Get some donuts and fix your coffee. I don't know what is in that mug, but it violates the Geneva Convention. Stop being so fancy. None of us are. All we want is decent coffee, a choice of donuts, a place to sit down and complain about curling. Timmies, you had one job. Now Dunkin's coming 3,000 kilometers back to do it for you. And I don't know why they call it donuts. They should have called it no nuts.
