Hoser Monkey investigates a homemade Nanaimo bar like a detective, spotting Bird's Custard, improper chocolate tempering, and a Celtic ring mark. He traces it to Christ Anglican Church in Abernathy, Saskatchewan, using clues from the bake sale and church freezer damage.
Find me, Hoser Monkey! You asked me to find out where this Nanaimo bar came from, so I did. Hi, I'm Hoser Monkey, and I find Canadian snacks that ask to be found. So what can we see? Custard, a plate, and look closely at that chocolate. We'll come back to that. Now right away I can tell this isn't just any normal Nanaimo bar. This isn't some mass-produced grocery store slab. This is handcrafted, possibly weaponized. Did you spot the first thing? Obviously it's backwards, so I flipped it. But look at that middle layer, the custard. That yellow is too yellow. That's Bird's Custard, the authentic British one. I looked at various shades of Bird's Custard through the decades and I couldn't find the exact color. So then I thought about places where there was probably a high number of British people, and I immediately thought of Victoria. But then I noticed the bottom layer. Dense, crumbly, no visible nuts. This tells me it comes from a place that caters to kids, or seniors, or possibly someone with a legal history involving allergic reactions. So we're not talking fancy hipster café, which rules out Vancouver Island. We're talking community centre bake sale, or a "sorry for your loss" tray from a co-op in Saskatchewan. Then I saw the biggest clue of all. The top layer of chocolate? It's cracked. Because they didn't temper the chocolate properly. You only get cracking like that if you store the bars in a church freezer between the fish sticks and the body of Christ. So now I'm thinking Anglican Church. Maybe United. And that's when I saw it. A ring mark. A raised pattern, likely a rip-off from a Celtic ring, or Scottish, which means this was handed to you by a woman named something like Eileen or Moira. So I searched for Scottish strongholds in Saskatchewan and found Abernathy, which was settled by the Scots. So I ran a search for Anglican church halls within Abernathy with my open source database with recent bake sales, funeral receptions, and youth choir fundraisers. And guys, that was it. You got that in Imelbart here at Christ Anglican Church on Burton Street in Abernathy, Saskatchewan at about 2:43 PM just after you pretended to care about the silent auction. And if none of this makes sense to you, go follow the real José Monkey. He's amazing. And guys, that was it. You were here.
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
