The YouTube video is a comedic musical parody performed by Tod Maffin, modeled after the patter song “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major‑General.” In a rapid, tongue‑in‑cheek delivery, Maffin lists a litany of Canadian cultural touchstones—CBC debates, the Quebec Nordiques, Celine Dion’s choreography, the Tragically Hip discography, Degrassi genealogy, Saskatchewan spelling, Heritage Minutes, double‑double coffee, Roughrider fandom, NDP vs Liberal voting, land acknowledgements, and more. Interspersed are repeated lines from speakers B and C, creating a call‑and‑response feel. The lyrics also mock superficial cultural gestures (powwow bow, Amazon‑bought drum, Burning Man) and blend affectionate pride with self‑deprecating irony, presenting a hyper‑exaggerated portrait of what it means to be a “modern‑day Canadian.”
Chapters
I am the very model of a modern-day Canadian. I watch each CBC debate like I'm their ombudsmanian. I cheered for the Quebec Nordiques and watched them get betrayed again. I keep the U in neighbour like a linguistic contrarian. I practice doing all of Celine Dion's choreography. Collected every part of the Tragically Hip discography. I mapped the rise of Bob and Doug like cultural geography. I charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy.
Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy. Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy.
Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy.
I know to keep my distance from the Roughriders and all their fans. I tell my friends I'm NDP, but vote the Liberals in again. I know the goddamn difference between Casey and Finnegan, and if you don't, then brace your neck for a little handshake show and again.
I know the goddamn difference between Casey and Finnegan, and Casey's a professional but never has his shot.
For me, pepper, I put it on my plate. I learned to spell Saskatchewan, but really just phonetically. I know the whole Heritage Minute catalog pathetically. I bargained over double doubles jaywalking in Montreal, left shivering in a tukwul shouting, "This is not that cold at all." I spent my childhood building forts with Chesterfields and moose head cans. I'm watching shows with a giraffe and a small rooster in a bag and knew the taste of dry white gravel from a thousand games of tag. I spelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey bag.
We spelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey bag. We spelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey bag. We spelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey bag.
I offered land acknowledgement from someone else's land. I ran, I clapped off beat at a powwow and bowed like I was in Japan. I bought a drum from Amazon and played it like a frying pan. I said, "I really honor this." Then mix it up with Burning Man.
<LYRICS>He bought a jet from Amazon and treated it like a bike, and he's actually a really, really, really, really stupid man.</LYRICS> Those aren't the lyrics.
<LYRICS>In short, we're proud to be sovereign and we don't deport immigrants. We don't dream up crises to start another futile war again. Our kids dodge homework, not live rounds. Our helpers are barbarian. We are the very model of the modern-day Canadian.</LYRICS> Woo!
