The transcript captures a studio rehearsal of a comedic musical number that parodies the classic patter song “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major‑General.” Tod Maffin and several singers (labeled Speakers A‑E) perform a Canadian‑themed version, delivering rapid‑fire lyrics that list stereotypical Canadian cultural touchstones, political quirks, and personal memories. The piece references CBC debates, the Quebec Nordiques, Celine Dion’s choreography, The Tragically Hip discography, Degrassi genealogy, Saskatchewan spelling, Heritage Minutes, double‑double coffee, hockey pads, land acknowledgments, Burning Man, and health‑care commentary. Interspersed are rehearsal directions (e.g., “redo the take,” “sing in key”) and repeated lines for emphasis. The performance blends satire, nostalgia, and a tongue‑in‑cheek celebration of Canadian identity, while also showcasing the collaborative dynamics of a multi‑voice recording session.
Chapters
I'm gonna pan those tracks into the middle a little bit just to fill in the center. Uh, Tod, are you ready?
Yep.
I'm the very model of a modern-day Canadian. I watch each CBC debate like I'm their ombudsmanian. I cheered for the Quebec Nordiques and watched them get betrayed again. I keep the U in neighbour like a linguistic contrarian. I practice doing all of Celine Dion's choreography. Collected every part of The Tragically Hip's discography. I mapped the rise of Bob and Doug like cultural geography. I charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy.
Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy. Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy. Charted the Degrassi Kids' most likely genealogy.
I know to keep my distance from the Roughriders and all their fans. I tell my friends I'm NDP, but vote the Liberals in again. I know the goddamn difference between Casey and Finnegan, and if you don't, then brace your neck for a little handshake showin' again.
I know the goddamn difference between Casey and Finnegan, and if you don't, then brace your neck for a little handshake showin' again.
For me, pepper, I put it on my plate. I learned to spell Saskatchewan, but really just phonetically. I know the whole Heritage Minute catalog pathetically. I bargained over double doubles jaywalking in Montreal, left shivering in a tukwul shouting, "This is not that cold at all." I spent my childhood building forts with Chesterfields Moose at Canton, watching shows with a giraffe and a small rooster in a bag, and knew the taste of driveway gravel from a thousand games of tag. I smelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey pads.
I smelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey pads. I smelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey pads. I smelled the fermentation of my sister's unwashed hockey pads.
I offered land acknowledgement from someone else's land. I ran, I clapped, I beat it at powwow and bowed like I was in Japan. I bought a drum from Amazon and played it like a frying pan. I said, "I really honor this." Then mix it up with Burning Man.
<LYRICS>He bought a jet from Amazon and painted it like a frying pan. He's actually a really, really, really, really stupid man.</LYRICS> Those aren't the lyrics.
<LYRICS>In short, we're proud to be sovereign and we don't deport immigrants. We don't dream up crises to start another futile war again. Our kids dodge homework, not live rounds. Our health care's a barbarian. We are the very model of the modern-day Canadian.</LYRICS> Would you believe me if I told you she is sunshine?
Would you understand the beauty that I see? Her fire burns so bright that I know it can only be sunshine.
I feel the rays of a distant light wash over me. But I know that a radiance so true cannot be mine.
Yet it seems I'm dazzled by the shine. This I can't deny.
And yet I stand smiling as the luster meets my eyes, smiling though the glimmer leaves me blind. Would you believe me if I told you she is sunshine?
Would you understand the beauty that I see?
The fire burns so bright that I know it can only be sunshine. I feel the rays of a distant light wash over me. I feel the rays of a distant light wash over me.
I feel the rays of a Tod Maffin, could we do it one more time? And this time, um, try singing in the same key as the music.
