Tod Maffin rates Canadian snacks from across the country, including Climax Mixture candies, Dosh corn nuts in ketchup and dill pickle flavors, and 3 Farmers fava beans. He warns against buying Kickass Caramels because they're so good they sell out, and skips a Powell River sample that was literally bottled Sasquatch farts.
Chapters
Yeah, good move, Western Canada. You blew it. This whole Canadian snacks project, which I've been forced to do against my will because these companies will not stop sending me their samples. You could have played along like the rest of the country, but no, one city has screwed this up for all of Western Canada. Powell River, who sent me farts. Bottled Sasquatch farts. I want to be very clear. I can't believe I have to say this. Farts are not a snack. So fuck it, we're going to do Atlantic Canada now. Screw the West. First of all, from the province that brought you dildo and Virgin Cove comes, of course, Climax Mixture. These are hard candies in flavours like fruit, and other fruit, and probably a berry. Look, the flavours are really great, they don't matter. Some of us have simply given up on joy and are outsourcing it to hard candy. You know who also didn't send me farts? Sable Shortbread from Nova Scotia. But even they screwed this up, okay? First of all, I read the ingredients: sugar, butter, flour, milk. Look, even I can do this, and I need a recipe to make ice cubes. Except then they added icing, and then Jocelyn took most of these away, something about my own good. And now some snacks brought to you by my sponsor, the prairies. 'Come for the canola, stay because the bar closes at 10 because everyone has cattle.' Okay, these are great. I do not know what the people at Dosh are making these out of. They're like corn nuts except they're smaller and you don't have to schedule dental work after. And they have a ton of flavors: cinnamon, ketchup, dill pickle, ranch, garlic, and pepper. These are all different flavors. I do not know what they're made of. Some kind of wheat grain, I assume, because Saskatchewan. I have eaten an embarrassing quantity of them and I regret nothing. Now, if you prefer your nuts to be bigger, 3 Farmers from Saskatoon. These are fava beans. No, I do not know what those are either, but they're like the big brother of the Wheat Crunch. If your evenings involve chain-smoking Heated Rivalry and dropping something salty into your mouth every 30 seconds, these are for you. Also, they have these mixes too. Now listen to me very carefully. Do not buy Kickass Caramels from Alberta. I require their stock to be available to me at all hours of the day. They have maple, they have rum and butter, but the salted caramel I actually had a dream about. This was originally a side hustle by a nurse. Now her whole family makes these, and I need their inventory to remain available to me Specifically. So please, out of respect for whatever this is that we have, do not buy these. Links to all these Canadian snacks are at snacks.todmaffin.com.
