A mock-legal apology forces Canadian writer Tod Maffin to retract his slandering of almonds, complete with absurd anecdotes about Kevin the terrarium almond in Regina and a 1997 Moose Jaw experiment. The Department for the Ethical Export of Zonal Nuts under Tree Stewardship demands he recite their motto and display an almond emoji for three seconds.
Chapters
Doing it right now! My lawyer says I need to read this letter which I just received from the general counsel of the Department for the Ethical Export of Zonal Nuts under Tree Stewardship, which is apparently a real organization and not just a Facebook group run by some guy named Doug. Ahem. Canadian writer, journalist, and snack industry puppet Tod Maffin is a massive tool. Almonds can grow in Canada. Almonds have grown in Canada. One almond is currently growing in Canada. It lives in a terrarium in Regina, and its name is Kevin, and it is thriving. Emotionally, if not botanically. In 1997, at least 22 almonds were successfully germinated in a heated shed in Moose Jaw, and they survived for almost 4 days. Mr. Maffin regrets his earlier remarks and acknowledges that almonds have rights and feelings and lobbyists. He also retracts his statement that almonds are simply a crunchy delusion invented by bored Mennonites. Tod Maffin's anti-almond rhetoric have clearly been influenced by the big cashew industrial complex. We've asked Mr. Maffin to remind viewers of our organization's official motto: "If we can dream it, and ignore zoning bylaws, we can grow it." As a gesture of goodwill, Mr. Maffin will now display the emoji of an almond on screen for 3 seconds. This concludes the statement. Mr. Maffin may now return to yelling at grocery stores.
