A comedian imagines the Toronto Blue Jays beating the Los Angeles Doorknobs in the World Series, riffing on confetti cannons, nachos, shirtless fans knocking over barbecues, and the chaos of a city-wide celebration. Hyper-bolic, slang-filled, and absurd.
Woo! My favourite sports team, the Toronto BJs, have absolutely demolished Los Angeles Doorknobs to win the legendary World Series trophy. The one that looks like someone tried to design a fruit bowl after a concussion. If I didn't have common sense, I would rent theatre lighting and a smoke machine to celebrate. I am their biggest fan. I knew it all along. They are the best at running around a diamond and that part where they move the object in the correct direction at the right time. Woo! I told you so! You could feel the excitement across the whole region. What a season! So many memorable moments. Like that time when it looked like it was bad and then it wasn't, and then it was bad again, but they rallied because that's what sportsball winners do. And my favorite player, you know who I'm talking about, I don't even need to say the name. He or she or they are so good at all the fast stuff they do and also good at the non-fast parts of the game. And credit to the coaches for that decision that everyone agreed was smart after the fact. I was on the edge of my seat. The confetti cannons fired. Some of the confetti landed in my nachos. I still ate the nachos. Why? Because that's what champions do! Oh man, I almost lost my shit when the refs made that call. Was it a correct call? Damned if I know. The only important thing is that we all yelled. And the crowd— wow! The crowd— you guys did all the crowd things. They stood and then they sat and then they repeated that a bunch of times and then someone fell down and then everyone clapped and then they held those drinks to the reusable cups that are always little too small. Good cop work all around, fellow Superfan. Oh, and the funny chant with the thing at the end. You know, the region or city or province of Toronto is already celebrating. Honking horns, waving towels, standing on top of a 2003 Corolla. That one guy running around the street shirtless knocking over barbecues, you know he's there. Anyway, truly my congratulations, my winning team, the Toronto BJs. Thank God we weren't playing Vancouver, because if we were, the city'd be on fire by now.
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
