Tod MaffinCanadian Commentator, From Far and Wide · Emotional Support Canadian

My #CPAP adventures: Anastasia Steele had it easy.

28 Aug 2025 · 1 min

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1:28

In this humorous vlog, the creator recounts his first week using a CPAP machine, describing the nose‑pillow mask as painfully uncomfortable— likening it to a gentle form of waterboarding— and the eight‑foot hose as a nightly wrestling match with industrial plumbing. He jokes about the machine’s “progress reports” that tell him he’s terrible at sleeping, and muses that his love language has become compatible replacement parts. The monologue expands into a broader reflection on middle age, framing it as a series of peace treaties with medical appliances. He also mentions starting Invisalign braces for crowded teeth and vanity, concluding that he feels like a walking aisle of Canadian‑Tire medical gear. A brief pop‑culture quip from a second speaker (“I find your lack of faith disturbing”) adds a Star Wars reference.

Chapters

Many of you have asked for an update on the CPAP machine, and here it is. I hate it. I hate every minute I'm strapped to it. I know it's my first week and I've only had one mask, and I'm going in tomorrow to try on some new ones, but honestly, I have a NosePillow mask, which everyone says is the most comfortable, but it feels like something a Canadian committee would come up with if it were asked to invent a gentler form of waterboarding. Like, these things are comfortable in the same way that, like, hockey skates are comfortable if you wear them long enough. By the time morning comes, I've got red welts across my face. It looks like I passed out at a Tupperware party. How can 1 millimeter of silicone hurt this much? But the real joy of this contraption is the hose. The hose is 8 feet long, so at 3 in the morning when you roll over, suddenly you're in a wrestling match with industrial plumbing. A match you do not win. And then every morning, the machine gives you a little progress report. Every night I've had it so far, the progress report has essentially been, "Wow, you really suck at sleeping." It's not exactly sexy either, unless your idea of foreplay is cosplaying a discount cosmonaut while Darth Vader makes animal balloons. At this point, my love language is just compatible replacement parts. And that's what I'm learning about aging. Middle age is not about comfort. It is about negotiating peace treaties with medical appliances. Oh, and I'm also getting those Invisalign braces because my teeth are so crowded I have to go in for cleanings every 2 or 3 months. And also vanity. So yeah, soon I will just be a walking Canadian Tire aisle. Straps, hoses, valves, and enough plastic to qualify for a recycling refund.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.