A comedian outlines a fictional six-phase Canadian invasion of the U.S., using syrup, poutine, and Zambonis as weapons. The bit mocks American politics, gun control, and healthcare by suggesting the country would surrender for free insulin and stricter background checks.
Breaking news! Canada's military plans for the annexation of America have been leaked, and I am the first to break the story. It is called Operation Goose Fury, and the blueprint is simple. We don't just storm the beaches, we walk across the border while Republicans are in basement support groups admitting that Rachel Maddow makes them feel all tingly in their no-no squares. The first wave: Vermont and New Hampshire. They're practically Canadian already. Half their economy runs on syrup and flannel. We take them before breakfast, and nobody notices until Bernie Sanders starts giving campaign speeches in French. Phase 2: The Third Poutine Armored Division takes Michigan and Wisconsin. Our intelligence found the locals are vulnerable because they keep forgetting which one has Detroit and which one has cheese. That confusion is our strategic window. Phase 3: We advance on Pennsylvania and Ohio. In Pennsylvania, we just replace Hershey bars with Coffee Crisp, and in Ohio, we rename every town Springfield so they get lost on the way to the resistance. GG ez. Phase 4: Texas. Forget tanks, we just show up with stricter background checks. Within minutes, the entire state surrenders rather than filling out a 2-page form. We'll also be in the major cities handing out insulin for free. It will be the first invasion in history where the locals surrender voluntarily just to get a prescription filled. Next, we will send the Royal Mounted Zamboni Regiment into Nevada. They'll fix every slot machine so they only pay out in Canadian Tire money. 8 hours later, Vegas is a ghost town. Phase 6: Oregon and Washington. This is the easiest. We just cut off the oat milk supply. Seattle police panic and surround the strategic kombucha reserve. Portland just straight up lights itself on fire and we don't have to lift a finger. And finally, Florida. Technically we already own it 6 months of the year, so we don't need weapons, we just enforce a driver's test for anyone over 70. Within days the highways are empty and Disney World is finally ours. Now will this plan succeed? Of course not. We can't finish twinning the Trans-Canada. But if you think this is absurd, remember: the Americans have tried to invade Canada twice. And lost twice. And that's not counting the militias that tried to take us over and trade us for Irish independence. Even the Americans since then, we're like, "Come on, guys, knock it off." America, the country that hasn't won a war since McDonald's stopped serving pizza 33 years ago. Remind me again, who's the superpower?
We're gonna win so much, you may even get tired of winning. And you'll say, "Please, please, it's too much winning. We can't take it anymore. Mr. President, it's too much." And I'll say, "No, it isn't. We have to keep winning. We have to win more. We're gonna win more. We're gonna win so much. I love you all." Thank you.
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
