McDonald's has used Canada as a testing ground for bizarre menu items: the Arch Deluxe with Dijon mayo, the McLobster, McMini sliders with pesto and mango, a Toasted Deli Sandwich that needed its own station, and a Nanaimo Bar Crumble Sundae. Only poutine survived.
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Alright, since we are all talking about that McDonald's video, may I remind you that there is a boardroom at their corporate offices where their executives look at a map of the world, point at Canada, and say, "Yeah, they'll eat it." And they're not wrong. For decades, McDonald's has used this country as its personal test kitchen. We have tested already Germany, Canada. Feeding Canadians experimental food with the confidence of a pharmaceutical company running trials on people who have not yet signed consent forms. Take this abomination, the Arch Deluxe. They tested it here 30 years ago, calling it a taste of the month, which is Canadian for we're not really sure if this was food yet. It was supposed to be a sophisticated burger for sophisticated adults. It's a burger with Dijon mayonnaise! They killed it off in 1999. Why? Because it's terrible! They spent hundreds of millions of dollars on it and it bombed. But that is nothing compared to, and I am not making this up, the McLobster, which is exactly what it sounds like and should have stayed a fever dream. A lobster roll in a hot dog bun with wilted lettuce introduced in the early '90s. Like, what was the marketing brief for this? The Newfies will eat anything? I mean, yes, the Newfies will eat anything, but have some respect for our most cherished people. I love this product. Then there was the McMini, which was also unique to Canadian locations. Basically sliders and flavors like pesto and Thai and some horrible, possibly radioactive sludge called zesty mango. We were also the test subjects for the Toasted Deli Sandwich, which was available here for like half an hour in 2005 before they clued in they needed an entirely separate toasting station and realized they were not a Quiznos. They also had a an Nanaimo bar crumble sundae, which is, of course, sacrilege. A Nanaimo bar is a gift from God, okay? It's not meant to be squeezed out of a machine by a teenager in Etobicoke. Chocolate custard— is it snowing? A coconut graham crust hand-assembled by 8th generation monks on Mount Benson. Turning it into a McFlurry topping is the equivalent of playing O Canada on a kazoo. Like, you can, it's just deeply rude. And the one you're waiting for? Poutine. To their credit, at least they first tested it in Quebec, which was ballsy, then added it to the national menu in 2013. This is really the one experiment that actually worked. Is it poutine the way poutine is supposed to be? No. But what the hell is even this? We let some things slide. If it's so good, then tell me why the CEO won't even try.
