A Canadian comedian mocks Americans for cheese in a can and corn-syrup bread while declaring a fake invasion of Seattle with moose and Mounties. He swears a lot and makes up ridiculous military commands, playing up every stereotype he can think of.
Listen, we love Americans. You're like the slow cousins we only ever see at weddings. But listen, buddy, we will never be your 51st state. Never. It's not that we don't appreciate everything you've done for the world. Cheese that shoots out of a can? That probably wasn't easy. Corn syrup in bread? Whatever. Reality TV stars running your country? Like, you do you, okay? Like, we're not mad. We're not mad. We're just— we're just done. It's over. You gotta stop texting. We like our country the way it is. Our kids dodge homework here, not live rounds. Our culture wars are about whether pulled pork belongs on poutine, and by the way, it does not, so stop fucking doing that. We're pretty protective of what we got up here, and despite what Chairman Trump says, our military is pretty good. Fun fact: we train your military. You might remember that time in the 1800s when we burned your White House to the ground. And now bear with me as I speak in Canadian so my country folk will understand. Chirpin' hosers got stuffed so hard the head knobcheese there wouldn't smucker the back end of a toonie, so we load the skookum zamboni with some buttes, start the kokahala, cross the Peter Mann's Bridge, and cheeseball those douche canoes with enough KD to clog the I-5. Those are military commands, by the way. Watch your back. We march on Seattle in the morning. Moose up front, Mounties in the back. At 0600, we roll in with butter tarts and Nanaimo bars. You better have your manners ready.
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
