Roll Up the Regrets

So Alberta wants to leave Canada. Fair enough. If you believe the hype, they're on the verge of a referendum to see if they can become a sovereign nation. They even sent their question to a judge this week to see if it's legal, which to me sounds like the political equivalent of saying, "I'm running away from home!" and then asking your mom if she can pack you a lunch for the road. But hey, if Alberta's thinking of leaving, maybe we should take a look around the country and figure out what else they could pack up and hit the highway with. First up, roll up the rim. We all love the old contest cup. You rolled it, maybe you won, probably you didn't, and moved on. Now it's all digital, and the so-called prizes are a 10% off coupon for a breakfast sandwich so rubbery it could be used to reinforce your mukluks. And while you're packing, can you people please take every airport Tim Hortons? The line is 45 minutes, the coffee is lukewarm, and somehow the sandwiches are both frozen and burnt. Then, every cell phone provider's customer service can also go take them. They're basically empty rooms now anyway. You are not really a Canadian unless you've spent an entire afternoon on hold only to be told to reboot the modem. Oh, and Pac Rogers first. That time a few years ago when they went down for like 15 hours nationwide, they released a 9,700-word apology that basically said, "Something happened, we're not really sure, but it probably wasn't our fault." Then, For the love of God, please take with you the Leafs playoff hype machine. Every spring, the national sports channels go wall-to-wall with coverage. Like, this is the year. This is the year the Toronto Maple Leafs get out of the— Every spring, the rest of the country gets the joy of watching it all go down in flames. In case you don't know, the Leafs have not won the Stanley Cup since 1967. The Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! That's as old as Medicare in this country. That's so old the Order of Canada didn't exist. I wasn't even born then! And I qualify for the seniors discount at Shoppers Drug Mart. Yeah, also true. Then also please take with you the Weather Network's "feels like" temperature. Either it's -15 or it's not. Saying "Souris, PEI feels like -30" is just Doppler radar with emotional damage. Next up, the Senate. Screw that place. I mean, not the concept at sober second thought. Just our Senate, which moves with the speed and urgency of a dial-up modem in Sudbury. It took Parliament, including the Senate, 27 years from idea to law to pass a bill making hockey a national sport. 27 years. Yeah, maybe they don't need to be part of the Federation anymore. Maybe we just need to rotate in some grumpy Québécois language police. At least those people know how to get shit done. Next up, Facebook groups. Zuckerberg had a tantrum, blocked legitimate news in Canada, but he didn't shut down the actual source of dangerously fake bullshit masquerading as news. These Facebook groups, have you been in them lately? They're just full of 72-year-old white guys named Harold who think owning the libs is posting memes from 2013. I mean, half of them are yours anyway, take them! Finally, Kevin fucking O'Leary. This guy's convinced American media that he's Canada's spokesperson. He's not. He ran for the Conservative leadership and quit halfway through when people found out he couldn't speak French. Which is a bit like applying for the Pope and admitting that you haven't actually read the Bible. But hey, Alberta, go if you must. Kevin could be your foreign minister. And if you do go, remember to grab the things I listed. Mom's already making your lunch. But honestly, I hope you stay. Your family. Sure, you're the family member that keeps chirping on about the Freedom Convoy at the table, but Canada wouldn't be Canada without you. Besides, if you go, who else is going to make fun of Mrs. Foggott with me? In looking at the probability of winning, that was my problem.