Spring is Fake News.

I know many of you Americans are coming north to visit Canada soon. I think it's time that I tell you the truth. A lot of Canadians are not going to like me for disclosing this to you, but I feel like we've developed a bit of a relationship and you deserve to know the real story. And then, you know, you can decide for yourself if you want to come up here or not. I am sorry to tell you this, but spring, the season It's fake news. We don't have spring up here. Canada has exactly 2 seasons: winter and construction. Winter is most of the year, and then suddenly, like, it's 30 degrees and you're being attacked by mosquitoes the size of sparrows. Now I know you probably see "spring" written on our calendars. First of all, just obviously that whole industry is controlled by Big Calendar, but mostly we use that word only because "winter with a personality disorder" doesn't fit. There are some Canadians who are still surprised by this, newcomers mostly. It hits mid-April, we get like a little bit of sun, and then we're all prancing around in shorts and t-shirts like we're suddenly living in the tropics. We dance, we frolic, we buy popsicles, and then bam, snowstorm the next day. And then, like one giant art piece, that the entire country performs together, we walk around acting surprised. Can you believe the snow, buddy? Every single year. We should sell tickets. We do have shoulder seasons, though they are mostly regional, of course. Mud season, for one. This is mostly Manitoba, where everything is brown and wet and still somehow partially frozen. In Alberta, it's pothole season around the same time. Holes deep enough to swallow a Miata. In Vancouver, it's that period where the rain falls straight down rather than sideways. And around the Kingston, Ontario region, it's when the air is more insect than oxygen. And yes, in some regions there is a brief day of lukewarm, but that is not spring. That is a clerical error. Decades of budget cuts, it's bound to happen. We should probably also talk about clothing. Spring clothing in Canada is also a myth. We go straight from parkas to shorts. That spring jacket you bought? It'll get exactly 22 minutes of use this year, split across 4 different days. This is why the real Canadian fashionistas wear shorts and winter boots, dress in 12 layers of clothing, and always have a light sweater tied around their waist, which they never actually put on. There's an entire line, did you know this, of light sweater clothing in this country designed to look good around your waist. Now the truth is that Canadian spring doesn't exist. It is a marketing ploy, a fantasy, an imaginary season designed to sell wildflower seeds and false hope. So let's stop lying to ourselves and our American visitors. They're very nice people. We have two seasons. Winter. And then the season where winter pretends it left but turns up and sleeps on the couch. But no matter, you're all still welcome. Just pack your flip-flops and your snow tires. You won't know which one you'll need first, but rest assured, it'll be both. Probably the same afternoon.