A comedian pitches an absurd International Peace League where countries earn points for ceasefires and prisoner exchanges, compete for a massive gold Carnegie Cup, and get penalized for mentioning Soros or Antifa. The inaugural championship game happens in Winnipeg in February, with Trump offered an expansion franchise or the Epstein files.
Chapters
So I just found out that Donald Trump has cancelled Canada's invitation to the Board of Peace tonight because something something. I don't like it when people who are smarter than me say smarter than me things. Which is fine because you know what we need to do? Canada's move is next. Fuck the Board of Peace. We start the International Peace League. Boards are for people who want to sit around and feel important. Leagues are for players. People who want to win. Here's how it works, okay? Peace gets a season. A literal season. With standings. Every country gets points. But only for verifiable results. Ceasefires it holds, prisoners exchanged. No points for speeches, no points for historic conversations. Negative points if you mention Antifa or Soros or the word globalist or you pointed a map upside down. And yeah, there's a trophy. There's a big trophy, a big fucking gold trophy called the Carnegie Cup for Peace. It's 12 meters tall. It arrives with its own security detail. Oh, and a licensing deal for broadcast rights, a highlight show with announcers saying things like, "Well, Jim, they really needed that humanitarian corridor opening in the second half." There's a Peace Championship game full of all the greatest chirps hosted every year, and because we started it, we choose the location. The inaugural summit is in Winnipeg in February, bitches, because nothing focuses the mind like negotiating a ceasefire when your face is being sandblasted by the prairies. By day 2, we will have leaders agreeing to demilitarize zones, just to get back inside. Hi, don't butt. Then after on-again off-again invitations just to mess with him, we give Trump an expansion fran— no, we sell him an expansion franchise. A billion dollars. Or the release of the Epstein files. His choice. Oh, and in addition to the trophy, the peace yacht. It's a helicopter pad and a meditation room and one working Wi-Fi password which Canada changes weekly. There's a big awards gala. We hand out rings. Peace rings. Big peace rings big enough to see from space. Big gaudy gold peace rings that only a fascist dictator could love. We win either way. So yeah, Supreme and Glorious Leader Chairman Trump, you can keep your Timu United Nations. We're starting a league. We got a lot of applications to process, so sit the fuck down.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
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And we can do other things. We can do numerous other things. Once this board is completely formed, we can do pretty much whatever we want to do.
