In a tongue‑in‑cheek monologue, Tod Maffin shares a notebook of outlandish video concepts that he likely will never produce. He riffs on a series of absurd ideas: an OnlyFans channel that reads the Canada Health Act verbatim as a seductive, charitable subscription; a meditation app that plays only BC Ferries cancellation announcements over rain sounds; a prank series where he asks American pharmacy staff for a "free‑healthcare aisle" and a refillable insulin station; a Kraft Dinner mukbang narrated like Statistics Canada reports; a mock true‑crime investigation into the mystery of ketchup on Kraft Dinner; and a multi‑part saga titled "Tod Applies to be Canada’s Ambassador to Mexico," in which he gradually adopts Mexican symbols while pretending critics are delusional. The piece satirizes wellness apps, health‑care policy, food‑vlog culture, true‑crime tropes, and diplomatic ambition, using a playful, irreverent tone throughout.
Chapters
So I have a note on my phone where I write down all the dumb ideas that I have for videos, and I thought I would share a few with you since I probably won't ever do them. First of all, an OnlyFans account where I would just do verbatim readings of the Canada Health Act. The whole thing, line by line, like lounging by a fire, by a pool, or in that sex room at the Hotel Z. It would be like 10 videos or something. No nudity or anything, you know. I'll let the legislation seduce you instead. And then the subscription money could go to a charity of some kind. Then I was actually going to hire a developer to build a meditation app where the only sound is BC Ferries announcements played over soft rain. You would breathe in and they would cancel the sailing.
"The sailing to Duke Point has been cancelled. The next sailing is in 7 days." And there'd be no guided meditations.
There'd just be like a video loop of me near my seat trying to find an outlet while a toddler kicks my chair. "No! How am I done?" "Okay, that's enough kicking, bud." Now this one wouldn't work because I would have to go to the US to do it, but I thought like a prank series of of some kind where I would go to American pharmacies and ask the staff where they keep the free healthcare aisle, and then when they look confused, I would ask if the refillable insulin station is out of order. Well, it's funny for me. Uh, then a mukbang channel where I would just eat KD like straight out of the pot and narrate Statistics Canada reports like they're bedtime stories.
In 2023, household spending on frozen vegetables rose by 2.3%.
I also thought like a true crime show where the, the, the crime was someone putting ketchup on Kraft Dinner, but then the suspect list would be half country. Then a video series called "Tod Applies to be Canada's Ambassador to Mexico" because, and this is genuinely true, I actually really want to be the ambassador to Mexico. So I thought that I would wear like a Mexican thing, like in the first video, like a flag pin or something, and then something else, and then I'd add something else the next video, and I'd add something else the next video until like 10 videos in I'm in a sombrero, there's a mariachi band behind me, and when people start saying things about it, like in the comments and stuff, I just pretend that they're delusional and nothing has changed. But seriously, I want to be the ambassador to Mexico.
