Tod MaffinCanadian Commentator, From Far and Wide · Emotional Support Canadian

The Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t won a Cup since 1967 — and I’m telling you, it’s not the roster,

20 May 2025 · 2 min

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2:09

In a single‑speaker, humor‑laden monologue, the creator argues that the Toronto Maple Leafs’ inability to win a Stanley Cup since 1967 is not due to roster quality, coaching, or goaltending, but rather a self‑inflicted curse centered on the number 13. The speaker lists a litany of 13‑related coincidences: the franchise’s 13 historic Cups, captain Matt Sundin’s number and 13‑season tenure, the first retired jersey being #13, a linesman named Ken Linesman, Jiri Tlusty’s 13th overall draft position, the 2013 Game 7 loss on May 13, season records of 13 shutouts and 13 game‑winning goals, a 13‑goal margin win in 1972, both Matthews and Nylander’s 13 overtime goals, the 1940 final loss on April 13, the final game in Maple Leaf Gardens on February 13, and the presence of 13 new players this season. The rant dismisses conventional explanations, blaming the calendar and superstition instead, while peppering the narrative with sarcastic asides and hyperbole.

Chapters

Friends, it's time. We have to talk about the Maple Leafs. And there is a reason that the Toronto Maple Leafs have not won a Stanley Cup since Lester B. Pearson was Prime Minister, and it is all about a very superstitious number. There was a time when the Leafs didn't suck. In fact, they won 13 Stanley Cups. Then it all stopped at 13. Hear me out. Matt Sundin, the most beloved Leaf captain of the modern era, wore number 13. How many seasons did he play in Toronto? 13. And when the team finally started retiring numbers like a normal franchise instead of this bizarre honor roll limbo, guess which jersey went up first? That's right, 13. Not convinced? What do the Leafs always fuck up? Being offside. Who calls offsides? Linesmen. The only other player to wear number 13 for that team was Ken Linesman. I know it's pronounced "Linzman," but still. Jiri Tlusty, in his second season, didn't score any goals for 14 games. I know that's 14, smartass. Yeah, well, guess what draft pick he was? 13th overall. Let's look at 2013. Game 7 against the Bruins, a 3-goal lead with under 6 minutes left. The Leafs just had one job: hold on to the puck and don't completely implode. Instead, they folded like a cheap lawn chair in a hurricane. Boston stormed back, tied it, won it in overtime, and Leafs Nation collectively entered therapy. That was in 2013. Still don't believe me? That game happened on May 13th. It's everywhere, bro. The team record for the most shutouts in a single season is 13. Single season record for game-winning goals is 13. The Leafs' most lopsided win was in 1972, a 13-goal margin. Matthews and Nylander have each scored 13 overtime goals in their Leafs career. The Leafs lost the 1940 Stanley Cup Final on April 13th. Their final game in Maple Leafs Garden was February 13th. They lost 6-2. The signs are all there, people. This season, 13 new players. Game 6 versus Boston, they lost 5-4 in overtime. Game 7, 2013. 7 2 0 1 3 13. I don't know how much more I need to spell this out to you. Honestly, at this point, I don't even blame the players. I blame the calendar. I blame Ken's linesman, or linsman, or whatever. He knows what he did. So next time you wonder why we can't have nice things, just remember: it's not the coaching, it's not the goaltender, it's the damn 13. And probably also the coaching.