In this profanity‑laden, satirical monologue, the speaker responds to a letter from a Maine state senator who suggested that Canada should become the 51st state of the United States. The speaker dismantles the senator’s arguments point by point, mocking the notion of lower taxes, claiming the tax difference is negligible, and defending Canada’s universal, tax‑funded healthcare against the U.S. system’s high costs. The speaker attacks the idea that annexation would boost business growth by citing the failures of free‑trade policies that shift jobs to cheaper states and then abroad. Historical counter‑arguments are offered, referencing U.S. invasions and annexations of California and New Mexico, the War of 1812, and the senator’s hometown of Rumford, which itself grew by annexing neighboring land. The speaker also cites a poll indicating 82% of Canadians would rather rejoin the British Empire, and ridicules the notion that the U.S. would “do Canada a favor” by inviting it to join. The monologue concludes with a defiant rejection, celebrating Canadian universal healthcare, the metric system, the $2 coin, and the high cost of Vancouver housing, while using profanity and humor to underscore the cultural and political divide.
Chapters
This fucking goof. Some state senator from Maine, which I gather is like a training senator or something like that. Anyway, he writes out a letter to Canadians spelling out the reasons we should join the US. Yes, because when Canadians think, "What's missing in my life?" we immediately think, "Fewer vowels in our words, more guns in our schools." Now I appreciate the effort. I do. I know it took you time to write that and that involves, you know, words and stuff. I'm not saying Americans are bad at words. You folks have a fine Department of Education. Okay, well anyway, my point is that you're delusional. First, you'd say we'd have lower taxes. That might be true, but the difference is 2%. We'd also have higher hospital bills— actually, I take that back. We'd have hospital bills at all. Your national health plan is called GoFundMe. No thanks. In Canada, we get sick, we get treatment, and we complain about waiting 2 weeks for test results. In the US, you get sick, you get a second mortgage, and you complain about the funeral costs. Second, you'd say we'd get more business growth. Sure, because nothing says thriving American economy like entire towns boarded up because the factory moved to a cheaper state, and then the cheaper state moved to a cheaper country. We've seen this movie before. It's called free trade, and the ending is everybody's job goes to Mexico. The name of the high school you went to is literally called Mexico High School. Third, you assure us that it's up to us, which is adorable because history shows that when America really wants something, up to us tends to be relative. Don't you know your own history? Maybe look up California or New Mexico, both of which U.S. forces invaded, occupied, and then annexed. Besides, we already chose Don't you remember? 1814? The year we burned your White House down? Even my niece knows that and she's 8. I'm 15! Whatever. Hell, one poll found 82% of us would rather rejoin the British Empire than hook up with you guys, and the Brits think poutine comes with ketchup. You claim our governance would be better, which is a little rich coming from a country that had a coup attempt on live TV because someone's Facebook group decided that the voting machines were too woke. The most offensive part is that the whole pitch is written like you're doing us a favor, like Canada's a lonely kid on the playground and America's inviting us to join your dodgeball team. Senator, if I wanted a lecture from a guy whose hometown is named Rumford, I would have asked. Rumford, which by the way started as a plantation and got to be Rumford by annexing land from your neighbors. So if you want to talk about annexation, maybe remember your own hometown literally grew by taking land from other communities. And how did that work out for you? Rumford's biggest claim today is that it was the birthplace of the Secretary of State under Jimmy Carter. Speaking on behalf of all Canadians, here's our answer: Go fuck yourself. We'll keep our universal healthcare, our metric system, our $2 coins, and the ability to go bankrupt the old-fashioned way: by buying a house in Vancouver. Because the day Canada becomes your 51st state is the day we have to start calling the last letter of the alphabet Z. And that, my friends, is how civilizations collapse.
