A Canadian comedian breaks up with the US in a satirical monologue, using NORAD, NAFTA, and Tim Hortons as evidence of a failed relationship. Canada's moving on to universal healthcare, functional infrastructure, and flirting with India and France instead.
Okay, America, we need to talk. I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but someone's got to say it. You have got to stop bothering us. We had something special once, okay? We did. We really did. You remember the good times? NORAD, NAFTA, trips to get cheap gas, that time we burned your White House down— okay, I'm sorry, that was low of me. But look, couples fight all the time. You didn't have to break it off, and now you're just being cringy. Why do you keep putting taxes on your citizens who buy our stuff? It's weird. It's like showing up at Tim Hortons at 2 in the morning holding up a boombox yelling, "You're nothing without me!" Buddy, they close at 10. Nobody's home. The last week or two you've been acting like we never ended. You keep calling, you keep asking if we'll come back to the table, you comment on our friends' posts. It's just awkward. We're just trying to move on. We have hobbies now. Healthcare, libraries, functional infrastructure. We have nurses. Your nurses, actually. We even have a name for them. We call them professionals. Look, even our prime minister's over you. Like, when a reporter asked the last time he spoke to your president— Has Mr. Trump returned your calls? Ah, who cares? Ooh. He would have sighed heavier, but that's considered hostile in our culture. Look, we've moved on. We're seeing other people, and, you know, we're kind of enjoying our slutty period. New trade agreements with other countries every week like we're speed dating with customs forms. India's texting us now. France is sending us flirty messages with baguette emojis that I am pretty sure they mean suggestively. Look, we are even hooking up with Alberta now, okay? And they are into some weird shit. I'll just say there was a lot of oil. Don't kink shame me. We were very fair when you broke up with us. We even set up a joint custody agreement for Ryan Reynolds. But if you can't handle, like, being even a little bit normal, Do you think there's a reason Doug Ford muted you in the group chat? I do. Please. Go work on your stuff, okay?
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
