We’re joining the EU but we’re bringing conditions — and geese.

So Canada's joining Europe, if the President of Finland has his way. He said this week the EU should expand to include more member states, including Canada. And honestly, we already share borders with Denmark and France, so we're in. But we have some conditions. First, we want the same deal Norway has, where we get most of the benefits but retain a deep, almost romantic ambiguity about our commitment level. We've been doing this with the US for 150 years, we're very good at it. Next, Putin gets protected designation of origin status. Like champagne or Roquefort or prosciutto, except greasier and available around the clock. No EU member state gets to call their sad fries and brown gravy poutine. We will have inspectors. Third, the metric system stays, but we reserve the right to randomly switch to Fahrenheit when talking about body temperature and oven settings, and to feet and inches when describing how tall someone is. This is not negotiable. Fourth, our geese. The Canada goose terrorizes our parks, our sense of personal safety. We will not be controlling them. If the EU wants to negotiate goose-free zones at member state borders, that's their business. Sir? Ah! Fifth, we would like a seat at the table that is geographically representative. Canada is the second largest country on— oh look, we are not going to sit next to Luxembourg and pretend that shit's all cool. 6. Hockey. The Stanley Cup playoffs will not be scheduled around Eurovision. We do not care who's performing. 7. We keep the word "toque." France will want to claim it. France does not get to claim it. Next, you take our BFFs too, Australia and New Zealand. We haven't told them this yet, but they're actually backup Canadians in case the apocalypse happens. The Atlantic is already inhospitable with insects the size of cars. It will survive the zombie invasion just fine. 8. The Nanaimo Bar gets its own line in the trade agreement. It is literally perfection. I don't care what the Greeks have. Any attempt to rebrand it as a Canadian slice will be treated as an act of aggression. 9. You will introduce a holiday called Family Day in a random number of member states on different dates for no coordinated reason. We all observe it on different Mondays depending on the province. Some provinces even have different names for it. Some don't observe it at all. No, we do not know why. No, it does not need fixing, and the EU will not attempt to standardize this. But other than that, we'll be ready. Just as soon as we figure out who's gonna tell Quebec.