Lost in the VOID!

As a man, do you ever just find yourself stuck in this void, kind of in this place where you can never be truly honest about exactly where you're at right now? Now, what I mean by this is you can never really talk about your pit, meaning all the problems, the issues, and the struggles that are going on for you. You can never really talk about that because let's face it, if you're a man, you can't be whinging, you can't be whining, You can't be complaining about your problems because ultimately nobody gives a fuck, or at least that's how it can often seem to us. And if you are someone that then does express what's going on for you and expresses how you feel about it, well, now you're just being a bitch, and in reality you just need to man the fuck up. So on one side of the narrative, we've got this, well, don't talk about your pain, your problems, your struggles. Then on the flip side of it, we also don't feel like we can talk about our peak. Meaning all the things that are actually going well for us right now, all the things that are working, that we feel successful in, all of our wins. Because if now you talk about all the good things that are going on and how you don't really seem to have any problems, well, now you're just being arrogant, now you're just being boastful and big-headed, and you're a bit of a fucking show-offy prick. So we get stuck in this void. And the void says, don't tell me your problems, but also don't tell me how awesome things are going for you. Instead, just play as this fucking mediocre, washed-out version of yourself that just plays the game weak. Now, when I say plays the game, I mean life. Like, we end up showing up tolerating a whole bunch of shit that we don't really want to tolerate because we're not willing to be honest about where we're really at. Now, the truth is, if we want to build something new for our future whether that's a new body that's fitter, leaner, stronger, whether we want better relationships with our partner with more connection, deeper intimacy, and better sex, or whether we want more money from our business or our profession. Maybe I need to earn more income so that I can build a better life for me and my family, or maybe I just want to create more impact in the marketplace or in the world in general. But the catch is, if I'm not able to be honest about what's going on for me right now particularly with those who are closest to me, if I don't feel like I can show up and be my honest self, at least with those people, how the fuck can I build anything bigger for me without now also feeling like I have to hide that too and suppress that and push that down and keep it to myself? Essentially not really share any of my problems or struggles, but also not really share my wins, because if I share my wins, well, now that's me just showing off. And putting everybody else down. And if I share my pain and my struggle, well, that's me just whinging, whining, and being a bitch. So as I say, we get stuck in this void, and the void leads to a numb life where we just tolerate shit that we don't want to put up with. We tolerate people that we don't want to be around. We tolerate lack of money and scarcity in our world. And we often end up in this place where we're not able to do all the things that we want. Often from the outside looking in, it looks like life is great, but we're stuck in this place where there are more— there is more of life that we want to experience. But because we won't allow ourselves to even experience all of us, let alone the people around us, well, then we can't experience these— this expanded version of life that we want because we've contracted ourselves. We said, well, I can't really admit to my pains and my problems, even to myself. Because if I can't share them with the world, then they're obviously not worthy of being shared. So I might as well ignore them and push them down and ignore them myself too, which means they never really get addressed, never really get resolved, and therefore remain a problem consistently. Then if I can't talk about when I'm winning, even to myself, I never get to actually express it, experience it, or celebrate it at the level I could or maybe should. So therefore it never really feels like a win. It's something I've got, and there's this part of me that wants to fucking explode with joy and excitement and say, holy shit, I can't believe I've fucking managed to achieve that. But if I do so, well, now I'm being arrogant, now I'm showing off, and so on, and being big-headed. And of course I don't want to be perceived in that way. So in doing so, that limits what we will then go on and create beyond it. We have ideas and we have dreams or fantasies or or even goals, aspirations, dreams, or even some of us, a purpose. It's like, here is the purpose of my life, this is what I feel called to do, but we're unwilling to push through and do it because we know that we're not actually going to enjoy the experience. There'll be a part of us that does, but the rest of us is not going to be able to fully share it with the rest of the world because we're stuck in this place where we feel like we have to hide the truth of ourselves. Now, of course, on the flip, we don't have to hide anything, but we're made to feel as though we should, not only by the world around us but also by ourselves. Because the way the world around us— or sorry, the way we perceive that we are supposed to show up by the world around us— so it's like, oh well, they expect me to be this version of me, so that's how I better show up. But because we begin showing up like that and that becomes the MO, or our modus operandi, Well, now we adopt stories that revolve around those opinions of others, around those beliefs of others, and around our perception of others. And then those stories, they drive us. That's what becomes our normal mode of operation on a daily basis. And we consistently show up in this way that gets some results, but not actually the results that we want. Instead, what it does is it gets us the result that we think we want in the moment based on our reaction or based on the reaction of these other people to us. It's like if I show up as this version, then I won't rub this person the wrong way, or this person will approve of the way I've shown up. So that's what we do, and that gets us that result, but it's not really the result that we want. It's just that we don't want the discomfort of either having to expose our truth to them or have them disapprove of the truth that we're choosing to share. But ultimately, we have to get to a point where we say enough's enough, not only for these others but for ourselves. Because there is no point us living as this limited version of ourselves. Because let's face it, life is supposed to be lived, but we're not really living if we're constantly suppressing ourselves and not showing the true version of us, not being honest about what's going on for us. And don't get me wrong, I struggle with this just as much as anybody else. Less so now, but it's a big thing for me too. It's like, what, you mean people, I should actually tell them my problems? And if someone says, oh, is everything okay? I shouldn't just go, yeah, yeah, I'm good, if I'm not really good. And of course, we have to be relevant in what we share and when we share it. But at the same time, we don't want to just completely lie all the time and ultimately talk down all our problems, sorry, talk up our problems as if, oh, they're not that big a deal. And then of course talk down our wins as if, well, again, they're not that big a deal. Because if they are a big deal to us, we should be allowed to share that. And of course, first we have to get comfortable with sharing it with ourselves. So my invitation to you guys is to first do that, because often if we've been in this place for a long time where we've found it difficult to show up and expose the truth about us, often we now find it a challenge to expose that truth even to ourselves. So that's where we need to begin, because if we can get comfortable exposing our truth to us, well, then it makes it much easier for us to take that next step where we now maybe start exposing our truth to our partner or to our family, our friends and so on, or our colleagues and people beyond that. So the way we want to do it is ideally start learning how to have conversations with self. Now, I recommend that this is done in written form or typed form. You can, of course, do it in your head. But it's much easier to remember your train of thought if you're writing it down. Because of course, if you forget anything that you've said, you can just go back and of course review it. But what we need to do is start getting honest about what's really going on for us, start having these conversations with ourselves so that we can get clear on what's really going on. There's the version that we show up as, there's the part of us that we do expose, but what's beneath that? What are we hiding from within ourselves that is preventing us being able to move forward? What are we hiding not only from ourselves but from the rest of the world that prevents us being able to show up as the best version we could be, even for them? So as I say, we need to start having these conversations with self. Now, if you're a client of mine, we do this in an app. Okay, we've got an app where we can have conversations with self. We actually call it stacking, and within that app, we literally have the frameworks already set up, the conversations are set up. You give it a title and you just go, and you have this conversation with yourself. Which is designed to help you reframe and remodel the stories that you have. So let's say, for example, I have a desire to lose weight. My goal is to lose 30 pounds of body fat, but the story I have in my head says, hmm, if I want to lose weight, I have to give up my social life. Well, that story, of course, isn't going to serve that goal. So this conversation that I would have within the app, this structured conversation, allows me to get clear on why this story exists, how I truly feel about the idea of losing 30 pounds and how this story is limiting me. Then, of course, it gives me the opportunity to expose what I really want, or alongside losing this 30 pounds, what I really want. And then the new story that's going to serve me and help me get to that outcome. Now, this would be the same in relation to what we're talking about here. Okay, well, I'm currently showing up as This version of me, this version keeps lying about what's really going on. Whether we're talking in the pit or up at the peak, he's not willing to yet expose it. So what are the stories that are going on in my mind that make me continually show up as this version of myself? Why will I not be honest to the outside world about what's really going on? So once I can then identify that story, I get the opportunity to now reframe it and create a new story that will help me move forward into a better version of me that can then create a new reality? How can I now show up being honest? But I have to first get clear on what's going on for me. And as I say, I recommend you do this during a conversation with yourself, and I recommend that it's written so that you can actually remember what the hell you've said. And then, of course, at the end of this conversation, we need to extract a lesson. So this particular thing has been going on for me. I've been showing up in this particular way. That hasn't been getting me the outcome I want? But what have I learned about myself and about life as a result of this experience? Then once I'm clear on what I've learned, I can now apply that to myself moving forward so that I can build this better future. But not only that, first I can actually show up as the version of me that is real, raw, and honest, that is truthful about what's going on in a relevant way. Of course, we don't just go around blurting all our bullshit about We actually are able to show up and tell the truth though, first to ourselves, so that we can then be relevant in how we apply it to the rest of our world and those around us. But so that we don't have to suppress who we are and who we've become, what's going on for us in the pit and what's going on for us at the peak. We can be totally honest about and open about and share that without having fear of judgment or care for what other people think or feel about it. Because ultimately, Their judgment is their problem. It has no bearing on us unless we allow it to. Their opinions have no meaning in our world unless we allow them to take meaning and to hold meaning that then influences how we now continue to show up and act. So that's my little video for you guys today. If you have any questions on this, or you'd like a framework, if you'd like me to walk you through the app that I use with my clients that shows you exactly how to do this, I'm more than happy to do so. Drop a comment below or hit me up in the DMs. I will get back to you, we can have a chat, and I can show you exactly how you can get this awesome mindset tool into your world. And if not, I look forward to seeing you guys in my next video. Take it easy, people, and I shall chat to you soon.