ADHD & Relationships | Chris Connelly | ADHD Rise | Summer Christiansen & Val Nichols

Let's do this. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited. Let me get on the right screen here. Hey everybody, good morning, good morning. Oh, I see some beautiful faces in the audience. So incredibly excited. Hello, hello, hello. Hey girl, hey, what's up, Summer?

Hey guys, I was just trying to get the recording. I thought it was in Winning with ADHD, so that's where I was. We—

oh, we did, but then we, um, Damon does not record his rooms usually, so we decided to do it here.

Oh, I got you.

Okay, I just have it set up on a different computer, so I had to make sure I was following that, that club. And so, but now I don't need to, but I have it all ready. So, okay.

All right, well, welcome everybody. This is gonna be a hot topic.

Hot, hot, hot.

So ping all your friends who need to be here so you can have them join in on this wonderful conversation. This is ADHD Rise and we are here with Chris Conley. And I want to let you guys know in on a little secret. This entire event would not even be happening without Chris because Chris is the one who said, oh, Val's doing something. Summer, why don't you reach out to her and see what she's doing? And then from that, we went from a 3-day event to an all-month-long event. So we have Miss Chris to be very much appreciative for.

You're very welcome.

Yeah, Chris, you're amazing.

So see how good she is at relationships? I mean, this relationship is thriving. Nice. So Um, Kris is the matchmaker, right? The ADHD matchmaker, I guess. Are you the lonely—

Yeah, I can do it. No, Distracted Love. Distracted— I know. Yeah, just did a rebrand to Distracted Love. So I help people with ADHD find long-lasting love online. I have created a 5-step program that has been very successful with people of all neurotypes and also all gender identities and all sexual orientations. But as I took that from referral only to be online to the masses, because I want to go from individual coaching to group coaching, I had to find a niche. And I Hated finding a niche. It was my least favorite thing in the world until Damon, who runs Winning with ADHD, said, hey, I have— everyone's always asking about relationships and dating in my rooms, and I'm not really sure. Do you mind running a room for that? And I went in and I said what I thought was some very basic things, and everyone was blown away, and it really felt like I had come home. And in that moment, I decided That, um, this system that I created for myself, really, to be honest, right? And that had been successful with all these people. It had a lot of elements that I didn't realize at the time were because I was ADHD, but like that really take into account overwhelm, take into account that we like novelty, take into account that you need to gamify everything sometimes, right?

Mm-hmm.

So I realized that this is really a community that I really want to serve in this way. And then I have been in an ADHD relationship. I'm married in an ADHD relationship, but also I've been studying sexuality. Oh my goodness. Since I was 15 and I was a peer educator and part, and even though the sex part isn't all of the relationship, it ended up, I ended up doing a lot of relationship studies in there. And I realized I knew more than I thought I knew. So if you are dating, if you are thinking about dating, if you are in a relationship, and Summer, it was so funny, I was helping someone in another room with a dating question, Summer in the back channel goes, oh my God, this totally applies to my marriage, right? So sometimes it's all the same stuff. And we don't even realize that. And if I do not have the answer, I will find you the answer. I will tell you what I know and what I don't know, and I will tell you where my limitations are. But I just found out something the other day that's infuriating, and I'd like to share with you. There are no books about ADHD and relationships— definitely no books about ADHD and dating, but definitely no books about ADHD and relationships— written by people with ADHD. Oh my gosh. For people with ADHD. So I have a new goal in life.

Melissa Orlove, is she not one? She does the marriage books.

Yes, she is the wife of someone with ADHD, and the way that she writes her books are very condescending to people with ADHD, in my opinion. If you want to really trigger your RSD, read her books. I'm doing it right now. It's wicked triggering.

Um, I've never read her books.

It has good information in there, but it's a lot of— she's doing the best she can. And from what I understand, since she accidentally became this like ADHD expert, the way that she talks about people with ADHD has gotten better over the years. But that book, whoo, Nellie, it is condescending in a way that she did not mean to be. It was all well-intentioned. But I was like, oh no, there's one book that has Ned Hallowell as one of the 3 authors. Um, and that book is Married to Distraction. But in the first chapter, he says specifically, this book is not intended for people with ADHD. We are just taking our ADHD knowledge and we are using it for the general public. So that's why I say there are no books written by people with ADHD. For people with ADHD.

I hear a book coming on.

Oh, it absolutely is. 100%. I gotta do it. Like, this is infuriating that I have to do it, but it is what it is, and here's where we are. If you have a question that you do not feel comfortable coming on stage and asking yourself, please feel free to reach out to Val or Summer. Or do you guys have one of you that you want us to reach out to? Sorry, I didn't coordinate this ahead of time.

No, we don't care.

We're one, one for all. With that question so that we can ask it for you. I might, you know, I can't ask clarifying questions, so I'm not sure I'll quite be able to serve you in the same way. But I want to make sure, just because you are not comfortable coming up in a record, especially because this is a recorded room, you know, that I want to give you that option. Also, my DMs are always open. If I don't respond straight away, you probably got caught in my spam. folder. I apologize. I try to go through those once a week. My name is Chris and I am on—

Yes. Oh my goodness, you guys, I'm excited. This is great because I too am discovering that there is, you know, some resources out there for ADHD, but really stuff that's useful for us, right? And that is the huge difference between You know, like from a personal experience, because I do work with so many ADHD entrepreneurs, there is definitely something. I mean, we all know this, right? I'm preaching to the choir. But when you have a coach that understands ADHD like Chris does, you know, I know for me there's a lot of dating things that come up or relationship things, you know, when I was dating or relationship things that come up that are very unique for us. So I think that I can say, I know, I know from personal experience that, you know, having a coach that is, that understands that is so imperative. And you guys, if you do not know Chris yet, get to know Chris because, oh my goodness, you are like one of the most real people, the most amazing people, and down to earth. You know, you don't really, you're not surprised by anything. You are, you know, you've been there, done that. So I know that with your, your Experience, you've done like the BDSM therapy and—

Oh wait, not therapy. I'm not a therapist. I would— I taught in the BDSM community, um, classes for slaves, submissives, and bottoms because when I came in there was nothing for them and they were just treated like props. I have 5 years of experience in Working in sexual assault, um, in a sexual assault clinic. And one of the things that I, um, did through that, which I've used in other spaces as well, is helping people get back into their body in a way that feels safe.

Mm-hmm.

So you like use looking at like a place of your body that you're okay touching, maybe like your hand or your elbow, right? And just going around safe parts of your body that feel safe to you, whatever those parts might be. Might be your nose, and seeing like what feels good and what kind of touch feels good, and getting back in touch with yourself and your sensuality and the way that you feel good within yourself from a place of safety. And then when I started working with the trans community, I took that exact same thing, moved it over. And then when I started working with the, um, the slave submissives and bottoms community, took that exact same skill. Moved it over and did a few more things around how do we know, like, when— like, good pain, bad pain, and that kind of stuff. How do you know when you're safe in a scene? How do you negotiate in a way that feels good to you? Where's your first aid kit? Where's your medical information? Just stuff people don't think about when they just watch Fifty Shades of Grey. So yeah, you can't surprise me. You might give me a question that I don't know the answer to right now. But I have an incredible resource— incredible resources, and I can always find that answer for you. My name is Kris, and I'm on—

I love that, Kris, because I think the reason why that's so important for people to hear is because of the fact that, you know, when you're talking about relationships, a lot of things are going to come up. And, you know, people are into a lot of different things. And there might be shame around that or guilt or a feeling of like, oh man, you know, I really want such and such in my relationship, but I'm afraid to bring that up when I'm talking to a relationship coach. And so I think, you know, people hearing that is very important that you're open, you, you've, you've heard it all, you're not going to be surprised that if someone has like an interesting little kink, or they're looking for something specific, they can come to you and talk to you about that. You know, and I just want to make that, create that a safe space for people because, um, you know, I don't know, people can be questioning that or afraid to ask a specific question. And so—

I want to bring one other thing up too, that I'm also married to a woman and I have dated people of every gender orientation and any kind of, and there is also a higher number than the normal public of neurodivergent people on That are in the LGBTQIA2S+ community than there are in the general public. So if you have any questions around that, I worked at the largest LGBT community center in the Midwest. I've done LGBT sex education for over a decade, and I've been in a ton of queer relationships myself, and I have a lot of queer people in my circle. So. Literally, just want to put that out there too. Like, wherever you're coming from, I got you. I can get you to someone who does.

Oh, I love that. I love that, you know, people can feel safe with you. And that's, again, like, you know, girl, I love you. You know that I love you so much. And you are just like one of the most open, authentic, genuine people. And I'm curious to know, like, what are your tips when you when you're working with an ADHD person who is looking for a relationship, maybe they are, you know, just looking to not necessarily even like dating, but maybe they're looking to bring the passion back in their relationship or, you know, maybe they're looking to start something new, then what is it that is different with ADHD people that you have found is important for us to be aware of when it comes to relationships?

Yeah, that— so I learned something actually very recently that blew my mind but makes a lot of sense. So where most people, um, keep their memory in the part of your brain that has memory, we keep our memory in our emotional part of our brain because we don't really have that short-term memory. And Knowing that we are very reliant on our emotions, right, makes our emotions at any given time facts, you know, and being able to step back from an emotion as— I remember when the first time I was in my 30s, when I had a feeling instead of a feeling having me. And it was beautiful. And it was intense. And it was so freeing. Because when a feeling has you, Which a lot of times when you're dating— I know specifically your question was about dating, but it's all very connected, right? When a feeling has you, you can— you're out of control of the situation, right? So when you're able to come back, and the way that this shows up in dating and in relationships is the Either, oh God, I haven't heard from them in 30 seconds, they hate me, in the dating, or I can't believe they didn't take out the trash, they, they don't even love me anymore, right? If that sounds familiar, you know, there's not enough people on stage right now, but I'm sure that's resonating with a lot of you. Wait, that's a thing?

You get mad at people because they don't take out the trash?

Sarcasm is perfect. So you the the the ability to catch a feeling, which it's like catching fireflies. You're not gonna get it on the first time. Okay, it takes some practice to see yourself revving up, and then there's a bunch of different ways to feel your feelings. I didn't know any of them growing up. I was like, feel your feelings. Feel your I'm like how how I do that? So what I found that works for me, but like, Google is your friend. If this doesn't work for you, talk to me. I'll give you some other resources as well. Like I said, my DMs are always open. Like, I prefer Instagram so I can do the actual chatting you back feature instead of typing it all out. I can just record an audio message to you, but It is so important to be able to first— so we don't necessarily know what our feelings are all the time, which also I didn't know until recently. But to find— if you can't figure out what the feeling is, see if you can slow down enough to like get a thought, right? Even if the thought is like, I can't believe they just did that. Fine, that's a perfect thought. Now, Find that thought, that feeling in your body, like where is it in your body? Then what color is it? What does it look like? You know, when I feel overwhelmed, sometimes it's a purple tornado, you know, whatever it is, right? And then just setting my timer for 2 minutes, which feels like a decade, but I swear it only is 2 minutes, and breathing. And letting that feeling Go through you, like giving it a moment of space. And the nice thing about 2 minutes is you can go to the bathroom for 2 minutes and no one really thinks anything of it, right? You can step out of the office for 2 minutes. You say, oh, I just forgot something, and take 2 minutes to lock yourself in a closet or whatever and just feel your feelings for 2 minutes so you can come back to a more regulated space before We impulsively act. Like I said, it doesn't work all overnight, but it is very useful in, um, in getting us there. And that, that goes across relationships and across dating. But that's a big thing, especially for us. And the rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which— it's so funny how we are the first people to be like, I can't believe they didn't respond to us. But we're also the first people to forget to respond. Right. So, um, really, like, it's usually not about you. And even if it's about you, it's still about them. But like, really understanding that, especially as people that feel so much and people that have a lot of rejection stuff from years of being told that we're not right, it's hard. But, um, I do have a hard stop at 12 because I'm on my lunch break for this, but I wanted to get to people if that's okay with you guys.

Yeah, that's totally fine.

Absolutely. Can I ask—

go ahead. I was gonna say, raise your hand, everybody. We will pull you up, or you can also message any one of us with a question if you'd rather keep it in private.

Don't message me, message them, because I gotta focus on them.

Oh, can you mute us real quick, Chris?

Yeah, I was gonna say, Chris, will you mute us?

Yeah.

Okay, right, so I have a question. So, um, I have been married for 21 years and we're actually really open. We talk about things, so this isn't like specifically— well, maybe it is anyways. So, but I'm curious if you, um, If you do want to do something that's different or maybe like a little more risky, like the BDSM, and how do you approach that conversation? Like me personally, I know how I would approach it with him just because we are very open and we do other things. So, but I think in general, like if you are in a long-term relationship, things like that, you know, for a lot of people can be, you know, a little scary, more taboo, especially if you've been married and you're not like dating all over, and maybe that is more of a norm. I don't know. So yeah, so I guess my question specifically is, how do you start that conversation if, like, sexually you want to do something that is different and maybe a little more, um, yeah, taboo?

I don't know what to call it.

I'm married, so—

Yeah, no, I got you. You're doing great. Um, that's a perfect question. So what I would do is there are lists on the internet with— I don't have any of them linked right now. But if any of you DM me, I'm happy to grab you one with like 100 kinks from like blindfolds to like putting hooks into your back and hanging you from the ceiling, right? Like everything is on this list, right? You have a list and your partner has a list. And You can then check off anything on that list that remotely interests you, and then find out if you want to show these lists to each other, you can. There are apps online where— I don't know which one off the top of my head, but there are apps online that you put in your kinks, they put in their kinks, and then it'll match, just tell each other which ones are the same. I do like the one where you actually check off all of them and then see where you match, because it allows a conversation to take place.

So they match—

In a way that is less—

They match like the action. So like I put something in and, and, um, he puts something in, and then there's like a, some type of a a match that would, you know, is that what you're saying? Right.

So in the app, what happens is you click on whichever kinks you're into, they click on whichever kinks they're into. And then when you have matching kinks, you get an email saying these are the things that you're both into, right? So you know that both people are into it. So that is a way to do it that is less less vulnerable. I do prefer to actually sit down with your lists and have a conversation with especially someone that you're like married to or been with for a long time so that you can actually have, um, conversations about like what is it that's interesting to you about this, right? Like, what are— so you can see, like, yes, where you match, and great, those are great. But then the things where you don't match, like, maybe this isn't something that we can do, but maybe there's something similar that we can do, right? Maybe, or maybe I just don't understand what this means because I have these assumptions based on horror movies, right? Like, or maybe I have trauma around Yeah. Maybe like, what is your base need underneath that? And these apps lack nuance. And really also going to and figuring out within yourself, what is the base need that you're looking for? Right? As someone with ADHD, before I was on meds, I would get tied up so that my brain would stop yelling at me to do stuff. It was the one time, and people would be like, okay, yeah, now we have— no, we don't. It's nothing sexual. This is my meditation time. Go away. Thanks for tying me up. Come back in 15 minutes. Make sure I don't hurt myself in those 15 minutes and keep an eye on me. But like, nothing else is happening. I'm just chilling and I'm happy that my brain has finally calmed down. Right? So like, what is your motivation about it? And getting clear also with each other as to like, because people will a lot of times come to each other with solutions. I did this with my wife when we first got together. It drove her crazy. She's like, no, we have to come to the solution together. You have to come to me with the problem. I'm like, one, that sounds really vulnerable. I don't want to do it. Two, but I already have the solution. I've saved us time. But saving us time does not lead to connection, it turns out. So when you're able to come to each other with— but I wouldn't come with a singular thing. I would come with a full list and have them have a full list. So you're not coming to them with something, but you have a bigger conversation and something you are including them in and they are actively participating in. My name is Chris and I'm on—

That's awesome. That's really good. I feel like it is a— okay, Bianca, can you mute yourself or I can mute you? Okay. So I think that that's a A good answer because I think we forget that step. Like, my husband and I, I keep forgetting this is recorded and he's a very private person. So anyways, so we're, we're very open and we can talk about it, but I guess, you know, it's even, it's even awkward even with somebody like that you care about and you have. You know, they know you inside and out. So yeah, that was just something I was curious about, like starting the conversation, you know, with me, he'd be like, hell yeah, let's do this, you know, whatever step I wanted to take anyways. So yeah, I think that's awesome. Thanks for, thanks for that. So do we want to move on?

Can I actually answer that question as well?

Um, yeah, you can go ahead.

People who are maybe totally vanilla and have had absolutely zero experience, but maybe a little bit of curiosity from one partner or another, I would actually recommend not starting with separate lists or starting with a list at all because it can be wildly overwhelming, these things that are on the list. Now, I'm a very kinky person. I've been in the lifestyle for many years, but I also know that there are people who even the thought of blindfolds or the thought of ropes or the thought of you know even light flogging or spanking would be absolutely extreme. And so, kind of sitting down together and building a building a foundation of trust in your communication where you can be completely present and develop a really compassionate, non-judgmental, non-violent way of communication where there's really absolutely no shame in speaking, you know, hey, I saw this thing and, and it was maybe kind of interesting. How does that, you know, what does that feel like in your body? You know, does this, does this turn you on at all? What kind of sensations do You know, or, you know, maybe like, oh, I think about maybe wanting to just be on my knees in a subservient position. It doesn't even have to be all that kinky. But if you start with throwing a little bit of, a little bit of power dynamics, then from there, that is kind of, it's kind of like meditation. When you start doing it and you see the benefit, it becomes self-motivating. So if you take it way, way, way, way, way, way, way back and you start from this sort of a place, it can become self-motivating where even a person who thought they were really vanilla might be like, oh, I didn't really know I felt that way about this. This is fun to do with you. What else can we explore together? Um, so my name is Bianca and I'm done speaking.

That's, that's really good, Bianca, 'cause that, like, I don't even, because I've been married for so long, like the things that we do, like we do all that. So I guess, I guess that's so interesting because I don't think I even recognized that, like, like we were doing that and we were taking like steps, but we were doing it together.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and that it was safe and we've been together for so long that like, That conversation, it wasn't even really a conversation. It was like an evolution for us. And maybe that's, you know, obviously different for people in like a different level of relationship. So that's super, super interesting. Thanks for contributing. I appreciate that. Val, did you have any thoughts?

Yeah.

None you wanna share that are being recorded? Oh my gosh. Well, I made an idiot.

I made an idiot of myself during the Sex with ADHD.

No, you're fine.

Yeah, I'm—

I don't know.

I guess like my question is, is it normal for people with ADHD to be like hypersexual and like be drawn toward that like creativity? Because again, my husband's very private and he gets, you know, he doesn't even, he doesn't even like to be on my Facebook page. But Yeah, like, you know, like, I feel like a lot of the things— and again, maybe this is just my RSD, but like, when I try to be creative, or, you know, he shows up and I'm like, oh, look, I have this really cute outfit and sexy shoes, and we're gonna go play. And it's like, not even received at all. I just kind of like gave up trying, you know, because I did, I, I felt like it was just so well, like, oddly received. And it wasn't really Reciprocated.

Yeah, and Bianca, 100%, I agree with everything you said. The reason that I went to, um, the list in this specific, um, situation— I can understand how absolutely that can be overwhelming as well. And also to the apps where they have, um, what you have in common is Um, because within the ADHD community, the RSD and the, um, and how even if things are just a little bit, like, even if they don't even think that they're responding poorly, we can take it that they're responding poorly and how, um, there is specifically within the ADHD community. So. Um, creating a li— having the space, also not always having the ability to make linear thoughts in the moment, right? So, and also getting hyper-focused on a singular thing, right? So that's the other thing about the list and the reason for the recommendation for the list is that, um, we'll get hyper-focused on, oh, I really want to be into rope and I want you to be into rope and are you going to be into rope? And then they're like, whoa, what? Right? So like also remembering to bring your partner into the conversation in a way that is collaborative is another thing sometimes for us that is not always the easiest. So yes, everything that Bianca said, 100%. But the reason I just wanted to explain the reason that I made the recommendation that I was is kind 'Cause I'm specifically in an ADHD room speaking specifically to people with ADHD. My name is Chris and I am complete.

Does anyone have an answer for Val? What, like what she's asking?

So yeah, sorry, I, I did that thing where I went a little bit sideways.

You're fine.

Um, in my answer to that of like trying, like I thought what you said, Val, was a perfect example of why I said we have, uh, you have 2 lists and you bring them together. Val, for you specifically, probably I would recommend, um, look, yes. First of all, hypersexuality and ADHD, 100%, you are not alone. You are totally normal. First off, you are great.

Thank you.

Second off, I might recommend, though, to read John Gottman's 8 Dates with your partner and just go through the 8 weeks of dates. What it does is it goes through basically the 8 foundations of a relationship. One of those chapters is sexuality, and it has questions about What you want in bed and what your sex— what you want your sexuality to be. It puts it in a very— in a container, and the questions are very specific and like are, are intended to allow a safe space for conversation. But it's— don't skip to— a lot of people will skip to that chapter. I would go in the order that John Gottman puts them in so you can get practice, especially before that date. Um, Because I think it's possible. We just don't know right where the other person's head is at. And realignment. And for everyone, if you're in a relationship, John Gottman is awesome. 8 Dates is a great— it's really teeny. Even there's like a too long, didn't read section you can just read right before your date with your partner. And then just spending 8 weeks getting aligned on your values and goals and what you're really looking for. And the questions that you ask on those dates are really powerful. So for Val specifically, I know it's not, you know, a magic pill, which I wish I had for everyone all the time, right? But, um, I think that's probably a good place to start and build. My name is Chris and I'm on—

Also, I have a thought and this comes up a lot. Um, like some of you were in this room when my mom, who's, um, uh, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker, and she's worked with couples and, um, yeah, so something that always comes up and that is at the base of everything Within a marriage is communication, and I would say that like your sexuality as well. And you know, whatever it is you want to do and how you want to do it and how you want to feel, like it's about connection and you know making that that connection or the option to connect safe. So one thing that it was really hard for me because of my childhood, because of my experiences. Is feeling safe, you know? And so I think in any relationship, if you don't feel, um, that it is even an option to open up, like if you're scared or not even scared, but like the rejection sensitivity, you know, um, maybe, maybe your partner has that, you know, um, maybe there's something else going on. And, you know, sometimes I will recommend like if, you know, my, my clients or my friends or whatever, like, Starting from the base and building up, because I think sometimes we skip some steps in between and we forget that, like, you know, somebody needs to feel safe. There's a book called Crucial Conversations, and it is life-changing. I taught a seminar with my mom to, like, all her employees about that specific book, and it was kind of like a training. And I'm not certified to You know, to actually train, but Crucial Conversations is applicable for all conversations that you can have. You know, some of it is kind of based around the workplace, but just like with all relationships and ADHD and every— everything, like, it's so applicable, you know. So knowing, um, and building that trust from like the bottom up, you know, and then, you know, because sometimes, you know, people are, you know, our partners might not feel that safety. And so even if we are being vulnerable ourselves, they may not receive it because they don't feel safe for whatever reason. And like Chris said previously, it's rarely about you. Like, I tell this to my kids, my teenage kids, all the time when they have like friendship issues or relationship problems. I'm like, look, it's rarely about you. the problem that they're doing, like they're projecting, you know, they feel a certain way and it's not because of you. It's because of something that, you know, they've experienced that has shaped their action or their response. So yeah, that, that's just like some of the thoughts that, that I had. I'm Summer and I'm complete.

Exactly, Summer. That's why I recommend 8 Dates like all the time. You'd think that I'd have Some kind of stock in this book, right?

He's like ancient. He's ancient. I'm like, I looked at it, I'm like, oh yeah, I remember that book. I'm like, he's so old, but obviously he's still writing books and he knows what he's talking about.

Yep, yep. He's been around for a long time. He's been doing this work for a very long time, and he's very good at what he does. And what I like about 8 Dates as opposed to like Crucial Conversations is— and Crucial Conversations, I'm not hating on it, it's great— but 8 Dates, you are in it together. You are doing it together. You are being asked questions together. You are figuring out where you're going on dates based on the prompts together. You are in it. It makes you have to be a unit, um, in a way that I haven't And, and do it in an actionable, like, with your whole body kind of way, um, which I have— I haven't seen before, but I'm open to it being in other places. I hope it is. But that's why I am always, um, evangelizing for that book. And with that, I know I, um, I gotta— I have a hard stop at 12. So if anyone else wants to come up or ask any questions in the back channel, Now would be the time. We're about to move over to Jimmy. Um, so Jimmy, what you got today? What's your question?

Yes. Hello, Chris, Val, and everybody else in the room. Um, this is an interesting topic. I'm hoping that maybe further on it will be discussed, um, in regards to the relationship. I mean, there might be an expectation that individuals who have ADHD would want um, somebody to really understand their, you know, ADHD and different traits and different intensities. And, and on top of that, you know, some individuals have, you know, autism, mental health, and all sorts of comorbidities which can make things, you know, quite difficult. Uh, and I guess as well, and I'm only basing it, I'm only basing this on a scenario where, I'm sorry to put labels, so please correct me if I'm wrong, The neurotypical or the individual, individuals who do not have ADHD or any form of, of any problems at all as such, that they were to have a relationship with individuals with ADHD. And, but they're also, you know, on the other side of the coin, they, they also got feelings too. And I'm not talking about the individuals with ADHD, I'm just talking about the, the other person. And it's like they may want to feel loved, they, They may, you know, there's only so much that individual can be understanding and, and work on their, work on their, their personal character, you know, and, and really understand. But then it's like, is it fair on one, the individual who hasn't got ADHD, but also the individual with the ADHD that the fact that they're seeing that their conditions, which is not their fault, is causing a strain on, on them and their relationships. Um, I'm only talking about sort of boyfriend and girlfriend or wife and husband, that, that sort of relationship, not necessarily family or friends. Um, because at the end of the day, everybody's human and everybody's entitled to, to, to experience and feel love. And I don't know whether, um, ADHD and ADHD would be compatible. You know, I've, I've played— there's plenty of times when I worked in a school, um, both parents are autistic, and I say, wow, it's amazing. It's interesting how each of their triggers may or may not work, or, you know, but yeah, that's just more thought-provoking rather than a question. And we'd like to know your thoughts on that. If not, it's not a problem. We can always move on. And, um, I love it.

Yeah, I really love this question. I actually, in Jeremy's room yesterday, went on quite a soapbox, um, about it. And I think, and I even like have a reel about dating people with ADHD or not ADHD and which one's better. And what about, The other person. And, um, the thing is, we live— so, um, and when I say we, I mean people with ADHD, just to, to give some context. So people with ADHD live in a world currently which is not made for us. Right. So it doesn't— and the way that we might live in a way that would work for us is not valued until it is, right? Like, we are entrepreneurs, we're CEOs, right? And in that way, our ideas and the way their brain thinks is valued. But in the day-to-day, especially in the domestic of like this morning when I half unloaded the dishwasher, right? It's not, um, And then I got distracted. It's not valued, um, in the way that, the way that we work does not have the same value in our society. Right. But people are quick to pick a singular thing as the reason that relationships do not work. Before I worked specifically in the ADHD community for 8 years, I worked in the general population. Right. And people would always tell me, I just need the opposite of my ex because that relationship didn't work because of this one thing. And if we just— if I could just find someone that, just for example, unloaded the dishwasher, right, that everything would be fine. Right. And the thing is, is first of all, our brains are just trying to protect us from woolly mammoths. And that's great. But There's not woolly mammoths anymore. So what it's doing is it's hyper-focusing on the thing that it thinks is the thing that is trying to kill us, which in this case is the fact that someone didn't unload the dishwasher or whatever it happens to be, right? And these things can pile up in a different way when you have— when one person has ADHD and does not have the skills because we don't live in a society that helps us until really recently and even acknowledges we exist until really recently, right? So it's— you can— there's always going to be quote-unquote problems in any relationship, right? Either you're going to have different values when it comes to religion, different values when it comes to work ethic, different values when it comes to how you spend your money, different values when it comes It comes to how you connect with family, extended family. Does fam— does your extended family live with you? Like all these things, right? But our brains will be like, nope, I've picked this ADHD, just as an example, as the problem for everything. And to be fair, if someone does not understand what's going on with them, right, and does not understand how to work within their ADHD, It could be the problem for a lot of things. Not saying that it's not, just that there, it is totally possible to have a healthy, happy relationship within ADHD, with being able to know how to work within that construct and be able to work within the way that your brain works and work with your brain instead of against your brain. And then you can go back to being upset about the fact, you know, then you can go back to fighting about the fact that you have differences when it comes to money or whatever the other things are that like every— you're 2 separate people. You're always going to have 2 separate ways of looking at things. And this is just one of those things that makes you 2 separate people. Does— do you have any other follow-up to that, Jimmy?

No, it's just, I mean, it's, um, I guess there's no, it's a, it's a no winning really in any situation. I mean, for example, if an individual with ADHD, um, might have a liking to me, but there may be certain traits, again, it's not their fault. And I would say it's, it's not their fault, but it's just something that I'm unable to handle it because I'm a, I've had too much exposure in my life in regards to that. Then, you know, unfortunately, and I, and I think You've mentioned, I think it was, is it rejection?

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Yeah, yeah.

That's if they have it, or they might have other, um, there might be other emotional or psychological things that haven't been worked on, or whatever it is. And, um, you know, then they, then they, then they could easily say, oh, am I not, am I not sort of, am I rejecting them because of that? And, and it's like, well, then now you've just we're stepping into territory now because it's like, I'm not being prejudiced, but at the same time it's like, well, that's highlight what could be a problem. And it'll be on both issues. It's not as if you're, you know, you're, you're upset that, oh, it's purely because of that. It's because whether I'm able to tolerate that, whether I'm gonna, you know, I might tolerate at home maybe the first 6 months, maybe things stress, get a bit of work and I can't handle it. And first time the person has seen me get a bit angry, not necessarily at them, but just in general because they can't handle it. You know what I mean? So it's just all of those things, and yeah, don't know where deep down whether it's going to have long-term— yeah, so yeah, go ahead.

Right, to, to my point, right? So like, one, you are always allowed to decide what you— you can make your own boundaries, right? You can decide that you don't want to date anyone that you don't want to date. It's your body, your choice. Okay. You don't have to date anyone you don't want to date. That's totally fine. But these sweeping, I know in the past that, like, so ADHD looks very different for different people and, and is where they are in the way that they have done work on their ADHD. So saying like, I once dated someone with ADHD, therefore 6 months from now, this relationship is not going to work out. That's where I would just question. Um, but there is nothing— there's no— if you don't— if you have things that you don't want to do in your personal life, you are allowed to make those boundaries, and that is fine. Um, we do have only 10 minutes left, so I want to make sure we get to Bianca, and I just want to check in with Val and Summer and see if there's any questions In the back channel that we should hit.

I'm not having any coming through right now. I did have one just saying, you know, processing some emotions around this, not necessarily a question, but just a comment about processing emotions around this. And yeah, that's it for now. Do you have anything, Summer?

Uh, not exactly. I mean, I think that— no, no questions. I just think, you know, this conversation is so good because it hasn't been like super specific to like long-term or short-term or whatever. Um, so I like that, you know, just like all of the rooms that we've had so interestingly have, you know, it— so much can be applied, you know, and it's when it comes to relationships. And I really appreciate, Chris, the, you know, information and the knowledge that you've shared with us today. It's been fantastic. But yeah, so Bianca, did you have any questions?

I did not have any questions. I just had a comment about that because since that's the BDSM conversation, because that's exactly That's what you do. Yeah, exactly. Um, but I mean, I have a comment on the last question as well, because I'm a— I'm an ADHD person and my partner is neurotypical, and sometimes things get really challenging, ugly, messy, complicated, chaotic. Um, but at the end of the day, it comes back to a really strong foundation in communication. And knowing if that person is going to be there for you and on your team. And I deal with some of this projection-sensitive dysphoria and this like catastrophizing. And, you know, I've had relationships in the past where, you know, I've, I've been diagnosed bipolar as well, struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, where I feel like there's just one day that's gonna be too much and my partner's not gonna wanna handle it anymore and he's just gonna give up on me and it's gonna be the end of the world. And I'll say this because I had this experience on Saturday where I went into a full-blown meltdown. I also suspect that I was— I'm an undiagnosed Aspie, but it's not confirmed. I've self-identified, but This could be said about whether it's ADHD or it's neurodivergence and it's emotional intensity in the rawest, most overwhelming form when the emotion has you and you lose complete control of your body. And, I had the experience where that happened and I'm screaming for help. Literally, like I need I need compression. I need you to to squeeze me. I need you to hold me. I need you to calm me down because I couldn't do it myself, and I wasn't receiving that. And for me, that was the end of the world. That was the end of the relationship. Like if you can't be here with me in this moment, then you know I deserve something better. And I mean, it was it was the end of the world, and it takes work from both people. Because I understand that my behavior was wildly overwhelming for him and it caused him to go into shutdown. So both people, you know, when you have one who's neurodivergent and one who is neurotypical, need to have a willingness to understand where the other person is coming from and a willingness to have compassion and, you know, just open communication. And so—

Oh.

In a previous relationship, that would have been it. That would have been the absolute end. But having some more emotional maturity and, and compassion that not everybody sees the world like me and other opinions are equally as valid, um, means that people can come together at the end of something and decide. You know, it's not that the story has to make the choice for me, but it's I choose what I want. Do I want to work on this? Do I want to find improvement in this? Or do I want that to be the end? And it's not letting my emotions decide for me. It's coming back to a well-regulated nervous system in a grounded place and then choosing and deciding. Sorry, that was a longer comment than I intended. Um, my name is Bianca. Bianca, and I'm done speaking.

Yeah, Bianca, first of all, I'm really excited to talk you, um, offline. It sounds like we have a lot in common. Um, I did a reel once where, because I had people ask me all the time, should I date people with ADHD or without ADHD, or what do you think is better? And I said, I mean, for me, what I think, my thought is that if what's important is for your values to align. And for you to have good communication. And if your values align and you have good communication, then all the others— there's always going to be stuff, like you said, right? But like, yeah, that is, um, what happened for you where, you know, you needed to be held and you needed compression and you were able to To have the ability to really express that. For other people that are with workaholics and have a spouse but are basically single parents, right? Like, that's, that's not— that's, that's also, that also sucks, right? Like, we do come with our own stuff, but everyone comes with our own stuff. And I just want us to To all understand and to really know that we are full, whole human beings and that there are resources to help us get the kind of ability to communicate the way that Bianca has, to be able to understand our bodies, what we need, to be able to understand where we are, and to be able to come out the other side and, um— Like I've said a few times through this, my DMs are always open. My website is distractedlove.com. Feel free to hit me up. Like I said, if we start here, I might move over to Instagram just so that I can do voice notes, especially if it's more than a couple of words, you know. Um, but I really appreciate the time, and I really appreciate Val and Summer for having me here, and Anything else that you guys would like to say in closing?

Yeah, I was just going to say thank you so much for being here, Kris. You are just a wealth of knowledge and you're so generous to show up and spend your lunch break with us. I'm so grateful for you. And what is— you kind of mentioned the best way to get ahold of you is on Instagram. If someone wants to reach out and get like a consult with you or work with you, how do they do that?

Yeah, you can go to distractedlove.com and there is my calendar in there and you can make an appointment. If you don't see a time that works for you, you can DM me on Instagram and I can see if it will be possible for me to move some things around for you.

You're amazing. Thank you so much, Kris. It has been an honor having you here. Super excited, and for those of you who don't know, this is the ADHD Rise event. This is part of a month-long event for ADHD Awareness Month. We are talking with Chris Conley. She is the Distracted Love ADHD love coach in relationships. So follow her, get to know her, get in her space. She does some amazing reels over on Instagram, so go check that out. And if you would like more information about the ADHD Rise event, you can sign up at. Adhdrise.com. It is me and my girl Summer over here, my beautiful, amazing co-host. We are sponsoring— or we are hosting this event all month long, and we have amazing topics coming up. We still have the rest of this week and next week, and then you'll also get the replays as well. So if you want to sign up, go to adhdrise.com. You'll get access to the Facebook group as well. And, um, is there anything else you want to say?

Summer? Uh, no, I'm just glad that, you know, Chris has been here and it's been a fantastic conversation. And I'm so excited that we were able to have that and kind of, you know, share, share some of the things that are, are difficult in relationships with ADHDers. So I'm super, super happy to have you here, Chris, and thanks.

All right, guys.

Yes, I know you've got to run, Chris. I want to honor your time. So thank you so, so much. And for everyone that came up and shared, for those of you who were messaging, and for everyone that was holding space, we love you. Thank you. And we will be back later this afternoon at 1:30 Pacific time, 2, 3, 4, 4:30 Eastern time with Santina, and she's going to talk about ADHD Coaching, or I'm sorry, career and job help. So she's gonna talk about ADHD career and job supports that you can put into practice. So with that, we will close the room. We love you guys. Remember to breathe in all the positive energy we created here today, the curiosity, the passion that you might have reignited in your own relationship or in ideas. And remember that when I rise, you rise.

We rise together. I love you guys. Love you all. Thanks for being here.

Bye.

Bye.