ADHD Rise | Bringing Moms More Joy | Vandee Flake

people in these rooms sitting next to you in the Clubhouse where you will have that experience, that 4:00 AM friend, right? That could be a coach that you hire, someone you reach out to. It could be each other. Hopefully this will become your 4:00 AM friend place where we get to create that connection. And I'm super excited to be kicking off. We kicked off the event on Friday. We had our first day yesterday. This is day 2, you guys, and it has been Freaking fire! Like it has been amazing to be in this, to create this journey and this movement with you. And you guys, we rocked it out yesterday, even with Instagram down. We still got to. You guys sourced a great, incredible summit for us already, for yourself, for you, for us, for the world. And today we're so excited to have Miss Vandy Flake. And I'm very excited about this topic because I believe that we could all have more joy. And I'm looking at Joy as I say this. We can all have a little more joy in our life. She's amazing. And then there's also the emotion of joy, you know, like, what does that mean for you? What does that mean for us? And if we're honest, at the end of the day, like, I'm not a parent, so it's harder for me to speak to this. However, I do understand that feeling of not taking time for myself to give myself that joy and that love that I'm craving from everyone else. Like, I can pretend I'm looking outside, you know, why does my husband bring me more joy? Why doesn't my job bring me more joy? Why does my business bring me more joy? But really, how do we create that in ourselves? So I'm super pumped to have Vandy talking about this. Summer, do you have anything you'd like to add before we jump in?

No, I'm just super excited to be here and it's hard to find joy. So I am at least in, in the midst of parenting 3 teens. Sometimes even as a parenting coach, I feel a little overwhelmed. So I love, I love to hear different perspectives. You know, sometimes we just need that. So I'm super excited. Thanks.

Absolutely.

So Vandy here is a kindred spirit as well. She's a Jesus lover.

Woo woo!

And she has done a TED Talk, so go check out her profile and get that information. She is the real deal. She's the real raw, and we are so incredibly excited to introduce to you Miss Vandy Flake.

Hello!

Can you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit more about you and what you'll be talking about?

Okay. Well, it's funny. This is a lot of my journey. Okay.

So.

I am a mom of 4 beautiful children. I've been an entrepreneur now full-time for the last 9 years, and I have 2 bestselling author books that I've had come out. And it's funny that, that you say this because I'm literally in the process of launching a podcast and it's called Joyful Flakes, Finding Joy in the Journey. And we're talking about Marriage, parenting, and just finding joy in life. And so that's been kind of my focus with this. But let me tell you guys a little bit about why I'm talking about this and what's going on. When I shifted from my corporate job, you know, to being a full-time entrepreneur, I literally came home and found out the next Monday that I was expecting my third child, which we'd been trying to for months. It'd been a goal. For a number of years because I knew I had to get out of the corporate stressful job. So I would have the time and the lack of— get rid of some of the stress in my life so I could carry the baby because I had already lost a baby. And I had a panic, almost some panic attacks, because suddenly I'd hit the goals I wanted. But I didn't know if it was what I wanted. You know, I didn't know how to organize my day. I had the flexibility, and I've gone through these things up and down. You know, sometimes it's that imposter syndrome that hits. Sometimes it is just a little bit of depression and learning that I needed some time alone. You know, when I was working full-time, I had an hour in the car every day by myself, and I didn't realize how much that alone time gave me that time to recharge before I was with my kids, because suddenly I was With kids all the time. I was pregnant and then had that clingy baby. My husband was there full-time. And so it was— I mean, there's been times, you guys, I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. But last— about a year ago, I started doing a live in a, you know, women's entrepreneur Facebook group. And the reason I started doing it isn't You know, it was more for me to get comfortable in front of the camera, but to focus on— I called it Project Daily Happiness at the time, and that's how it's morphed into the podcast. But finding those little things that we can do every day to get over the apathy and to find joy, because too many of us wait. I'll be happy when I get my business hits X. I'll be happy when I'm done with school. I'll be happy when I get married. I'll be happy when I have a baby. Instead of looking for the joy every single day and looking for those, you know, almost happiness jelly beans, the little tiny things we can do every single day. And I'll talk about what some of those are, but is finding those. And so it's not that I have found joy or happiness every single day. My mom had us A sign on the fridge my whole growing up, and it says, you know, you choose happiness. And we, we always talked about that, that it was a choice. Every day when things were happening, you know, you can look outside and go, oh my gosh, it's raining, I can't believe it's raining, instead of going, I'm so thankful we've got some rain because that's going to help my garden, that's going to help my flowers, you know. What it, what it's going to do. I live in Arizona, so rain's not necessarily a bad thing. We kind of celebrate and enjoy the rain because we get so little of it. But every single day we're going to have things that are going to, to, you know, we have to look at, and we can look at either side, whether it's finding the joy or finding the negative. So I'm going to share with you guys a little bit about some of the things I found. That have helped me, especially as a mom, to find joy in that journey, because sometimes it's overwhelming. And realizing that you're not alone, I think, is one of those, those biggest things. So I've had an immensely full journey. So right now I'm in the middle of kids. We have 2 teenagers, I have 2 little ones, and then also I have a— we have some family crises going on, so I'm doing a lot with 2 little— with toddlers, you know. And so I have this whole range, and sometimes it's so overwhelming, sometimes it's so heavy. But having those 4 AM friends, having that circle— and honestly, you guys, Clubhouse has been amazing for me— is finding those people that you can just relate to, that you can just talk to. Because sometimes I've shared things in Clubhouse that I would never have shared with some of my friends because I could be so honest about the frustrations I was having with family members or whatever, because these were totally strangers. They didn't know my family. And the advice I've gotten back and the feedback of having those connections, you know, and having that community is really, really powerful. So I'm excited to be here and I'm excited to share with you guys some of my You know, journey. And one thing I just want to clarify is I believe mental illness is a real thing. Depression is real, and we need doctors' things. I'm talking a little bit more today about apathy, about just that when we don't care, what can we do to get over that? What can we do to give ourselves the best chance to have a day? And so I just always like to clarify that. When I talk about this, because I don't want anybody to ever think that they— that sometimes we do need help. Sometimes we need professional help, and that's what they're there for. And so I always like to clarify that, because when you need the professional help, that they are there. But there's a lot we can do. So instead of sitting on the couch watching Netflix and complaining about our lives, we can get out and live it every day fully. So those are some of the things I'm going to talk about today. And back to you. Awesome.

Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. I'm already getting messages like, what?

She's awesome.

So yes, I'm super pumped. This topic is so timely and perfect. And I do think that, yeah, that apathy, like just not caring. Oh my gosh. When we're in that space, of apathy where like we just don't care and we're not clear on our vision and we somehow like numb, right? Like we're numbing or we're avoiding what's really going on, that emotion. We are literally blocking joy. We are blocking that joy. So I, yeah, I love this topic and would love for you to just jump in if you're ready. And we will, I see that people are raising their hands. We will start bringing people up for some Q&A in just a moment. So hop right in, Bandy.

All right, so I'm going to talk about 3 things right now, you guys, um, where we can find joy. And it is joy in the mind, body, and heart. And the way this relates to being a parent is, number one, you guys, even though we are a mom, we might be a wife, we might be, you know, we also have to take care of us. And I think we as women, sometimes we're a daughter, we're a sister, we're a mom, we're a wife. We tie so much into our connection to other people that we forget to take care of ourselves. And so as we do this, I want you guys to think about how you can apply this to A, taking care of yourself, and B, pouring into your family, and especially as parents today. Because we have to fill ourselves. And my, you know, we have to fill that cup so that we can give back. And, you know, I think that that's so important. And as our kids see us doing this, they will emulate this kind of thing. So joy in the mind, you guys, starts with being grateful. And I talk about this a lot. In so many aspects, because if we're not grateful, it's one of those single-focus things that can bring us the most happiness. We can't appreciate abundance until we're grateful for what we have. And when you're really, really specific— so many of us write, you know, in November especially, as that's coming up, and Thanksgiving, you know, I'm grateful for my family, I'm grateful for my home, I'm grateful for my job. But when you're really, really specific, you know, I'm grateful for my fuzzy socks because they keep my feet warm. I am grateful for my daughter that just shared what she learned, you know, at church today because it touched my heart that she is learning that and developing her own testimony. I am grateful for, you know, my son That he loves to do art and he's colored, you know, made this picture for me. You know, instead of focusing on, oh my gosh, he spilled his paint water all over the carpet. Now there's a giant stain in the middle of his carpet. And, you know, and then I realized, doesn't matter. It's in his bedroom. The carpet's old. I don't— that doesn't matter. And focusing on where that, you know, the grateful— being very, very specific on your gratitude is one of those things that is so, so, so powerful. And I love that I got— you asked me to do this topic. So I'm actually writing— just finished a magazine article for the magazine Spotlight, and it is on this subject of joy. And so that's where some of my notes are coming from. But the second one is joy in our body. And I say that this starts with movement. And the reason, you know, we need to move— you guys, I am not— I don't love to exercise. I don't run marathons. But one of the things I've learned is our emotions are connected to motion. So dancing, walking, being outside are all huge mood boosters. When I'm going through my apathy, when I get hit with it, because I do, you guys, I, you know, I have cysts, I have, you know, some different things that really knock me down where I don't feel good. And so I have 2 choices when I have that. I can lay in bed and watch Netflix and kind of feel bad, or I can get up, I can get showered, I can get dressed. And And I can go spend some time outside because that is a mood boost. I love to get outside and— and I'll be honest, I don't do this when it's cold very much, but to walk out barefoot onto the grass and just take a moment to ground yourself and to feel that, to try to exercise because we love our bodies and we want our bodies— You know, we can't go get a new one like when we break our phone. We have to take care of it. And so by moving, it really, really helps. The other thing I've noticed is that if this works for a toddler and it works for me, but when I'm tired, hungry, or in pain, I'm unable to focus on anything else. And so when I take care of me, when I go to bed at a good time, when I eat good food, when I make sure I drink enough water, I do all of those things because By taking care of my body, it puts me in the right state to have joy. It puts me in the state where I can give back, where I can, you know, love other people. So by taking, you know, the best care of my body that that I can, and I follow the 80-20 rule, you guys. That is, I do try to do good things 80% of the time, but I don't beat myself up with. I think with ADHD, sometimes we go into the all-or-nothing mentality, and if we can't do it 100%, we don't do it at all. Instead of saying, you know what, I'm going to focus on making sure I drink X amount of water every day. I use a quart jar so I can fill it up and I can see it go down. And knowing I only have to drink 4 of those a day boosts my thing. Then I make it into a game. You know, whether I put lemon or mint in it or my vitamin mix in it, you know, so it's something that I am that's special and I'm taking care of me. But when you focus on little tiny habits of improving, so I don't have to eat a perfect diet, I don't have to run a marathon to have that in my body, but just those incremental little things, you know, every single day. Once I get my water good, then I start and I try to just do one fun meal a day, one, one improvement. And I kind of get a base where I can, you know, it can improve there. I cut up healthy snacks because I know that if I have bell peppers cut up and ready in the fridge or other vegetables, I'm going to grab those instead of a cookie. For me, a lot of times I don't buy Cookies I like because I don't need— want to eat them. So I get things that I will— that I either don't want to eat for the kids, or I get things that are healthy for me so that they're ready and having those ahead. And then the last one, so it's joy in the mind, body, and heart. You know, joy in the mind is gratitude, joy in the body is movement. And joy in the heart, I think, starts with connection because we as human beings are wired to connect with other people. And one of the things I've tried to do is make sure I'm fully present in conversations.

We—

and for me, that means I put my phone down at mealtimes. I put my phone down, you know, and try— sometimes I use a timer. That's another ADHD little tip I found. And sometimes it is. I'll set the timer for 15 minutes and just read with my son before he goes to school. Because so that he's not all, you know, spending too much screen time, that we are connecting on that time or doing something that he wants to do. Because it's easy to suddenly look back and realize that all day I've been with him, but I haven't really been present. In that moment. And for me as a parent, the 3 times I try to really, really connect with my children is right when they wake up, right when they get home from school. So on my calendar, I actually have that school hour blocked off. So I don't set any appointments, I don't do any calls. I have that time when my kids first get home from school that we can do a snack, that we can do stuff. And it's not perfect. Perfect, but I go back to the 80/20 rule and I try to do it most of the time. You know, like this morning I didn't. I I had a call I had to do, and I told my family that I was going to be doing this call, so I wasn't there for breakfast or getting the kids out the door. But my husband stepped in. But in this crazy world we live in, sometimes we we say we. equate our worthiness to how busy we are. You know, we hold up being burned out as a badge of honor. Look how busy I am. Look how much I did. Instead of— and then we'll find ourselves literally broken, you know, where we can't function because if we don't make time for our wellness, then we'll be forced to make time for our illness. And so by taking those little things of taking care of ourselves, but connecting to other people, like, who are those friends that we have? So say time to stop in your schedule and take time to really, really connect. You know, I have a friend and she does no phones on Sundays, no social media, no phones. They just spend the day together as a family. And I think it's so important because we have so— our kids grow up so fast. I mean, I'm blinking and my baby that was so little that I had so much time with is 16, you know, and looking at colleges, and it's just mind-blowing how fast that will really, really go. And so by using some of these steps, we can really, really find joy. And then, you know, as a parent, you know, using those times teaching our kids to have these same skills. Because one of the things I may, you know, one of my biggest weaknesses, you guys, is I'm a yeller. You know, when, when things go wrong or whatever, I blow up. And for me, so that's one of the goals I have a lot is just Stop. And sometimes I've walked away. You know, something gets spilled, something gets mad. I've walked into my room and went to the bathroom, sometimes even taken a shower before I go back and deal with it, or walked around the block to give myself a minute to cool down and to look at what is really going on. And, you know, and to connect with my kids, you know. And sometimes it's taking that time later to point out to my daughter. I know you were just saying what you thought. But using a different tone of voice, answering that question, you know, listening to the answer, looking at what's going on in the family, you know, so we can, we can focus on the real things and looking at those different options. So those are just some of my tips on finding joy every day. And I am— oh wait, one more note. Sorry, I was looking at this. Then we can open it up for questions. But the one other thing as a mom that I have found super, super helpful is to stop comparing. We look at everybody, you know, our Instagram feeds. Even if somebody is super active on social media, we are only seeing 1% of their day. One, a little tiny sliver of their life, and most of us are looking at the highlight reels. You know, when I do go on my pictures, my hair's done, my makeup's done. You know, I move things around so that my videos so you don't see the crap piled up in the background. You know, you don't see my bed unmade or anything like that. But we have to stop comparing ourselves to everybody else's perfect. Perfect life. And remember that everybody has stuff going on. You know, we can look and I— you might have a friend that's fabulous at crafting, another friend that's fabulous at meal planning, another friend that's fabulous at doing activities with their kids, and you're like, well man, I don't do any of those things. I'm failing all the way around. Instead of realizing that my friend that's a fabulous crafter is a terrible cook, you know, and she doesn't cook a lot. Her kids eat whatever. And, you know, my friend that's, that's fabulous at keeping her house clean doesn't always do fun things with the activities with her kids. So remembering not to stop comparing and do what works for your family. One of my favorite advices for a new parent Yes, 5 5 10, but so does 2 8. You don't have to do everything exactly the way somebody else does. Find what works for your family, because at the end of the day, you know, the goal is that your kids are fed, that they have their, you know, the things that they need, and that they know that they're loved. Our kids don't need a perfect mom, but they do need a happy mom. So taking the time to find that joy in your life and that happiness by taking care of our, you know, mind, body, and heart will really, really help us be that happy mom so we can give our kids what they truly need.

Oh my goodness, beautiful.

Wow.

I am just like, It's so affirming. You know, everything you're saying right now is exactly what I needed to hear. And I'm sure there's people in the audience as well who would love to hear it. So go ahead and raise your hands, you guys. We would love to bring you up. And what you're— I actually was writing a quote down that you said that joy in your heart starts with connection. Because that is something that in this season right now, I am being taught in a very painful way. That when I'm craving that connection, whether if that's from my spouse, maybe for people it's from their kids, am I creating that connection in my heart with myself? Or you also talked about, you know, if you don't set time for your wellness, you'll be setting time for your illness. This is the exact conversation I was having with my girlfriend earlier. She got sick in the middle of this like huge launch she was doing. You know, big event in her business, and I was like, you sourced this. You know, with that, you know, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of all the things, fear of being the perfect mom, not having your nanny, you know, fear that you're not going to live up to your husband's expectations, then we create this illness within us. And so what you're talking about is so true and just resonates and serves in such a powerful way. Gosh, I'm just so full of gratitude right now. This is such a beautiful conversation and. Would love to hear from anyone else who would like to speak. I'll have you guys come on up if you would like to.

Yeah. If I can just take a moment to just acknowledge Vandy and her amazing insight. I just, I loved listening to all the things that you had to say. One of the things that I work with people on is really finding joy within themselves as a parent and not focusing on their child, because I believe that parenting is not about your child. Parenting Parenting is about you. Parenting is about where you find yourself because you can't change your child. All you can change is how you look at them and how you connect with them. So I love, Vandy, that you're talking about helping moms find joy, um, that isn't through their kids because a lot of, of parents have such a hard time, especially if we have neurodiverse children. A lot of us have a hard time, um, letting go.

Yeah.

And we put so much effort, so much time, so much energy into helping them with accommodations and helping them with all of the things that they need that we often forget about our own needs. And, you know, it just goes back to ourselves in that even it doesn't— it sounds somewhat selfish, I guess, when sometimes I say it, but it's because of the perspective and kind of the social norms that we subscribe to. But it really isn't. It's about putting yourself in a position that you can stand in solid ground and you can help your child because you can't know what they need if you're not sure what you need because you can perform the best when you are able to fulfill your own needs, right? When you can be clear on who you are and what kind of parent and person you wanna show up to the world as, it makes your life a lot easier because you're not parenting your child the way that you will fulfill you. You're parenting your child for what they need. So I love how you're talking about that because it's such an important topic that we actually put some focus on ourselves because we don't want to show up how our kids make us feel. We want to show up as who we are and how we authentically are. So thank you so much, Vandy. Super appreciate that. Yeah. So Elena, thank you so much for coming up here and being with us.

Sorry, I was getting—

Oh, you're fine. I was like, oh no.

No worries. Oh, you're fine.

Go ahead. Well, good morning, everybody. I'm so excited to be here. And Vandy, Summer, Val, just creating this space. A comment, Vandy, thank you. Just, I love the analogy too of the 5 5 10, and so does 8 2. I love math, and I love math for the That reason that you can get the same answer with completely different problems and solve it differently for each individual. And this week, this has been speaking to me this week. I'm a foster mom on top of an entrepreneur, and I can tell you that I am more effective in my business and I am more effective with my kids when I stop comparing, first of all. And 2, when I create space for myself. We had a couple situations this last week where if I had not had my mind clear, I couldn't have taught my kids some specific life lessons that they had to learn, right? It's, I think, being in that space or getting in that space for me has been extremely helpful. But I love the thought too of finding joy and creating joy. You know, a lot of times— We do block our own joy because we just are having we we just have a hard time seeing the beauty that's around us and really taking some time and reflection for that, which definitely with changes right? And that's one of the things that we know with just with how we interact with individuals when we have joy, it affects other people and helps them to. Find joy and have joy as well. So I love— and honestly, how do we teach our children to have joy if we are struggling and comparing? What was that? Sorry, Summer.

Oh no, I just— I didn't know if it was me or did you short out or was it me?

I think it was just you, Summer, because I heard her.

Okay, okay. I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Go ahead. No, you're fine. You're fine. Clubhouse can be strange sometimes. It's perfectly fine. But I just think it's—

we—

I guess what I'm saying is, is that if we want our children to find joy in life, we need to find joy. We need to teach them what that looks like. And if we are constantly not finding joy and having things that work out, or if we can't have those conversations, then we are teaching them how to not have joy. And I think that's— if you really want to Leave a legacy for your children. That's something that I am trying really hard to do. And again, I chuckled too, Vandy, at the if we don't if we can't do it 150%, we don't do it. Thank you for that because that's completely me. Sometimes I look at it and think, oh yeah, I'm not going to even try because I won't do it 100%. So thank you. Thank you for coming. Thank you for creating this space. I would just ask to. Vandy, what have you seen, or what are some benefits that you've seen for sharing your story, not just on Clubhouse? Because I do think there's some value too of sharing it in our little tribes that we work with. What have you seen, or what have you benefited from sharing outside of Clubhouse within your tribe, so to speak? And how that has helped other people. This is Elena.

Well, Elena, I mean, in my, my business, I focus on helping, you know, tired moms that want more sleep, more energy, somebody that wants, you know, to start. I specialize with a business in a box plan. But one of the things I have found is when I authentically share my story and share the struggles, share that when I was working and And my nine to five job, how I felt like I was a failure as a mom, failure as a wife because I had two small children. I had a miscarriage, guys. I literally had a miscarriage, and then I went to work that morning. I went to the doctor. They checked, said yes, there's nothing there. I went to work because I didn't have the respect and love for myself to say. Stop, take the time off, take the break you need because I felt like I was had to you know be there for everybody else and so and I hadn't shared that story. It was over ten years before I put that in my book last year and started sharing some of those real pains, those real struggles, and. When I have shared that, I found that it resonates with people. When somebody is struggling and they don't know if they can build a business, they don't know if there's a chance of them to get healthy, of them to have more energy, you know, more focus. When they hear other people's stories, and too many of us kind of gloss over the pain because we don't want to be real. And we don't want to be raw with people. But that's what people want to hear. They want to hear that because when they can find something that they can relate to, it gives them the motivation. So there was this mentor of mine. And when she first came on, when I first met her, Honestly, I was kind of turned off with her. She's, you know, this six-foot-tall Barbie doll, you know, beautiful blonde hair, thin, looked like she had it all, like it came easy to her. Her business grew very quickly, you know, and then one day she shared her story of almost dying, realizing that she was—they had to do an emergency hysterectomy. She was never going to have kids in the middle of this. She found out her husband had been cheating on her and filed for divorce as she almost died, like in the hospital, you know, recovering. You know, and how she built this tribe. And she says, I am not an overnight success, you guys. I've been working on this for 15 years. And then I was an overnight success because we didn't see all of the things. And she said, every time you have this opportunity. To either break down or break through. And it's been years since she gave that talk, but it gave me an empathy. It gave me an understanding that then I could go and use her as a mentor. I could use her to follow and follow her steps because, you know, I understood her pain. I understood how she had broke through instead of just seeing, you know, her walk across the stage and receive all these awards and all of this, you know, accolades, realizing that what she had went through was worse than anything that I had went through. And her pain gave me that empathy and that understanding to open the door where I could learn from her. And so by sharing our story authentically and sharing our pain, it allows us to connect with people. When I, you know, when I'm coaching somebody and they want to see me do it, they want to see that I am, you know, doing those steps or I've gone through this. To lead the way. And there's a lot of coaches out there, you know, and some of them I've, you know, been— I get bombarded with coaching, especially in a small town. And it's sometimes it's kind of funny when somebody says, I want to coach you on your business. And I'm like, yes, but I know where you're at. How are you going to teach me to do this? When you're not there. You know, I can see where your family's struggling and stuff. Instead of finding a coach that has been through the struggles and climbed up to that mountain, they've gone down the path, and that's the person I want to follow because they're not telling me in theory. They're saying, this is what I did, A, B, and C, and I got to here. And I can follow. And here's the steps on how you can do that. One of the things I've loved about being an entrepreneur is surrounding myself with mentors who have been through those valleys of pain, who've walked that path and show us the way, because not everybody's like that. And when I've shared that authentically, when I've shared sitting at the, um, table with the CEO of the company where I worked. I mean, blood, sweat, and tears I put into this company. I was climbing the corporate ladder and being told when I was 28 years old that I had hit the top of my pay scale and I would never make— have another pay raise again. It was a slap in the face. And I spent a couple more years at the company. But actually, I guess I was 30 years old because I got entered, um, started my own entrepreneur business right after that. And it was that driving force that I realized that I needed a Plan B. I needed something else because I wasn't happy just because I live in a small town and I made more money than I could find at any other job outside of that company didn't mean that I wanted to settle for that. I wanted more, and being an entrepreneur gave me that chance to write my own check. And then I found my calling in helping other people after I had that breakthrough, you know, to have my own thing. Then it gave me that chance to find that joy in serving others and helping lift up other women and building a tribe of people that, that wanted more. But it was that authentically sharing those hardships and those stories that I didn't do for a long time. You know, I didn't share that there were days that I got up, didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't share that there were times that I felt unworthy, that I felt Like I couldn't do it. But when I started to do that, people started to resonate more with that story. And those connections were made deeper. And whether somebody chose, you know, to lock arms with me and work with me or not, I have found that when I authentically share my story— and Clubhouse has been great for that because I've really had to do that. Is whether or not we've locked arms and done stuff together as a business, or we've just collaborated in different rooms. It's developed those friendships, and and that's where it's important because because you do. You don't know when somebody's going to reach out and say, "Hey, would you share your story?" You know, honestly, when Val reached out to me, I was like, "Wait a minute." What story did I share? How did I connect with you? Because as I've authentically shared my story, you know, and those pain points, it's opened the door to share it with more people. And part of that is I wrote on my vision board is I want to give back. You know, it literally says I want— last year at this time, I went to a little retreat. And that was one of the things I came out of that retreat was I was going to authentically share my story to inspire other people. And I didn't put just in Facebook because that's originally what I'd written. And the coach said, cross that out, shows, because don't limit yourself to one thing. I never even heard of Clubhouse when I wrote that. But yeah, I've shared my story to inspire others because I wrote that a year ago on my vision board. as something I wanted to do. And I'd never even heard of Clubhouse. And now with Clubhouse, I've had the opportunity to share it with thousands of people. So I don't know if that answers your question or not, Elena, but—

Yeah, absolutely. I'm a huge advocate of sharing stories and being vulnerable. And I think sometimes we don't give the credit for that. That's where people definitely connect with us. So thank you for sharing. I think that is always a comfort for me and just reminds me that Just share your story. People need to hear it. Thank you. This is Elena.

Thank you, Vandy, so much. I love, love that. I think that's the best way that we can connect with people is to share our stories. And I've always been a huge component, or it's always been a huge component in my life, sharing my story and helping others. I know Val shared her story about her sobriety the other day, and She had so many people reach out to her because why? We're human beings and we are wired for connection. And I think that that is such a good, good thing to think about as we go through our lives. So Gigi, I'm trying to bring you up, but it won't let me. So I messaged you, but try leaving the room and then coming back and then maybe we can get you up here because I see that your hand is raised and I would love to hear from you. So just leave the room and come back. And then we'll try and bring you back up. So Val, I'll turn it back over to you if you have any comments on what Vandy—

Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say that to Gigi as well. For some reason I keep trying to bring her up and it's not letting me. This happened the other day as well. So I know that Clubhouse has been a little glitchy. We do have our clips feature. I don't know if you guys noticed that. I cannot do it 'cause I have Android, but if you are on an iPhone and you hear something amazing, That you would like to share, you can hit that little scissors button down on the bottom right-hand corner, and you can clip the last thirty seconds. So if you're like, this is amazing, love it, you can go ahead and clip that. I didn't even see that we had it until this morning, or just now a couple minutes ago. But gosh, Vandy, everything you're saying, like you, it's so resonating. And you know that your the share about the coach especially really hit me because I remember. You know, when I started coaching, I felt like such an imposter and I felt like such a fraud because I don't have it all together, right? Like, I don't, I don't have it all together. And, you know, it was in those moments when I started to like drop the waterline, you know, show more about myself, show more of who I am. And of course, that was a process. I was afraid, you know, I did, I battled with some addictions in the past and I had some legal consequences. And I was so afraid that if people found out that they wouldn't want to hire me and all of these things, you know, and even though That's been 10 and a half, 11 years ago. Still, like, it was compelling. It made me hide it. I chose to play small. I chose to not show up in my joy. I chose to not choose that joy from an authentic place. It's almost like that idea of, like, self-beat-up or self-punishment, where when we don't believe we're good enough, we believe that we've got to work and strive and do and get the accolades and get the approval in order to be, quote unquote, worthy of it. Right. And I heard you say that in your share. And it's so true. You know, I think as women, especially moms, right, like we have a tendency to think that if we check all the boxes and we make things look good on the outside, then everything's great. But, you know, some honest feedback I got recently was that somebody said, you know, it seems like you have it all together. And, you know, I realized that that's also— and I'm sharing this because I feel like there's someone here that'll resonate with this. That is a way of me controlling how things are. When I don't allow myself the space to create joy, to create connection, to create authenticity and choose that, then I'm looking at my schedule and I'm like, oh no, no, no, we can't fall apart today because there's no time in the schedule. No, no, no, we can't. Like, nope, I've got it all. It looks good. Everything looks perfect. And then I end up getting sick, right? Like I got sick this last week and it's like, nope, There's no time for that. And that becomes a form of like self-abuse. You were talking about that where I'm like treating myself as if, no, you, you have to show up to work because there's stuff to do. I don't care if you're sick. I don't care if you're falling apart. I don't care if you're ugly crying 5 minutes ago. You need to show up and just do it and do it and do it because you're the strong one and you need to hold everything together.

That's not the case at all.

Right. That is not The case at all. I have more respect for people who are honest about where they're at and honest about where they've been because, you know, as we talk about ADHD Rise, if you want to rise, that means you're starting from somewhere. No matter what that means, if you're rising, that means there's a beginning point. So where are you today? If you're rising, where's your starting point? Where's that catalyst? And know that from here, you get the power to choose the joy. You get the power to sink into the truths that Vandy was talking about: connection, satisfaction, self-love, being present, being connected. And so that is a powerful statement because together we rise and we're not alone.

Yes, yes, yes to that. And I loved it. Val, because when you're, you know, authentic with your struggles, people relate to that. And then people are like, wait, she knows what I'm going through. I can follow her steps because she's been there. She's done that. And it really resonates with people. And I just, I love that concept because it is difficult. It's difficult to be vulnerable. I had a coach last year tell me You need to share your vulnerability. And I'm like, no, I help people with their health. I can't tell somebody I'm struggling. And but we have to remember that nothing's a magic pill that's going to fix everything. It's not perfect. We just incrementally, we do a little bit better every day, that 1% principle. Mallory, did you have a question? Thanks for coming up.

Oh, well, thank you. For letting me in, I feel like this is my tribe for sure. Being a mom is hard, and so your candor and sharing all of that is just really like I very, very, very much appreciate that. I'm like in the middle of a divorce with a narcissist that's never gonna end. And, um, you know, I'm a single mom with a full-time job that I hate, and I'm like speaking softly because I'm currently in the office. Um, but, you know, looking to pivot with all these pratfalls and then the overwhelm and ADHD that mandates to get organized. And all the executive functioning, it's just, it's a lot. So, um, I don't really have anything to offer because I'm like the queen of not having my shit together and showing it. Like, I have no poker face. So, um, yeah, I, I, it's hard to find that online when people are just real. So I just wanted to say thank you. That's it.

I just want to say, you know, thank you for showing up. I mean, my sister divorced a narcissist and it was such a battle and I just ached for her when we didn't know what was going on. I couldn't understand, you know, what was happening, you know, and trying to figure all of this out and And the— but so I ache for you, and I, I give you that. I just want to hold space for you and give— send you love as you're going through that, being a single mom, working a job you hate, you know. But yet you're showing up here. Why? Because you want to get better. You want to help. And I think that's what a lot of these rooms in Clubhouse— There's so many people that are giving back. To help us become better and to help us find that tribe of people that we can relate to. I was in, um, one ADHD room and they were going through— or ADHD room, I'm sorry. And this was several months ago and there was a lot of people were saying, sharing their struggles with their business or life in general. And I felt like it was a mirror.

Mm-hmm.

Back to where I was at. And I just told— and that's what I told them. I said, I appreciate you guys. I feel like I found my tribe. I found people that I can relate to because those tips and tricks— I'm not one that has all my stuff together. I struggle so often. I'm supposed to be leaving on a trip tomorrow. My mother-in-law is coming over. My bedroom is a disaster. My house is a disaster. But when we show up together and when we are authentic, that's how we find our tribe. And, you know, when I started my little entrepreneur business, you know, I went to share this with friends who I thought would support me, and I had people tell me that they would never, you know, They weren't going to support me, or people that thought I was crazy. Or, are you still doing that little thing? You know, why would you quit your job? They asked my husband that. Why would you quit teaching? That's a good career. No, it's not. School teachers don't make any money. School teachers are so, so needed, but it's a very difficult thing because there's not a great job. But by finding that tribe And finding what your purpose is, you know, and your purpose of people and finding people that are going to support you. I have loved social media for that aspect, is just to give back and, and to find people that could relate to what I was going through, or to relate and sometimes offer advice and sometimes just offer space. To say, you know what, I, I don't know what you're going through, but I hear you and I'm holding space for you and offering you love as a stranger from a, you know, across the country, because sometimes that's all we need. And so, Mallory, I just want to say thank you for showing up. Thank you for sharing. And that we will be there to hold space for you whenever you need it.

Thanks, Dani.

Yes. So beautiful, Mallory. Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you. Feel you. I was married to a narcissist when I was young, very young, 18 years old. And gosh, I was left so damaged and believing that I was damaged and that that was just going to be it. Like, I really thought that nobody would ever love me again and that I wasn't worthy. But the crazy part is like those, the words that he told me, the things that he had been telling me for years was that everything I was worried about myself anyway, because I know that this happens for a lot of people who are ADHD. We grow up kind of feeling like there's something wrong with us or we don't quite fit in no matter where we're at. And so that just kind of like affirmed to me, everything he said was exactly what I was thinking. And I just want to leave you or anyone who's listening right now who might be in that type of situation that You know, if someone's speaking those words over you and it hurts, and I know that, but know that there's still strength inside of yourself to pick yourself up and carry on. And I know that you're doing that being a single mom, you know, you're carrying on. But that damage, those words and those lies that have been spoken over you are not true, are not true. And I just encourage you to break those chains, you know, break that That's that bond that has been created over any words that have been spoken over you, because that's not who you are. You are valuable and you are worthy of so much more. And I have a feeling, Mallory, that like you are going to do great things. Like, I'm definitely picking up on this feeling. You're going to do great things and you are going to create impact for a lot of people in the world. And you get to receive that. So I hope that serves you.

I appreciate that so much. Yeah, you know, they do, they know how to— I was only with them for a year and when like safety for my little boy became an issue, that's when I got, you know, had to leave, but like it's been hard, it's been miserable, year and a half. Divorce for a 20-year, you know, marriage. And I'm like totally financially responsible, but I really, really appreciate your kind words. And I'm just trying to reclaim my voice, even jumping in here on the conversation. So I guess like metaphorically and literally, I'm Really, really attempting to reclaim my reality, what I stand for, and who I really authentically am. Because I went in a free spirit and came out like very just tiptoeing, and it's no way to live. So, um, yeah, I love everything everyone said. I It's just a struggle, but thank you so much.

You are so welcome. Hello, my friend Bradley.

What's going on, Val? How are you? How is everyone doing this wonderful morning?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

I was being sarcastic a little bit.

Doing good. If you want me to respond, I have a cold though, and some people came to my house early that was way too early. So that's why I haven't been as involved. And so I was trying to take care of that. But you know what? It's a better day than yesterday. So doing okay.

Each day is better than the next.

Absolutely. That's right.

How are you finding Mom Joy, Bradley?

Mom Joy living vicariously through my wife, and I enjoy Partnering with her. I come from similar world of Val and a lengthy half of a lifetime worth of addictions. And we had kids when we were—we had our oldest when we were twenty. I think we were twenty, and I was still a ding dong. So, for lack of a better way to put it, so my wife knows all about being a single mom for many, many moons. Even though I was in the house, I was. Still being selfish and not helping, and I much rather enjoy the parenting together and trying to burden some load with her so it's not all hers. And it's been pretty fun the last couple years. I feel very blessed and fortunate, and to find this place and to learn and grow because I'm learning my own ADHD, and now I'm also trying to learn an eight-year-old's and. It's— it can be a lot. It's a lot to handle. There's days where you're like, I give up, it's over, I failed miserably, I can't do this. And then come right back and keep plugging away. I think that's all I have. I don't know, I thought I devolved some, some testimony.

I love it. I don't know, I love it.

That's awesome. So one thing that I've been thinking as Vandy was talking is You know, having expectations for other people, it really does destroy my joy. So on my parenting journey, when my kids started to get a little bit older, I noticed that I had so many unrealistic expectations of my children. And, you know, we know what we know. And I grew up in a house where, you know, We were just starting to break the cycle of abuse. My mom was here this weekend and we were talking about it, and there was a lot of physical abuse generations back and back and back. And so we were talking about that. And growing up, I mean, my mom had like this strict way that she told herself she would never spank her kids. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't spank your kids, but I am saying that She took the steps that she needed to break the cycle that happened. And so I grew up in a home where we were trying to do that. And so my parents were grounded in a place of fear when they parented. So they didn't really allow me to explore and do things on my own. And the more that they tried to control me, The worse I got. And it was a definite challenge for them. They just didn't know what to do with me. They didn't know where to put me. And so, in my own parenting journey, it was really important for me to make sure that my kids had that space. Although, as they got older, I recognized that I wasn't doing that. And that it was ruining my joy because as I was saying, I don't know if it was in the room I was in before or this room, but as I was talking or I was talking about how we show up as our kids make us feel, not as who we actually are. And I differentiate that because a lot of times we lose our joy Because we're trying so hard to compensate for being like a quote better parent and doing the things that you know they need. And when actuality to find our own joy, we really need to focus on how we want to show up in the world. Because when we are good with ourselves, when we are doing the things we need to fulfill ourselves, we really are taking a step in the right direction. In helping us as a mom, as a dad, to find joy. Because we know where that joy comes from. We understand ourselves. We understand our values, which is one thing that I talk about a lot is what are your core values? What do you value and how can that serve you? My number one core value is being authentic. And That has served me really well in my life because, well, there's some things as I am authentic and a little bit more outspoken about just about standing up for myself personally. You know, sometimes as I've gotten older, I've definitely dealt with that a lot better and been able to help it serve me. But that has really helped me as a parent because I authentically feel that my children should experience their own experiences. Of course, I keep them accountable and responsible, but in order for me to find joy as a mom, I really have to allow them that space. And there is a time and a place for every kid and every parent to decide what that looks like. But as I have done that, it really has helped me find more joy because I was showing up to my life As this person that I didn't know, I was angry. I couldn't control my temper, and and this was more so when they were younger because I was struggling with anxiety. And as I got to know myself, then I allowed that I really came into my own and made myself a better made myself. I don't want to say a better version. Of me, but I really got to know who I was and how I wanted to interact with the world. And I decided that I wasn't going to allow my kids to control me, that I had a lot more to give and to be than, quote, just a mom. And I know that that helped me find joy because when we can decide And it continues to evolve. But when we, when we have a piece of how we want to show up and we turn to ourselves and not, not to other people for validation and not for, you know, what a good mom we are, or, you know, we're not comparing ourselves to other people, we really are doing ourselves and our family, our children, an extreme, giving them an extreme advantage because they see that they can become their own people. And I always say it is not up to you who your kids become. Your, your job is to lead and guide and direct them. It is their own experience. And of course I keep them accountable. Like I yell at my kids, like I'm not the perfect mom whatsoever, but I do believe that they have their own experience. You know, they are their own people and our job is to lead and guide and not make them or try and force them as my parents did to me, force them to be the people that we think that they should be, but help them develop the skills that they need to become the person that they want to be and that they're meant to be. So I just thought, you know, just the things that Vandy said, I was like, this is how I have found joy in my life by allowing myself to be me and, and deciding how I wanted to show up in the world and what my values were. And I'm Summer, and I'm Summer.

I just love everything you've been saying.

Go ahead, Bradley. Summer, oh my goodness! That was so beautiful, and I don't think you're the type of person that would be weirded out by it, but I freaking love you. You are so awesome.

I love you too, Bradley. You bet.

Summer, I just want to say, oh my gosh, you were dropping so many. Nuggets. And, you know, it's fun with Clubhouse. You kind of get to where you follow certain people around because, you know, if they're in a room, it's going to be interesting. It's going to be something you learn. It's going to be something that's going to make you, you know, that you want to follow around. And I just love that. So, Summer, you said a couple things that I want to kind of pour back into of your parents controlling. So both of my parents grew up in broken abusive homes, you know, lots of alcoholism, lots of, you know, things now that we look back on, you know, that was abuse and I was the oldest child so my parents, you know, were learning on me and as we've gotten back, my mom took like a what you're saying, you know, she wanted to control, she wanted the kids She— her kids were a reflection of who she was, and that's been one of the hardest things to let go. But learning that, that our kids are their own people and that we're here to lead and guide them. And one of the other things I've talked to my mom a lot about is, as you know better, then you can do better, but you can never go back and change something So we need to just keep learning and growing and improving every day, because what I know at 40 was not what I knew at 25 when I was a new mom, you know. But as I've incorporated those things into my life, I have learned, you know, more, and I've done better. And trying to be honest with, you know, my kids too. You know, I'm here to guide you. One of the things I've started to incorporate with my kids is paying them to read certain books, you know, to develop those skills. And, you know, for them, that monetary reward is a driving force. And so, but yeah, as we try to lead and guide our kids into the skills. And one of the other things you said, Summer, is that you found yourself angry and full of resentment. And then you worked on becoming— and you worded it different— but becoming that better version of yourself. And I just wanted to share one of the things that I found is we become the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. And whether those people are angry, whether they are people that are, you know, achieving more, one of the things I found is that we can become the sum of those 5 people is we can hack that by using Clubhouse, by using Audible books, by using podcasts. We can put in mentors into our circle of influence, into our brain that are going to inspire us. And they don't have to be people we know personally. And so that's one of those tips I've used to find joy as a parent is, you know, you learning those and using those things so that we can become That authentic version of ourselves and that we can become that best version of who we are. Because I know when I pour into myself positivity and other people's stories, it helps me as a parent. It helps me find that joy in there. And so this is Vandy, and I thank you so much, Summer, for sharing your stories.

Absolutely. That is Definitely such a big part of my story is just my journey. It's about the journey; it is not about the destination. You know, I think we all are striving for this perfectionism, and honestly, it doesn't exist. Balance does not exist. You know, we we only know what we know, and like that's why I told my mom. I'm like, of course, like I forgive you. You know, we my mom was divorced. She got pregnant in high school for heaven's sakes. And obviously she was divorced in a few years. Not obviously, lots of people it works, but that was definitely a struggle for her. But she grew up in an abusive household, her and all of us. And so she didn't know any better. She didn't even know what abuse was. She said, I remember somebody saying that and And I was like, wait, is that what's happening? Because she grew up with an abusive father. So I think it's so important to remember that we only know what we know. We're only where we are. And it's important to give yourself that grace, give yourself the opportunity to understand that we all are progressing on this We're all deciding where we want to go. We're all, you know, taking all the knowledge that we're learning along the way, and we're becoming, you know, we're becoming the people that we want to be, that the Lord wants us to be. If you believe in God, if you don't, then become who the universe wants you to be. And, you know, I think that that's a part of it. It's totally a part of the journey. And I don't know what parents are in this room. even if you don't have neurodiverse kids, but there's a book that I am loving and it's amazing and it's called What Do You Say? And it's by William Stixrud and he's a PhD and then Ned Johnson. The book is amazing and it's all current science and just like the current research on how to talk to your kids and it's amazing and I love it. And so once again, it's called What Do You Say? And it's by William Stixrud, and he's PhD— he's a PhD— and Ned Johnson. So I just want to put that out there because that book is amazing and you will totally love it. So I'm Summer and I'm complete, although I keep talking.

Summer, that's okay. You were complete with that thought, and then you will add more when you feel the need to, I think, is a great way to do it. I love finding books and I love people sharing resources. That are going to inspire them because, and I loved how you said that. So my mom had a very similar experience. She did not realize that she grew up in an abusive home, honestly, until she was married to my dad one time, and he you know, and something was said, you know. And as she's learned more and realized that what you grew up in because that's normal, that's what all you know. You don't know any different. And stuff, and so by breaking that cycle, and I was going to comment on Mallory. I'll message her. But you know, Mallory is breaking that cycle immediately when you know when she's realized that she was in that problem. We have to take the time to break those cycles, and we can't break those without the knowledge, without the support. And so I think it's so important that we that we have that and that we. We can share that with every with other people. So I am going to look up that book. Hopefully it's on Audible because I've got a long road trip tomorrow.

Oh my goodness! Yes, it totally is.

Go ahead, Val.

I'm just like not gonna put on any makeup today because there's no point. Like oh, you guys are opening up so much for me, and it's so funny because. Even after— and I want people to like really permeate in this— after, even after all the work that, you know, I've done or you've done or we've all done, like collectively, there's still more layers to be unfolded. And oh my goodness, like it's revealing so much. And I love how in this space we get to be a reflection to each other. Like you guys get to be a mirror for me and I get to be a mirror for you. And I don't know how much time you guys have left. We've kind of gone over, but I want to— ask Bradley something since he was bold enough to come up and share and be vulnerable and raw and real. And I want to just also honor his wife, Joy, for being patient and enduring, because I'm sure that was not an easy time. Like, I think about my own addiction and my own time when I was just checked out and when I'm not present with my family or my loved one. And I think about how painful— how that caused them pain, you know. So I'm just wondering, like, Bradley, if there's any parents here in the room that are in that space that, you know, maybe they're thinking like, yeah, I feel alone. I don't know, like, is my husband here for me? And they feel alone in their marriage. Like, what advice would you give them if you can talk? I'm not sure if you're in a space where you can talk.

Yeah, I can come back for a second. Oh, hold on. Give me one.

Yeah, I just wanted to highlight that for a moment because I'm thinking like, man, could you— I mean, I think there's a lot of women and men too that feel that they are a single parent even though they are married or with somebody. You know, sometimes you can feel that space and it's like, how do you bring joy in the waiting? How do you bring joy in the gap of, you know, whether if that's like, you know, praying and believing that, you know, that person's going to come around. Or, you know, how do you create that?

Ooh, Bradley, when you're done, I would love to, to say something about that.

Yeah, of course. So I, we're big Christians and Jesus followers and believers. And I believe that that right there is single-handedly probably what got my wife through all of that was just, and she's mentioned it before. That even though, you know, at however many times she was at that brink of, I'm done, like, I'm going to leave him, like, there's no hope, she always held on to the thought of, I will be damned if someone else is going to get who I know is inside there. Like, if we divorce and all, that's a hard enough rock where it cleans me up, and then someone else gets to experience me and how I'm supposed to be. And parenting by yourself cannot be fun whatsoever. I have not experienced it. I'm very fortunate in that aspect that she's very involved and very loving and caring, and she's a great mom. And I just feel very fortunate that she has— is always there for me and for our kids and our girls. And because I— we grew up in two opposite worlds. She was Christian parents, you know, had a set of rules, pretty rigid but not like overbearing. And she lived a great childhood. I had the complete opposite. When I was 5, my butt spankings turned into closed fists and thrown into walls and doors and downstairs. My parents got divorced when I was 12. I went with my dad for a brief moment but then came back to my mom because that was an epic disaster. And then she was gone. She had 2 kids she had to feed and a house to pay for and everything else. She wasn't there. So I grew up the rest of my childhood free reins, do whatever you want, which is extremely dangerous for a child. So figuring out how I need to parent, which I resonate a lot with— just do you, figure out who you are, figure out what the parent you want to be, and go that route because I struggle all the time with, well, I knew what I had and I want nothing to do with that. So I take it too far the other direction and then I come back and I have to punish one of them. And it's heartbreaking punishing a girl that is very emotional to begin with. So that's hard on everyone. So then I go, I, you know, it's like a roller coaster ride. I'm over here, over there, over here, over there. So now I'm stuck in the mindset of I'm going to be who I'm going to be. And co-parenting and doing it together is fun. It is good. It's learning. We learn every day. We get better every day. And it's a beautiful experience. I think that was all I had on that.

So awesome. Thank you.

Quickly, because we have to close this room soon. In just a few minutes. But yeah, I feel like that during COVID my husband and I really struggled because we had very differing opinions as I was working with all these parents who had kids that were in literal mental health crisis. And that's kind of where I was. I was worried about my own kids. And so I asked, I need this from you. And then I was like, no, I don't. I'm going to show up how I feel like I want to show up. And, you know, if you want to show up how you want to show up, that's okay too, you know. And being able to live in discord, sometimes it's hard, but we can't expect them to be someone that they're not if, you know, if we need that same— we need them to— we can't expect them to be someone that they're not and then expect them to accept us. You know, we have to give that same, that same option to them. So I don't know, that's kind of my thought on it just because of the experiences I have had. Although it is hard to do that together, you still can show up how you, how you are and without judging them for who they are, bar so many things. It sounds easier than it is, but yes, that was kind of my thought on it. Thanks. Ariel, do you have a quick Comment.

I'm kind of coming in a little bit late, so I'm not exactly sure the context. I mean, I have—I'm getting in my car. Apologize for the traffic noise. I you know I have ten kids. I have four daughters with my first wife. I have four stepdaughters. I have two boys with my second wife, and so I have. Every parenting combination there is. And my wife works in an office full-time, and I work as a solopreneur wannabe, um, out of the house. So in a sense, I'm, you know, when anything comes up for any kid, I'm, I'm the, uh, the person who can, you know, work late at night on my projects and not have to miss a 9-to-5 job, um, which can be very frustrating. The, the thing that just from taking— I heard just the, the tale of, of Bradley and, and Summer. The thing is that, you know, it's very hard in blended families when you have, um, different parenting styles and the kids are, um, put together and they're used to different standards and different types of parenting. And there's no— you know, I remember when my first child was born, we had a baby nurse Whose business card said, um, because kids— because children don't come with instructions. Um, there's no book. There's no book that covers everything. And I can tell you for sure with 10 kids that each one has a different personality and different— you have to treat them differently and act differently in different situations. And 5 of them have ADHD diagnosed. 2 of them are undiagnosed ADHD. They're the youngest. And that's where I get in the most friction with my wife parenting the 2 little ones, the 3 and a half year old and a 6 year old. The 6 year old has emotional dysregulation. Absolutely. Like, I could see it like with crystal clear glasses. My wife thinks that he is, you know, she doesn't see it that way at all. Doesn't look at it as an ADHD type thing and thinks that he, you know, is too fixed in his ways or too stubborn or things like that. And it pains me when she comes down on him for that. Because I see, I can see exactly my view of it, which I feel like I'm so sure of. So, you know, the bottom line, again, not hearing the whole context, my view is it's just, it's tough. You got to just work at it every single day. And I have to work on my relationship with every single one of my kids every day. And I do that in a systematic way. I mean, my kids range from 23 to 3 and a half. And so With my older ones, you know, I've set times that we, you know, we have on the schedule since I got divorced that, you know, almost unbreakable times that I meet with them. We study. We do religious study together. My 4 older daughters, no matter where they are, it's sort of like one of these unbreakable things. And I told them, I said, we can study anything you want. Pick a text, pick a subject, pick it. It doesn't matter. Because it's more about just spending the time with them. And, you know, the stepkids, that's a whole other, you know, set of challenges. I just try to be consistent even though I'm not their father, and they remind me of that when they feel like it. But, you know, I am in effect their father in a lot of ways, and, you know, and I take that responsibility. you know, to heart. And with my little boys, they're, they're also— they're, they're just looking for the consistency. And, you know, you try not to fuck it up too much, not to fuck them up too much. Oh, we're recording. I'm sorry. Not to mess it up too much. Um, because I have my own set of baggage that I don't want to, you know, incur on them, on any of them. Um, and, and that's another thing I talk about a lot, is that I feel like there's this inflection point when kids get older where they become more of a support for me than I am for them. And I have to be careful of that because I don't want to burden them with my stuff and I don't want to, you know, infect them with my troubles. But, you know, my 23-year-old is a mature woman. She's a registered nurse, you know, and she and I will have serious conversations about things. And, you know, and I value that. And obviously it'll continue when I'm an old man and she's An old woman, hopefully. So I hope that answered, you know, addressed the subject somewhat. Um, of course I'm biased, I'm not a mom, but, uh, I'm certainly a, uh, a very active dad with 2 car seats sitting in my car right now and, and watching the clock because I'm the one who picks them up at, uh, at daycare time and then goes back to the office afterwards. So with that, I will be complete. Never done speaking, but I'm complete.

Yes. I love that the men jumped up here. That was amazing. So really quickly, I would like to say thank you so much, Vandy. Thank you for everyone who showed up. And Vandy, how can people get a hold of you if they want to know more, if they want to work with you? What's the best way to get a hold of you? And do you have anything that you'd like to share to wrap up?

Let's see. A couple of things. I am on all the social medias like Vandy Flake. So Facebook, Instagram, you know, right here you can backchannel me. My DMs are open. I love to connect with people, whether it's, you know, just a coaching call to see if we fit. If you're looking for something on that kind of help, follow me though. I do have— in a little bit, I have a magazine article coming out, which is going to follow this format, you know, talking about this joy in motherhood in that space. Spotlight magazine, and so yeah, if you follow me, you'll be able to get a hold of hold of that. And I do have some other resources and stuff in my on my website as I'm you know busy updating that. And then my podcast is Joyful Flakes, which is going to be coming out, and that's what we're talking about is all of this. I've got the first five episodes recorded and getting those all loaded. So we can launch, but it's just been a process. One thing about doing it with your spouse is you always have to make sure you are on the same page, because if you're grumpy at them, it's really hard to record something about being, you know, love and marriage. So, but being real and being honest, you know. But yeah, my— and my tip for you guys is just find one thing. Don't worry, you know, with this, sometimes we want it all or nothing.

Uh-huh.

100%. If I can't do it perfect, I'm not doing it at all. But my closing thought today is imperfectly done is better than perfectly never done. So imperfectly done is better. And I have that on my board because, uh, so many times I record videos, I record things, and I take them, don't put them up, and don't share them because I want it to be perfect. And we don't need to be perfect. We just need to get it done and get it out there and get it shared. So whatever your goal is, do one thing. Do one thing today to find a little bit more joy in your life. Set your timer for 15 minutes and cuddle that child. Set your timer for 15 minutes and go rock around the block or do that reel. Start that business. You guys, be messy. Mess it up. This is our chance. We only die once, but we get to live every single day. Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life. Live today to be the best you can and to find joy in that day, because I've never seen anybody on their deathbed that says they wish they would have watched more Netflix. You know, they wish they would have had more time with their families. So make it a priority to find joy and to find happiness. So because you don't want to die a lonely old man or a lonely Bitter old woman, where people are just relieved you're gone. We want people to you know to remember have those memories, and they won't have those good memories if we don't connect with them. And that you know my last reel I did yesterday: Love is spelled T I M E. So do those authentic connections with your children because that's what they need is that time. So thank you guys.

Yes, thank you so much, Vandy. Oh my goodness, so much gratitude and appreciation, you guys. This is the ADHD Rise event. This was helping moms have more joy with Vandy Flake. We are so honored that you were here. Thank you to everyone who popped in, who contributed, everyone who has been a part of this movement. And if you want to join this movement, don't forget to go to Val Nichols And you will sign up for the event. You'll get all the emails. You'll get access to the replays, all of the things. So we would love to have you and we will jump off for now, but we will be back at 1:30 with the emotional— let me see exactly what we are— what the topic was.

I think our voices matter. Voices matter.

Okay, perfect. Yeah, yeah.

And I'll be here at 9:30. And if you haven't signed up already, go to bit.ly/ADHDRISE and sign up so you can get access to the replays and possibly an Amazon gift card for $50. So we're trying to get the word out, so go ahead and do that. We'd love having all of you here. Go sign up. For ADHD Rise, and you can go to Val's website as well. And I do have a list of all the future rooms on my website. It's livelifeclearly.com, and there's a big, there's a big link at the top of the website where you can go and you can see all of the future speakers that are coming. So yeah, so let's, let's do that and get the word out and let's rise with ADHD. ADHD Rise.

Woo! Awesome.

1:30, what time zone?

Oh, Pacific. Yeah, sorry about that. So, um, yeah, 1:30 Pacific time, we will be back and rocking. We're so grateful for Vandy Flake. Go follow her, follow this, this, um, club, because we'll be in this club mostly for the next couple weeks. But, um, definitely check it out, and we love you guys. And remember that when you rise, I rise, and we rise together. This is the ADHD Rise online event. We are going all month for the ADHD Awareness Month. I love you guys. Um, we will be back at 1:30 Pacific time, and we will see you very soon. Bye.