ADHD RISE | PARENTING KIDS WITH ADHD | NICOLE MILES | Hosted By Val Nichols & Summer Christiansen

Psychologist, I should say, who specializes in ADHD, autism, and learning disabilities. So we're pretty much all things ADHD all the time over here.

Well, we're so excited to have you and to kind of get a little bit of feel of how you work with your clients and about your parenting. Um, you can talk about your kids And I know that that's a huge thing with parenting, but I'd also love to hear you talk a little bit about what you do to help your clients. And what clients do you work with? What age group? And do you work specifically with the kids, um, or with the parents themselves?

So I'm going to ask you one question.

I did this yesterday too. I was like on a roll and I asked like 4 questions in a row. So my first question is, as a parent, What is it that you have found to be the most successful in integrating into your daily life?

So for me, I am a huge proponent of good systems. So having good routines and good systems in place is definitely the thing that makes system— gives us the most success. When those systems and routines start to fall apart is when we have massive problems. So having good structures, having good routines and schedules, and then expectations that are very clear and consistent every single day. So, for example, we have in our family, we call it getting on level 2, and that means there's a basic set of expectations that has to be completed before any Extra fun stuff. So no friends, no screens, anything like that until those things are done. And they're very basic. It's like, you know, hygiene, get dressed, brush teeth, comb hair, um, pick up your room. And then homework is done. In the summer, that means, you know, reading for 30 minutes and then some other kind of educational activities that we pick together, some goals that we're working on for over the summer. And then practicing their instrument, and then they each have one other household job that they're responsible for. Generally, that for our boys, that's wiping down a bathroom because boys are disgusting.

Amen, sister. Amen.

So yeah, once they've completed those things, then They have access to, you know, their screens, their other fun stuff, but nothing fun happens until those basic things are done. And they can get that done, all of that done, in a— apart from the homework, it's about 30 minutes, and then whatever, however long their homework takes them. So, it's not a huge demand, and it has been the same for like 5 years. Obviously, it's a little bit less for our youngest. So, our youngest is—

4.

5 right now, so all he has to do is his homework, which is kind of a computer educational game, and then pick up 10 things in his room. So, we start small and we scaffold from there, but those are his 2 things he has to do to get on level 2, and then, um, we go from there. So, once he's gotten some of those good habits in place, then we can kind of add to it as needed, but we try and keep it simple. And scaffold it for them.

So why do you think that routines are especially important for ADHD kids?

Well, they don't have, you know, the executive functioning deficits that come with ADHD make it hard to get started.

They make it hard to plan.

They make it hard to organize.

So if you have a set routine and it's a habit that they're used to, then they— it kind of takes that out of the equation for them. So they already know what they're supposed to do, what it's going to take. They're used to doing it. It's the same every day. It takes away that piece of executive functioning for them. So keeping it regular routine structured just kind of helps aid those skills so they don't have to. figure it all out on their own, because when they do that, they just freeze up and nothing gets done.

And that's what I think has been good with my kids especially, is they don't have to think about it. And we were doing a room the other day and we were talking about like automation and how helpful automation is when you don't have to think about anything. So you already have the routine in place, so you're just constantly going there. Or, you know, waking up and you're like, okay, this is what I do. So you don't have to think about it. So that consistency with ADHD kids is super, super important.

So how do you help?

Like, where would you start with a client that was having difficulty with, let's say, implementing routines? What are some successful strategies that could be helpful for them? for a parent that has a kid that has a hard time with routines? My questions are so long.

I say the same thing twice, so I'm working on that.

Yeah, I do it all the time. It must be an ADHD brain thing. So with the first thing I do when I'm working with a client on setting up some new routines is we figure out what the motivator is going to be. So my kids are highly motivated by screens, so that's what we use.

But for your kids, it might be something else.

So, we figure out what is the motivator.

Sometimes that includes, you know, building in a token economy or, you know, we're earning something that they are really excited about, whether that's time with friends or taking a trip to the gas station to get a treat, right? So, we're figuring out something to click that brain into want to do something that they don't want to do. We have to make the motivator stronger than the boredom. So that's the first step, figuring out what's motivating. And then we want to, you know, figure out what in an ideal world would get done and then scale back and break it into lots and lots of tiny, tiny pieces. So we gotta— we have to make things really explicit and clear. If I just tell my son, go clean your room, he has no idea what that means. He doesn't know what it's supposed to look like at the end. He doesn't know where to start. He just— so he just goes into his room and stands there staring at it because he doesn't know what to do. So we have to break it down really small. So that's why for my 5-year-old, we're, you know, we don't say, go clean your room. We say, pick up 10 things, because he can do that. That's very concrete.

It's explicit.

It—

he's something that he already has the skills for. And then we can build on it from there. So, you gotta break it down really small, and then you've gotta teach the skill so that they can do it independently. And we have to remember that almost everything has to be explicitly taught to these kiddos. So, we've gotta break it down into really small pieces and teach each step. Make sure they can do it independently before they're expected to do it independently. That might mean you are brushing their teeth with them every morning For a while, and then you're having them brush and you check to see if it's done well, and then they can brush their teeth independently. So understanding that the system is always going to be in flux, that there's always going to be things that are added and taken away, we're going to be constantly reevaluating, and that we don't have to do all the things at once.

Oh my goodness.

That is so good.

Sorry, I wanted to make a comment about that, that I'm hearing you talk about this with kids, but I'm like, oh my gosh, this is what I have to do in my own life. And no joke, my husband does not have a diagnosis. However, I am strongly curious, almost convinced that he also has ADHD. And I think it's more of the inattentive type. And we literally just had to incorporate, got to incorporate last night a whiteboard calendar because neither one of us remembers anything that we tell each other. And so these steps you're saying, like, I'm thinking about, oh my gosh, this is great for my life, for anyone's life, and really chunking down and giving yourself permission. I love what you just said. So this is why I wanted to reiterate that, giving yourself permission that it doesn't have to all be done right now. Is like one of the biggest things that I've learned as an entrepreneur when I have my to-do list or I'm trying to teach something or I'm working with someone in partnership, like everything doesn't have to be done right now in this moment. So I love that you said that and I hope that people will take that to heart that it doesn't have to all be done right now.

Well, I mean, you think about like statistics on New Year's resolutions, right? They don't last longer than a couple of weeks. It's because when we are setting goals, we set this huge unattainable goal. We set 6 of them at once, and then as soon as we fail, we give up. And so if we're really wanting to make progress on goals, we have to have goal objectives as part of the goal, right? We're going to break it down into, well, if I want to be able to do a backflip, First, I probably should learn how to do a back somersault, right? We're not going to just go out, stand on the ground, try and do a backflip, fall, and be like, well, not ever going to be able to accomplish that goal. And we have to remember that for our kids, that we as adults have had a lot more time to set goals and figure out how that works for us. And so we have to break it down even smaller. And then when you add on You know, a neurodevelopmental disability, that their brain development is, you know, it's behind. So we can't put, well, most 13-year-olds should be able to do this. So here's the goal. Well, my 13-year-old is not going to be able to accomplish that goal, and I'm setting us both up for failure if I put that expectation on him right now. I have to look at where he is. And where's just the very next step? And that's the goal. And then once we get there, we can add to it. And eventually you'll get to the big thing. But if we try and look at the big picture right from the start and just jump there, all we're doing is making an exercise in frustration for us all.

And I think it's like living one day at a time, like they say that. I think it's like Doing one step at a time. Like when I talk to parents, I'm always I'm always saying, okay, don't be future focused. And that's what we're so used to. We're so used to looking into the future. But if we stand in a place in our parenting where we're scared of what might happen, so we're parenting from this place of fear, it doesn't serve us because we can't be in the present moment. So I think just taking it one step at a time—that's a huge. A huge thing to think about as you're trying to implement like the routines and the systems that help you. So that's, that's a really, really good point. And to what Val was talking about, and this seems to happen a lot, and Val and I are seeing this in so many different rooms that there's so many overlapping factors with ADHD and as an adult and as a child. in relationships. So many of these things are quite applicable for all of them, for all like different people in different walks of life. You know, if you're a parent, if you're an entrepreneur, all of those things seem to be overlapping, and it's interesting to me. So I love that Val pointed that out again, that, you know, it's just as applicable, you know, for us and in our lives. So that's great.

Absolutely.

When I was in the schools You know, when you're learning, being trained as a special education teacher, and then I got my ESL endorsement and, you know, best teaching practices are best teaching practices. They're good for everyone. They're essential for some. So, all of these things, they're going to be good for all kids. They're going to be good for all people. What happens though, is if it's not in place for kids who are struggling, Then they flounder, you know, so there's best practices that would be great for everyone, and then they're essential for these.

Yeah, I think I see that with my, with my kiddo too. He is very resistant to routines. I mean, he is 16, and so I do try and allow him to And I do, he does a really good job. I do try to allow him to have a lot of say. I usually don't have as much, if any, say in exactly how he does things, but some, you know, once a month we'll sit down and we'll kind of go through, you know, how things are going through for going for him and then kind of reassess because, you know, as he, as he gets older, he's been, He's been able to kind of come into himself. And that doesn't happen with all kids. It didn't happen with me. My kid somehow is lucky enough to have, you know, a different kind of brain than I did. I was just kind of all over the place, but he seems to settle really well in his own. But just, you know, keeping with them, you know, helping them and meeting them where they are is Like a super, super important, um, a super important skill to have as a parent. I recognized I used to— I didn't understand what that meant. Like, what does it mean to meet them where they are? Um, and then when I recognized it, or when I finally felt what that meant for, for me, I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. Like, I'm pushing it. So I— What do you think about involving the kids in those processes so that they feel, you know, successful?

I think feel successful and also are more willing to participate, right? If I'm just putting something on top of them and they have no say, you're gonna get a lot more resistance. So, yeah, I do think it's important to include them. What do you think needs to happen? And we do this frequently. We have little We call them family councils where we get together and we say, okay, here's some things that aren't going well. What do you think's going well? What do you think's not going well? And what can we do to fix them? What are some goals that you want to work towards and how can we implement that in? So I think absolutely including them at whatever level they are capable and interested in with some guidance from So, they can give a goal and we'll say, okay, that's great, but let me tell you why I think that this goal is important too. So, we can kind of guide them. And I think the more we explain, definitely with my oldest in particular, he has to know the why behind everything down to every last detail or he's not going to do it. So, we have learned along the way how to explain. Explain things in a way that will make him see their, their value and their importance. And then as they get— because the idea is to teach them how to do this, right? So that they can eventually do it for themselves. So, we need to include them as much as is appropriate and as much as they are able in that process, scaffolding it as they get older, recognizing that they're not going to be able to do it independently quite as early as neurotypical kid would, that they're going to need support for a little bit longer. But, you know, ideally teaching them how to do it for themselves.

And I think that, you know, that takes the stress off of us. That's something that I actually talk about a lot is, is being able to hand the responsibility back to them because as a parent, we so often kind of take it all on and then we're totally exhausted. Right. I mean, I know that as soon as I, as he got older and I was trying to work on that with him, and it's different for every kid. Um, my kids are like fiercely independent, so I had to find this middle, this middle balance, um, where I wasn't being too overbearing, but I was still supporting because they really did not. If I said one thing, it's like they would do the opposite. And I was like that.

Mm-hmm.

I probably still am like that, honestly. Um, but I think that that's super important to make sure that you're finding, finding that balance of, of what that means. But it's stressful and it, it feels super overwhelming as we, as we have some of those challenges that we, we internalize them. And as a result, you know, we're showing up as, you know, well, me, I show up as like this angry madwoman because I'm so worried and I'm trying to do everything and be the all and do the all and not be judged and not have shame. And, you know, it's just, it's an ongoing spiral. So it is really important that we, you know, are continuing to teach our kids how to advocate for themselves, you know, and how to move forward and, you know, walk in their own way. So let's talk a little bit about advocating.

How do you advocate for your child with Well, so, school, understanding the school system and what kinds of language to use is kind of the key. So, I definitely recommend anytime if a kid is struggling in school and you're wanting to get some help, is reaching out to somebody who knows the system really well, who can help you advocate. Knowledge is power in that way. And so, you know, we know my husband was trained in school psychology, so we know the laws really, really well. After the first kind of negative meeting with the schools, when we all showed up and they realized what they were working with, things have gone much smoother since then. So sometimes just having that advocate with you at the beginning lets the school know that you're taking it seriously and that They can't mess around with you. It's interesting because having worked in the schools, like I know that schools and teachers are trying to do what's best for kids. It becomes kind of adversarial for us as parents because we feel like they are just coming after our kids, and and think always having that in the back of their mind that these people really do to help kids. They wouldn't do what they do if they didn't. They don't get paid enough for it. So somewhere in them, they want to do what's best for kids. They want to help kids. Just a lot of times they don't understand our kids. ADHD is still so misunderstood. And so we have to come to the school with a lot of knowledge and with a lot of being very open. The best way to make sure that you're in a position to advocate well for your kids, whether that's formally through requesting a 504 or an IEP or just with an individual teacher, is to be present, to get to know the teachers well, and let them know that they can communicate with you. You know, they have a lot of parents who don't want to hear that their kid is doing something wrong. And so they will wait to contact parents until things get really bad. And at that point, you know, we've got all this negative stuff built up. So I like to go at the beginning of every school year, and I encourage clients to do the same, and, and not just go to back-to-school night where you have, you know, 30 seconds and they're seeing however many other teachers. Or however many other parents, and they're probably not gonna remember you, but to go make a meeting before school starts or within the first week to sit down for half an hour and talk about your kid, about their strengths and weaknesses, about things that they might need, to give the teacher your phone number, your email address, multiple ways to contact you, and let them know that they can shoot you a message anytime because we wanna catch problems. early, and then the better you get to know those teachers, the better. I also recommend, you know, get involved in the classroom, volunteer, hang out after school, and just create a personal relationship with that teacher. There's a lot of my kids' teachers who are We've had in the past who I am still good friends with because that relation, personal relationship with them, it eases talking about the problems with the kids. It eases communication, and communication is huge when we're trying to help these kids in school.

There's so much more to the process, but I don't know kind of which direction you want to Um, yeah, whatever you're like most comfortable with, you know, um, I would just, you know, go on that because I think we're all at a different point. So whatever, whatever you're comfortable with and dealing with, you know, just share that knowledge with us and we can, yeah, we can go from there.

Okay. So we can talk about kind of the different formal ways to get help at school, and that is through an IEP, Individualized Education Plan, which is through special education, or more commonly for kids with ADHD is 504 accommodations. So the big difference between an IEP and a 504 and whether or not you need it has to do with whether or not the disability requires specialized instruction in order for the student to have access to the curriculum and to get their free appropriate public education, FAPE, as they call it.

So, Mm-hmm.

if your kid needs extra math instruction, if they're, you know, behind or they have a disability in that area, then they're going to go for an IEP. But most kids with ADHD, it's not academically or learning that is the problem, it's behavior and executive functioning and social skills problems that are getting in the way. So, those are things we can do through accommodations on a 504. The process to getting both of those started just comes with filling out a form with the administration. If a parent requests an evaluation for a 504 or an evaluation for for an IEP, the school has to provide that evaluation or provide a lot of evidence and documentation for why they're not going to do it.

Mm-hmm.

9 times out of 10, they'll just do the testing because gathering all of that data and information to, to refuse to test is a lot harder than just doing the testing. So your kid may or may not qualify at that point, but it is a good way to get some free testing either way. They will do cognitive and academic testing. I always recommend check all the boxes, so they'll get OT evaluation, they'll get speech-language, they'll evaluate in all possible disability categories. Again, it's free, it's decent evaluation, and if you're looking at getting further evaluation for your kid, looking for, you know, hidden learning disabilities Or, um, any other kind of issues that you might go to like a psychologist or a neuropsychologist for. Um, they're going to do the same kinds of tests plus more, but you can get some of it done by the school for free and then take that report to your psychologist and they can just add to it rather than starting from scratch. And again, that means fewer hours that you're paying for a psychologist. So that's kind of a side tangent there, but use the schools. It's there, it's paid for. Um, you can get a lot of good assessment from those evaluations, whether or not your child qualifies for special education at that point. Um, some 504 recommendations that are really common for kids with ADHD is, you know, preferred seating, um, break, multiple breaks from the classroom.

Mm-hmm.

No penalty for late work. So they don't— their grade doesn't get hit if they don't turn something in on time because it's stuck in their backpack or whatever. Executive functioning support. So that could come in the— in like a behavior tracker or support using a planner. There's things you can do for like note-taking. Whether that's get a copy of the notes from the teacher, or sometimes they'll have another student who will copy their notes and give them to your student. Kids with ADHD are not great at, number one, picking out the important details. So they'll tend to either write down everything or nothing because they can't figure out what is kind of the main idea. And then kids with ADHD, dysgraphia is really common. So taking notes by hand can be incredibly painful, so they either won't do it or they won't be able to read it later because it's a mess and it's disorganized. So note-taking support can be a big one. You can get accommodations on testing, on like end-of-year tests, to either split it up into smaller chunks or If your kid has a hard time being in a room full of kids to take a test, either because of distractions or because, like, I have— my son will tend to just rush through because he doesn't want to be the last one finishing a test. You can have them get all their tests in a different room. You can put in there, you know, that the teacher needs to communicate assignments with home so that you can double-check and make sure that they are Getting everything in their planner, that they know what all of their assignments are. There's— the list of accommodations is kind of endless, and the key is to, again, be really straightforward about what the strengths and weaknesses are and get the right school people on your team.

I think that is some awesome gems right there. There's so much information, and it is— it's really difficult. A lot of people ask about the 504s and the IEPs and the difference between them. And I think the easiest way to explain it, as like that I've heard, is that the 504 are like accommodations, like you're trying to help somebody. And then the IEP is if there are like disabilities or medical type conditions. So for example, like one of Max's friends has diabetes, so he doesn't necessarily need an IEP because he just needs an accommodation. Like, if he needs a snack or if he needs something, he has permission to get up and, you know, leave the classroom when he needs to, and he definitely takes advantage of that.

So this— what 504 comes from is Section 504, which is the Individuals with Disabilities Act.

So it has to do with access. So it's like why every building has to have an elevator and a wheelchair ramp, right? So that people with disabilities can access the building. So it gets applied in schools as a way of making sure that you get the access that you need and the accommodations that you need in order to access your education. The prongs for Special education, it's do they have a disability, number one, and then number two, do they require specialized instruction? So, like, my kid might need some support. He might need to take breaks in the classroom, but he doesn't need specialized math help. He doesn't need to be taught how to take a break outside of the classroom, right? So, It's, do they need an accommodation? They need a change to the environment. They need a tweaking of the system in order to make it work for them, or do they need someone to explicitly teach them? And that's kind of the, the, the, the legal difference between the two.

Wow, this is so helpful. It's so weird how Timing works, but last night I lead this Bible study, and one of the women in my group like broke down crying. And it's so interesting having been in these rooms because I'm not a mom, but I've been listening all week, right? Like we've had a lot of parenting rooms, and she broke down crying and was talking about her eight-year-old daughter and these behaviors that she was having. And you know this anger and all of these things that I was like ident. I'm like, I know what this is. You know, like I could tell, and I talked to her about it, and I said, "I'm." I think maybe, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but what you're identifying sounds a lot like early stages of ADHD. And so hearing these different resources of the IEP evaluation and things like that is so helpful. And I'm so grateful that you've talked about this because I'm going to pass this on to this woman. She did get in with a neuroscientist doctor or that evaluation, but not until like January. So this resource is so helpful. And to know that, you know, this is something that's just available in the school system with, you know, the money that we pay for taxes, that these things are available. And I think so often, at least for myself, sometimes I'm afraid to ask for those accommodations. You know what I mean? Like, because I don't want to feel different. I don't want to feel weird. But something that— some advice that was given, not by myself, but another woman in my Bible study last night, who had gone through something similar with her child was to look at your child and let them know that no matter what, you love them and that there's not something wrong with them, but instead to approach it with your kid that, hey, all of our brains are so fascinating and interesting and, oh my gosh, they're so intricate. And, we get to go look and see what your brain looks like and see how you function uniquely. And really bringing it on where it's not like an extra stressor for the kid or this thing of like you're different because they're already feeling that and they're already frustrated. So, I love this conversation. I'm so grateful and I am definitely passing this information on to that woman last night. So, thank you.

Oh, good. I'm glad. I think coming at it from approach with our kids, especially in the evaluation process or end diagnosis, right? Or, we're going to try and figure out what's wrong with you. Is not what they need to hear. They already feel like everything is wrong with them, right?

So, coming at it from this approach of, we're gonna go figure out— everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

I'm good at some things and terrible at others. Dad is good at this and terrible at that. We're gonna go find out what you're good at, what your strengths are, and what your weaknesses are so that we can use your strengths. To make up for and help the weak spots. And that really should always be the approach in evaluation, is not, not to diagnose, but to get a good profile of strengths and weaknesses that we can work from.

Because I can look at some neuropsych testing and see, okay, well, we've—

we're a little bit of a slow processor, so what are some accommodations we're going to need from that? Well, we're going to need to make sure that all of the Instructions that the teacher's giving are also given to me written down, because if I'm a slow processor, then I'm still processing step 1 when teacher's giving step 4. And then, so I've missed step 2, step 3, and step 4, and then I might come back around for step 5, but I've missed all of those things in the middle because my brain was still processing them. So, that's an easy accommodation for a teacher to do is just Write down the instructions as well, and now the kid has all the information that they need to be successful. If same thing with, if I look at an evaluation and it shows, you know, a poor working memory, okay, we're going to put in some accommodations that are going to help that working memory. We're not going to give more than 2 or 3 directions at a time because kids aren't going to be able to hold that information in his brain. We're going to teach him how to offload. You know, that information onto a piece of paper, whether that's, you know, figuring out little symbols to give himself, or, you know, give him a code that he can write down so that he can help accommodate those weaknesses. So, we got to know what they are so that we can adapt and come up with good accommodations that way. And I was thinking about what you were saying about how, you know, these kids don't want to look different, so we don't want to ask for help, and it reminded me So this summer, one of my sons was playing in a baseball tournament in Orlando. And so, you know, we've been talking for several years about doing a Disney trip, but my youngest is just really— he has a lot of struggles. There's a lot of sensory stuff. He doesn't— there will be no waiting in line for him. It would be a disastrous meltdown. So we've put it off. Um, but we were going down for this baseball tournament and I was like, we're already going to be at Disney World. The baseball tournament is at Disney World. So it would be silly to not go do some parks. So we're doing some research trying to figure out the best way to do this and they have this disability access pass available. And I, I think it's hard for us with ADHD because You know, still, even as much as I know, and as much as I know how difficult ADHD is, there's this, oh, it's just ADD, right? It's, oh, it's just this little thing. It's not a real disability, right? Everybody— there's this idea of what ADHD is and how misunderstood it is.

And so to ask for a disability pass, you know, feels like Well, am I just milking my kid's disability?

He'd really be fine. It just, he just wouldn't have as much fun and we don't want to stand in line, you know, am I using the system? But as we sat down and talked to him, it was like, you know, there are very few places that are willing to accommodate for a kid with ADHD. And in order for us to enjoy this vacation and not all just be tearing our hair out trying to manage this kid standing in line where he's going to be melting down and trying to take off and climbing the walls. That's not going to be a fun vacation for us or for anybody. So using that accommodation is making it so that our family can have a similar vacation to a family full of neurotypical kids.

So to me, that's what accommodation is. It's not taking things that we don't need.

It's not milking the system.

It's not taking the easy way out.

So that our experience can be the same as another family's experience.

Which is so comforting to have some type of a plan moving forward. Because sometimes when that doesn't happen, because Nicole, you have ADHD, I have ADHD, Sometimes that plan, if we don't have a plan, it just goes crazy because then we're all crazy.

So I think taking time to do that is amazing.

So before we keep going, I'm going to take some time to reset the room. And for those of you that have any questions for Nicole, go ahead and raise your hand and we can bring you up here to ask questions. So you are in the ADHD Parenting Club, and if you haven't already, go ahead and Click the, um, greenhouse that's right above the title of the room to follow. And we are doing this whole month of October, ADHD Rise. And this is a collaboration between me, um, and Val Nichols, my girl next to me right here. And we are doing this all month long. We have 2 speakers every day, Monday through Friday at 9:30 and 1:30, and we have all different types of speakers.

So ADHD entrepreneurs, we talk about the comorbidities and depression, anxiety, parenting, and women and men ADHD. So it's going to be quite, quite the month. And we're so excited to share all of these. Well, I think we have like 40+ speakers, so we're super excited to have you guys here. And also I wanted to say, if you go to either Val or I's Instagram, you can Click on the link to register for this summit, and then you'll have access to the Facebook group and replays so that you can, you can have all the good stuff.

So thank you guys so much for being here, and we're super excited.

So if you have any questions, we did have someone—

Marla, do you want me to bring you back up? I don't know if you got kicked off.

But if you have any questions, we'd love to hear from anyone in the audience. One thing I was thinking is, how do we know when to let go and what we should hand off to our kids? What do you think, Nichole? When should we know when to let go?

Oh my gosh. I don't know that I have the answer to that today.

Loaded question.

Well, what is an idea?

Like, how do you, how do you see that in your life showing up? Like, what, what are some of the signs that you're seeing?

I guess.

I think, you know, we need to be ready to let go, but also to grab back on if needed.

You know, kids are going to go through times where they're able to handle more or less, and just to be kind of aware of where they are means checking in frequently. It means having open communication with your kid. And have language that they know that, you know, if they're struggling, you can say this. If this is happening, you can tell me that, like, to have those conversations frequently. And sometimes you just have to test it, let go a little bit and see what happens. And if they, you know, are doing well, then we can let go a little bit more. And if not, then maybe we tighten back up again. It's got to be something that's very fluid. I feel like for a very long time, you know, I'm not expecting that at 18, my kid is going to be able to just go off and be on his own and be functional. He's going to need a few more years of additional support, whether that's from me or whether that's from coaches or whatever. I think the other thing is to teach our kids where to go when they need help.

I'm all about outsourcing as much as possible. So tutors, coaches, Teachers, find a person where you are that you have a trusting relationship that you know is on your side that you can go to when you're struggling. And for me, I think that's the big piece in knowing whether or not they're ready to take it on their own is if they are willing to go get that help, if they take that responsibility on. If they know where to go and when to get help when they need it, then I think— That might be a good cue that they're ready.

So it looks like we have a couple questions. Lynn, welcome to Clubhouse. It looks like you're a newbie. How are you today?

Or not.

So if you do have a question, You can go ahead and unmute and ask, Lynn. If not, then we can move you back to the audience or have you stay up here for a sec till we figure it out.

I know, I know sometimes Clubhouse is a little confusing.

Flora, did you have a question for Nicole?

Hello. I just want to Say I'm glad for and thankful for this opportunity. I actually don't have a question, but I, I have ADHD, which is quite difficult to live with, but I'm so glad and happy that there's a family out here. who have their dear ones just like me, or even they themselves. So I'm just happy to be here, this beautiful family. Thank you.

Yeah, and thanks so much for being here. We appreciate your, um, your willingness to come up here and, and share with us. We love it.

Thank you so much.

Hey, Summer, thank you.

I apologize, I was trying to figure out how to unmute it.

Oh, I know, it's a new, it's a new experience for sure.

Go ahead, did you have a question?

Yes, so, um, I just want to first thank you guys for taking the opportunity to provide, uh, support for parents like myself and, and us. Um, life is hard in general.

It doesn't make it any better when we have children who are special, children who are, you know, above and beyond and don't even realize it half the time. You know, I have a child who is ADHD along with Asperger's, compulsive disorders, anxiety, separation anxiety, social engagement, and the list goes on. And we have been fighting for 4 years to get proper diagnosis and Instead of just a runaround. Oh, it's a behavior problem. Oh, it's this.

Oh, it's that. Now, I will say my child is very smart, very intelligent.

Before the motor tics kicked in and all these challenges, he was a walk-a-straight-path young man up until the age of 5.

At the age of 2, I had already seen signs, but doctors wouldn't acknowledge that at that age. It wasn't that obvious to them. And I respect Um, my thing is, my child is 4 years old now. I'm sorry, he's in 4th grade now. He's 9 years old, and I'm dealing with a lot of— he's on what they call, uh, Quilevan XR. Um, out of all the ADHD medications, this has been the most phenomenal one, so I'm thankful for that. But my biggest thing is He challenges so much with consistency, and I'm torn between the autism aspect and the ADHD. You know, I'm ADHD, so I know consistency can be a challenge, but a part of me feels like this is like overly challenging for him. And we tried, you know, mapping things out like, okay, here's the board, do this, once you finish this, then go I mean, it's gotten to the point where it's like 2.5 seconds later, what do I have to do again? Okay, what did you say again? I can't— you cannot feed him more than one thing, more than 3 or 4 words at a time. And we have such a problem getting assistance. We have such a problem getting support. You know, I rely on support groups. I rely on research because there's just not doctors out here that are really putting forth like they need to where we're at.

And I believe no child should ever be left behind.

So my question is, where do I go to get these type of therapies that I may not have to rely on a support group that would benefit him with all the other underlying challenges that he has, because I know he's capable. But at the same time, there's a part of him that just— he gets so frustrated he starts banging his head. He starts hitting himself in the head, you know. He, he gets emotional breakdowns and they can last for 3 hours, you know. And, and he's precise. If you don't do it exactly a certain way that he knows how, that Totally throws him off the scale. I can't get him into the routine of every day. Okay, first thing you do, you go brush your teeth, you go to the bathroom. You know, it's like.

I first of all, I just want to give you a big. Hug, because I can feel your overwhelm and—

sorry, my child is interrupting.

Um, I can feel your overwhelm and I have been there. In fact, I have been there very recently. So I feel you and I'm so sorry that things are hard right now.

And I can tell you that they will not always be.

There will be periods, but they will not always be This way. The next thing I would say is sometimes it's okay to just—

yes, it's raining.

Sorry, it stopped. To just do the bare minimum. Sometimes that's all we can do. And we need to know what we can do and what we need to put down. Um, have you done like a comprehensive evaluation?

Well, here's my thing. I, I, I'm still learning this, you know.

They have done— they have— we have done an ADOS screening. We have done a, um, he has a neurologist who has done an MRI, um, who specifically said, I recommend cognitive behavior therapy. I recommend, um, uh, what is it, uh, um, they offer it in school sometimes, uh, to help them with their, uh, impulse control. Um, they recommended speech therapy because he can't swallow pills. And when we go to get these, these assistance, you know, it's like, well, you're right now we're on Medicaid, okay, but that shouldn't—

It's a huge—

Yeah, right, it is, it is a huge—

it shouldn't, it shouldn't be.

But the thing of it is, it's like my whole thing is when it comes to him, I am his advocate, I am his voice. He has, he has an advocate with InSource, which is great, you know, so they help us with the school, but all these screenings that we did. It started out with ADHD, and I knew that from the get-go that that's what he had because I have it. I seen it early on. But all these screenings, including the school, was always saying, oh, he, he just has traits and characteristics, but he's— he doesn't follow the spectrum, and it only gets worse. And I'm like, listen, you guys are treating one thing and you're forgetting about everything else. Now you've given him a diagnosis after I went out of the medical network that we were in into a whole nother town for a non-biased medical decision. And within 10 minutes was able to determine he had Asperger's, which we already knew that. And now we go back to the table and these doctors are like, well, you know, his ADHD, there's not really much we can do. We can offer you this and offer you that, but then you got 6 months to 8 months before you can even get into to get a therapist for that.

Yeah. And I'm like, I hear you. It's a huge problem. And I, and I can see it from both sides because my husband is a child psychologist who specializes in this and his therapy waitlist right now is 12 months.

Yeah.

It's insane. Which is why we are currently opening, uh, in the process of opening a more comprehensive clinic just for ADHD, autism, and learning disabilities, um, in the hopes of training up some more people and having all of those services in one place. Because like you're saying, we, you know, we've got a psychiatrist for medication, we've got a psychologist for therapy, we've got speech-language pathologists, we've got occupational therapists, we have all—

That's what I was gonna say.

Coaches, tutors, so many different people we've gotta go see, right? So that's kind of been our big Push is to try and get all of those services in one location to make things easier for parents. Um, if you don't have a comprehensive evaluation where they are looking at everything all at one time, not just like, oh, we're just testing for autism, but let's test for everything and get a good, like I was mentioning before, a good profile of strengths and weaknesses, that is what I would push for first. You can do that through a neuropsychologist or a clinical psychologist. who specializes in ADHD. Um, that's what I would find first, those— a specialist in neurodevelopment, and they can help you to find those resources. And then the next thing is, um, I can recommend some books and things if you want to reach out to me on social media.

Uh-huh.

So I can get a few more details. Um, Instagram is where I am the most frequently, so that's the fastest way to get in touch with me, or you can email me at nicole@parenting-adhd.com.

I'd love to get a few more details so that I can give you some more specific advice on where to go and kind of what some things that you could try.

Okay. Um, what is, what is your view on when it comes to, uh, what is it called, genetics? Because he has a future appointment with a genetic specialist in autism, and it was suggested, but my thing is, what are, what, what, what can that tell us? And can it tell us anything?

Yeah, I mean, we know that these things are highly genetic. Unless they suspect that there's some other kind of genetic thing going on apart from autism, I don't know that a geneticist would offer any new information. All they're gonna say is, yes, he has genetic markers for autism. You know, we already know that. If they're looking at genetic markers for some other type of genetic disability, um, then that's great.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, if not, I would put your efforts into finding a good, uh, neuropsych assessment that can give you a full comprehensive evaluation and a profile of strengths and weaknesses, 'cause that's gonna be the most practical piece of information.

Yeah, 'cause it's hard to, to differentiate, you know, I'm, I'm doing my, you know, research of, okay, is this the autism side or is this the ADHD side?

Because you have to, you have to address and acknowledge it totally different.

Well, and there is a lot of overlap.

Uh-huh.

And the bottom line is, Sometimes it doesn't matter where it's coming from. We're going to address the behavior and we're going to address the problem and the solution. You know, yeah, there are some things that work better for ADHD and some things that work better for autism generally, but when it comes down to the individual kid, all that does is give us kind of a direction to go in. And what we have to figure out is what works best for your kid.

Right.

We're go— so we're gonna pick one problem and we're gonna work on solving one problem at a time, and we're gonna let everything else go. We're just gonna put it on the back burner because that's not what we're focusing on right now. And we're gonna acknowledge that that's okay. We're making progress on our timetable.

So not to worry about overcoming multiple challenges at this point.

Right. Just pinpointing one problem. right now, the problem of our morning routine. And that's all we're going to work on right now. And we're gonna let everything else slide until we get that one fire put out. Because if we're trying to put out 17 wildfires at once, we're going to be consumed. But I can put out this one little campfire in this corner. We're going to start there.

I see, I see. Yeah, because right now we, we have the biggest challenge of the vitamin deficiency. We have the biggest challenge with the sleep issue.

Yeah, there's a lot. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna— there's some more people on the stage that want to ask some questions. So I'm gonna have you message me. Okay. And let's pick some, some things to work on that way.

Bless you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Lynn, for all your good questions. I hope that was helpful. Nicole's a fantastic Fantastic, a fantastic resource. Um, I also have, um, a parenting guide that has about 10 pages of resources in it, um, on my website. So if you go to livelifeclearly.com, it's got like, it's got like the parenting guide at the beginning, and then there's about 10 pages of resources that, um, you can have too. So that, that could be helpful as well.

Thanks.

Um, okay, Julie. No, let's go to Shawnee. I think I don't know who was here. Let me PTR. Yeah, let's go ahead, Julie. And what, what can we do for you today?

Hi, thank you so much for pulling me up on stage. What a great topic and what great advice you're giving. I love the fact that you're really sticking in, just looking at the particular child and what their strengths and abilities are, because regardless of diagnosis, like, that helps understand some things, but how do we help them feel, like, empowered, and how do we engage them in the activities that are meaningful to them to help build the skills and that independence, because that's really what it's about. So thank you for adding that piece and really focusing on one thing at a time. So I guess my question is, it's a little bit controversial, so you don't have to go through this today, but oftentimes I have some, some students that go on medications and it doesn't work. So I'm not sure if it's like a different type that is affecting it, or sometimes I hear like, oh well, maybe it's not ADHD, maybe it's something dealing with like a trauma in their past or attachment that's— or maybe it's like a sensory dysregulation and that's something that we explore further. Just wanted to know your thoughts on that piece. Thank you so much. I'm Julie and I'm done speaking.

So medication is really complicated because we don't really know— we're learning more, but we still don't really know why something does or doesn't work. So medication is a real trial and error thing. Some meds don't work for some kids and do for others. Some kids need much higher doses than others. My 5-year-old is on the same dose as my 13-year-old, which I was like, it's too much for him, isn't it? And this doctor said, well, no, because some kids just metabolize it differently. And we started as low as we can And we work our way up, and it takes a long time to figure out the right medication, the right combination of medications. Sometimes it's a you know a multi medication approach that works. So kind of just trying one med and being like that didn't work, he must not have ADHD is just a is a little premature. Now if you've gone down that road for years under the care of doctor and they've figured out that, yeah, none of these medications are really working out for us, then we start looking at other things. But it's just a really complicated issue, unfortunately, just because we don't know that much about it. Not true!

Isaac, what's not true? Sorry, my 5-year-old says, not true!

Thank you, Nicole. I appreciate that. And if I can ask another question, if you don't mind, just something from your experience, like, what are your go-to, like, tips and tricks for helping regulate in the classroom? So whether it be the fidget tools or seating options, what have you found has worked in your experience? I'm Julie, and I'm done speaking.

Again, that can be such an individual issue, but kind of good places to start are with just watching the kid and see how long they can maintain a task. And then, once you've figured out kind of how long that is, you're going to offer a break about 2 minutes before they're going to reach their capacity. So, you got to kind of be paying attention and just let them kind of have some movement or get a drink of water or take something down to the office, something where they can kind of break that up.

One of the biggest kind of accommodations, I think, especially for younger kids, is to not present them with too much to do at once.

So, you know, instead of handing them a sheet of math, you're going to give them— You know, 3 problems to do at a time, because if they see too much, they don't know where to start and it hits that overwhelm. So that's kind of a big one, is to, is to be careful how much you're presenting at once and to help them to break that down. Um, kind of looking on my own kids' experience in elementary school, the best thing that you can do for an ADHD kid in school as a teacher is to start working on teaching them executive functions.

Mm-hmm.

So help them learn how to write things down as early as they are able to write things down. Teach planner skills and things like that, because the kid— neurotypical kids could kind of naturally pick that up on their own when they transition to middle school. The ADHD kids walk in completely lost, and it's a huge problem. So if you can help them to develop those executive functioning skills, that's going to be a huge help. going to be— it's going to help them in your classroom, but it's also going to have the biggest benefit to them as they go forward in school. I hope that answers your question. It's kind of a broad topic.

No, I absolutely love that answer. Thank you so much. And I'm so happy that you brought up the executive functioning piece, because what I find, at least in what I do, is that when we introduce those various techniques earlier on, they feel more confident and capable of using those when they reach that high school age. So for example, if maybe they're using a software where it's like a read aloud, or they're using an Audible, or some sort of alternate way of reading, or even if it's not just writing out your work, but you're typing it out, or you're doing speech-to-text, for example, when we introduce that earlier on and they have practice with it, it seems like that, yeah, they're more likely to use it when they're amongst peers in that age range, and they ask like, why do you do that and I don't? It just becomes a natural part of their everyday routine. So I appreciate you talking about skill building a bit earlier on. Thank you so much. I'm Julie, and I'm done speaking.

Thank you so much, Julie, for your great questions. So we're gonna go ahead and wrap up the room. Nicole, tell everyone where— well, tell everyone where we can find you and how we can get in touch with Great.

Um, you can find me on Instagram @NicoleMilesCoaching. That's where I am the most frequently, so that's the fastest way to get in touch with me, or through email nicole@parenting-adhd.com. I'm currently offering free 30-minute consultations, um, for about the next month or so, um, in conjunction with this RISE event. So if you are wanting to get to know a little bit more about what I could do for your family, or just have a question you want solved.

There's no, you know, obligation to continue with coaching after that 30-minute consultation. It's just something I wanted to offer to families during this ADHD Awareness Month. So you can find that link, um, on my website parenting-adhd.com or in my bio on Instagram.

So Come, I would love to meet you and talk to you more and see how I can help you and your family.

Thank you, Nicole.

Have I been on mute the whole time, Nicole?

Yeah, you've been muted for a minute.

Hi, Shawnee. Do you have a quick question before we close? I know you were up here before.

I wanted you to get a chance to ask.

I do, and I'm sorry about that. Of course, someone ran into me and they wanted to talk. I'm like, I'm waiting to ask my question. Get away from me. But my question was about the note-taking. So my son is a 5th grader. He's 11. He does have an IEP, and I would like to, I like, I don't like to say I'm pushy, but I'm very assertive in what I need for him. So the school has now implemented all of these things for the 5th graders.

Good, good for you. Keep pushing.

But I had a question about the note-taking. So when you said the note-taking, is that something that you are suggesting that the school implements for them, or something that we should do at home? That's Shania. I'm Shania.

So, you can definitely work on teaching note-taking skills at home. What I was talking about was an accommodation on a 504 to get note-taking support. So, whether that— for a lot of times right now, what they will do is just the teacher will provide a copy of the notes either before or after, so they have an opportunity to take their notes, but then they get the notes from the teacher.

So, if They missed important things, they can fill in the gaps. So, um, note-taking support as an accommodation is extremely helpful for kids with ADHD, um, either because their attention will drift and they'll miss something, or just because with their executive functioning deficits, they just have a hard time picking out the important details.

And that is definitely a skill you can work on at home.

I wish schools would teach it better because they just expect kids to just know how to take notes. Um, but they don't teach it very well. There's definitely— I've found some programs on Teacher Pay Teacher that we've worked on in the summer just as one of our kind of summer goals to get better at different skills. So that's definitely something that you can work on at home.

And what was the website you use?

Teacher Pay Teacher. It's just a— it's a website where teachers will build lesson plans and sell them to other teachers. And so you can go through and find all kinds of lesson plans that you can use at home.

It's really awesome.

Perfect. I am familiar with that. Okay. Thank you very much.

Awesome. I'm so glad you got to ask your question. Yeah. And if you want to contact Nicole or I, just reach out to us in our DMs. Yes. Thank you everyone for being here. If you haven't already registered for the summit, Go ahead and go to my Instagram bio or Nicole's— sorry, Val Nichols, as I saw Nicole's name. Go ahead and go there and you can register for our summit there. And you can go to my website and download my parenting guide. It's livelifeclearly.com. And yeah, check all those wonderful things out. We will have Val and I later on today at 1:30 Pacific time. And we will be doing a recap and an overview and a little party for the ADHD Rise Summit. So thanks everyone for being here. Feel free to reach out to anyone that you resonated with, and we will see you at 1:30. Thanks everyone.

Thanks, Summer.