Less Reactive More Calm ADHD | Brian King | ADHD RISE | Hosted By Val Nichols & Summer Christiansen

It's safe to say it's your response. Why are you responding to a peanut that way? Because maybe at some point in your past, you had some kind— something in your body said danger when it comes to peanuts. Well, when you're neurodivergent, your nervous system tends to be more ramped up and more hypervigilant and more likely to interpret the environment as threatening than safe. So criticism, when your nervous system receives it, tends to be filtered as a much higher level of threat than it might the average person, like an allergic response. So criticism, when a neurodivergent person or ADHD person receives it, feels like a much stronger hit than it might be for somebody else. You know, I'm sure you're familiar with the, uh, concept of catastrophizing things or all-or-nothing thinking? That's what I'm talking about here. The tendency to take in anything that you receive from the outside and amplifying it, because that's what our nervous system does. We rarely operate within the gray, which is something that we absolutely need to be able to do, because in the absence of being able to do that, we can only have 2 categories to put it in. We can either minimize it and make it, you know, blah, boring, or nothing, or we can make it so extreme that it overwhelms us. Sometimes we can find some points in between, but not as often as we need to. Reactivity comes from that place in us that detects everything as a threat. And if everything is a threat, what kind of options do we have in how we can respond? Fight, flight, or freeze. So what is our default setting if we can see— we perceive everything as a threat? Our default setting is anxiety. Anxiety is how we are when we're in idle, when we're waiting for something to react to. Then when something comes along for us to react to, then we take that anxiety, we channel it into fight, Flight or freeze. So the thing to determine is what threats do we perceive in our everyday life that our body— not just our mind, because this goes beyond thoughts, this is our nervous system— that our body perceives as threats? And how do we learn physiologically, neurologically, that these threats in reality Do not exist. Because if you can learn they don't exist and you can help your body calm down through things like mindfulness, breathing techniques, some cognitive stuff with mindset, you can unlearn and uncondition this reactivity from your nervous system so that you experience more calm and focus. So that's the gist of it.

Oh my goodness, Brian, this is incredible. I am so appreciative of the information you're giving us and it's so interesting. I was just talking to one of my mentors before I got on this call and exactly what you're saying, you know, I know for me in the growth that I've done over the past, you know, 10, 15 years, there was a point where I remember a mentor of mine looking at me and saying, Val, you're living in this constant state of, you know, being in the top drawer, you know, think about like a dresser or something like that. She's like, you live in the top drawer and you live in the bottom drawer. What you're not realizing is there's an entire array of drawers to live from, but because you're in that pendulum of black or white, all or nothing, good or bad, you know, like I was in that reactive space and where I was making a lot of decisions that were from that fight-or-flight, you know, when you said that, that definitely resonated, that feeling of, you know, our breath gets like more shallow, we're in that space of believing that people are trying to wrong us or like you brought up before that we are bad and then we get in that self-beat-up.

Yeah.

I think that's a huge thing for people, you know, for what I'm hearing, And I think resonates with a lot of my clients is we get in that self-beat-up where we're never quite good enough. And then we're trying to prove to the external world through validation, maybe it's a fun flirty text that you get, or, you know, something like that, where it's like you're seeking that approval outside of yourself.

Yeah, one of the questions that can go through your mind because you become a people pleaser. Because the feedback you get from people around you is you're not good enough unless, you know, you're not good enough unless you behave the way I want you to. You know, your parents give you that, the teachers give you that, your parents, your friends' parents give you that. That's the feedback consistently. And so you ultimately have to try and force yourself to mask your behaviors so that people get off your back. But the problem is You have to work so hard to give them the behavior that they want that you consistently go with your needs unmet. And that's one of the biggest sins of the system, is it is so out of balance in favor of the status quo and what everybody else wants that success for them is, okay, you look like you're supposed to, you're acting like you're supposed to, who cares if you're depressed and suffering in silence because we're getting what we want and your grades look good. That's a lousy deal. You know, it's possible for us to get our needs met and for them to get their needs met too. And I think that's where our current consciousness positions us for beautifully. You know, with folks like you and I, Val, where we can self-advocate and articulate our experience and say, hey, there's a middle point here where we can meet and devise a win-win arrangement. Where we both come out ahead. But the kids unfortunately don't know how to do this. They're just trying to survive and belong. And usually what they're asked to do in order to do this is to sacrifice their own identity and their own needs just to belong. And we need to stop doing that to them. That's why so many of these kids are anxious and depressed. And dare I say, a lot of the adults.

Yeah, if I can just comment on that, it's so true because I see it. I mean, a lot of that is so relevant to what's going on right now in the world, you know, in general, but also how our kids are responding to that. And if they don't have those tools, they are— they're trying to to get validation from external sources. I mean, we are beings of connection, right? We do—

Yeah.

That's what we want. So our kids in future, you know, they are going to be seeking that validation, but giving them those skills that will allow them to do that. And here's what I've noticed, super interesting. I teach my kids that kind of stuff, but it's not up to me if they actually use it. Because I'm so surprised at some of the comments that they make, even though I'm their mother. And I'm like, I'm not sure other than just, you know, continuing to reinforce and, you know, take them, you know, on the journey. I don't know that, you know, we can do much more than that education and helping, you know, just, you know, walking with them through it. Because my, my daughter has anxiety, and we've been working on it since she was like, But she, she has gotten better. But really, until she's ready to make that step, there can't be the type of change that she would like to see. Does that make sense?

Oh, it makes perfect sense. And you just reminded me of something I wanted to add in relationship to Val's previous point. Yeah, about the dresser and living in that state of black and white all the time is when you make decisions from that place of anxiety all the time, is you're coming from a place of fear, and your decisions then become about how do I maintain security and comfort, as opposed to how do I set myself up for growth and resilience. And that's one of the reasons why so many people that are neurodiverse feel stuck all the time, is because they want to stay right where they are, where they feel safe, and And then they kind of blame the world for all of that.

Well, because they're comfortable, right? That's what our brains want us to think, that we stay in that place.

But it doesn't mean they're happy.

Oh no, no, no.

Comfort and happiness are not synonymous.

Absolutely. Oh yes, for sure. It's interesting.

And it's not to say that society does not do its part to stand in the way of people that think and do differently. That They absolutely are. But then there are those aspects of our way of being that are conditioned as we have reacted and inflated and exaggerated because of our all-or-nothing way of being. We have made the world more terrifying than it actually is. So by learning to find that middle ground and orient our thinking and our way of being around that, We find greater balance because I don't think I have overcome anything. What I've done is offset my challenges with knowledge and skills that help balance out my challenges with strengths.

Yes.

Oh my gosh, what you just said is so beautiful in the fact that I don't think I've overcome anything, right? So I want people to— if you're just Popping in and yeah, feel free to raise your hand. We will open it up for some Q&A in a moment. If you're just popping in, we're talking to Brian King. He is a master social worker and he is sharing some amazing truth bombs. I wish as an Android user I had access to clips because I literally want to clip like everything he's saying, right? And you know, the thing is like we're not standing up here saying we've overcome or I'm sure Brian, you know, like it's that self-awareness that comes from realizing that as neurodiverse people, or as people with ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger's, you know, whatever you have, whatever you identify as, that with self-awareness comes that power of realizing that, you know, this is something that is, is normal. You know, if you're, if you're feeling that, that pendulum, that all or nothing, that discontentness, We seem to have this unique experience which you definitely just spoke to of always wanting something more, but also resisting the change as it comes. I thought that was very beautiful how you said that, that, you know, like we give ourselves this internal conflict in this struggle of, yeah, we want to be growth-minded, we want to move forward, we want to do all these things and on the same side of the coin, we also want things to stay the same and be safe. And fit into a perfect little box, right? So that is a very interesting point that you brought up. I love that.

And again, with the all-or-nothing thinking, we think that change has to be an upheaval because it's not just changing a little thing. It's, oh my goodness, I need to change everything. Because when you— when we— when I work with my clients and they come to me with their overwhelm, I say, tell me what's going on in your mind. Well, I have all this stuff to do. I have too much on my plate today. You listen to the language and you can see or hear that they're thinking about everything that needs to be done. They haven't broken it down. They haven't chunked it. They're not thinking of the present. They're not focused on one activity. They see all of it as one thing. It's like trying to eat the elephant in one bite. So this is a lack of strategies. This is a lack of knowing how to break things down into manageable pieces that don't overwhelm you. This is not thinking that reflects reality. This is all-or-nothing catastrophic thinking. So if you can break it down and simplify it, the overwhelm goes away. You can be more calm. You can learn to focus on a piece of it that you can manage and actually work with, as opposed to thinking you need to conceive of it all and deal with it all at one time.

Can you give us an example of that, like how to break it down?

Well, one way to break it down is in terms of— I want to say time pressure. Is something due before another thing is due? Then you'd go with the thing that's earliest first. I work with a lot of high school and college kids, and sometimes they will go with what's easiest first, what's going to take the least amount of brainpower, and they, they save the most difficult thing for last. Because in some lines of thinking, in the typical world, they— there's a concept called eat the frog. I don't know if you're familiar with that. Mark Twain has this famous quote, if you eat a live frog every morning, nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. And what he's basically saying is get the thing you hate out of the way first. Well, that's not quite good advice necessarily for neurodiverse folks, because if the thing you hate is the thing that challenges your executive functions the most, it could so mentally exhaust you, you don't have anything left. For everything else you have to do. So it might make more sense to save the frog till last and do the stuff that you rock at first, because that's going to be the easiest for you to do. Then save the frog till last. Then the first thing I started doing before my brain went off on a tangent like it often does is see which is due first. If there's a time sensitivity, do it that way. You can also organize things according to your values. One recommendation I make is figure out what your top 3 values are and organize things according to that, because you may have a lot of things on your list that are just busy. You don't have to do them, you just are used to doing them. And maybe you can delegate them, save them till later, or not do them at all. But if you make sure the things that are connected with your values, like values of giving, values of being compassionate, values of being kind, if you make sure those get attention first, you will truly finish your day feeling like you did things that mattered. Those are just some ideas off the top of my head.

I love that, Brian. I love hearing what you're saying because it totally validates some practices that, you know, I've used. You said that you work a lot with high school kids. I work with entrepreneurs and business leaders, and it's the exact same. You know, it is the exact same principles of what I call priming yourself for success. And one of my amazing, incredible clients is in the audience right now, and we were just talking about this on Friday. That, you know, if you can set your day up, and this is something that I use that's pretty much reiterating the exact same thing you're saying. I look at like your to-do list, right? So you have your to-do list and either highlight or maybe write the number 5 next to anything that's going to take you 5 minutes or less and follow the joy, you know, follow the joy of like, okay, this is going to take me 5 minutes to pay this bill. It's going to take me 5 minutes to reach out. onto that email and then setting yourself up, priming yourself to be in a successful place, AKA eating the frog first. So then you're operating, you're setting yourself up from that space of like, you know, succeeding already during the day, having already checked the boxes off. If you're a box checker like I am, you know, checking the boxes off on a couple tasks that are done right away. And that seems to really break down that overwhelm. And then also what you talked about, we use a little bit different language, but I just want to reaffirm what Brian is saying of, you know, I call it your personal contract, like who are you at the core of your being? This is one of the first things I usually look at with my clients because from that space of knowing what your value system is, what your standards are and who you are as a human being, not who the world thinks you should be, right? Right? The people pleasing, not from the space of showing up and being inauthentic, but who are you to your core? Because if you know what your values are, if you know that space that you're talking about, you know, what is your personal contract to yourself and to the world, then from that space, you can make decisions on priorities of your day. Like, does this fit in that space? Does this fit in my contract? Does this fit in my values?

Yeah.

Yeah. In my core values. And then honestly, your priorities, the tasks, the things you have to do become so much easier to look at those priorities like you're saying, like what's due first? What's the most important? What can I say yes to where I'm not ending up saying no to something else that's in my value system, like spending time with kids or your significant other or, you know, in meditation, prayer, yoga, whatever is important for you. You get to really just chunk down and look at your life in a more objective and value-based way.

Whenever you stop filtering things through trying to please the most number of people with what you're about to do, it's much easier to act. And one thing— well, first of all, I want to say we're so much on the same page as far as that stuff goes. It's very exciting. And one thing I talk about a lot with my people is the idea of peeling the onion, you know, identifying a piece of conditioning that's been thrust upon you throughout your life and learning to disown that, learning that it is not who you are. It is not a piece of who you are essential to your identity. Peeling it off and letting it go and getting closer to the core of who you are and being more and more human and knowing that you can show up With all of your wrinkles, all of your imperfections, and that will be enough. And being empowered by that. And one thing you pointed out about the 5 minutes and what you do with your clients really speaks to the topic that we're discussing because it indicates intention for how you're going to approach your day, that you intend to live in a certain way and show up in a certain way. That is proactivity, which is the opposite of reactivity. It demonstrates that, you know, you can take action and create a certain type of energy or outcome in your life. Beginning with that intention and having some action step that you can take to create that sets you on the path of being free of reactivity.

So good. I love it. Gosh, we are so aligned. This is This is awesome. I love that you're talking about, you know, you said proactivity instead of reactivity.

Mm-hmm.

Oh my gosh, that's amazing. Because I truly believe, you know, for anyone that's listening, if you are, you know, a parent, if you are an entrepreneur, if you are human, if you are ADHD, whatever you are, there is a co-creation sense where we literally get to invent we are through our intentions, through our standards, and through our proactivity, like Brian just said so beautifully, that we get to create that. Like the Val Nichols I am today is not the Val Nichols I was 10 years ago when I was in that reactivity and the constant fear all of the time, the black and white thinking, the extremes, the running away, the retreating isolation when I didn't feel good enough, when I felt Because you can never please people, that's the thing, you're never going to be able to do that, right? And so, you know, when I was in that constant state of like running and retreating, running and retreating, and that was my life, but you know, when you get in that proactivity of deciding that no, that's not who I choose to be today, instead I'm going to pick up this other set of standards and start working toward that, you know, progress, not perfection. It's such a beautiful space to be in when we get to create the person that we become and the person that we are.

And when you consider the fact that we are constantly in process, look at ourselves from just a biological standpoint. Metabolism is always happening. Our circulation is always happening. We're always breathing. So if you want to tell me at any point during Our systematic— the continuity of our systems. Where is the endpoint? Where's the destination? At what point is that system saying, okay, I've arrived? It doesn't happen. Our thinking is constantly going all the time, even when we're sleeping. It converts into dreams. Where's the destination? Those ideas of starting and stopping points are completely Subjective and imaginary. We are always in process. We're not arriving anytime, anywhere. We're always learning, always growing, always experimenting. And that's okay because we're here for growth. We're not here for stagnation. It's when we resist those things by trying to remain comfortable and safe all the time that we create our suffering. It's that resistance that creates the problem. But the more that you can be in this process and be curious and be proactive versus reactive, that's where all the magic is.

Oh my goodness, so good. I love this. I love how deep and raw and vulnerable you're going, um, because that's, that's my language, you know, like that's my language today. I did an Instagram Live yesterday where I was talking a lot about You know, this type of space where, yeah, like I've just gone through this very interesting— I call it like a pruning process, past couple, I don't know, month and a half, and a lot of things have come to surface, a lot of things about who I thought I was, you know, those cracks where we feel cracked open, but in those cracks, there's this exposure of my weaknesses, my strengths, weaknesses and strengths of other people and And how I choose to show up and operate from that space. And there's a lot of things in life, like today, in this moment right now, that I don't know how to do. I don't know what it's going to look like. And being in that space of curiosity— I love that you said that, the being curious about it. Like, you know, life is not happening to us, it's happening for us. And what lesson am I going to learn through this cracking open process? What light of God or light of love gets to come through in this cracking open process? And where do I get to grow? And you know, because it's just like a plant. A plant can't grow without sunlight. And sometimes I know for this human being, for me, I have to be cracked open in order to really feel, learn, and grow those lessons which I'm meant to learn and grow. Because otherwise, you know, we can just go throughout and just feel like things are. Okay, status quo. But really, if you're in the work of personal development and, you know, really in that space, like, it's when you're cracked open, when you hear conversations like this, and you look inside and you look at the depths of what that's teaching you and what that's resonating for you. There's so much growth there. So much growth.

Let me take your comment a step further. You said life happens to us. I like to think that life happens through us. If you think about the crack in the soil, let's say there was a seed in that crack, a seed of growth. The sunlight moves through the seed in order to help it germinate and grow. When rain enters the crack, it moves through the surface of the seed, through the seed into the soil. So in moving through the seed, it gives it what it needs to germinate. Also, when we eat food, it moves through our body, out of our body. And if we were still living, you know, like out in the jungle or whatever, what moves through us would become fertilizer for the soil to grow more plants. So life moves through us and it continues on. It doesn't get stuck there. So when you say it happens to As though we're given something and that's where the buck stops.

No.

Part of the process of the circle of life is energy keeps moving through and gets passed on. It doesn't stop with us. We are part of that continuum where we are energized with our strengths and the opportunities we're given to grow so that what we are given gets passed on. I hope that all makes sense so that that life continues through us, becomes better and strengthened to benefit whoever it touches. So that's why I like to think that life is not given to us, it's given through us.

That is so good. Thank you for that. Oh my goodness. Summer, do you have any comments, thoughts? And then we'll open it up to some Q&A.

Yeah, I think this is amazing conversation. I'm very aligned with How Val and Brian think as well. I have anxiety, and so I've been reading this book. Well, I've actually read it a couple times and listened to the audio. It's called Unwinding Anxiety, and it talks about our brains, and it talks about the 2 different brains that we have. And we have like the primitive brain, and that's what's trying to keep us safe. So when we're trying to go outside of our comfort zone and change something, it doesn't want us. to change. It wants us to stay, stay put there. And so that's why, like you were saying, that's why we get stuck. We get stuck in that space. But when we allow ourselves to feel what that feels like and like move through it and recognize what is keeping us held back and become really cognizant of those— he calls it the thought habit loop— then we are able to move forward, you know, and we can, we can live our lives Not from a place of fear. That's what really struck me, what you said, Brian, was pretty much what I tell people about parenting. Like, people are scared, so they're future-focused, and that's what gives them fear. And so they're standing in this place of fear that whatever decision they make, or they make decisions based off of what might happen instead of staying in the present. And I think that's very applicable for us as adults. ADHD as well. So yes, thank you, Brian. So amazing. So yeah, let's open it up to some, some comments or questions. PTR order is Mike first, I believe. Mike, are you around? Wow.

Yeah, I am. Thank you. I didn't realize I was that high on the chart. I was just listening. I was like, damn, I'm next. Holy cow. What I wanted to say, Um, what you were describing, Brian, was, um, it, it, it, it, it made me feel good to understand, to be reminded of my place in the universe relative to energy passing through me and moving forward, and how, you know, my, my life experience is temporary and that everything else keeps going on. I think that's an important thing to remember. Um, but one of the things I thought about— not a but— and one of the things I thought of About relative to that was this idea that we also have to be open to receiving what is going to help us grow. And for me, I'm 47, I wasn't open to it via self-awareness. I didn't have the self-awareness to understand what was necessary for me. And I've been thinking a lot about what creates self-awareness. I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore. She is kind of all my bad traits that I got mostly from her, and we don't get along. I understand, I have enough empathy to understand that she's very un-self-aware, only because I'm now self-aware and I wasn't before. And so I've been exploring this idea of what— how do we become self-aware? How do some people live their whole lives and never be self-aware and just become like train wrecks to the world around them? And how do other people Do that for a while and become self-aware. And I feel like I can't, I can't figure out a way to access this mostly without some kind of severe trauma. Not the trauma that caused the initial, uh, personality, uh, personality problems that, that create those types of individuals, but the trauma that they experience as a result of interacting with the world that way, to where like they're finally held accountable enough times by other people. It's the trauma of like, in my case, succeeding tremendously at everything I do and failing socially at the same time. And finally deciding that it's not everybody else's reason, everyone else is not responsible for my social failings. It's, there's something wrong there and I'm tired of being me. And I had to reach the point where I was tired of being me before I could even understand that it's not about me.

Okay, well, let's define who me is. Me is not Mike, okay? Me is this third party that lacks the knowledge and skills of how to be socially effective. So it's a matter of not fixing Mike or making Mike better. It's It's a matter of getting the skills and strategies to be more socially effective. Because the feedback we get from the world wants to personalize it, or our mind wants to personalize it, to think it's something that's wrong and defective about me. Well, what if we told every preschooler that? We're sending you to school because you are defective in that you don't know or have the skills yet that you need in order to be, you know, or to move on.

That's right.

Now, some kids get that message. Well, I don't know the answer to the teacher's question, so I'm stupid. And some classroom dynamics, unfortunately, send that message. I sure got that message in the classroom. I didn't know the answer when I was chosen. I often didn't raise my hand because my processing was too slow. Kids were often way ahead of me. I felt stupid.

I felt stupid.

Nobody was there to check in with me to help me interpret it a different way. So one recommendation, Mike, I have for you and anybody else who has this experience, if you've got trauma coming up through your growth process, don't try and do this all alone. There are people that know how to help you navigate that more safely. In fact, I've created my own process that I call the Brave Process to help walk people through that without having to relive their trauma in order to get through it. Because a lot of what I've been describing today, finding the middle ground where you experience calm and focus while you're going through these difficult processes, is really, really important. Because our nervous system has already experienced enough threats and interprets things as threatening. You don't need your experience of your emotions to feel even more threatening. You need to experience them as a peaceful, Curious kind of endeavor, and that's what I've created. So one thing that I recommend going into this, Mike, is explore these difficult feelings with curiosity, asking them, what do I know is true? Versus, what are these feelings trying to tell me? To believe about myself? Start with that question and maybe write out some of the things that come up for you. But I highly do recommend that if you're going to dive into finding out who you are, see if you can't get a little assistance. And I definitely want to hear from Val and Summer on this because I did some work on my own for, you know, deep meditation and mindfulness. But I also got some professional assistance. I had the advantage of the master's in social work, so I had some tools to allow me to do this, some of the work individually. But for somebody without this training, I wouldn't recommend that.

Yeah. Oh my gosh, Brian, absolutely what you're saying. I believe that 100%. I am a huge advocate and not just because I am a coach, And that I have a mentor, you know, I have people in my life that I check in with. But I'm a huge advocate of not going at it alone. Because like you said, especially, you know, because what I was diagnosed with was, gosh, I can't remember the exact term she used, but trauma-induced something something ADHD. So there's a lot of trauma that was there. And, you know, even for me to get the diagnosis, to be brave enough to use your word wording to even step step into that, or to be brave enough to even start my own business, or, you know, stand up and be, um, to speak on a stage, you know, all those things. First, I had to— I got to— I chose to partner with somebody who literally at times was holding me up, standing shoulder to shoulder with me, walking through it and saying, it's okay. You're safe and you can look at this. We can look at this together. It's, you know, it's not— and I like what you talked about too, Brian, your method, your modality of that, of, you know, we don't have to go into these deep dark places and remember all the trauma. Like I don't remember a lot of the trauma, but I've used therapy, I've used counseling, I've used, you know, a lot of different things throughout my life because like you said with the onion, you know, more will be revealed. One of the hardest parts that came up for me was about 5 years ago. I literally found myself, you know, super successful, making $120,000 a year in a corporate job, you know, top of my game, the top salesperson in my company with everything on paper that looks good, but I was crying myself to sleep wondering what the hell is wrong with me and at that point I got to dive into some EMDR and just walking through some of that trauma that came up and And what I realized is that, you know, it doesn't matter what happens, right? We all have our things and you guys, I'm not— I don't often give trigger warnings because I believe that my audience is strong enough to handle whatever comes up in conversation. So just a fair warning, I don't give trigger warnings a lot, but you know, there was a lot of like abuse that went on when I was a kid, sexual abuse, things that I don't remember specifically in detail, But I don't have to remember to know that that trauma, that experience, that feeling is very real for me and it's shown up in different areas in my adulthood and having someone to partner with you who knows what they're doing, because honestly you guys, it's a very dangerous territory to go by yourself because you need someone who's mentally strong, who has that mental toughness. To be able to look at it without having an emotional response. You know, someone in our life like a friend or yourself, you're too close to the problem to be able to look at it objectively. So having someone who can speak into you from a non-objective place, who isn't emotionally wrapped up in the story is so powerful. So yes, I'm a huge advocate for that. And, you know, knowing that Gosh, there's so much strength on the other side when you do walk through that.

Meaning, one thing I forgot to—

Summer, what you said is exactly what I felt like. I need it. What was the therapy you went through?

Oh, it's called EMDR. I don't know if that's something you do, Brian, or—

I don't know what it is, but what is EMDR?

It's the eyes.

Yeah, it's like an eye movement. For me, it was the one thing— I've tried lots and lots of different things. For me, EMDR was very effective for some of the past child abuse that was coming up, you know, some of the things that were coming up for me. Very effective. I know there's a couple different modalities, but that was my effective tool that I got to use.

Yeah, there are a lot of different modalities for uncovering trauma. One thing I forgot to mention about my story is I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of testicular cancer right outta high school. It was a humiliating experience. Losing the testicle, the way my family dealt with it. My family was very dysfunctional. My father was very emotionally abusive. Turns out he had undiagnosed Asperger's and dyslexia. My mom undiagnosed ADHD. Very chaotic household emotionally. My father loved telling humiliating and dirty jokes targeted towards me.

Oh my God.

Uh, he liked seeing me become upset, and then he would minimize it by, you know, saying I was a wuss or whatever for not being able to take a joke. And that was most of my life. So learning to build myself up from a place of humiliation is, I think, a lot of what's informed my compassion and my ability to gain insight on how do you withstand people rejecting and being harsh to you and still being able to be peaceful about it. Because I've had to learn how to have grace in those moments, you know. And I've been working on it for 30 years, and hopefully you're seeing some of this come across. But yeah, I've, I've eaten some very serious dirt and learned how to be resilient in the face of those things. And one more thing to add in your situation, Mike, and, and to Val's point, trauma isn't something that is necessarily tapped into because you remember the event. What typically is the case is your body remembers the feeling, remembers the sensations, the assault. So the triggers that occur are something in your environment that reminds you of that Feeling. So when you start having a panic attack or you feel a pain or a tension somewhere in your body and you don't know what that's about, it's because you were reminded of what that trauma felt like. So my recommendation to you, Mike, is think about what feels threatening to you now. So if things are happening in your social world where maybe you're resisting something, or you tend to say things impulsively, where you come across as blunt or defensive, or you tend to say jokes that are off-color that upset people. See if you can reflect and ask yourself, why that? Why is that how I decided to show up? Why did I decide to show up that way? And see if you can get some insight into those things And that may give you some sense of what threat am I detecting here and what might that be pointing to as far as where I'm hurting.

That's very helpful. Thank you.

You're welcome.

And if I can just, before we move on to the beautiful Belinda, if I can just make like just a couple of comments on what you said. So, um, I know, and I guess a trigger warning, I don't know what triggers Paper butt. Um, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I always like to wait a second, but, um, yeah. So you said your body remembers the trigger or the sensation and not necessarily the situation or like the trauma that happened. Um, and although that makes sense, I had never, um, I've never actually heard it put just like that to where it, um, resonates with me, Brian. So. That's actually really helpful. I know a lot of the abuse that took place that my brother like would stand in for me to kind of protect me. But there are times when like I blank out, you know, I mean, I understand that process. I know why it happens. But I know that the reason why I don't remember a lot of that, because it's traumatic and I kind of, you know, stepped back from it or disassociated from it. But I think it's so interesting because so many things affect me and I, I do have some, there are triggers. I don't, I can't specifically, I don't specifically know what they are, but there are triggers. And then my mind goes down that path. Anyways, I just want—

I'm not really sure.

I don't really have a question, but my thoughts are just coming out with that. Go ahead. Yes.

Can I say, anybody who has experienced any kind of physical trauma, whether it be bullying, sexual abuse, one thought that I learned from one of my mentors that I want to extend to you, and this can be a powerful contemplation. When you think about the fact that your cells, every single cell in your body, is committed to flushing out toxins every single day, all day long, and replacing it with fresh, healthy, cleansing nutrients, and your cells are constantly dying off and being replaced with brand new healthy cells every single day. There is a strong likelihood that the body you have now is not the same body that was traumatized or that was victimized or that was injured. So you right now were never touched by the person that did the hurting. So that is something to think about.

Yeah. So does that mean that we don't have the triggers?

That means the triggers are coming from something you are preoccupied with from the past, not something that there are actually any traces for in your present body. Meaning any thought you have about, I'm wounded, I'm imperfect, I'm broken, I'm not good enough are all thoughts about a body that no longer exists.

Hey, Brian.

Right, because our thoughts have stayed with us, but then we haven't necessarily— our thoughts have stayed, but our bodies have changed.

Yeah, that body is gone.

Because before we're 7, our perceptions, you know, is when, you know, they're formed. So I'm just wondering, like, out loud, like, in my mind, if that's That's where that comes from, that that thought is still there, but the physical part of it, maybe the sensation isn't there, but the thought is.

Well, the memory is there. The neuro-emotional memory is stuck in your brain. It doesn't— I mean, your body may have recycled, but your brain literally doesn't know that it has a new body. It's still reliving it over and over again every time the situation arises that mimics the Yeah, I wanted to add something if that's okay.

Oh yeah, go right ahead.

Hey guys, this is Rachel. Yeah, so in that moment that just like Mike was saying, the body is releasing it but it is still stored in cellular memory. If you've seen the movie Inside Out, it's a Disney movie, it's incredible at depicting the way that we store memory in some of the cells Of our body. So when that's happening, there's a physical sensation that's going on, and then that gets stored in the body. So in the moment when you get this trigger, there's like a few steps that I can just add. There's an awareness of it. So first, like disconnecting and disassociating from the trigger because you're not that trigger. You're just aware of that trigger that's occurring. So that's one, is that first awareness. And then 2 is breathing. So just taking a breath and getting out of that, you know, that cortisol release and that minute of like panic because you're going into that repeated pattern and cycle. And then there's also positive affirmations that you can say. So you can say, you know, I am healing or I am not this memory, like whatever positive affirmation or just, you know, statement that's going to work for you. Usually I am statements are good. But after you have that positive affirmation, than breathing. And, when you're doing breathwork and you can breathe where— and there's muscle testing that you can do as well, that's a whole different thing, but just a lot of breathwork, that's creating new cycles in your brain. And, when you're breathing hard to the point where you're getting dizzy, you're releasing DMT. And, when that happens, you're creating new neural pathways in your brain.

Wow.

So, they say that neurons that fire together wire together. And so, there's times where I feel triggered, I'll literally pull my car over, I'll take my fists and I'll start tapping on my sternum and doing deep breathwork and just imagining or pretending that I'm being washed by this beautiful body of water. And, I'll say a positive affirmation and that breathwork is going to change that mental brainwave state. It has to because we're pumping oxygen into our bodies and we're getting out of that mindset. And, it makes you so present in the body.

Yeah.

Because when we're thinking these things in our heads of, oh, we're so triggered, or, oh, this is happening, or, oh my God, it's like that intense— it's an intense feeling. It's shocking to the body and it's reminding us of that trigger. So, breathwork is an incredible tool of getting out of the head and back into the heart and the body. So, I just wanted to add that in and I really hope that that was helpful. This is Rachel and I'm completely—

Rachel, that was beautiful. What you just described is a moment in which a part of your nervous system reacted to something, which is an old conditioned response to something traumatic. And that's what it is. Consider it a program on your Windows computer. When that trigger occurs, it's like you're clicking on that icon, the program opens and starts running. Including all of those stress hormones, like, okay, this is what we're doing now. All right, I remember what we did last time. We released cortisol and adrenaline and all this other stuff. And you step in with another program that buffers this and tries to close that program down because you don't want to do it anymore. You interrupt that pattern with something far more calming to start doing more of what you want. So That was an excellent example, Rachel. Thank you very much for that.

Of course. Thank you for having me. And this is such an incredible topic. I've been there, done that with ADD, ADHD. So I'm happy to serve you guys here today.

Oh shoot, Belinda left. Thank you so much, Rachel. I love your feedback. I actually, that was really helpful. It's something that I'm actually, and have been working on and learning a lot about lately. Dang it. I was just going to get to her. So we'll have to mess— oh, Belinda, if you can come back, I want you back up here because you're next. Okay, sorry. We love you though. So if we can just reset the room just a little bit, it's actually, it's actually time to end, but we'll— let's go to Belinda. If you can come back, we'd love to have you back up, but we can move on to— oh, there you are. Yay. Hello, beautiful friend Belinda. How are you? I'm good.

Hi, I'm okay. I'm just so happy. I'm just beyond thrilled, Brian.

I actually backchanneled you as you started speaking when I was looking at your profile because so my son has ADHD, ASD, and GAD, and I have yet to be diagnosed, but ADHD and multiple chronic illnesses like comorbidities.

So I find everything you're saying so fascinating. My husband is Neurotypical, so it's it's I'm not gonna lie not say it's a struggle because we have different parenting ideas and skills. But opposites attract, you know, and we've been together twenty years, so I mean that speaks volumes. But no, I just wanted I'm just like as you can see flabbergasted by your presence here today, and I just it's shower Val and Summer with diamonds.

bringing you here today.

I personally worked as a victim advocate with multiple victims of different types of abuse prior to having my son. So I really— I don't know, I just came up to just say this is wonderful, and I wanted to say thank you more than anything. And it just feels so nice to hear a gentleman, first of all, as speak, um, you know, because you can be my son. Your children can be my son.

Um, and I, I'm just really just want to say thank you and welcome, and I'm following you, and I look forward to hearing more from you. This is Belinda.

I'm complete. Thank you.

Thank you. I very much appreciate it.

Brian is amazing, and I don't know why Val keeps getting kicked out. This happened in another room, so she'll be back in just a sec. It's just she keeps going in and out. But yes, Belinda, thank you so much for being here. I literally love you. We have A lot of the same story. Our husbands are both very neurotypical. We've both been married for— I've been married for 21, almost 22 years, and it is like, it can be a struggle, our parenting. But we make it. I don't even know if make it, like we communicate. Sometimes things are hard and sometimes things are different than what they normally might be. But, you know, we all have our normal, but You know, I, I love listening to, you know, the things that Brian has had to say because it is so applicable in so many different aspects of our lives, you know, and I've seen this theme and I've talked about it before, just that, like, even if you're ADHD as an adult or as a child or as a caretaker or as a partner, it all is so applicable when we are, you know, circling back around to to what it means to exist and be, um, and to be able to figure out, like, going back, like, speaking to all the points Brian's making and the whole, the whole topic of the room is being less reactive and more calm, finding that peace, finding that space where you can be. So I love, I love the conversation that's happening. So thank you all so much for being here. Hi, Diane, how are you, my friend?

Hello, I'm good, I'm good. So I'm excited with this conversation so much. Someone had mentioned EMDR, and if you take that and you add a smell like a lemon, or there's a particular blend of essential oils that really helps expedite the whole thing, and then you take the memory in your mind and where he lands in your body, that's like a quick fix I've learned where you could move through some of these emotions that stay stuck in your memory. So it's just so exciting to hear you guys talking about it and just wanted to throw out a quick fix and happy to answer any questions if you need more information about it. But yeah, you guys are great, creating a great conversation and it's going to help so many people. Thank you.

Yes, thank you so much. Appreciate that. Um, hi Cassandra, how are you?

Hey gang, I'm doing good. I'm coming in okay. Just wanted to thanks for the thoughts. You know, Rachel really kind of hit upon something I was going to share. And I think, you know, when it comes to ADHD, it really, I mean, it all really comes back to self-awareness, right? It's creating that gap in between the trigger or the emotional reaction within the body. And, you know, much like Brian, you know, great wisdom here. what you were sharing is every cell in the body really wants to recalibrate and protect itself. So just talking about frequency a little bit, I've done a lot of work in this realm where when a trauma happens, there's actually a glitch in the system and it kind of goes from a trauma, meaning T7 to a T12. And what happens is it completely goes off the radar and it gets locked in the emotional frequency of the body. So, it's not really physically stored in the body, but it's in the cellular resonance. So, when everybody talks about raise your vibration and all of that, I mean, there's a real physical reality that we resonate at this 75 hertz. And so, when we can bring that emotional clarity into being present in the moment and focusing on joy and gratitude, you literally raise that vibration. And when we're in this disconnectedness or we're in lack or judgment or separation, one thing that I found for myself within the ADHD community and doing all of the research and reading is that when I read about what we take on, I actually start to take on that identity. The judgment between, well, I'm not a neurotypical, but I'm neurodiverse. It's It's like I'm creating this identity based on what I'm reading and I'm soaking that identity in. So I'm really learning how to, as I continue to go down this road and start to separate that identity of neurodiversity and ADHD, is to really look at that vibrational wellness around who do I choose to become today and what do I want to do to bring that about tomorrow and create my own destiny? So to sum it up, self-awareness, shifting out of that alignment and really stepping into that vital energy of appreciation, because any kind of that depletion is what's going to bring on the inflammation, lower our immune system, and eventually dis-ease. So just a couple of my thoughts. I'm all about the vibes. With that said, I'm complete. Thanks.

Thank you so much, Cassandra. That was great. That's so— it's so interesting to hear all the different viewpoints on, you know, the body aspect. And so ironic because I was reading that, that Unwinding Anxiety book, and it was literally like its whole thing is focusing on what's happening in your body and awareness, curiosity, all things that Brian's been talking about. So our room is coming to a close. Thank you everybody for being here. Brian, would you like to leave us with some last words? I would love to hear from you.

Absolutely. I want to piggyback on what Cassandra was saying. Ever since I've prioritized, you know, physical health and, you know, better self-care, better nutrition, more water, my physical condition and the pain caused by it has actually decreased. And I feel some improvements in my anxiety just by being kinder to my body. And as far as the identity piece, I'd like to think of neurodiversity as an experience I'm having, not as something I am. am, because our experiences come and go. I could say I'm a happy person, but I'm not happy all the time. I experience other emotions. So why would I want to say that one experience defines my entire experience? The human experience, the human condition, is what best describes what's going on here, and neurodivergence is part of that. It doesn't It doesn't explain it all, but it explains an area in which I'm having some difficulty. So I can say to somebody, I'm experiencing a form of neurodivergence called ADHD, and I need some knowledge and strategies in that area to help me be more effective. Pardon the doorbell. So can I please have some support in that area? And by depersonalizing it, It has nothing to do with my self-worth, but it has everything to do with my growth potential. And that's where I want to leave it.

Oh, that's so, so good. Oh, maybe I'll try and clip that last 30 seconds. So thank you so much for being here, Brian. That is so— that is so good. The golden nuggets That you have dropped. I have so enjoyed kind of exploring and getting curious with some of those things that you brought out today that were so helpful for me. And I think as we, we close, I want everyone to, to think about what serves you, because sometimes it could be a little overwhelming, like all of the things, but just think about and pick one thing that serves you and, and then go with that. So yeah, if you guys haven't signed up yet, um, go ahead and sign up for, um, the Rise event. It's amazing. It's been going so good. We have 40+ speakers and we have 2 a day at 9:30 and 1:30. And this is our ADHD Rise Summit. So if you go to my Instagram profile or, um, or Val's Instagram profile, uh, you can go ahead and do that and you will get signed up and get access to the replays on the Facebook page. I'm Summer Christensen. Hi, I'm Summer Christensen. and I'm an ADHD life coach. And so what I've been doing for the summit is I'm offering 4 weeks of coaching at a super discounted rate. So I'm super excited to do that because I love getting to know people and where they are. And I'm doing this so that I can serve the people that are coming here and kind of get to know them and understand what it is there, there that's going on with them and trying to help them and to move forward. So if you go to my website, it's livelifeclearly.com/adhdsummit, then you will find that and you will be able to have that right in front of you. So it's super exciting. I'm loving all of the energy that is happening in all of the rooms and we're learning So much, and this is good stuff. So if you wanna sign up for the Facebook group too, just go to either of our profiles on Instagram and you will have access to those. Super excited, loving this summit, loved having you today, Brian. So amazing, so many golden nuggets that you guys can choose from. So don't feel overwhelmed, but just take one idea and one idea that resonated with you and that you think will serve you in your life and take it and go with it. Thank you everyone for being here. Being here. We will see you at 1:30, and we will have— oh, I don't know if I can remember her name off the top of my head. But if you go to the ADHD Parenting Club, the club that you're in, make sure you're following it. You'll see that at 1:30 today, our next speaker for the summit is Pamela Crane, and she is speaking on imposter syndrome. And don't we all know imposter syndrome? Oh my gosh, I feel it every day of my freaking life. So yes, come join us at 1:30 Pacific time. And yeah, we'll see you there. Thanks so much, Brian, for coming here and sharing all your wonderful knowledge. We really appreciate it.

Been a pleasure.

Okay. Bye-bye, everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, Brian, I think that she left without closing the room. Since you're a mod, you can click on those 3 dots and end the room.