Shed Your Sh*t & Shine - Dr. Martha Nessler - Business Summit Hosted By Val Nichols - HOPE 2021

Hey guys, welcome to day 8 of the 2021 Hope Business Summit, and today you are in for such a treat. For those of you who were on yesterday, we completely crashed, but you know what, everything happens for a reason. So I know today is going to be magical, it's going to be amazing, it's going to be incredible. And let me share with you guys that today we have a guest that is so resilient, so powerful, and such a great example for anyone who has or currently is going through some shit in their life. So I want to introduce a very special friend of mine, a past client, a wonderful, amazing woman, Miss Dr. Ness— I'm sorry, Martha Nestler. I tongue-tied my words there.

It's okay.

So Martha, can you share with us? I know that you have such a powerful story to share with everybody. And, you know, just share a little bit about you. And also, you know, like, you've had a crazy 2020, so we will definitely get into that as well. So can you share a little bit about you and tell us about what you do?

Yeah. So if we want to talk about being stuck in our stories or our past, I lost my mom at 2 years old to a rare cancer, and I kind of automatically assumed the role of girl who lost her mother. And not just girl who lost her mother, but I took it a step farther, a girl who would then die of cancer like her mother. So, my mom died at 29. So, I kind of made this my story. You know, I look back and I think about telling my boyfriend at the age of 21. He said, do you want to get married? I said, oh, I am not going to live past 29. That is how much I owned my story, Val. So, he pulls the car over and he is like, are you dying? I said, well, I am going to die of cancer like my mom. I can remember that moment because that was my story and I lived in it and I owned it. And I look at my health back then, you know, I started on drugs for acid reflux at 8 years old. Wow. And up until 22 years old, when I realized what my story could be, I was on antacids, multiple antacids, prescription, over-the-counter. And I love telling my story because here's the thing, we've all had shit happen, right? And that's why my tagline is shed your shit and shine, because we've all had shit happen. There is different levels and different variances, we have all had it happen. And for me, mine was losing my mom. It was the way that my relationship with my stepmom was intertwined in that. And, you know, then getting sick. So, I kept finding these validations, right? I kept finding these reasons that I would have this shorter lifespan, that life for me wasn't what it was for others. And what I love about helping people to shed their shit and shine is this. Is it doesn't have to be this aha moment, right? So for me, it wasn't like one day I woke up and I was like, wait, hey, you're a story. I want you to get out of here, story, because I'm going to live my truth. It was these little what I call lightning bug moments. So, you know, lightning bugs, I love waiting for them to light up in the sky, and for that second, their little butt lights up, right? And you just see them, and it's that like little glimmer. So we have those moments. Right? And it is whether or not you will see the lightning bug. It is whether or not you choose to see those little moments, right? So, for me, it was at 22, finding out how the human body worked. You know, it was at 27, learning about letting go of grief and acknowledging grief in my life, and at 29. So, yeah, for me, I just love helping people to acknowledge their story, right?

Yeah.

And then helping them to shed it, because I believe that our story is either something that holds us back or something that catapults us forward, right? And my story at one time was something that held me back, right? And I like to say that your story can be shit.

Mm-hmm.

And shit stinks, and it's, you know, it's fertilizer, right? So it stinks and it's gross, and we want to push it out of the way and hide it. But it is fertilizer, and if we choose to use it in a different way, it really serves us. And when we fertilize ourselves with our story, we actually grow. So we've got these kind of two options, and having done both— I've been anchored to my shit, stuck, and I've used my shit to fertilize my own growth. Um, so yeah, this is probably my favorite topic to talk about because, um, I've been there and I've done it. And probably what connects us is we've both had our shit and we've both used it to serve us. So Yeah, I love talking about it.

That is so incredibly powerful because, you know, I am in complete agreeance with you that, you know, I do believe our story, it is so easy to take on the identity of that. You know, you said that you became the girl who lost her mom and then you created an identity of that, like, that is who I am. And, you know, for myself too, as well, and I am sure that there are people that are watching this right now that are saying, yeah, you know, maybe I have taken on that identity. I might not even be aware of it. But in that story, we then like, like our mind is always looking for to be right, right? So then we're looking at reasons to prove that that's true.

Mm-hmm.

Story 2, you said that you saw reasons like to justify that, to reaffirm that in you, and then feeling like you weren't going to live past 29. That's interesting because I had that same thought. I didn't think I was going to live past 21. I didn't know. I honestly did not see my future. You know, I didn't see me being here.

Yeah. So I think we self-sabotage then. Like, we actually make it come true. Like, um, my biggest thought that I want to tell people right this moment is the opposite is also true. So it's like when you're in that state of I won't live past 21 or I won't live past 29, um, you keep validating it. See, oh look, I have— I'm on stomach medicine. My mom had stomach cancer. Oh see, look, this This is happening. I won't live. But at that same time that you are believing that, the opposite is also true. We have just programmed our mind for the truth we want to believe. We have programmed our mind for the truth we see, but we are not allowing the other truth or what is the real truth to surface, right? We are not allowing that to happen. So, we are creating our own destiny, so to speak.

Yes. Oh, my gosh, I totally agree with that. You know, to add to that, I think that because we are always wanting to be right, like I see this all the time, and I'm sure you see this too with powerful women, with entrepreneurs, we can get caught up in that story. And then we want to prove ourselves right by being like, see, I told you I'm never going to— I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life because there's another guy that rejected me, when we're like attracting that to us because of the mindset. And I'm curious to know if we could like press a little bit deeper into that. Because I don't think anybody who's watching this right now would say, would fault you if you were that girl who lost her mom. That's tragic. And I don't think anyone would fault you to just like let that happen. And that could be your story for the rest of life. So how did you get through that?

So I'm never going to not be the girl that lost her mom. I guess it's about that repackaging and repurposing of the story. So I love that analogy that I kind of mentioned for a second of anchors, but then there's also roots. So people will always say to me, but they're the same, and they're not. Okay? Because an anchor is a big cast iron anchor you throw down from a ship and it goes boof. Right? And the only way to get that anchor up is for you to reel it up. Otherwise, your boat's not moving. Right?

Mm-hmm.

And that's an intentional action. You intentionally put that anchor down.

Yeah.

Now roots, they grow from you. They're an extension of you. They anchor you into the ground. They do anchor you, but they're not the kind of anchor that's been cast iron that you throw down. They're a part of you. And so I went from that story that was an anchor, you know, this is who I am. I'm the girl who lost her mom. I'm sad. I'm angry. God took my mom. This is what was done to me. To looking at it and repurposing it. This is what was done, and this is a part of who I am. And it is almost, and people really have a hard time with this, especially if they have lost their mom, but this was done for me. And I know that sounds different, but that was my shift in seeing it as a gratitude. I saw the loss of my mom as something that was a blessing in my life, and that was a cognitive choice. I had to make the choice. This is not a curse, but this is a blessing. And I had to look at other people around me who had amazing moms, because from what I know, my mom would have been an amazing mom. And maybe they didn't have the tenacity or the independence I had. Maybe they didn't have the freedom I had, right? Maybe their mom was around them like a helicopter. My mom probably would have been a helicopter mom, like around me all the time. So all those characteristics that made me who I am, that allowed me to create businesses, allowed me to inspire others to set themselves free, allowed me to move to New Zealand for 8 years, allowed me to really put myself out there. Those came from that little girl who grew up without a mom, right? And that bizarre relationship with my stepmother that also allowed me to grow into the woman I am. So I had to repurpose my story. I had to not be the girl who was a victim, but the girl who was blessed. That was a choice, Val, and I do believe we all have that choice. I don't believe you are right or wrong what choice you decide to make, OK? Because the beauty of life is you get to choose. But I just made the choice to live on the lighter side of my life rather than on the darker side of my life.

I love what you said there, and there are 2 points I want to kind of push into and pull on that thread. You said freedom, which is a huge word, right? You said there is freedom in that when you pull up the anchor, and I truly believe, you know, because this has been my experience too, that, you know, having the courage to actually face the reality of it, you know, and I know that there's— it takes a lot of courage to be able to do that, to pull up that anchor, unanchor, and really look at that and then come to a place of acceptance. And there is so much freedom when you get to unanchor and set sail not into what has happened or what is has been done, but into this brand new future, right? Like, was that your experience? Because like, when you unanchor, it's almost like then you're free and you get to move and navigate and you have that power of choice to decide what the rest of your life looks like.

Yeah. Well, it was the act of the freedom, but it was the fact that I also set myself free. I think that was really important for me to say right now because we have that choice. And I had myself in this box. No one put me in there, even though they would say something and I would use it as a validation. I created the space that was tiny that I lived in.

Wow.

Um, and then on the other side of it, when I decided to set myself free, that was— it was empowering knowing that I did it myself, right? And I, I feel called to say this, if you're listening to this right now, And you know this to be true, and I don't know about this for you, Val. When I lived in my cage, there'd be people who tell you, I don't know that about Martha. Because I was a good pretender. I was good at overcompensating. I was good at smiling, even though I was in my own prison, right? So if that's you, also know that that is still a prison if people don't know about your prison, right? But when I finally said enough is enough and I made the choice to do something different, right? And that choice set me free. Yeah, totally. Freedom is the biggest word, being able to breathe and this new sense of empowerment because no one else did that for me. No one else did that for me. Now, was God involved? Absolutely. But we all know when we put ourselves in prison, God is not in control because he is like, I never put you there in the first place. And you are like, yes, you did. So, yeah, this was all a like self-contained experience that I made the choice and I chose to step into my power and step out of it and to live a free life.

Yes. Oh my gosh. When you talked about that, like absolutely 100%, you know, with that prison, that hiding, you know, I often describe what my experience was, which it sounds like is your experience too, was that, you know, I got in trouble because of my drinking. Like I was very much running away from and avoiding pulling up that anchor because, and I know someone who's listening to this needs to hear this.

Totally.

Pulling up that anchor was so freaking scary that instead of stopping my boat and pulling up the anchor, I was pouring alcohol on top of that, trying to drown it, make it deeper so no one would know it was there. So I had this really successful corporate life and I even lived in like the gated community, had the right car, had the right, you know, titles. was hiding. And then inside, I felt like I was dying to the point that even when I finally hit my rock bottom, right, and I ended up getting sober, I ended up coming clean to the guy I was dating at the time. And he had no idea I drank. He's like, you don't even drink, because I was hiding it.

Yep.

And, you know, I was gonna say, just for that, the person who's watching, who's feeling that, like, I get it, like, I live that double life. What would you say?

Well, it's like every palace, right? If you think of all the palaces, there's a prison underneath, right? And so if you're living in that prison and you know it to be your truth, you have to say to yourself, how long do I want to stay here, right? How long do I want to live my own lie? Because the thing is, like your boyfriend at the time, other people don't know it's a lie. They don't know that you are living this. I eventually just said to myself, how bad does it have to hurt and how much pain do I want to be in until I do the work? I am not going to tell you the work was easy. I am not going to tell you the work was easy. I still think I am a work in progress because I think that there is no way, like I said, I will always be rooted in that little girl who lost her mom, who had that tumultuous relationship with her stepmom, who, right? Then all these layers built up like this big onion, right? So, I always say like I am this onion peeling back all these layers, but it's an intentional choice. So if you're listening and you're hearing this and you're going, yeah, that's me, I'm anchored to my shit, I'm stuck in a prison, people think I'm like a princess in a palace or a king on a throne, we get you. But just what's— what sounds better to you, to live in your own truth or to live a false truth?

Yeah.

And that's really what you have to ask yourself. Who at the end of the day, you know, for at the end of the day, I want to put my head on the the pillow. One of my grandparents used to say to me, baby girl, when you put your head on the pillow, are you happy? Are you content? Do you know you did right by the world? Did you live in your truth and did you make God happy? I want to say that every night and I wasn't doing that. So, you have to ask yourself that and probably at the end of the night, are you really living your truth? Are you really happy? Are you living your full purpose? If not, make a shift. One thing, you know. I tell my Clients, it's one thing. It's if you always pull out of your house and go right, pull out of your house and go left and figure out how to get there, right? If you always have a chocolate shake in the morning, don't. Eat a banana. Don't eat breakfast. You know, like if you always have coffee, drink water. Like do something to shake it up because the minute that you shake it up, you'll wake it up, right? And you'll wake up that little bit of your soul that's dying to come out, that's dying to speak. And that, that little spark. Can set ablaze a fire in an instance, but you've got to be the one to do it. You have— no one's going to do it for you.

Boom! Everyone go back and watch that again and again and again. Hear that, to shake it up— or no, to wake it up, shake it up, try something different, right? That's all— that is so true. And, you know, I know something else I want to like just kind of pull on for a second and really press into is that you said, um, yes, I have freedom in this moment. You've done a lot of work in your life. And the symptoms, the things that the story can still resurface. So I want people to hear that, that you can have freedom, you can be teaching, you can be using your passion and your story to go out there and make money. And you can still be working on it. You don't have to wait till it's all perfect.

No. Listen, just before this, I was telling Val, like, I just had a baby girl. And I don't know because of my story, Will I be a good mom? I'm telling, I'm telling Val, will I be a good girl mom? You know, when I found out I was having a girl, will I be? And that is because that is that little bit of my onion is still— I still got to keep working on that. But I can either say, oh look, I'm failing, or go, oh wow, I really need to work on that. Because it's, you know, it's because here's the thing. In an instant, your story or this, this, you know, anti-superpower, right, this anti-superpower can take control. So you have to maintain your own superpower and maintain control. And like, when you hear that voice, it's like, no, I hear you, but I don't acknowledge that as truth. That's not my truth. Maybe it was your truth, but my truth is I'm an awesome girl mom. And, you know, I say that to her. I'm like, I'm an awesome girl mom. I'm the best girl mom in the whole world. I'm holding her and telling her because I need to hear it and she needs to know it, right? Because if I don't believe it, she feels that. So, I have got to now do this for 2 people. So, I have got to shed that story for not just 1 person, but 2 people.

Oh my gosh, and wow, I really want to talk about that for a second because I know based on my experience of, I am not a mom, however, I work with moms and there is such a, if we can be real raw and vulnerable for a minute, such a guilt around that. Like, I hear women all the time say, I don't want to pass this on, the anchor that I have. I don't want to pass the shit and the anchor to my kids. That's huge.

Okay, so I was just having this conversation with a mom that I coach, and, um, I was saying to her, what I feel like you're trying to do is heal yourself through your daughter.

Boom.

You said, excuse me? I said, I feel like you're using your daughter to heal yourself and your daughter is not gonna heal you, right?

Mm-hmm.

So my daughter is not here to heal me. She's here for me to guide and to love. I'm here to heal myself. So I think that's really important that we wrap our heads around this, that you have to do the work, especially if you're gonna be leading other people. If you're gonna be leading, I don't care if it's your baby, a tribe, other women, your partner, your husband, your wife, whatever. If you're gonna be leading them, you have to work on yourself because otherwise you use every relationship in your life as a bandaid, as a pill, as a way to heal yourself, but that's not fair to them.

Mm-hmm.

Okay? That's when you start taking from other people, and that is not fair. So I constantly work on myself, and I'm glad I have because I can quickly acknowledge when I'm feeding myself a lie, when I'm anchoring myself, because I don't wanna pass that on.

Mm-hmm.

I want her to have her own joy and her own experiences. And you know, I don't say things to my daughter like what I forget what my client said. But you know, I say things where I'm like, you would have loved your grandma. She was a beautiful woman. She died quite young, but we both have so much of her in us. Those are the lines I use with her, right? Where one of my friends kind of says things like, and hers her mom didn't die, but she doesn't have a relationship with her mom. She's like, you know, I never had a relationship with my mom, so you and I are going to have the best. relationship.

Wow.

I said, you can't do that, right? You can't do that. And I'm saying that to you guys because you have a choice here too. This is another choice to say, I'm going to heal myself for my relationships, for my future generations, for my business, and the future of the planet. Um, I always say, heal your shit, then go heal the world. Don't heal the world to heal your shit. That does not happen that way, right? So heal yourself, and then you break the cycle so that you can heal the world, and not the other way around. You're not out there saving the world as a martyr. Tony Robbins is out there because he healed himself, and now he wants to heal the world. He's not using his ability to heal the world to heal himself. So ask yourself, is my gift I'm giving the world— is it for me to heal the world and give back to the world, or am I asking the world to heal me? And that's your answer.

Oh my gosh, that is a huge mic drop right there. And you know, that reminds me of a time not very long ago, I think it was like 8, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, I had this idea, right? I was gonna go be a social worker and I was gonna work in this, um, it's the Union Gospel Mission, kind of like one of those type of houses. And so I went and I was in there for 2 weeks kind of interning, working with the girls, doing all that, you know, working with women coming off the streets of prostitution, alcoholism, alcoholism, drugs. And I remember someone suggested that I sit down with this guy that runs the— it's called the Shepherd House here in Central Oregon. And I sat down with him and he sat across the table from me. We were drinking coffee. His name is Cash Lowe. He's an amazing man. And he said, Val, I want to ask you a question. And I was like leaning in and I said, yeah, anything. You know, I'm just picking his brain. And he said, what is it in yourself that you're trying to heal through doing this work? And that shook me up so much. And I realized in that moment there was a lot more work for me to do because I was trying to heal myself vicariously through those girls. And I want someone to hear that, that we can't give something we don't have, right? So doing the work, the inner work, no matter what you're doing, if you're a coach, a healer, or whatever it is, like, you've got to do the work.

And you have to get someone to support you through the work, right?

Yeah.

Because I think what we believe is like, oh, calling your friend who— she talks you through it and tells you, oh, you know, in the line of work I do, I'm not going to sit around and go, oh, you poor thing, Val. I'm so sorry that you were in rehab. I'm so sorry. Oh my God, look at how cute you were trying to save those girls. It's not how you do it. You've got to find someone that is bigger and badder I always say bigger and badder than you, right? Someone who can really help to guide you through it. Because I remember the first Coach I hired, a couple of the things he said to me brought me to tears. I am like, you are a jerk, right? And he is like, well, it is the truth. And I think that that is hard because when we live in fear of our truth, when we live in fear of what our truth is, right?

Mm-hmm.

When we live in our prison or when we are anchored and we are afraid of what our truth is, We're scared of our truth, and that fear rules us, right? And we've got to get someone who can show us our fear in our face and help us get over it, right?

Yes.

And that's those conversations like you just had that I've had with people. Um, mine was around feeding, um, starving children on the streets of Romania with no parents who lived in their sewers. Because once again, if I help other kids that have no parents, that'll heal me, right? That was my idea at 17. Um, And someone asked me the same thing, right? Do you really think God wants you to move to Romania by yourself with no money and feed— how are you going to buy the peanut butter? I was like, I'm going to feed them peanut butter and bread. It'll be really easy. How are you going to buy it? How are you going to fly there? Uh, I have no idea. So, you know, we get the idea to save others, but the idea needs to be to save ourselves. Then you take that story, right? You take that how you healed your story, because it will resonate with others. And that's when you take that and that becomes your passion, right? And you repurpose it and you take that new thing and you show others how to do it in a way that only you can do it. And that's your ticket. That's when you're living in your purpose. And when you're living in your groove or your mojo or whatever you want to call it, is you're lit up from the inside out. When you finally decide that you're, that this prison you live in, you're going to set yourselves free and then you're going to set other people free. And that's why I believe God put each of us on the earth for a different way of doing it, whether it's financial planners who make millions of dollars, right? They were poor and now they can show other people how to do it. You know, whether it's coaches who were stuck in their business and now they can show people how to do it. Like, whatever it is, when you can unstuck yourself and share that with other people, that's when you're living in your groove and your magic.

Oh my gosh, amazing. And I know for some people they are thinking, Maybe they're in the story that, but it's 2020. What am I supposed to do? Like, walk us through the last 12 months of your life to not impress others, but to impress upon them the, the opportunity and the ability you can do in any climate, in any economic structure.

You can look at your life any way you want. So you can see this next part of my story as I'm a victim or a victor. I'm going to tell you what happened. But in January, I got engaged. In February, February 11th, we moved into a new house. On the 26th, I traveled for 2 weeks from New Zealand, where we were living in our new house, to the U.S. The world went crazy. The planet lost its mind. I thought I'd had the virus before, still lingering, so my husband said, I'll fly over and I'll hang out with you for a few weeks until everything resets, because I think we all thought it would. for 4 weeks. Then we ended up realizing the planet was very crazy, so he quit his job. We canceled our wedding plans, got married on the beach. We got pregnant a month later. We had no clothes. We were homeless, so we were renting different places, which only I could rent because I'm a doctor of chiropractic and only doctors could rent because the whole world was going crazy. We ended up Our clothes still aren't here. We still don't have our clothes. We put some belongings away. We sold the others. Our clothes are on a ship still to this day. And we ended up buying a house and had an emergency C-section in December. My daughter came a month early and my business was still up last year because I chose to just see every single building block for what it was. It was part of my path and I chose roots instead of anchors.

Oh, so good. So good, you guys. And let me tell you, this woman walked through it so gracefully. So for those people who want to get ahold of you, I know people are going to want to connect with you. What's next for you? How can they connect? Share all of the things.

Um, basically, like teaching you really how to unanchor from the areas of your life, right? So it's whether it's in health, it's your story, it's your faith, Really just join me at Dr. Martha Nestor because I'm my life is completely different. I'm a mom and a wife, which I was not at this time last year. So join me because I want you to live the life I know you were born to live, and I want to teach you how to set yourself free. I'm not here to save you. I like to say this: if you're not waving your arms in the air to get saved, I'm not your girl, right? But if you're just wanting to float in the ocean stuff like. You know, take life as it is. Join me because I'm going to teach you how to save yourself. I'm going to teach you the steps necessary to live your best life ever and to shine like you were born to shine. Because the truth is you just don't know how yet. You know, I was telling a friend of mine the other day, do you ever think about what you don't know? And you— it's hard to think about the unknown, but I think about this. I think about how I didn't know what I know about health, what I didn't know about business, what I didn't know about my truth, what I didn't know about God, what I didn't know. And then I learned it and I can't I know it, right? So that always keeps me open to learning more. So think about what you one time didn't know and how happy you are to know it. I just want to open you up to more things you don't know about, right? Some of them you'll love, some you won't. But the key in life is to be open, right? The key in life is to be open and to decide for yourself if you want to absorb that as your truth. And that's when you live in your magic. So Let's be, let's be truth slayers, Val. Hang out.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Shed your shit and shine, you guys, right? Check out Martha Nestler. You're honestly like one of my favorite people in the world. I love you so much.

I'm trying to get you to move to Florida with me.

I know, I wish, I wish. We will be as soon as we can travel, and my husband's been out of town a lot, but, um, we definitely will. And you are one of my favorite people. I love you so much, and I have I've loved watching you grow over the past year and a half, like honestly. And I love this space you're in. And I know you have so much to give in the world. So thank you so much for pouring into our audience today, for sharing your message. And I'm just so grateful for you.

Love you.

All right. You guys, in just a little bit, we'll be on with Melissa Go Ray and also with Bridget Hawkins. She will be talking about being a published author. So I'll catch you guys soon.

Awesome.

Bye.