Woman of Wealth & Worth Alexandra Stockwell Interview

It can feel like an almost paralyzing confusion. That's the stress response, which is freeze.

Hey guys, welcome to the Woman of Wealth and Worth Summit. I am so excited to have you here. My name is Val Nichols of Val Nichols Coaching, and I am so excited for our guest today. She is a breath of fresh air. So imagine this. 24 years ago, when she got married, she assumed that she would get divorced because it's all she knew. Fast forward to today, after raising 4 beautiful children And continuing to raise them right now during these new times, not to mention homeschooling them and still maintaining that gorgeous relationship with her physician husband. If you can imagine that during these times, she's here to share her wisdom, her hope. She's an intimacy expert who, in my opinion, honestly, is not afraid to speak her truth, is not afraid to speak what she believes and to pivot when necessary. She is a huge just icon. You guys will love her the moment you get to know her. Alexandra Stockwell, welcome! Thank you.

I'm so glad to be here. So happy to connect. And I feel like in this time, the more clear I become about who I am, the more I encounter kindred spirits. I don't know if you read Anne of Green Gables as a little girl. I'm I'm betting it's familiar to a lot of people watching. And she talks about how special it is, you know, to find a kindred spirit. And I feel like I'm finding a lot of kindred spirits in this time where we are all called to go all in and really live in integrity because it's the only way to get anything done. We have to manage our mindset during this time. time of the pandemic.

I agree so much. And that's— it's interesting because in this time, these new times we're in, it has been— I think for people like you and me who we have that common thread of like needing people, I believe that about you, that you're the outgoing type. And for those who are watching, you know, like we've gotten the opportunity to shift and seek what we need to maintain our well-being in different ways, which is really interesting to me.

I love that you say that. And since I know we're gonna be talking about relationships, particularly romantic partnership, there's something nuanced in what you said. I'm having a big epiphany over here because I really believe the essential foundation to a wonderful, passionate, really juicy relationship is growth. And I really think of the fantastic marriage as one which is a foundation for both people's personal growth.

Mm-hmm.

And I have so many stories to illustrate this. We really need to focus on our own growth in order to have a great relationship. We know that that's true in relation to ourselves in business also. And I think that one of the things which can feel elegant or really almost violent in the circumstances we're in now is that the way to succeed is with a growth mindset.

Mm-hmm.

And that was something that maybe felt optional before, but it's not optional to really thrive in these times.

Oh my goodness, I agree. I completely agree. And I think that what this pandemic, what I'm hearing you say, and what I'm believing and seeing for myself too and for my Clients is that this pandemic is shedding light on the things that were working. And it's also casting a light on the things that maybe aren't working or that we need to adjust. And I'll ask you this because I know that there's people out there right now that are watching this. And, you know, the audience is very successful women, driven women who have a very strong sense of themselves. And then now they're finding themselves, you know, over the last couple of months, they had found themselves now working from home. Maybe their spouse is there now and they're realizing there's some patterns or belief systems, some mindsets that are a little conflicting. So what are you seeing in that?

Yeah, you know, I want to be really clear. We are all pioneers. None of us have ever been through a pandemic. The circumstances are intense. And having present that, I actually want to completely put that aside because each of us has our patterns in how we respond to stress. And the fact is that in terms of what you're experiencing with your partner, sure, there's a lot of stress right now, but there are other circumstances that create stress.

Mm-hmm.

And my guess is that how you're responding or your partner's responding, it's not that different. It's just the volume is up and the stress It's a unique stimulus, but the way we respond is fairly patterned. And we've all heard of fight, flight, freeze, or faint. And faint isn't really relevant for emotional stress, which we're all in. But if you think about it, you, as you're listening, have your kind of go-to way that you respond when you feel stressed. Do you get intense and aggressive and blaming and critical and express the problems? That is a form of fight as your go-to response. Is it flight? Which can mean when things get intense, you feel stressed, you either literally take off and leave the room, or— You pull out your phone and check out, or you just Internally contract, and so even though you're physically present and maybe even still in conversation, there's a part of you inside which is definitely no longer there. Or in the case of freeze, which is actually, I think, the least understood and maybe one of the most common among women, that we don't realize it's a stress response. But when we just kind of internally stop in our tracks, we're not sure what the right thing to say is, or what the right thing to do is. Like, it can feel like an almost paralyzing confusion. That's the stress response, which is freeze. So my point in saying all of this is that what I see with couples right now is that the stress levels are high.

Mm-hmm.

And the patterned responses are going to be High if people haven't really done their work, or lower, or, you know, they're going to vary. But the troubles that couples face, the external circumstances are unique, but I don't actually think the way it feels and the dynamic that's happening is so particularly unique because we're still humans with— the physiology and souls and personality and ways of being that we have had all along.

Oh my goodness, I love that because even though you put aside that question, like, it also— you answered it. Because I think what I'm hearing you say is that, you know, this is a very unique time. We don't have a frame of reference in our human brain thinking like, okay, when have we ever gone through this? So a lot of times what I'm seeing and what I'm hearing in the medical world is that, and let me know if this is true, it can trigger past responses. And however that is that we're doing it, we are— what I'm hearing you say is instead of being in your way of being, of being like responsive and stressed and all of that, it's like almost like have Grace and have compassion and have patience with your, your partner because they might be dealing with their own stuff. And then so what's evident, what's happening in the world, is that it's, it's not a real situation. It's more of just a stress response.

Yes, and when you get really— I'm saying this to you, Val, I'm saying this to me, and I'm saying this to anyone listening— when you know what your stress response is, That gives you some, a little bit of freedom. It's like coming up for air. When I, like, just don't know what to do, I can get trapped in that. But if I can also have the presence of mind to think, oh, I'm having a stress response, what is it that's stressing me right now? Maybe it's the pandemic. Maybe it's the way my husband looked at me. Maybe it's that I thought of something I was supposed to do 3 weeks ago and it just— I forgot. Like, what I'm really talking about is a way to get into the present moment. And if you know what your stress response is, your typical go-to— it's not that we're just one flavor, but our main one— and what our partner's main one is, then we can find more compassion, more understanding. Like, there are certain behaviors my husband does which I don't enjoy, but I know when he's doing them, it doesn't mean that we're having trouble. It means that he's stressed.

Yeah.

And it's coming out in an automatic way. Now, if I'm stressed, it's harder to take it, but if I'm not stressed, I can just internally talk myself down. He must be really stressed. What are the things that he's glad for me to do when he's stressed? Now, in the case of my husband, He's glad for me to just give him his space. And it is easy for me to do that without resentment, without neediness, without wondering if I smell or I'm unattractive. Just give him his space and he's gonna be through that because that's his pattern. Everyone else's pattern is different.

I love what you just said, and I hope that people are really hooking onto this idea. So I wanna reiterate what you just said. In the fact that, you know, noticing patterns, and I think this is so important for all of us in our own self-awareness and relationship awareness, is that when there are certain patterns, when we really have the emotional intelligence of, or just the awareness, you know, awareness of paying attention to patterns that, you know, if my husband is— Because I think this is a male-female thing, not to like stereotype, but what I noticed is that Men, when they're stressed or they don't want to talk about something, they'll kind of pull back. You know, I know that my husband, when he's super stressed, he comes home and I work from home. I'm very outgoing. He's not. He's a mechanical engineer, very science mind. I give him 20 minutes to sit down, take off his work boots, do what he needs to do before I even start talking to him, because otherwise I've learned he just goes What? Like, you're asking me all these questions. So it's a pattern I've observed. So what I hear you saying is like, there may be patterns present in someone's behavior, either your own or your husband's, that doesn't necessarily mean it's, it's a personal thing. Instead, having that awareness of a pattern and then realizing there's certain things that work or don't work and You know, I know that there's a pattern of men want to pull back. They kind of want to go in their cave. I call it the cave. Like, oh, he's in his cave again. He doesn't want my feedback. He doesn't want— but then we're— here's women, we're like with our girlfriends, like, what's he doing? What's going on? I want to fix it. I want to fix, fix, fix, fix, fix. Because that can be our tendency to kind of chase after him when he's in his cave. And what I hear you saying, that's just so juicy and beautiful and amazing is that, you know, if that's his pattern and you realize that, give him his space.

Yes, and I am just like grinning inside that you give your husband 20 minutes because when my husband and I first got married 24 years ago, it was the same thing. And actually, soon after we got married, I— we had our first child within the first year, and I was in medical school, and just the way the academic year went, I ended up taking time off. And so I was at home, and he was in the hospital all day seeing patients, and he'd come home, and I just want to hear about it. I was so excited, like I was— that was my juice for the day. And again, we went through a whole process and We were clear it was 30 minutes. I would look at the clock when he came in, and I just paced myself and pretended, at least emotionally, that he arrived home 30 minutes later. I love hearing you say that. And the thing I really want to emphasize, if you're watching and you are a competent, ambitious, successful, loving woman, you may hear this part of our conversation and conclude, okay, You know, we have this pattern. I'm gonna make this change so it's more successful.

Mm-hmm.

And of course, it's great to be sovereign and take responsibility and be independent, but I actually want to encourage you, if I've just described you, to instead collaborate with your partner, because maybe you'll figure it out and come up with a solution. Like, I don't know if you and your husband talked or you just Automatically decided to do 20 minutes, but the risk of doing that and basically being the CEO and leader in our marriage in that way is that it can fundamentally have the flavor of a parent-child dynamic, even if it's for the good of your partner, it's for the good of the relationship. I really encourage you to approach it collaboratively and as a team. And the way to do that Is not when he's just come home and needs his space, but at another time when you're relaxed, you're connected, and you say, you know, I'd like to share my experience because I think we could do something better in a way that would really be better for both of us. And as I describe it, I just want you to know I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming me. There's just something that We could do better for both of us. Because when you— well, we'll stick with this example, especially since we have it in common. You know, when you come home and you're unavailable, I feel like I'm overbearing. I feel rejected. I feel like I can't get it right. I feel confused, like, I love you so much. Why doesn't it feel like that in those moments after you get home? I've been looking forward to seeing you. And it's also tempting to infer what it's like for the partner. So I highly recommend actually asking, you know, actually I would start with that. What's it like for you when you come home and those first 20 minutes, like, is there anything you'd want to improve about that? And hear his opinion, which he may or may not feel Safe sharing, or even be aware of. It depends who he is and like what your relationship is right now. But you want to ask the question and then share your ideas, because if you come to it together and you're both aware, when you then the next day are quiet for those first 20 minutes, he's gonna know that's you expressing your love.

Yeah.

And you're gonna know that's you expressing your love and that you're doing this together. It's not just you needing to fix a problem on your own.

It's beautiful. And what I'm hearing you say, which is something I truly believe in too, is that it's not this either/or conversation. It's an and/both, where you collaborate with your husband, your partner, to, you know, whether if that's a male-female relationship, female-female relationship, whatever that is, you know, collaborate to what works for both of you and create space that there's that understanding. Because I know that for most driven women, we have this CEO mindset and we, during the workday, we're very much in that masculine energy where we do and we take and we like, you know, we're just, we're in that energy and that intentionality of It was so painful for me at first. I'll be honest with you, it's so painful for me to like switch into my wife mode of, okay, I'm, you know, I'm your partner, and allowing that to be in where you have that just beautiful flow in your relationship.

Yeah, and I, I don't think we actually want to be CEO in our relationships, mostly because If I'm the CEO in my marriage, well, what do I want to do? Give my husband the VP role? Like, the executive assistant? Like, we— I want us both to have really good roles. And there's one thing that I want to say, and I think anyone who's a super competent woman is going to know what I mean with this, that it's one thing to let go of— The business attitude and the business thinking and like, stop being a CEO. It will be a CEO in business and then really be a softer, more responsive, receptive partner. That's great. But it can sound a little bit or feel on some days a little bit like split personality. And I want to talk about how to—

Mm-hmm.

make that not either/or but both/and.

Mm-hmm.

And one of the ways to do that is to learn to bring the energy from business but not the behavioral patterns. So what do I mean by that? If you're an entrepreneur and you're listening, then probably you think about your business a lot. When things are challenging, it's like on your mind. When you make a big sale, sale, you have a big launch, you have something really exciting happening with your client, like, it's so exciting! And especially if our partners aren't entrepreneurs, it can feel like we have to leave all that aside, or our marital conversations are just always about my business. And neither one of those are satisfying. And so my suggestion, and this is something to with, and it's not about getting it right the first time, but to really enjoy bringing that energy. So if I enroll a client and I'm so excited, it's taken a few months, and, you know, now, you know, it's something just really exciting, or I'm gonna be interviewed on national television, like something that I'm just so excited about, but how often am I gonna tell my husband and have it be great for our relationship, I can take all of that energy and bring it into the bedroom, bring it into dancing in the living room. Like, I think it's so, so important as women that we give ourselves permissions not to compartmentalize in terms of the energy so that we feel whole and harmonious and integrated Even if the topic of our conversation and the way that we speak to our husband isn't the same as we are at work. So to be even more specific, if I've had some big success, I don't have to dial down that energy to sit down to dinner. I can bring all of that energy and ask him about his day, or we can plan our next vacation if, you know, know, we're gonna be going on vacations again sometime soon. Like, there are ways to— or really just start making out, you know? Like, there are ways to bring that energy without bringing the business home.

Hmm.

Because there are a lot of women who feel like, I'm successful in business and I just feel a lot less competent in relationship. And there are a lot of ways to bridge that gap, and what I've just described is one of them.

I love it. And I know that you just came out with a book, so can you share a little bit more about that? And we'll put the link below. I know you have an offer for our viewers today.

Yes, it's the first chapter, the first chapter of my book, which is called Uncompromising Intimacy. The first chapter is called Is Companionship as Good as It Gets? And I wrote this book for women, for couples who are in relationships where they really love one another, they want to stay together, but things are just not as fantastic as you wanted. And there's this very— I think actually the majority of the population which is in long-term relationships, marriages, which are what I describe as conflict-free and passion-free. And we often celebrate the lack of conflict, but if we are compromising and being anti-conflict and pushing things under the rug so as not to make a fuss—

Hmm.

It's very hard when we get to the bedroom to find some switch to suddenly be fully fully connected and fully present. We need to cultivate that throughout the relationship. In fact, one of my favorite sayings is that when you're married, everything which isn't sex is foreplay. And being able to bring all of yourself in an uncompromising way to the relationship day to day is what creates the foundation for having that be true in the bedroom too. So that is my book, Uncompromising Intimacy. It's available on Kindle, paperback, and I recorded the Audible too. And the first chapter will describe for you the 4 main kinds of relationships so you can identify yours and see what is possible.

I love that it's on Audible and it's your voice because you have this calming about you and And a way of explaining things that it's like, that makes so much sense. It's like that real heart-centered language of the heart that I think so many women are going to relate to. And, you know, for those of you who don't know Alexandra yet, like, go out there and find her. She talks about everything from how to have the power to improve your relationships to how science leads to greater sex. She also has a recent podcast called What Do I Do with her daughter? What Should I Do with her daughter Josephine that is just so much fun watching your guys's energy. You're both just so beautiful. And she is homeschool currently homeschooling an eight-year-old and a fourteen-year-old, right? This woman is Wonder Woman. You are Wonder Woman. So I know that people are going to want to follow you, and guys. Please go out and find her. So where do you hang out most? We'll put your links below, but where are you hanging out most?

I hang out most on Facebook. And also, if you want to contact me, please, my website, very simple, alexandrestockwell.com. I love hearing from people. If there's anything that's resonated, tell me. I just love getting that feedback. And I'm on Instagram too, but I'm, I'm learning to be more hip with it. I don't always notice when I have a message. It sometimes takes me a day, but yeah, the main place— I mean, I'm on LinkedIn and so forth too, but the main places where I am are Facebook and Instagram.

Thank you so much for joining us today and for adding such a depth to this conversation that I think a lot of women are really going to get a ton of value and a new idea or maybe a new perspective of how their relationships are. So thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you for having me.

All right guys, we will see you tomorrow for the next interview. Bye!