3 common doubts about making friends (and how to overcome them)

You know, for me, I started my journey at age 30 when I realized I didn't belong. I looked myself in the mirror and the light, my eyes were dim. And I was about to go to my 30th birthday party. And you know those friends that just don't fill you up, that you know, are talking about you behind your back, you know what I'm talking about. Those friends that you think are your friends, but they don't really align with your values, your interests and your abilities. They don't align. They've just been grandfather in to your life. That was sort of the community that I had accumulated in my 20s. I was very much sleepwalking through life. I was really just not hanging out with friends who were positive. I was hanging out with a group of friends who are not talking about big ideas. I was not inspired. You know, the only human in my life was my identical twin sister, Mickey. And she and I just would commiserate all the time about where are our people? When are we ever going to find our people? So I think we all feel that way, right? I think we all feel those moments of we wake up and we realize, where do we belong? Who are my people? How am I going to meet those people? And so that was the beginning of this journey, this realization, this beautiful moment, this aha moment of something has to change. I had been prioritizing romance, I've been prioritizing work over friendships. And I think we all do that, right? I think we all end up because society tells us to just really prioritize again, love and work, professional life over community, that things, that things don't always go the way we want them to. Because belonging is the root sort of place that humanity starts from. That we start from. That gives us that space of that exhale of I'm home, that space that can really lift us up, give us wings to do what we are here to do, to pursue our passions, to live the life of our dreams, to be surrounded by friends and community that love us, that cheer us on, that don't shit talk us behind our backs. And that's what I was looking for. So for me that day when I was going to my 30th birthday party and I realized, whoa. And I'm sure we've all been there too. I don't care who's coming. I don't care who's coming to my birthday right now. They don't align with me. That was the beginning of that journey. And I realized I want to be around humans who said, fuck yes. To life. Right? Like, don't you want to be around friends who just wrap you up with excitement and energy? Who just propel you up to your greatest heights that you didn't even know were imaginable? That's what I wanted out of friends and community.

Radha, that's. That's a beautiful story. And I never knew that about you when I first got to know you. But I'm curious, what is your life like now? Now that you've mastered these tools of building community?

Well, if you can picture this, Vishen, this moment when I was staring myself in the mirror at age 30 to now, I was staring at myself in the mirror before going on stage in front of 15,000 people on the Oprah tour, to selling my business, one of my businesses for nine figures. And taking 40 of my closest friends on an all expenses paid trip to Colombia to celebrate this beautiful occasion. To be able to fall in love and have a baby, to go to the White House to throw dance parties for the Obamas on their last hurrah at the White House. To being on a farm and throwing epic dance parties with hundreds of friends joining here. I just, I could pinch myself, Vishen. I could pinch myself that all of this would not be possible had I not focused on community. And all of this just adventure, going to Burning man, going to just all these wild places in life would not be possible had I not prioritized my community.

That is amazing. Wait, you were invited to toss a dance party at the White House for the Obamas? Yes.

Yeah. Daybreaker was invited to throw the last party at the White house. And I DJed with my twin sister Mickey on stage and threw a giant party. And it was just this unbelievable moment of just fist pumping to this last hurrah. And I always joke that, you know, we got to play the White House and Diplo didn't, but I'm teaching.

That's amazing. It's first important that we address a couple of doubts or questions that people might have in their head which might prevent you from going forward. Now, the first question is really common. I'm an introvert. Can I do this if I am an introvert? This is the question that prevents so many of us from. From taking that first step forward. And I hear you guys, because I'm an introvert too. I've always been shy or an introvert. Radha.

So psychiatrists will say that introversion and extroversion are labels we give ourselves based on past childhood traumas that happen in our lives. Whether we were bullied on the playground, whether we had trouble at home, whether we were, you know, really whether we were sort of in moments in our childhood that created this labeling for ourselves. And so my challenge to everyone watching today is to really recognize that we get to be all these things. We have to be introverts and extroverts, that we are all metaverse. We can be loud, we can be quiet bookworms, we can be social butterflies. We could be, you know, we could be open and gregarious, we could be thoughtful and introspective, that we get to have all of these qualities as human beings. And it's when we recognize that introversion and extroversion are labels given to us or labels that we've assigned to ourselves. And the more we assign those labels to ourselves, the more of a self fulfilling prophecy they become, we become more and more like them. And so if we just unpack all those labels, if we really just move any of these limiting labels away from us that prevent us from creating our dream community, all of a sudden the whole world opens up. We can get more curious, we get more just open and courageous to meet people and build our dream community. And so labeling is and can be helpful in some ways, but can also be extremely limiting in others.

Now, Radha, is it true that like I, I used to think I was an introvert, I no longer believe that. Rather what I think is where all. What's that word you use? Metaverse. And that we move between two extremes? Sometimes I just want to be with myself. I just want to watch Netflix or read a book, drink some wine and have no one around me. And other times I crave company. And I think many of us lie on that spectrum.

So this spectrum of metavert is so exciting because it all of a sudden opens us up vishen to the possibility of, oh right, I can be quiet and Netflix and chill, or I can be open and social butterfly and gregarious. And we get to really allow our entire human being to express itself in all the ways. And it depends on the day, it depends on the moment, it depends on the temperature, it depends on the season, right? That we get to give ourselves that opportunity to be all of these things, to really play with every layer, the every juice of life. And that's the whole point of this journey as well, to unlock that beautiful.

So key idea here. If you've been labeling yourself an introvert, but you feel that's limiting depending on where you want to go with community, stop using that label. There is no scientific basis for that label. It's stuff that we make up as a human species. And we slap these labels on. Most of us move between these extremes. Extroversion, introversion, and everything in between. Now let's look at a second label that prevents us from taking a step forward. And that label is I'm a follower, not a leader. Let's talk about that.

Yeah. So I think so much of our past history makes us think, wait a minute, I need to wait, not initiate. I'm gonna be the waiter, not the initiator. I'm going to wait for someone to invite me because it's too scary to initiate because in my past I was trying to call a friend over for dinner and she laughed at me. And ever since then I've had trauma around initiating because of that. So if you've had that sort of again, past trauma or limiting belief around, I need to wait to be invited. This is actually what changed my life vision was I went from being the waiter to the initiator. Instead of waiting for my community to come to me, I began creating my community. I initiated and built my daybreaker community from scratch, from the ground up. I built my close knit inner core community from the ground up. From the ground up, from scratch. And we can all do that, we can all become initiators once we get to know ourselves, look under the hood, recognize our own values, our own interests, how we want to show up in the world with our gifts. That's really where the beauty and the magic begins.

Beautiful. So Radha, I think there might be a third doubt that people have. So listen carefully and see if this applies to you. And that doubt is this feeling of powerlessness. I don't have a title, I don't have a brand. I don't have a company I own. Who am I that people would want to connect with me or hang out with me? Should I even bother to start building a community?

So community starts with energy, vision. And I think you know this. Your energy is so beautiful. And you know, people gravitate to just beautiful energy. It doesn't matter what you do, how much money you have. Energy is a great equalizer in life. If you have the energy of being a fuck yeah friend. If you have the energy of just being a generous listener, a generous sort of share, you come and you show up to experiences with ideas, with gifts, with more than just a taker. Energy. If you show up with just giving energy where you're there, even if you bought a ticket, you're showing up with costumes or maybe gold stars. Put next someone's eye or some just service oriented mindset, then you'll always have friends. You'll always be wanted. People will always want to have you around or gravitate to like moths to a flame.

I love that.