Srikumar Rao recounts a parenting anecdote: his daughter received used baby items while his son got new ones, which led to the daughter feeling upset. Rao reframed the situation by telling his daughter she received "brand new parents" while her brother got "used parents," which instantly resolved her resentment. He uses this story to teach "reframing"—looking at situations from a different perspective to dissolve conflict—and encourages listeners to practice and experiment with the technique.
Chapters
When my daughter was born, I had just finished my PhD at Columbia Business School and had a lot of friends who had children who were slightly older than my daughter, and they were very solicitous. And they came up and said, you know, I have a crib. Would you like a crib? I have a high chair. Would you like a high chair? What about a stroller? I have one that I'm not using. And I said, of course. Bring them on. I saved a bundle doing that, and it's nice. When my son was born, I had no friends who were so giving. So he got new strollers, new high chairs, new cribs. It didn't strike me as any big deal, but my daughter was really upset. She came up and asked me, daddy, how come my brother got new stuff and I had old stuff. I brushed it off. I thought it would go, but it didn't. She would keep coming up to me, and she wanted to know why she got used furniture and my brother got new ones. It became apparent to me that I could not duck this issue. One day I had a flash of inspiration, so went up to my daughter and said, I realize that you got used stuff. Your brother got new stuff, but there is something you got new which is so much more important than anything your brother will ever get, that it more than makes up for that. In fact, if for the rest of your life you only get used stuff and he gets new stuff, this will still put you ahead. My daughter was puzzled. She didn't believe it, but she was also curious. So she said, what did I get new that my brother got used? So I leaned forward conspiratorially and said, you got brand new parents. Your brother got used parents. There was a moment and then there was a big smile on her face, and that problem went away forever. It's a funny tale, but it's also an instructive tale because you have the ability to reframe any situation which you are confronting. For example, your partner gets really angry at you. You recognize that it's not anything that you did, but that she has an emotional need. She wants to know that you support her. She wants to know that you care for her. Can you see beyond the expression of anger to there is a need she has that you can fulfill. There are many different occasions when you see this is what happens. And the way you see this is what happens is part of the problem. You can look back and say, I think this is the way it happens. But here is another way of looking at it. And when you use that other way of looking at it. The problem dissolves. Reframing is an extremely powerful technique. You have to learn to use it and experiment with it. But try it.
