My Story of Turning Judgment into Love & Compassion | Vishen Lakhiani

Welcome to phase one, where you're going to master the art of putting yourself in a state of being where you feel truly loved and you are loving to others. We call this Phase one, compassion. Compassion is expressing the intention or of moving from judgment to caring, from isolation to connection, from indifference or dislike to understanding. Let me give you an idea of what this means by sharing with you a story where I was less than compassionate. I was living in San Francisco. This was about 20 years ago. I love the beautiful streets of San Francisco. And one day while walking to work, there was a lady in front of me. And I noticed her opening an Oreo cookie. And then as she put the cookie in her mouth, she dropped the cookie wrapper directly in front of me. That pissed me off because I don't like litterbugs. So I picked up my pace. I reached below, grabbed that Oreo wrapper, picked up my paste again, overshot her, dumped it in the bin, then glanced over my shoulder and gather the look, you know, the look, that look that you are disgusted or judging someone for less than what you perceive as appropriate behavior. She looked up at me with the cookie still in her hand. Her eyes opened up. And then she started bawling and crying and crying and crying. And I was stunned. I wasn't trying to offend her. I simply wanted to teach her a lesson. I simply wanted to show her that you shouldn't be litter bugging in my city, in our city. And so I asked her, well, why are you crying? All I did was pick up your garbage. And she said, why do you have to be such an asshole? Me, the asshole? I was picking up her crap. And she said, you don't understand. My boyfriend left me this morning. I have to go to work because I have to show up at work with this broken heart. And all I wanted to do was eat this cookie and to give myself this tiny distraction from the deep pain I'm feeling right now. Why did you have to be such an asshole and make me feel even worse than I feel right now? And then it hit me. I was the asshole. I had judged this lady. I had, through the act of judging, decided and labeled her as a littlebug, labeled her as irresponsible, labeled her as a bad human. And then I wanted to teach her a lesson, make her feel humiliated for her dropping the wrapper by dumping it in a bin in front of her and turning to look at her. I was the asshole. I felt guilty for what I did. I apologized to her. I wished her well, and I walked to work With a heavy heart, I was less than compassionate. What I was demonstrating is a psychological principle called fundamental attribution error. Fundamental attribution error is this thing that happens in our mind where when we see someone else doing something that we perceive as wrong, we attribute it to their character. But when we do something that is wrong, we excuse ourselves because it's circumstance. When we accidentally litter, oh, it's because it was an accident. The wrapper fell out of my pocket. My mind was somewhere else. But if someone else does it, they are a little bug. Likewise, how many times have you had someone cut you off on a road and you label them a horrible driver or an asshole or an inconsiderate driver, but when you do it, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't see the car. I was rushing to work, My mind was distracted. My favorite song was playing. Fundamental attribution error is the psychological principle that makes us unfairly judge and label other people and assume that they have a character flawless but not do the same for ourselves. This is a natural tendency we have to override because there is enough asshole ish behavior in the world today. But you know what there isn't enough of? Kindness, human connection, people understanding each other, and it starts with us. As I started practicing the six space, I became less judgmental, I became more understanding. And one of the most beautiful side effects is I became a really generous tipper. A couple of months ago, I went to a restaurant. The city had just come out of a lockdown, so restaurants had just opened. We had to wait 10 minutes to go in. I was there with a friend, and when we got into the restaurant, we had to wait another few minutes for our table, while our table was being set, during which time we had to keep a mask on. Finally, we could seat ourselves at the table, take off our mask and wait for the waitress to come and take our order. But the restaurant was packed. The waiters and waitresses were busy. It took 20 minutes for someone to take our order. And then when our order was taken, all I'd asked for was a cup of black coffee to get started. It took 20 minutes for that coffee to come to me. Finally, another 20 minutes later and our food came. My coffee was served cold. The food was served late. But as we left that restaurant, I decided to leave the waitress a €20 tip on a bill that was maybe €40. My friend turned to me and said, what are you doing, Vishen? This service here was horrible. The waitress got our order wrong. We were waiting for so long. Why are you giving her a €20 tip. But I saw it in a different way. I explained to my friend, well, look, the reason I want to give this waitress a €20 tip is because when I put myself in her shoes, I can see what she's going through. While the restaurant was shut during the pandemic, perhaps she was fearful that she might never have a job again. She was perhaps not earning a salary. Finally, when the restaurant opens, she has to shuttle around this restaurant completely packed with new patrons, while wearing a mask for 12 hours straight. She's juggling to do the best she can. I can see that the restaurant is understaffed. And she's doing all of this with so much uncertainty in the world, so much discomfort because of the mask, because of the packed environment. She's constantly being pulled in all of these different directions by the crowd in this restaurant. And so I forgive her. I understand her. I don't mind that my food is late. I don't mind that my coffee was served a little bit cold. I'm just happy I'm getting to eat out again after being shut at home for so long. And that's why I wanted to give her a €20 tip. Because despite everything, this was still a pleasurable experience for me. And I can understand what she's going through. That is why I always tip in a big way. But that difference in perspective is what you get when you practice daily compassion. I'm not saying I'm a saint. What I'm saying is compassion is a trainable skill. All of us can go from being judgmental to being truly loving and kind. And when you do that, you're not just becoming a better tipper. You're not just better to the people around you. The world feels better because everyone around you, you start understanding that they are human just like you. You stop judging. You start seeing the reason behind people's behavior. You start acting from a place of empathy. And if everyone does that, imagine the world you would leave for our children. This is the point of phase one, to go from judgment to caring and understanding. The roots of this exercise come from two sources. The first source is Zen Buddhism. What you're learning is a form of loving kindness meditation popular in Zen Buddhism. The second aspect of this exercise comes from the heartmat Institute, which is a group of scientists based in Los Gatos, California that study a phenomenon called hotel resonance. Heart resonance is remarkable predictor of your health and well being in states of bliss. And there's a unique exercise they found that elevates heart resonance. This is what we're going to do to kick off the compassion phase. But why bother with compassion? Well, let's see what science says when you practice compassion. Here's everything that a variety of scientific studies have said happens to you. First, you have enhanced levels of optimism and positivity. Second, you develop natural generosity. Third, you have heightened stress immunity, which means heavy workloads, deadlines, impact you in a less stressful way. You are less reactive to annoying stimulus. There's an increased activation in brain regions associated with bonding. You see a reduction in symptoms of ptsd, and one of the best ones is reversal of aging. Compassion makes you healthier, sexier, and better looking. According to professor Richard J. Davidson of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, compassion is a trainable skill. So if you're a really massive asshole watching this program today, but you aspire to be a saint, we can do that. Now, compassion, when you truly practice it, also lends its benefits to other aspects of your life. Let's talk about dating. Multiple studies have shown that one of the most attractive qualities a man sees in a woman is a loving heart and compassion. One of the most attractive qualities that women say they look for in men is a sense of kindness. So, yes, compassion can seriously improve your dating life. Now, compassion can also improve your career prospects. If you run a company, Pay attention to this. There was a study done by Gallup where they interviewed close to 10 million employees. And they found that there was this one thing that when employees answered yes to, it meant that they were more engaged in their job. They stayed with companies longer, they were better contributing to productivity and the bottom line. And that statement was, my manager or supervisor cares about me as a person. In other words, if you're compassionate to your people, this in turn brings out the best in your people. For me, compassion is simple. Compassion is about surrendering to the best version of yourself. As William Blake said, we are put on earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love. So how do we practice compassion? Well, here's the exercise. Now, remember I said that this exercise starts with a modality devised by the heart med institute of Los Gatos, California. You're going to generate feelings of compassion within you by closing your eyes and seeing in front of you the face of someone you love. This could be a human being. It could also be a pet. For me, it's my daughter, Eve. She's got the cutest face. And every time I see Eve, I just am filled with compassion and love. It's often this way when it comes to Our children. For you, it might be your partner, your lover, your parents, your grandparents, your child, your nephew, your niece. It might be a close friend. You can pick a different person every day if you want to, but see a face of someone you love. Now, as you see that face, you're going to imagine in your heart the feeling of that love. So I would imagine the love I have for Eve right here in my heart area. And then you're going to give that love a color. So I often see compassion as the color light blue. Now interestingly, in studies by the Heart Med Institute, simply doing this changes your heart resonance to a healthier, more beneficial level for your well being. But now what you're going to do is you're going to do a breathing exercise. You're going to breathe in and as you breathe out, you're going to imagine this light blue love, or whatever color you see it expand until you are filled in a bubble of this love. And you're going to feel this compassion that you felt for the other person towards yourself in this bubble. Let's stop here for a moment. Today most of us need to cultivate more feelings of self love. It's not narcissism to feel love for yourself. If anything, most of us don't have enough love for ourselves. When you can channel compassion and fill yourself with love, you are less needy of love from others. This is massive and significantly improves the quality of your relationships. Neediness is a turn off. But when you are so filled with love that you are not demanding that people give you love in some particular way because you feel incomplete, you need, you are better able to show up as your best self in the world and be a better partner in any type of relationship. So this is why we start by seeing someone you love, practicing that feeling of compassion, taking a deep breath and as you exhale, you fill yourself with love. You see yourself in a bubble of your own compassion. But you now take another deep breath and as you exhale, you see the entire building you're in. It could be an office, it could be your home covered in this bubble of love. Now if you're living in an apartment block, you take another deep breath and as you exhale, you see the entire apartment block. Or if you're living in a home, the entire neighborhood filled with the bubble of your love. Imagine your apartment block as if you're looking at it through a helicopter. Your neighborhood could be something that you're looking at through Google Maps or maybe a 3D idea of your neighborhood. And then as you do this. You feel this feeling of compassion towards all life in your apartment, in your neighborhood, your friends, family, neighbors, all the plant life and animal life. Now, if you want, you could repeat. And what the Buddhists do is they repeat a blessing. The blessing could be, may you be free of pain and suffering. May your day go joyously. You could come up with any blessing you want. Now you take another deep breath, and as you exhale, you see this bubble of compassion fill your entire city. Imagine looking at your city as if you're in a helicopter or seeing your city on a map, but see your entire city filled with the light of this compassion. Then you take another deep breath, and as you exhale, you see this compassion extend to fill your entire state or country. Then you take another deep breath, and as you exhale, you see this compassion fill the entire planet Earth. Your last image is the image of the earth in front of you, covered in the light of your compassion. You can repeat a mantra. May you be free of all suffering and pain. May your day be filled with joyousness and positivity. But you feel this feeling of compassion to all life on Earth. And then you're done. Now, as you're taking these deep breaths, you're also practicing mindfulness. And you're practicing putting yourself into a deeper state of meditation. And with that, with the image of the earth, you now have completed phase one. The beautiful thing about this exercise is when you go out that day, you are going to feel more at peace with everyone around you. Someone who suddenly might raise their voice at you unnecessarily in the office rather than trigger you. You will notice as you practice this. You start being able to observe them and understanding that person might be stressed out, but you don't judge them. You start becoming a better tipper. You start becoming a kinder soul. You start smiling at people, bump into them in the street. And the beauty of this is life just seems better. Your town, your city, the people you work with, your company. Everything starts to slowly get better and better. And as you walk with this compassion, as you infuse everything in life around you with this compassion, what you will find is that people will start reacting to you differently. There will be less unkindness in your your life and more love. Compassion is an energy. We feel it at a subtle level. And when we feel someone who's truly compassionate towards us, we return that gift to them. You start walking the world in a different way. You start lighting up a room when you walk in that room. And people will react accordingly. Of course, this doesn't happen the first time you do it. Compassion is a trainable skill. But the more you do it, the more and more powerful this ability will be. And soon you will be magnetic and you will have an incredible positive effect on people every time you step into a room. So let's get started. What I'm going to do next is guide you through the exact compassion ritual I just explained. This is phase one. Now, when you do this ritual, it's going to end up being only about two to three minutes. That's exactly why the six phase is so effective. You're getting an immediate shift in your well being in the way you show up in the world for minutes for each of these exercises. So now I want you to find a comfortable position, sit and relax. You could be in your bed, you could be sitting on a chair. It doesn't matter what time it is today. And I'm going to guide you through the compassion meditation. Meditation. This is going to take just a few minutes. When you're done, you can choose to jump to lesson two and then I'm going to guide you through the compassion meditation and layer on the gratitude meditation. Or you can choose to take a break for today and go to the gratitude lecture and meditation tomorrow. You decide.