The 6 Most Googled Parenting Queries Answered...

So let's say a child. You want a child to be able to read more. They have the behavior, the capability, they were taught correctly. But what about the beliefs and the values, meaning the beliefs around that? Or maybe they want to. Maybe they believe they're not smart enough, or maybe they don't value remembering what they're studying. One of the reasons why children don't learn is because what does this have to do with life?

Yes, exactly. They are not curious about it at all.

Exactly. I mean, even now as adults, you look back in high school and you think about what we were taught, like parallelograms instead of doing how to do your taxes. Right. And there's no parallelogram season, but tax season there is. So we're not taught how to be able to do that. And so part of the values is relevancy. You know, taking information that a child's learning and showing them how they could apply it towards their life. So beliefs and values, like, even when we teach people how to remember names, maybe, for example, that's the behavior. And maybe they're even taught how to remember names, but maybe they don't value remembering someone's name. Or maybe they believe that they have a horrible memory. So all behavior is belief driven. So that needs to be addressed. And then the level above belief and values are, this is level called identity. Like, who does that child think that they are? You know, we've all heard in this community that the two most powerful words in the English language are I am. Right. Because whatever word you put after that is your. Is your life, is your destiny. Exactly. Very much so. And so here's the thing. Let's say at a behavioral level, you want your child to stop doing something, even if you think about adults like they struggle with I want to stop smoking. Right. And maybe they were maybe even taught how to do it. Like they went through some kind of seminar, listen to some kind of podcast about it. Maybe they have a belief maybe around it. But maybe the identity is, I am a smoker, so that's gonna be really difficult. Or maybe so you want somebody as a child to study, but their identity is I'm stupid. Well, yeah.

And let's go deeper into these labels. That can be really dangerous. I am dyslexic. I have adhd. Right. I mean, this is a really big issue. And a lot of times it's imposed children in a school environment or by the parents themselves.

Exactly. And here's the thing. Adults have to be very careful of their external words. Their external words, because they become a child's internal words. You know, when I was 9 years old and a teacher pointed to me in front of the class saying, that's the boy with the broken brain, that became my inner speech. So every single time I did badly on a quiz, which was a lot, often every time I wasn't picked for sports, I would always say, oh, it's because I have the broken brain. And, and that became my inner voice. But here's what you want to remember as adults and even with your children is that your brain is like a supercomputer and your self talk is a program it will run. So if you tell yourself you're not good at remembering names, you will not remember the name of the next person you meet because you program your supercomputer not to. Your mind is always eavesdropping on your self talk. Your mind is always eavesdropping on your self talk. And, and so when people come to you or your child comes to you and they say, oh, I'm not a good studier, or I have a horrible memory, you have to remind them. If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them. If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them. If people realized how powerful their mind truly was, they wouldn't say or think anything they didn't want to be. True.

I think a lot of relationships in general, but especially new parents, kind of beat themselves up and it's not working. And this is supposed to be perfect. And for us, we really. It's how we look at it. It's like, okay, cool. This is gonna be an opportunity for growth. This is gonna be an opportunity for us to learn more about each other, to learn more about each other's boundaries and preferences and really kind of just dive deeper into this so we can become a better foundation for our son. And that context changes the whole game. Because if we're like, resist communication challenges, then there's no way you can come out of that because you're already making it wrong versus going, ah, this is interesting. We have an opportunity to grow and to learn and to really come together in a deeper way.

I think what's most important in all of it is just stepping back into the room. And I mean that literally and metaphorically and energetically. I think that back to this idea, this fantasy standard of always getting it right and always having things working, that's going to like, things are going to blow up.

Actually, you know, Stan Tacton, he's a psychologist. He talks about how our neurobiology is actually Completely connected. You know, for a long time, a lot of relationship theory thought, oh, you know, I'm responsible for my consciousness, you're responsible for your consciousness. Deal with it. But now, actually, science is proving that we're totally interconnected. And when he's anxious or stressed out, I'm a part of that, and my biology is feeling that too. And guess what? Our children are no different. Right? So our children are feeling our anxiety, our stress, our frustration. They're feeling when we're stuffing it down and sweeping it under the rug. They can sense all of that. So truthfully, like, transparency for us has been huge and not taking things personally, like, in a very tactical sense, those two things, plus having really clear, intentional agreements on how we communicate. Like, for instance, every Sunday, we. We do this, like, transparency talk, where it's like anything during the week that's come up that we had a thought about or that we kind of were resentful about, we just bring it into the space. And how we do it is we start with an acknowledgement, and we say, hey, here's what I want to acknowledge you for from this week. Now, here's what came up for me. And we make sure it's in responsible communication. Like, I made up the story that you, you know, my wounded self believes, or the frightened person, frightened part of my personality thinks that. And then he would just receive it and go, okay, great, I hear you. Awesome. Not taking it personally, but being an objective listener so that we just have this space to clear all that crap that otherwise would just stack, stack, stack, stack, stack, and cause a lot of neurobiological frustration that the child can feel.

Now, for those of you listening to this going, so you're saying I'm responsible for everything that my wife or boyfriend or whatever is experiencing? No, what we're saying is, is that we get to keep each other in mind. We get to protect each other's love, personality, life. Like, the same way that we care for our child. If we even did 20% of that for our partners, the game would change. And I think that. Yeah, it's just really important.

Yeah. And I want to start by saying that these, you know, invisible, secondary losses are more catastrophic for teens and children than it is than they are for adults. So when.

When a.

When a teen has a breakup and, you know, they spent time with that friend that they were in a relationship with, and all of a sudden that person goes and rejects them, I would be very concerned if we didn't emphasize and validate and acknowledge the depths of loss that your child is experiencing. I am going to come across as dramatic in this part because I want to make sure that parents are aware that suicide is very present at this age, when there is a breakup, when there is bullying at school. I've had parents write to me hard things about the suicide of their children. They didn't know. They were not aware of the losses, the bullying, the rejection, the abandonment their child was experiencing at school. These losses are so invisible that the child will do everything they can to appear normal or stronger or strong or that everything is fine, that they have this social life. And. And in the breakup conversation, most parents would say, don't worry, sweetheart, you'll meet someone. There's plenty. You're young still. We say, I have said these things. We all say those things. I have made that mistake as well. But for them, that is their whole world. That is everything to them. And I always say divorce or separation or breakup is like death, but it's like the person is dead for us and alive for everyone else.

Wow.

Yes. And I've said this to a lot of people who have been divorced and separated and say, the person is supposed to be dead for you. You're not allowed to have this person in your life, but you see them with that person and that person and that person. You're not allowed to go there, which is even worse and more painful than anything else.

Talking about death, loss and disappointment with your kids should not be avoided. In fact, it provides a wonderful opportunity to bond with your child.

Your child is going through an emotional experience that is strange and even unsettling. Make sure you don't dismiss their experience. Validation is crucial at a time like this.

Here we are, we're at the end of our day. We're kind of like we be tired ourselves. And then we've got this intention, which is loving, to create connection. What can we do? How much can we actually influence on this? Now, the first thing, and we've been talking around this is really ourselves. How are we coming into the moment? You know, have we. Have we settled our anxiety? Have we taken a little breath for ourselves? Have we reconnected with the reason we're doing this now? The reason we're doing this is to create this opening, to create loving connection. So first, that's it. We can connect with ourselves. And second, we have some influence over our child and the state that they're in when they get to bed now, you know, from maybe as early as 6 o' clock in the evening, we're moving towards sleep, right? Have we over Energized and overstimulated them with some activities. Are they on a sugar high? You know, have we missed the window? Is it 9 o' clock at night and they're too late and so, you know, they're not going to let go of I want a story. But it's like, bit it, bit it, bit. And you're like, you're almost too tired for a story. So we've got a little bit of influence over that, getting that sweet spot right for them. Then we get some influence over the environment that they sleep in. You know, turning lights off, having a nightlife. Maybe. Maybe it's putting a particular music on in the background that needs to be.

Cyrus loves the salt lamps, you know, the really ambient lighting.

That's a shift from going to the bright lights and the sun going down. He knows that when our ambient lighting comes on that we're getting prepared to close out the day.

And we're kind of tracking that sunset process that you name. It's like we're leading you through a transition. This is a transition. It's not like awake, asleep, it's not a switch. So we want to do the journey of the transition each time. And the fourth thing that you've got some control over is the content. It's like, what is it that we're choosing to engage with at this time? We might add even the medium that the content is delivered on these days, you know, whether you're choosing a hard copy book or whether you're choosing an electronic screen. The LCD lighting effect, it's a stimulant. Right. So we have to be aware that that stimulant is at odds with that transition journey that we're trying to create for the little ones.

Yes, absolutely. I mean, one thing we personally practice is we do shut down the screens if we do have them on towards.

The end of the day.

Every now and again, Motown Magic gets left on a little bit late after his bedtime. And then when it comes time for the bedtime and saying goodnight to the toys and him helping turn the lights off, I do notice that if the motel magic's gone a little bit late, he doesn't want to say goodnight as early.

And I love that little example. Saying goodnight to the toys, right?

Yes.

So there's a little tribal belonging happening for Osiris in his community. His community, his environment has these characters in it.

Name it to tame it. Right. Name your emotions to tame your emotions. So this is a very basic practice that you can do outside of the moment. Another thing that really is important. Important is to create, is to we fuse everything together. We fuse our feelings and our thoughts with our identity, right? And I'm always telling kids, you have a very strong light, not force, you have a very strong light inside of you, an essence inside of you, strengths inside of you that have nothing to do with the experience you're going through. And they're like, okay, well that sounds cool. What do I do about that? And I say, start to remove the words I'm or I am. I'm anxious, right? I am this. You're fusing what's supposed to be a temporary experience. Remember, it's a message that's being sent to you. The emotion is a message and it's temporary. So don't fuse it and create permanence around it. So what you can say is, I'm noticing, I'm feeling worried, or I'm having the thought that this is happening.

Yeah.

This separation, this diffusion, right. In, in psychological terms, they call it cognitive diffusion is simple to do and very powerful. You start to become an observer of your experience. Something that happens in meditation, right? And these things that sound, oh my goodness, this sounds so sophisticated, right? How can a kid learn this? This is the work that I do. Most of the people, the humans that I work with are little humans. I work with 6 to 10 year olds and trust me, they come into this world mindful. They are mindfulness teachers, whereas we might see them sometimes as distracted. They're not distracted. They are licking the crevice on the ground.

They are smelling the flowers.

Try to take a walk with a little one and you will notice the amount of mindfulness that they have.

People always ask me, how do I raise a happy and successful child? How do I raise a healthy child? How do I raise someone who's self actualized in their life? Well, one minute. How can you possibly teach a child or raise a child or create an environment for them to become those things if you haven't cracked that code for yourself yet? The key mistake that we make is misunderstanding our role as parents, just misunderstanding the job description. And I think the most elegant and eloquent, you know, kind of cohesive outline of this is Alison Gopnik's book the Gardener and the Carpenter. And I won't do it justice. But what she outlines is the difference between being a gardener and a carpenter. And basically our kind of modem operandi of parenting in this culture is a carpenter role. A carpenter takes a chunk of raw wood and has an end game in mind. He knows that this Raw wood is now going to become a chair. Right. And is going to work and mold and carve and shape and nail and hammer out that wood, sand it, clean, smooth it, finish, and put on the polishing layers until it looks exactly like the other three chairs he's just created. Yes. This is the factory line parenting. Right. And we all are products of the industrial revolution and industrial era. So we all think of many processes in terms of efficiency, productivity and lemons. Right. Oh, this one's a lemon. This one came out wrong.

Yeah.

This creates a very kind of predetermined. Right. One size fits all, dogmatic approach to people. Now, it's wonderful when it comes to chairs. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work when it comes to humans. Yes, we want our chairs to be flawless, but humans are complex. They're complex organisms, complex systems. And there are many different factors that go into what makes a human successful. And the biggest factor, in my opinion, which we're missing is the self definition of success. What does it mean to be successful for you? What does your child view as successful? Right. And so I think misunderstanding our role as a factory line worker or a carpenter who's working on a product. And if that product doesn't look exactly the same as we've predetermined it to look, or as the spec.

Right.

Then we have a lemon. Right. Then we need to medicate that person or put that person in therapy and all sorts of tutoring and shape them and prod them until. And we can fit them into the books.

Well, this is super stressful. Like how do we overcome that? Is it by being the gardener? Of which. I'm super curious to hear this. Cause I haven't read this book, which sounds amazing, but now I wanna know about the gardener.

So. Exactly. So the opposite of the carpenter in this context is the gardener. Now, the gardener knows that they don't create the rose.

Yes.

They don't create the. They might plant the seed. Okay. But then the gardener's whole job is to create an environment with which the seed can grow. Okay.

The rose.

The gardener realizes that the rose is no less a rose in its seed form as it is in its sapling form as it is in its full blossom.

Yeah.

It always has the DNA of the rose. Its rosiness is always within it. The gardener's job is to offer and to provide the needs. The basic needs. Really basic needs. Okay. This does not include Montessori manipulatives, although I love them. What does a gardener do? He waters. He makes sure that they're exposed to sunshine, that the soil is nutrient rich and he might ward off predators. Right. He might make sure that there's no nasty weeds around, et cetera. Right. So there's a little bit of protection, not overprotection. And then he lets be, and then he allows that rose to blossom, and he just enjoys it. So the difference between the carpenter and the gardener in this case is really the difference of am I doing, am I controlling? Am I shaping, molding, creating an image that I have predetermined, or am I just kind of clearing the soil, providing the water, letting the sun shine, and sitting in a deck chair, you know, and enjoying the fruits of nature's labor water.