Arielle Ford (in conversation with Vishen Lakhiani) argues that people must take personal responsibility for their own happiness—especially within romantic relationships—by prioritizing self-love and self-care. She contrasts cultural beliefs that happiness comes from external sources (partners, jobs, possessions) with the need for internal work: sleep, exercise, meditation, pleasurable activities. She cites oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and recommends fast ways to rebuild it (notably a 20-second hug). Ford promotes daily pleasure rituals—calling them becoming a “pleasure pig”—and advises making one pleasurable item the top of each day’s to-do list (examples: listening to music, bubble baths, massages, cuddling a pet).
Chapters
So, Ariel, we're going to go on to the final model that we were going to talk about today. That is, you believe that we must learn to be personally responsible for our own happiness in life and especially in relationships. Yet that seems a bit counterintuitive.
We've been trained by the media and by the world that happiness comes from outside of us. You know, we think the right person will make us happy and the right job will make us happy, and maybe the right little black dress will make us happy. When the truth is we need to do our own internal work. We have to make ourselves a priority, our own happiness priority. So that means really diving into self love and self care. You know, eating right, exercising, getting enough.
Sleep, doing our meditations, going for our walks, taking bubble baths for women, watching sports on TV for guys. You know, figure out your life in a way so that you take care of you. Because when you fill yourself up, then.
You have more to give everybody else around you. And for women in particular, this is really important because so many women I know are completely stressed out. And stress eats up the oxytocin in our brain. So oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. It's what gives us our ability to connect. Some of the ways to rebuild oxytocin very quickly is actually the fastest one is to go give somebody a 20 second hug.
Not 15 seconds, a 20 second or longer hug. Or you could go get a manicure, a pedicure, get your hair done, you could go shopping. You don't even have to buy anything. Just go walking around the store and feel and touch and smell and sniff. Go have a glass of wine with your girlfriends, go get a foot massage, get a full body massage, get a Thai massage. Just add pleasure to your life. So I've been training people lately to become pleasure pigs. And what this means is that every day when you make your to do.
List, the number one item on your list should be pleasure. What's the one thing I'm going to do today to have more pleasure in my life? And on days when I'm really busy, when I can't go out and get a foot rub, I'll do something really simple like I'll go on to my music list and I'll listen to Andrea Bocelli sing the prayer for three minutes and that just fills me up. Other days I might take a really long bubble bath or I might just spend time with my cat in lap cuddling with my cat. How whatever you find pleasure in, make sure you do a little bit every day.
