In this guided self‑help session Paul McKenna demonstrates a step‑by‑step NLP‑style process to help listeners overcome social and romantic anxiety and build natural confidence. He begins with a client story about a man who imagines an idealized, larger‑than‑life picture of a woman he fancies, which fuels his fear. McKenna instructs the listener to mentally shrink that picture to a tiny photograph that fits in the palm, which instantly changes the client’s posture and confidence. He then introduces a physical confidence anchor: squeezing the thumb and middle finger together while recalling a pleasant memory with trusted friends, thereby linking the positive state to a tactile cue. Next, he guides the listener to select a role model of sexual/social confidence (e.g., a movie star) and to “step into” that person’s perspective, reinforcing the anchor. After establishing the anchor, he teaches “pumping up” the state by repeatedly associating the anchor with the role‑model feelings and then visualizing a vivid “movie” where the listener interacts flawlessly with the desired romantic partner, handling challenges with ease. The session emphasizes repeated mental rehearsal, using the thumb‑finger anchor in‑the‑moment, and programming the mind for success. The exercise concludes with a reminder to practice frequently and a brief promotion of the full Mindvalley program.
Chapters
He asked her out on a date and she said yes. Well, my friend kept talking about this woman he fancied like she was completely unattainable. He really wanted to go out with her, but every time he was around her, he'd get completely tongue-tied. Now, I noticed that whenever he spoke about her, he gestured in front of his face as if he was describing a picture. When I asked him what he thought the picture was, he didn't think he was looking at anything. But when I had him repeat the gestures and take another look at what he was imagining, he was making a Big, bright, colorful picture of the woman standing tall like a goddess in his mind. In addition, he heard his internal voice saying, wow, she's so beautiful, most beautiful woman in the world. Why would she possibly want to go out with someone like me? So I had him shrink the image right down until it was able to fit in the palm of his hand, like shrinking an 8x10 down into a wallet-sized photograph. Suddenly, His body posture completely changed. He looked surprised, but far more confident. That's weird, he said. I'm not scared of her anymore. Then I told him to look at the new picture in his mind and tell himself, is it possible she would go out with me? In a confident internal voice. Yeah. Now, at first he thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but as I asked him to do it again and again, repeat it, suddenly the smile on his face let me know that he'd changed his state. The next time he saw her, He felt much more comfortable. Although he didn't yet feel completely at ease, he felt comfortable enough to tell himself, what the hell? He asked her out on a date, and she said yes. And the second thing that helps you bring your natural confidence to social situations is this: pump up your state. After someone is feeling less daunted by the person or people they wanted to spend time with, it's time to create some new powerful positive associations. When I do this with a client, I begin by having them think about people around them who they already feel comfortable being around. When they're beginning to feel those feelings in their body, we create an association between those feelings and the person that they'd like to feel comfortable being with in the future. If this is someone to whom they feel sexually attracted, I then have them imagine someone who for them is a role model of sexual confidence. It can be someone they know, or more usually it's a movie star, someone like Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, Brad Pitt, or Ryan Gosling. Finally, We put it all together and mentally rehearse being in the same social situations, but with these brand new pumped up positive pictures. Now, in yesterday's lesson, we learned about the power of modeling. So today we're going to put it into practice in the context of romantic relationships. Let's do this guided exercise now. So I'd like you to get comfortable, and if it's safe and appropriate to do so, close your eyes. Now, next, I would like you to bring to mind the person or people you feel most comfortable with. Is it a certain group of friends or members of your family? Whoever it is, go back to a particularly pleasant experience of spending time with them. Do it now. That's right, like you're back there again now. Now allow those feelings to come back and now use them to create a romantic confidence switch. Just put the thumb and middle finger of one of your hands together while you're seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard, and feeling how good you felt when you were comfortable with a friend or friends. Do it again. Keep going through that memory, squeezing your thumb and middle finger together. See what you saw, hear what you heard, feel how good you felt. Keep doing that. Go through it again. That's it. We're creating a nice strong anchor for social confidence. People that you enjoy being with, you don't feel scared of being judged, you're natural and authentic. That's it. Keep squeezing your thumb and finger together. Now ask yourself, what are some of the other ways you'd like to feel? in a romantic situation? Maybe your answer is relaxed, or, you know, as I say, not afraid of being judged, but natural and authentic. Permission to be yourself. Now, next, I want you to imagine someone who for you is a model of social and sexual confidence. So it could be a movie star, could be somebody you know. Now, what I'd like you to do when you think about them Is see them up there on the screen in your mind speaking confidently to the person or people you'd like to be more comfortable with. Do it now. Now, when you're ready, go over and float in to that role model so you're seeing through the eyes and hearing through the ears and feeling the feelings of being socially and sexually confident. Self-assured. That's right. Squeeze your thumb and finger together. That's it. Create a strong associational link between these good feelings of social sexual confidence. Squeeze with your thumb and fingers. That's right. Good. There you go. Now, while you've got that feeling nice and strong, we're going to focus on pumping up your state. So there you go. Squeeze your thumb and fingers together. Get that good feeling going. Yeah, yeah, pumping up your state. That's it, good. Seeing through the eyes of your role model, hearing through the ears, feeling how good it feels. Pictures are rich, bright, bold, and feelings are strong. That's good. You can feel that nice feeling inside your body of confidence. Now, while in this positive state, I want you to watch a movie of you getting on extremely well with the person that you want to get on well with. Imagine the sign over their head which says, make me feel important. Seeing them laughing, smiling, whatever it is that lets you know that they're having a wonderful time with you. Throw in a challenge or two as well. Watch yourself handling it really easily and perfectly as you keep feeling good. Keep imagining all going perfectly the way you want it to. Now, when you feel pumped up and confident, whenever you're ready, go over and step into your role model and see through their eyes and hear through their ears. Feel how good it feels as you imagine being with that person that you want to be with, and it all goes perfectly the way you want it to. That's right, you're inside the movie now. And it's going fantastic because you have all this confidence. Relax your thumb and finger, open your eyes, and come on back out. Every time you run through this movie in your mind, you're programming yourself for success. When you're actually with the person that you want to be with, you'll be able to relax and allow your natural confidence to guide you as you make them the most important person in your world. While you could just use this technique as an in-the-moment tool by squeezing your thumb and fingers together to instantly feel more relaxed and confident when you're with this person, it's even more powerful to use it frequently and to get into the habit of programming your mind for success. And all we ask is this: if you enjoy this, you might want to check our full program on Mindvalley. And also leave a subscribe on our YouTube channel.
