181 Alissa Daire Nelson: The Power & Paradox of Vulnerability

Not even about the treasure. It's about the journey. What do you experience? Who do you meet? What do you learn? You know, what is that journey like for you? Embrace the journey and don't get all stuck on the destination. Know where you want to go. Seek that, try to figure it out. But then just be present and be in the moment and go, okay, so now what is today about? How can I move one step closer to that dream today?

That was Alyssa, Dear Nelson, and this is episode 181 of Wellness Force Radio. What's up, my friend? It's your host, Josh Trent. Welcome back to another episode for your weekly access to global experts in all things wellness. As we discover the physical and emotional intelligence we need to live life well, in this podcast, we're talking about the power and the paradox of being vulnerable. This vulnerability, the word vulnerability for so many people, brings up shortness of breath and tension and fear, especially in this modern, frenetic world. And really for the men like myself, who for decades, we're taught that feeling your feelings and emotional intelligence actually made you weak. But as we explore this paradox of not being vulnerable versus being vulnerable, the answer actually lies in the opposite of what common knowledge think and what millions of people in our country believe about being vulnerable. And we're learning about this paradox and power of vulnerability from a global expert on the subject, which, by the way, not just the men, but also the women will deeply connect with this episode on a level that you might not actually be comfortable with. This may be polarizing for you, but just go with it. Just breathe through it. We're all the same. We're learning and growing, discovering this physical and emotional intelligence together. In this episode, our new friend, Alyssa Dare Nelson, strength strategy certified coach, speaker, author, and podcast host, is joining us on Wellness Force to break down the pragmatic steps of how to be vulnerable in this modern world, as well as share moments that hit me in the chest really got me welled up on a couple points during this conversation. I know it's gonna inspire you and hit you as well to take a deeper dive into your own exploration of using vulnerability as a skill set in the modern world. Now, when it comes to this skill set, how we eat, move, sleep, how we think, feel and act, these six categories, all of them come from how in touch we are with our breath. So this is your breath break. You deserve this. Right now, in this moment, take a deep breath. Put your hands on your stomach. Let it fill with air. Push it out. It's probably the first time you've taken a deep breath all day. This breath break is brought to you by our friends over@organifi.com wellness force. Organifi is the creators of the green juice, my favorite juice now for almost a year. You know this and if you haven't tried it, it's actually a powder which saves you so much time. You know the number one reason why most people don't take in the healthy foods and micronutrients they deserve? It's because they tell themselves a BS story that it takes too much time or it's too expensive to get great nutrients in. 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Laying your clothes out at night, when you wake up in the morning, you can just get right to your run or the gym. You don't have to think about it. It seems so simple right in the moment. But sometimes, just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy. Now, when it comes to emotional intelligence, it's the same thing. We hear people say choose happiness or focus on the positive or some other spiritual bypassing claim. But what most people don't understand about vulnerability is that this is a continuum. Yes, it's true. When you get to a moment where you can choose happiness and flick it like a light switch. What most people don't realize is before you get to that moment of having the power to choose happiness or focusing what it is you truly deserve in a moment, there's so many dots to connect beforehand inside yourself. This is what allows you to become the person that is powerful enough to choose what they want in that moment from a Place of love, which is honestly all of our journeys on this planet. It's become so clear to me since I got back from Costa Rica at Rythmia. They're our real work on this planet in these meat suits is to love one another and to come from a place of our most radical truth, even when we don't want to. That's the real work, my friend. You know this on a deeper level, I know you're feeling that truth, that vibration in this moment. Alyssa Dare Nelson is giving us the practical tips around this. Using StrengthsFinder to partition the best parts of how your mind and personality work that benefit you in relationships. We explore how a psychosomatic test is a reliable method to help you learn more aspects about who you are. We talk about mom guilt, why so many female entrepreneurs and busy moms experience this, and how to get through it, and why Alyssa doesn't believe in work life balance. She actually calls it work life harmony. And for Take Homes, we'll give you those first steps from the beginning from a great place on how you can be vulnerable, both men and women today, when you're done with this podcast and how that skillset, that emotional intelligence skillset, is gonna serve you for the rest of your life. I'm pumped beyond words for you to hear this show today because the fact that you choose to be here with Wellness Force and connect deeper with yourself and all of us in the Wellness Force Family in the community page, this is the tapped in tuned on human beings that this world needs right now. So thank you for being here, doing your work and listening to the show. Make sure you connect with us in the@wellnessforce.com group. We're continuing this conversation and walking this wellness journey together. As Alyssa says, we are more connected than ever online, yet we're more isolated and lonely because we're not authentic. We let people see our vulnerable side and it actually opens us up more to people online and in real life. So now let's get real. Let's get vulnerable with Alyssa, Darren Nelson. Alyssa, welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Well, I was lucky enough to meet you in person last year, and I'm so stoked for Wellness Force, the Wellness Force to get to know you. You're a mom, you're a businesswoman, you're a podcaster. You're kind of like a Swiss army knife in our podcasting world. You do quite a bit. For so many years, Alyssa, people knew you as the voice of Maximize youe Strengths podcast. You know Being such a specialist, such a proficient person in Strengths Finder, the 1.0, the 2.0. Now pivoting to your new podcast, the Fricking Awesome Entrepreneur. But today, what I'm so excited with to talk to you about is the paradox and the power vulnerability. Like, how do we actually step into vulnerability in our lives? What's the emotional intelligence behind that? We've dabbled in this work, but just so, so grateful that you're here with us and that we get to drop in.

Yeah, well, boy, I feel lucky to even be talking about this, really. The trailblazer with the vulnerability work is Brene Brown, and she is just one of my favorite people and has done such amazing real research. And I'm a research person. Like, I need proof, right? And so her work and it just all kind of clicked because my whole thing is helping people recognize just how fricking awesome they are. And I actually had to sit with it and go, why does this work? Why does this work? And because some other people might think, oh, that's arrogant, or this or that. And I'm like, but, you know, that's not what I'm trying to say. And the whole reason is that you can stand up and with so much pride, say, I am frickin awesome without any qualms, because you also recognize you're not everything. And that's where that vulnerability piece comes in. So I'm super excited to talk about that today.

Look, running a business, it can take a toll on us. I've seen you write about this in your work, in our relationships, especially when our business partner might be our spouse, and in your case, what you've created. Just give us the quick and dirty on what you've been up to the past couple years. I mean, what even led you, by the way, to this road of strengths finder? How did you even specialize in that in the first place?

Yeah, you know, it's so funny. So I spent the first 30 years of my life wondering what was wrong with me, as I think many people have. And as I share that story, more and more people are like, oh my God, yumm, me too. You know, instead of looking at any of the positives that I now know that I bring to the table, I was always just wondering what's wrong with me. And I was so good. Like, what I was really good at was beating myself up. Like the self flagellation and just beating the tar out of myself emotionally was probably the thing I was the best at. And so when I found strengthsfinder, I Had just gone through a divorce, which is another crushing blow, right? Because that's not supposed to happen. And I was venturing into entrepreneurship, a third career. I was first a registered dietitian, went back, got another four year degree as a registered nurse, and then ventured into entrepreneurship as I got a little bit afraid about, oh my gosh, what if the nurses go on strike? What am I going to do? And I'm now a single parent, yada yada yada. Anyway, and it was in that entrepreneurial journey that somebody handed me a strengths finder book. And I was like, what's this thing like? Oh, personality test. This will be fun. And what I found in it was, oh, this is 40 years of research. This isn't just some personality test. Like, you know what Disney princess? Are you on Facebook or something?

Yes.

It's actually a psychometric. And I'm like, okay, what's a psychometric? That sounds fancy. And it means that it is reproducible. It means it's reliable statistically. It means that it doesn't matter whether you're in a good mood or a bad mood, that it will give you accurate results. And what it shows is the things that are right with you. And I was like, oh yeah, that's what I need. That is what I need. And so when I took the profile and started reading about it, and then I was like, I need to know more. Like I need to know all the things, all the things about this thing. I want to know everything. And so went on to get a certification, you know, nine month certification in the StrengthsFinder profile to help people really apply it. Because it's. Knowing that you're great is one thing, but how the heck do you actually leverage it and apply it is a whole nother thing, right?

Oh yeah. Speaking our language. Now, knowing and doing are two different things. And the bridge in the middle comes from a secret sauce that we can talk about today. You know, psychometrics, this science of measuring mental capacities, you know, how the way people think and how that affects their life. What fascinates you the most about this?

Well, I. Man, there's so much. I love science. I love science. I love proof. I think that the human brain is such a fascinating thing. You know, when we look at how we compare to animals and we have some similarities to primates obviously, but we're not right. We've got this bigger capacity and the soul and the mind, body connection and all these. I'm just purely fascinated by it. And what I've firmly come to believe is that I Don't believe that any of us are here on accident. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. That's sort of a controversial thing that I believe that I hold. I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do think that humans, a. You're like one of 2 million, right. Sperm that actually got through.

So genetic lottery.

Holler winner. Just by the fact that you were born.

Thank you.

You know, the divine or God or whatever you want to call your higher power didn't have time to make junk. Like, just didn't. So that means that there's something redeeming about you. There's something amazing about you. And I believe part of our journey is to figure out what that thing is. How do we get to contribute to our world? How do we get to contribute to our society?

I love the fact that you said we're not here on accident. God doesn't make junk. I love that. Or the universe. But also, not everything happens for a specific reason. Talk to us about that parallax.

Like a small child gets hit by a car and dies. Like, don't tell me. Don't tell me that that happened for a reason. I just. That. That. That idea that, oh, God must have a bigger plan. I don't believe that. Now, here's what I do believe. I believe out of every situation, no matter how horrific or no matter how wonderful, you can use that for the betterment of your own life and for the betterment of other people's lives. Great things can come from every situation, but you do have to choose it. It's all dependent on whether you take sort of a victim stance to it. So sometimes people do things to you and you are a victim of that act. However, you don't have to remain their victim for the rest of your life. So that's what I believe, is that looking back at a situation, you can go, okay, now what? Like, this situation wasn't my fault, but it is my responsibility to move forward from this.

I seriously just got chills when you said that because you're refracting a message. I've learned in so many different emotional intelligence trainings, so many guests we've had on the show. It's really these events, they're neutral. We can apply any meaning, Alyssa, that we want to for these events. And I think about your Life. I mean, 15 years, competitive gymnastics, clinical dietitian, registered nurse, divorce, remarriage. This is, like, not a linear path for you. Can you give us maybe looking back, something that you felt in the moment was so terrible. So just like where someone listening can connect with you, they feel like they're at the bottom of the barrel. But then now, you know, in retrospect, you realize that was such a beautiful gift.

Yeah. You know, I'm going to share my lowest point and it's still hard for me to say out loud even though this happened, gosh, eight, nine years ago. But this was before my ex husband and I had separated. I knew I was miserable, but I had no idea what to do with that. And so while I am not an alcoholic, I was drinking to numb, right. And I went out with some friends one night and I woke up with my driver's seat reclined at 4am Parked on the street in front of my house. And that is like, that's where I kind of came to. So I had drank, you know, drank so much that I didn't remember the ride home. By the grace of God, I got home safely and didn't kill anybody else. Got out of the car at 4am and stumbled up the stairs and into my house. I proceeded to pass out again on the couch and woke up the next morning puking to my 2 year old and 3 year old going, good morning mom. Wow, talk about moments of shame. Talk about a moment of guilt. Talk about, I mean, just all of it imploding. And for me realizing, holy crap, there is a huge problem here. And having to wrestle with am I an alcoholic or am I not? Like, what's going on? And that's when I dec that I needed therapy. I was like, this, something is broken here. Like this is not normal behavior. I refuse to accept that. Oh, that was just a mistake. Which is what my ex had said to me. It's no big deal. Like we all drink too much at some time. Like, you're not broken, you're not, you're fine. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. He was an adult child of an alcoholic. So that's what, that's a very common thing.

His warning flags came up.

That's right. Everything's fine. Let's just, let's just, you know, settle the waters down. Everything's fine. And I was like, no, no, no, no, I need to go to therapy. And so, and that was the beginning of my exploration as to why am I numbing everything and how do I really feel and what an excruciating journey that was. But man, well worth it.

Well worth it. The greater the cost when it comes to emotional intelligence, I found, and what I'm hearing from you is the greater the reward, the greater the richness in that discovery process. And I'm thinking about, you know, you had an episode I saw on your Facebook wall dealing with mom guilt while running a business. And it was posted by one of your listeners where it was like, look, moms who run a business that are doers worse, they sometimes deal with mom guilt. When did you start understanding what mom guilt was?

Well, so here's the thing is, you have some entrepreneurs that go into business because they want the freedom and flexibility, right? And they want to make a lot of money and work the least amount possible, right? That's kind of the dream of laptop entrepreneurs. Now, for me, that's not true. I love what I do. I love coaching. I love sharing this message. I love that spark in someone's eye when they realize, oh, my gosh, what you're telling me is true. I am actually awesome. I love what I do. And also, I love my family, right? So I have these two very passionate loves for these two different areas of my life. So very often when I am working, I'm like, thinking about my family, right? And while I'm with my family, I'm thinking about work. And I don't believe in the theory of balance, because to me, that speaks that something is winning and something is losing always, right? But I do believe in harmony. So it's. How do you get that harmony? How do you get everything sort of playing the same tune and, you know, being able to give the energy to your work and give the energy to your family, and that is. It takes a lot of communication, and it takes new strategies. It takes engaging your family, it takes engaging your clients very often and working with you and that kind of thing. But it's a. That in and of itself is a journey, right? And so where the guilt started to come in is where I was like, oh, I'm working too much. Oh, wait, I'm not with my family. Oh, you know, this and this and that. And it's like this tug of war, internal tug of war. I was like, you know, this is not unique to me. I need to share this. I need to share this, and I need to share it loud.

And this goes into our topic here. It's the power and also sometimes the paradox of being vulnerable, of actually sharing your story. People know you now, this podcast, all your work, this is global. I mean, people across the planet are being affected by you. But yet this has not been something 1, 2, 3, 4 step journey for you. And I felt that, honestly, like. Like seeing you picturing you on the couch, throwing up. And then there's your two year old looking at you with. With their eyes. And like, what did that create in your chest and your throat in order for you to walk this path of growing your emotional intelligence?

Number one, Is that what the realization in that moment was? Well, I don't know. I don't exactly know who I am, but I know this is not who I want to be, right? So I still hadn't really fully discovered, like, the greatness inside, but I knew that that was not the I wanted to set for my children. I certainly didn't want to be in a position where I was killing anybody or killing myself, because I could have left my children motherless. I could have left some. I mean, like, and even years and years and years later, there is still pain now. There's not the shame in it anymore, and there's not necessarily the guilt in it anymore, because that's not serving me, but there's still pain there that people are making these choices every day. And my hope is that even by me sharing this story, that someone goes, you know what? It's not worth it. I'm going an Uber or something, right? That lives are saved because I'm willing to share that story. But you know that that right there was the lowest of the low. And I knew that something needed to change. And I think everybody has different rock bottom, which is interesting because a rock bottom could be like, you got in a big fight with your spouse, that could be a rock bottom. And that's okay, you know, you don't have to do something awful like I did. And here's the thing, is that my rock bottom wasn't as rock bottom as many people. You know, some people lose their houses, lose their jobs, lose their families, Lo. And so everybody's rock bottom is different. But it's that moment where you decide, nope, enough's enough.

That power to make the decision is so huge. This episode is a highlight of your work, but I want to share a quick story that relates because, gosh, I just feel like we're cut from the same emotional cloth here. Alyssa. The understanding of how we make a decision in the moment where we're at our lowest, it's not always clear. And I can remember I was almost 280 pounds. I think I was like high 270's at one point. Point I'm at a party. I'm 21, I'm drinking because I wanted to numb. That was the way that I used to numb is through food as well. And I just had this lightning bolt shoot through my chest, and I just felt this message, like, I don't know what I want, but I know it's not this. And I slammed down the beer, and I ran home drunk, like, three miles. Opened up my computer. It's 2002 at this time. And I think I typed in, how do I be healthy? And that was my journey, you know, so long ago, 2012. It's like 16 years ago now, but I just made this decision, like, enough is enough. Where do you think people have to be when they go to that place of breathing into enough is enough?

I think it's so individual. And I think, you know, the more that people do things like listen to this podcast, right? When. When you're willing to actually explore, because until you're ready to see it, that's the saying goes, that when you're ready for the lesson, the teacher will appear. You have to be ready for that lesson. You have to be ready to face it. And even if you're sort of. Of feeling like a coward in facing it, like you're so afraid, but you're like, but. But I kind of want to peek around the corner. I just want to peek. Like, that can be the crack in the door that. That sets you on this journey to. To do something magnificent and different and that thing that you are actually supposed to and meant to do. And it doesn't have to be. I was talking with a client about this earlier today, actually. She's got the strength theme of competition, which is like, you know, push, push, push, sprint, sprint, sprint. Measure, measure, measure. Always has to win. And yet this dream that she has is years in the future. And she's like, I just get so tired. And I was like, yeah, it's because you're trying to sprint an ultramarathon. Like, of course you feel tired. So how about, let's break it down? Can you do one mile? Can you do a half a mile? And maybe that mile is walking, or maybe that mile is jogging, or maybe that mile, you know. You know, it doesn't have to be the finish, but you do have to take the first step in order to finish someday. And, you know, so we all. My favorite book of all time is the Alchemist, and I love that book because it's all about this boy's journey to his treasure. And his journey has all kinds of sidetracks and all kinds of awful things happen, and then some good things happen, right? But here's the thing. What he realizes is it's not even about the treasure. It's about the journey. What do you experience? Who do you meet? What do you learn? You know, what is that journey like for you? And so, you know, embrace the journey and don't get all, you know, stuck on the destination. Know where you want to go, seek that. Try to figure it out. But then just be present and be in the moment and go, okay, so now what is today about? How can I move one step closer to that dream today?

Oh, my gosh. The power and the paradox of. In a moment, I can think back to Paulo Coelho's wisdom work when he's in the village and he gets the coins stolen from him. And I'm like, oh, my God, we've all been to that moment where it's like, oh, my God, someone stole my coins. Where do I go from here? And in that moment, it's a paradox. We think, oh, gosh, we have to do this on our own. We can't reach out. We can't ask for help. We can't call in support, because then we'd be perceived as weak. But it's actually a paradox because we lose our coins when we go through a crazy threshold. That is the most powerful time to show other people around us that care about. About us that we're human. And I think this is the paradox and the power that we're exploring today. Alyssa, can you share what is your definition of true vulnerability? Let's go to this place in our conversation.

This is so exciting. And I have to say, as well, you know, in this social media world that we now live in, right, we are more connected than ever, and yet we are more isolated. We are more lonely. Business owners are lonely and isolated. They feel so alone. This is what I got. A guy just messaged me last night on Facebook saying, hey, I heard one of your episodes, and now I don't feel alone. And, like. And I started crying because I was like, yes, that's. That's the stuff. That's the stuff that we're talking about. Because not only are we putting just our highlights on, right? That's always been what's on social media is our highlights. But now our highlights are even filtered. We've got, like, these. These, you know, glossy filters. And we're. We're, you know, fixing the pictures and making our legs not so. Not so large and making sure we have the thigh gap and all this other garbage, right? Everything is not even just the highlights. They're. They're edited highlights, right? And so people feel even less than and compare even more and go oh, my gosh. And up here, you know, I'm pointing to my forehead right now. Cerebrally, we know that that is the highlight. However, we get even more afraid about saying, but I. I have this challenge, right? And here's the irony, is that we, when we share our challenges, all of a sudden we connect with people. And so it's okay to say, I am fricking awesome. And it's also okay. And guess what? Even good for your business or for your life or for any kind of relationship or connection to say, but I'm not everything. And you know what? I'm going to show up at the best of me. Can you show up with the best of you? Because there's parts of you that I need. Can you help me? Me, Right? And what that does is it builds human connection. And when you can build human connection, now your clients are knocking on your door because they're going, hey, you're real. You're not going to judge me. You're going to help me, because I can see that you're real. So there's this whole authenticity buzzword, right? And people are spouting their knowledge, they're spouting their opinions, and they're saying it's all because of authenticity. But here's the thing, is that they're just spouting what they feel confident about, right? So authenticity is only honesty if it doesn't have the air of vulnerability, which is, hey, I'm not everything.

This authenticity piece, too, it only comes across when it feels real. People know. Haven't we all felt in our stomach when we're talking to somebody, it's like, yeah, I like the words they're saying, but I just don't trust them. This is because this skill set of vulnerability, it's not being taught in schools, it's definitely not being taught in corporations. It's not a narrative that we see across our world. Yet we do see Brene Brown and Alison Armstrong and this podcast and what you do and what men and women get to talk about. This is why we're going there today. It's not always comfortable, Alyssa, to go to this space of what's my deepest truth and what am I willing to change? Circling to the definition, it's capable or susceptible of being wounded or hurt, as by way weapon. There's also a Latin phrase where it connects to a bridge. And I think that's so funny that the etymology of vulnerability and how it's actually a bridge from one place to another goes to the first two minutes we talked about this. The bridge between knowing and doing. What would you say in a few sentences is your definition of vulnerability?

Yeah, thank you. And I, I promise I was going to circle back to the actual question.

Like, just answer the question, one podcast host to another.

So I believe that the definition of vulnerability is simply saying, I have challenges too, and this is what they are. Now, I think there's a difference between sort of airing your dirty laundry, right, and sharing some vulnerabilities. I believe when you share a vulnerability, there is a purpose of connecting, there is a purpose of solution oriented talk rather than just sort of complaining and being like, oh, I suck. Like, that's not vulnerability. You know, going out there and saying how much you suck and saying, you know, everything in my life is falling apart. Like, okay, but like, do you want something different? Like, is there any way for us to have a conversation about this? Can you, can we help? Like, what's going on there? Right? So to me, that, that vulnerability needs to have a purpose. And that's, you know, certainly as we're sharing publicly, sometimes you're with a girlfriend or you're with a, with a guy friend and, and you're just like, hey, I, I'm having this challenge, I don't know what to do. Like that, that's great vulnerability, but the relationship is different.

See, I like that you said solution oriented too, because, you know, this purpose of connection, this bridge of authenticity through vulnerability, it also can come in moments where we're not thinking about how we're being vulnerable. It's not like you have to plan out your vulnerability, right? Like you either adapt the skill set to be truly vulnerable or people can, can tell that you're not being real.

Right? And it is scary. I mean, being vulnerable is scary. I, I had a, you know, my heart started thumping in my chest when I told the story about me drinking, driving, because I know that there is absolutely a chance that someone listening is going to go, wow, she sucks. Like, what a terrible person. She is an awful human being, right? And that they're going to judge me. So there is this always this little bit of fear. Like, I hope that people hear my heart. I hope people hear my message that I didn't think this was okay. I'm not saying this is okay and it's scary share, but hopefully in my sharing purpose, right, that there is some good outcome from it. So to me, there, there does need to be a purpose for the sharing. And sometimes that purpose is simply connection and empathy and saying, hey, I understand it's compassion in building that, that Relationship like, oh, now you're human. You're not just some like picture on a wall. You're actually human. And, and humans connect with human humans. That's just how it is.

That's why we're here on the planet.

That's why we're here on the planet.

This bridge that connects us. When we're less human to one another, we think we have to do it on our own. And I've heard this about the lone wolf analogy when we were talking with Mark Devine. It's like the only way that SEAL teams, the only way that any team or anyone that's creating a mission that's bigger than themselves ever succeeds is if they grow this skill set, this edge of vulnerability and emotional intelligence. My curiosity is pinged here, here because we look at these psychometrics and your specialty in strengths finder. Your top five strengths. Futuristic.

Woo.

Positivity, activator and strategic. How many actual strengths are there? How do these plug into us growing that skill set for our emotions and vulnerability?

That is a great question. So there are 34 identified strength themes and what we say now there are some strengths coaches that believe you have all 34. I think that there are, there are more that you have access to. So sure, just like well water, like there is water deep down but you gotta dig like 3,000ft sometimes for it. Right. So that's kind of your 34th of 34 strengths is the one you have to dig so hard for. And there's just so much effort there. Your top 15 or so are the ones that you lean into every day and your top five are your easiest buttons. So as we talk about leveraging our strengths, that's what we're talking about. It's not that. So my number 34 is one called consistency, which is all about, you know, routine and following the same plan kind of every day. And like that sounds amazing but I have a really like, I don't even floss my teeth and brush my teeth in the same order. Like sometimes I'll floss my teeth if I feel like I got something and.

Then I'll go ahead and brush it. Okay.

Right. So I don't. The routine of it isn't, isn't something that comes naturally to me. Now I can beat myself up because. And force myself into that consistency or I can use another strength that I have easier access to. That's going to give me energy, that's going to be fun, that's going to, you know, again, just be easier for me to use instead. Right. So I'll use my strategic. And my strategic says, okay, well if I floss my teeth first, then I can go over here and I can. Right. And I can kind of create a plane around it. So I can get to consistency by using strategic. And where I actually use that the most is I wear a uniform five days a week. I have office out of my home, but I wear the same thing. It's a long sleeve T shirt with a short sleeve logo, T shirt over top and black leggings. That's what I wear every single day. And it takes away this, oh my gosh, what am I going to wear? Who am I going to see, Blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I was wasting so much time in my morning doing that. So strategically I wanted to make have a more productive morning. So I got to consistency through strategic.

That's so interesting that you wear a uniform at home. Is that because of your top five? I love that you broke it down 34. Some people think there's more, but you believe there's 34. And then 15 we kind of lean into, but then there's five that we really recognize as one of our strengths. And one of them is strategic. Is that the strategic thing where you wear the uniform at home?

Totally is. And it's. For me, it's a matter of decreasing the number of choices so that I can focus on what's important to me.

I feel like the application of decision fatigue really fits in our conversation here. Brendan Bouchard talks about this. Many neuroscientists can recognize. We only have so much that we can load the brain up with. Right. And this is why Steve Jobs wore the same turtleneck, black turtleneck every day. It's also why we understand decision fatigue as being about 150 decisions throughout the day. High tension decisions. You're literally cutting out like five decisions about what you're going to want wear.

Yeah. And I mean, it's so silly, right? Like, I work out of my home, I could literally wear anything I want. And I was spending, you know, like 20 minutes trying to pick out what I was going to wear. What a dumb thing, right? So I was like, all right, I'm enough of this. I'm not going to do this. I'm going to actually be more strategic about this. So, oh my gosh.

You know, people can go and take tests at strengths finder, but you also have something we're going to talk about at the end of the podcast. And it's the fourth thing, things you believe that we can understand about why we're unique. What sets us apart. It's an E Workbook. So check into wellnessforce.com radio right now. Just click on your iPhone. Go there. Alyssa, I want to talk about the podcast. Why the shift? Why did you pivot from StrengthsFinder as being your core ethos? Is that still your core ethos? What are you all about now?

You know, I really struggled with whether to pivot again with Maximize youe Strengths or to launch a brand new podcast. Podcast. I started Maximize youe Strengths because when I was out networking and talking to people about Strengths Finder and this thing that was geeked out, passionate about people like, oh, yeah, I took that. I don't know, I don't know what it was. Whatever. Didn't do anything. It's collecting dust. I'm like, oh my gosh, this can change your life. And so I started Maximize youe Strengths as a passion project to help people understand. Now you've got your top five. What do you do with it? So what I discovered after a hundred, one hundred and eighteen episodes and trying to pivot and, you know, fit my square peg into a round hole is that I was very much like a construction foreman with a podcast about a hammer. And while I wanted to teach everyone all the best ways to use that hammer, it was only part of what I did as a coach. And so the frickin awesome entrepreneur allows me the space to actually do what I do. So the frickin awesome entrepreneur is actually primarily live coaching. So my guests come on and we talk about all the things that make them so frickin awesome. And then we talk about a real life challenge. Right? So that vulnerability is built into the podcast. And the cool thing is, is that these guests that come onto my show, what they're realizing is, huh, I'm actually more connected to the audience because they see me as real. Right? And we've already spent a lot of time highlighting all the things that make them so freaking awesome. And that just draws people to them even more. So, you know, people typically guest on podcasts to build their business, right? And so at first people are like, oh, I don't know if I really want to share any kind of challenge I'm having because I just. Because I just want to market. Right?

Yeah.

And what the irony is that this is actually the best marketing. And so it allows us to coach through that and allows me to actually highlight what I do with clients. So it's been a win, win. And yet I didn't want to be always on the expert side. Right. Because this is What I'm talking about. It's like, it's important for all of us to model vulnerability. And so that's where the real life episodes come in. And that's the one you were mentioning about the Mom Guild is I get to be on the other side of the coaching table, and I bring on special guests. And for the Mom Guild episode, my special guest. My. My guest coaches were my two daughters who are 10 and 11. And guess what? On the podcast, we came up with strategies that are helping our family to. To work even more synergistically, and it was amazing. We came up with those live on the episode. And I couldn't have asked for anything better. Right. Like, your. Your coaches are the people around you, the people you're involved with. And so it was important for me to model that vulnerability. Vulnerability on the show as well, by occasionally getting on the other side of the table and being the coachee and sharing my own vulnerabilities.

You noticed, even when we were talking, it was like I had a double clutch before I shared my story about running home drunk. It's like, it's still hard to talk about my vulnerability, but, gosh, we just get to do it anyways because there is some gold at the end of this. I'd love to go tactical, too, because there's people listening across the gamut. Alyssa, there's some. Somebody who's just starting this journey of understanding the power and the paradox of vulnerability. There's somebody who's along the path. Maybe they've already read Alison Armstrong. They've seen you. They understand that in some way when they speak their truth, even if it's uncomfortable, there's so much strength in it. There's so much power in it. Take us to that person who's just beginning. How do they breathe into the beginning process of using vulnerability and being in a space where they just do it, even if it's scary.

The primary place that I've learned to step into that vulnerability is from Brene. She's amazing. So, number one is shame only lives in silence. That thing that you're ashamed about, find somebody that you can share it with. You don't have to get onto a podcast and share your lowest moment like I just did. Right. Like, I had nine years of processing, therapy, and all sorts of other things to go through before that was ever going to be a story I was going to share publicly. This doesn't have to be something that you put on Facebook. Like, in fact, don't do it there. Don't do it there. Go find a friend that you trust that you know loves you and share that thing that is really hard to share. Right. Shame only lives in silence. So that would be the place that I would encourage people to start. And then here's another Brene tactic. It's called an sfd. So the kid version is stormy, first draft. Can I swear, Josh? Is that okay?

Absolutely.

Okay, so the adult version is your shitty first draft. Okay. So your shitty first draft sounds like, hey, the story I have in my head is right. So you're owning your lens. You're owning your perspective. There's no blaming that's going on there. So let's say you get in an argument with your business partner or an argument with your spouse, and you're just really angry, right? So what you can say is, hey, you know, the story I'm telling myself in my head right now is that you don't care at all about my opinion and you're just going to steamroll me. That's the story I'm telling myself in my head. Right? So while you're getting out, what is really inside you, you're owning. I recognize this as my lens because what we know about the truth is that there's three sides to every story, right? There's your side, there's somebody else's side, and then there's the actual truth. And so by owning that this is my lens, this is the story that I have going on in my head, it opens up conversation. And so when that conversation happens in a nonjudgmental, curious place, and this is where if you can replace judgment and curiosity can't live in the same space. So if you get curious about what's going on with the other person. Person. Right. Then you're not going to be judging them at that time. Yeah. And so that provides an opportunity to really open communication and just say, hey, I'm curious. Can you tell me, can you help me understand what you're saying here? Can you help me understand where you're coming from? Because we all see through our own lens, and that's one of the things that I teach my clients about their strength themes, is that because of how you're hardwired, you going to naturally see through one lens. Now, we can spend lots of time reframing, but here's the fact of the matter is that if you and I, Josh, are standing back to back, I might be seeing mountains and you might be seeing ocean. Right. We're in the exact same spot, but we're seeing it totally different.

I just Had a download, right? Here it goes. Alignment with what you're saying, Alyssa. It's Mike Bundren. He's the founder of INLP Center. Episode 118. Of course. Fresh perspective on self sabotage. This narrative, like, you and I are looking at the same ocean back to back. But it's whatever evidence we've collected up to that point that actually allows us to see through our lens. That's what you're talking about.

That's right. And so how amazing if you could say, hey, hey, Alyssa, what do you see? And I'm like, oh, I gotta see mountains, and I see snow caps, and, you know, the clouds are just kind of coming down and wow, like, the sun is coming in and it's shining on the side of the mountain. It's amazing. You're like, huh, that's interesting. Hey, Josh, what do you see? Well, gosh, I see ocean and I see, like, this most beautiful sunset. It's crazy. It's like purple and pink and. Right. Like, imagine if we can get together and share that lens together. What a bigger picture we have. And now I don't have to judge that. Like, are you nuts? You don't see mountains? Like, are you blind? Right. No. Okay, so you just see something different. And so it expands. And this is where the strengths conversation is such a beautiful one, is that if you can replace that judgment with, hey, I know if I'm wired uniquely, then this person is too. Which means that we're naturally going to have a different lens. So now I can give up the judgment as to why you don't see it my way and just say, hey, tell me what you see. Right? And we get curious. And now our conversation is abundant. It is open, and it is a starting ground instead of. Instead of a battleground.

I just want everyone to take this in here that Alyssa said, judgment, curiosity cannot live in the same room. Like, there's just not enough space for them. So this curiosity piece, it can actually be. And I think for my own life, it's been the only way I've survived. The minute I stop being curious, it is my downfall. It starts to atrophy my relationships. If I stop being curious about our wellness and our health and our emotions and our fitness. Like, if I'm not curious, Alyssa, I perish. And I think that's a huge takeaway from this lacing of the strengths finder with emotional intelligence and vulnerability, tying these together. How do you see this unfolding in our future here? We have a narrative in the media right now, and it's like, put some dirt on it, get back out there. Don't feel your feelings. Men that cry are wussies. How do you see this unfolding from your perspective and all your work?

Work? See, I love this question because my, my top strength is futuristic. So one of my, one of my gifts is being able to see, to vision, cast, and to see this beautiful, amazing future. So it may not happen in my lifetime, and that is okay because again, like, a journey of a thousand years starts with one step. So. But this is, this is what I see is that we reconnect as a culture, that we can reconnect as entrepreneurs, that entrepreneurs no longer feel like they have to be, quote, unquote independent. They have to wear all the hats, that they have to be well rounded, that we realize, I have beautiful things to bring, and you do, too. And now instead of dimming our light because we don't want to be too arrogant, we want to be humble, right? So we dim our light instead of doing that. That we all shine brighter and that we all come together and, and have this abundance because there really is enough to go around. I was listening to. What is it? The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F. Right. Do you know this, this book? I think it's Mark Manson.

I love that you're not cussing. It's. You're so polite. You could totally go there. It's Mark Manson's the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I think he probably is the most censored person in the world in media.

So funny. So funny. So I'm listening and he's hysterical. But one thing he says in the book that I just, I can't help but to bristle back against is he said, you know, hey, everybody, from Oprah to this person to that person says that everybody is capable of greatness. And that's just baloney. And I'm like, you know what? It's not everybody is capable of greatness. It's who's willing to do the work to get to actually reach their greatness. So greatness is there for the taking for every single one of us. It's who's willing to do the work to actually get there.

Well, I know people listening are. And I know they're feeling you right now, because I am. I mean, this is our audience. They're curious for what you're talking about, which it's the most thirsty, most unquenched thirst out there is for people that actually can have the power to speak their truth.

So identifying first what makes you fricking awesome. And then going, hey, and now that I've recognized this, I recognize that I also have some gaps to fill. And those gaps get filled by processes or people, period. Right. So instead of trying to fill the gaps yourself, why don't you just do more of what you're great at? And I know this sounds easy, and there's definitely, this is why I have a job. Because this is not. This is not the easiest thing in the world. But imagine if we lived in a world where we all believed we are perfectly lopsided. This is my vision for the future, that we all recognize we are perfectly lopsided. And tomorrow we can be a better version of ourselves. And the next day we can be an even better version of ourselves. And we can give up this idea that we have to be like this other person or like this other person that we can actually just be. Be us.

Just coming back home to ourselves, I feel like, is the greatest mission. Tony Robbins, Joseph Campbell, however you want to describe it, it's like we're all doing the best we can, and sometimes we veer off the path of just our soul's message, what we're actually here for. This honestly, returning of the soul, it sometimes takes years or decades. Alyssa, and you've done such a great job of telling us what are the pragmatic steps we can do. We'll link everything in the show. Notes here about this power and paradox of vulnerability. I have three questions for you. For the Wellness Force family, they're just three real quick questions. The first one is, what do you do personally to generate more energy in your life?

So I spent like five or six years sort of post divorce on being kind of sedentary. And I'm a little embarrassed to say, but I kind of just let my health go a little bit. And so I decided, you know what, I'm a goal oriented person. I need a goal. And so what I chose to do was sign up for a bodybuilding competition, which clearly took some training. So I am now training six days a week on a very, very strict meal plan. And ironically, so it took me about six weeks, and now it's actually giving me energy. So the first six weeks, not so much, but I work out every single day, both lifting and cardio, and it actually energizes me for the day. So that's one of the things. And then snuggling with my kids is another.

And that's a great one too, because that's. That gives you energy just the same. It's like I'll just Share here too. Like, as I've done the growth path for Wellness Force, the one thing that I do a lot is work alone. And so I get to be really mindful of, like, how much human physical touch I get in my life. That's such a great point. Thank you for bringing that up. The second one is what have you done? And currently maybe you're experiencing as an edge to let go of old weight. We know that lipid storage and body weight is such a clear bridge between our emotions and our physical practice. What are you up to now in regards to this? Or is that something that's just in the past that you've gotten through?

No. So right now I'm right about 15% body fat. I started this training for this bodybuilding competition up towards 20%. So I am in this shed and in order to be stage ready, I'll need to be down between 8 and 10% body fat, which is not just for the record. I know it's not a healthy weight to maintain, but that's why you get it for stage and then and then regain after that. So I am actually doing this process right now. And so I am on a very strict meal plan and what I've done is take decision out of that. So my trainer actually builds me a meal plan and I follow it to a T. At first it was really hard because you recognize all of the food habits that you have. I was like, oh my gosh, like, where are these coming from? And so I had to go back and reread the Power of Habit by Charles Duke Hig. And so this is the edge. I'm not kidding you, this is my edge is the power of habit. Recognizing what our habit loops are when it comes to what foods we choose and what beverages we choose. Because there are so many cues. If we recognize our cues and we recognize the the outcome we're looking for, then all we have to do is change the behavior in the interim and we can recreate that habit. It. It's fascinating stuff.

I love his work so much. I wrote him like three, probably three emails a month for a year. And finally he was like, josh, we'll get back to you. So at some point we're going to have him on this podcast because a lot of his work and Nir Eyal's work and Gretchen Rubin's work and Melissa Hartwig's work, it's like we get to know why we do things so that we can understand and have this power to change. The last question is about wellness. It's Obviously integral, mind, body, spirit, physical and emotional. What is wellness to you, Alyssa, as a mom, business owner, podcaster, how do you see wellness in your. You define that.

Okay, I'm going to be really simple. Wellness to me, at the end of the day is peace. It's peace and it is. It's joy. And so, you know, complacency is not the same thing as contentedness. But if you're content and you're happy and you're peaceful, that to me, is wellness. And so as a very goal oriented, driven person, it is something that on a daily basis, I have to practice, like gratitude for this moment, for my body in the exact shape it's in, even though I know I'm not completed with my. With my training, right. That I've always have business goals. But I'm grateful and happy at the place I'm at right now. That, to me, is wellness. And in order to get in that place, my mind, body, and spirit all have to be in alignment.

Man, I just got so light when you described your vision for not only masculine, feminine, what this world really needs right now, but your definition being peace. How does that apply to everyone? All of our human experience, it's so universal, this message of peace. It's, I think, what we're all striving for. So I just want to recognize you, I just want to acknowledge how rad it was to do this podcast with you. I mean, I had no idea how it was going to go. I knew that you were a podcaster yourself. We met in person, but I just want to honor this work of digging in for the truth on a continuous basis. You're sharing about the couch moment with the alcohol, and then everything that you're doing to help others in the world. Just thank you so much for what you do do in the personal development, the wellness space. Like, your voice is part of that change that we're all working towards.

Thank you. And you know what? It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes all of our voices. I firmly believe that. So thank you for doing the work you're doing.

Dare to succeed. D a I r e 2. The number 2 succeed.com wellnessforce is where you can get the workbook. Tell us about the workbook.

Yeah. So the four things that I believe and backed by science, you know, make you uniquely you are. Well, you know, I'm not even gonna explain them. They're four things. It's just four things, you guys.

It's four things. Just download the guide.

Just download the guide. And I walk you through how to put down in black and white what makes you uniquely you so that you can own it and step into it. So it's not enough to just know it. Now I'm gonna ask you, after you discover those four things, step into it. Take some action. Even if those are little tiny cautious baby steps, take some action. So yeah daretosucceed.com wellnessforce and just remember that dare is D A I R E the number two.

Alyssa, thank you for coming on the show. Such a joy.

Thank you.

Hey my friend, thank you for hanging out and growing with me on today's show. Remember to hit subscribe Share this podcast with somebody you care about that you think gets to hear this message. Support the show by leaving a five star review for the podcast right now simply by tapping on your show artwork on your iPhone, click that purple link that says Review this podcast. It helps the show reach more conscious and smart people like you and your voice will attract more world class guests that want to come on the show. So let them hear your voice. For all the downloads, videos, links and free resources mentioned on the episode go to wellnessforce.com radio and while you're at my house on the web, join us in the Wellness Force Community newsletter on that page and also send you four free guides around staying healthy with your eating, moving and sleeping while you travel. Join a group of people like you over at the Wellness Force Community Facebook page. This is where we talk about the things that really matter. We share our wins, inspirations, struggles and a lot more. So join us, tap on the show artwork on your phone and hit that purple link that says Join the Facebook group and I will welcome you at the door. Okay, now you get to go out into your world and create impact for the people that you care about. So until I see you again real soon, I'm wishing you love and wellness.