224 Kim Seltzer: The Charisma Quotient

How I define style IQ is the ability to present oneself in a congruent way that really creates a comprehensive picture that reflects the real and the best you. And here's what I tell people who have some, like, pushback and resistance to it is that this isn't about changing who you are. It's about marketing yourself so that people get to know who you are. And sometimes there's an incongruency with the message you're sending with your clothes and who you are as a person. And so if you knew that there were a few tweaks you could make with your shirt line or your collar or the colors that you wear that made a difference in the way that people related to you, why wouldn't you do it? I mean, 55% of your dating success can be increased just based on the clothes you wear. I mean, how crazy is that? Why wouldn't you?

That's Kim Seltzer, and this is episode 224 of Wellness Force Radio. What's up, my friend? It's your host, Josh Trent. And welcome back to another episode for your weekly access to global experts in all things wellness. As we discover the physical and emotional intelligence we need to live life well. In this episode, we talk about one of the most important, yet overlooked ingredients in the recipe for success. However you personally define success, this directly relates to money, relationships, and opportunities we attract into our lives. This frequency of being otherwise known as charisma. We're learning about this from today's guest, world renowned speaker Kim Seltzer, an expert in the fields of confidence, charisma, and human connection, where she reveals the scientific proof that image really does matter, how a makeover boosts your confidence, and how to get out of paralysis analysis. Now, before we get into the show, I want to take a breath here and thank you from the bottom of my toes to my teeth for the hundreds of direct messages and emails and social media thread about my recent personal breakdown and breakthrough. Honestly, where the show is going right now is a different path. We've been through so much in 200 shows in three years, my friend. It can be scary being in a platform and speaking our deepest truth. And I'm raising my hand right now. And so I wrote that on the email to you and I was really enamored and humbled by the response. You know, it can be scary and liberating and exciting all wrapped into one package for any of us, especially myself, to go down this path of discovering my own physical and emotional intelligence and then share that with the world and the reality is I've been holding back because of that little critic in the brain called fear. And we all can relate to this because opening the door to every single thing that we as a human being are embodying, are learning, are going through is scary. It's not something that comes easily and especially with me. One of my core lessons here on Planet Earth is releasing insecurity and stepping into leadership, which I'm smiling right now because I can look back over these past three years. If you've been with us since, since the beginning in 2015, we have come so far. I'm so proud of what we've created and we're not going anywhere. But as I talked about in our email newsletter, we will together be choosing a different path where we're focused on quality rather than just quantity. And I know you're going to love the flavor and the rawness of what Wellness Force is going to bring you from now on. So every Tuesday we're blending the physical and the emotional from experts in our wellness world and we have a lot of exciting guests coming up. So thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for supporting our community online in conversations in our Wellness Force group in the email newsletter. It's been humbling and heart opening to say the very least. So consider this a hug and a high five through the microphone as together we shed this layer of our past skin and step into the next level of what Wellness Force as a collective gets to be now coming up right now on the show. This podcast was compelling for a multitude of reasons like did you know that our choice in clothing is an expression of our own unique and authentic self, which, presented truthfully, can be a barometer for success. And science shows this to us in research as Kim talks about today where we explored the three Cs that Kim has crafted. Cut, color and confidence in clothes. Why changing your style is actually a way for people to get to know who you authentically are. How emotional intelligence is parallel to the care we put into the presentation of ourselves. And when it comes to style and expression, Kim has created a way of operating called the Charisma quotient. This amalgam of doing our inner work, our outer work inside the triad of physical and emotional and spiritual. So by the end of the show, you'll learn how to rebound from confidence breaking events, how to weed through relationships that serve you or pull you away from your purpose. Why you don't actually have to spend a ton of money to change your style, how you can do it on the cheap and for all the parents out there. We also talk about helicopter parenting, this epidemic, why it actually lowers confidence in children. So if you've been curious how to change your style to reflect more of actually authentically who you really are, this is the show for you. You'll learn how it plugs into your own unique wellness journey in detail. You can go over the Wellness Force website now to get all the show notes and videos and links mentioned on the podcast today. Just hop to wellnessforce.com224. Let Kim know on social and online that you heard her message about the charisma quotient here on Wellness Force. Now let's drop in with Kim Seltzer. So charisma and emotional intelligence, they kind of dance together on the same dance floor. I think for so long, many people have considered like, you're either born with charisma or maybe it's something you develop. And we're going to have an expert about this on the podcast today, Kim Seltzer, who I've gotten the pleasure, and I say pleasure because I really love the kind of work she puts out. It's, you know, everything from personal styling to therapy, which is her background, as well as the way that we use language, the power of language to help women and also men improve their dating lives. So, Kim Seltzer, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you. So good to be here.

You know your brand, I know you online as the charisma quotient. Let's start this off right at the bottom of the ocean. We swim in here. How would you actually define charisma? There's a lot of ambiguity around that phrase.

I know. And people use it really, like, kind of loosely. Right. And I mean, here's the thing that's interesting about charisma, and you kind of alluded to it, is that I find it fascinating because no one is born with charisma. Right. And this is what research backs up and why I love it and why I love teaching it. Because it's something that everybody can learn. No one is born with it. And there's components of charisma that the way I break it down that I really find so powerful in creating connection with people. But overall, I mean, I call charisma a compelling magnetism and attractiveness that just draws people to you. Because when you have that kind of likability factor and attractiveness, I mean, the world is your oyster. I mean, you know what I mean? The opportunities are limitless.

Cam, I love this so much because even when we look at the work of Jordan Peterson, And a lot of behavioral psychologists we've had on the show, we understand that when it comes to a social hierarchy, people that have higher levels of charisma, they tend to be more successful. Would you say that's true based on your research and your world that you play in?

Oh, bingo. And I always tell people this, and especially, like, you know, I work a lot, obviously, in the single world, helping people meet each other and with networking and with social confidence and all of that. And when I tell people all the time, it's not as important of what you know, but how someone feels around you. And all the research backs up is that when somebody is likable and approachable and magnetic, it supersedes all your knowledge, like just intellectually in terms of what you know. You know what I mean? Like, you can really get by with the way that you make people feel and how you feel around them.

You're passionate about this because not only do you have, you know, 10 plus years, how many years have you been a therapist or when did your background start at that point?

Yeah, 10 plus years. I mean, back in the day when I lived in Chicago and I had this like, good girl life, as I call it, with the picket fence and the leave it to beaver life. I say, in Chicago. Well, so I thought at the time, but now I look back, I'm like, no, it really wasn't.

It's so cold out there in Chicago.

It was so cold.

You came out to California. And this is why I believe that people trust you, Kim, is because not only do you have the academia and everything behind you, but you've gone through the thresholds. Like, this is not someone who's just had, like the fairytale lifestyle here. It was actually after you'd been a therapist for a decade that you moved to California and you actually got kind of blindsided with leaving a marriage, which must have shocked the crap out of you.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Can we just talk about that? Because this is really the crust of, you know, my passion, of why I do what I do and why I love people so much and helping people. Because that is so true. Like, I, you know, yes, I have blonde hair and blue eye, but I'm not an LA girl by heart. I'm a Chicago girl, which I always joke. It gives me a little bit of legitimacy, you know, I'll just say that. But no, it was true. Like, I had this kind of, you know, life, and I thought that was what my life was going to be. The husband, the traditional job of being a therapist, the Kids, the dogs, the picket fence. We all pick up, we move to La La land. And that's when the record stopp, so to speak, right? And I always joke, we did what all the other people here did. We get a divorce. I'm joking. Obviously, there are other issues. But, like, when we landed here, I think all the issues surfaced, right? And there I was like. And you know, when you look ahead of you and there's this kind of fork in the road, and you can go one way or you can go another, but I have to tell you, I was going down the very dark path, and my clothes reflected it. And this is why, like, I got into the whole transformation, because I went through my own transformation.

I think at one point you even mentioned that you had Birkenstocks and kind of like a frumpy T shirt in one of your videos.

Honey, if you saw. If you saw me back then, you wouldn't even recognize me. I had these, like, yeah, oversized mommy clothes still, some maternity clothes and nursing bras. And mind you, I was not pregnant any longer. And. But, you know, it was a metaphor for how I felt. I felt stuck. I could not get out of my own way. And look, here's the thing. And it's a little bit of like, what you do, too. I had a great support system. I mean, I went through therapy, I had counseling, I had so many friends lift me up, and I was talked out to death, to be honest. Like, I analyzed everything, but I was still heading down that dark path until one day I woke up and I decided, I kid you not, I look in the mirror and I did not like what. I hated what I saw. And I went shopping. This is where the whole style intelligence comes in, right? So I go shopping. I'm pulling all the same clothes again, of course, black and probably three sizes too big. And I go into the dressing room and there's a knock on the door. And it was the personal shopper. She was watching me, and she said, ma', am, you know, I thought maybe you would want to try on this. And she holds up this red dress. And I said, that is so sweet of you, but that is so not my size. And that's really not my color. And she said, honey, that is your size. That is your color. Try it on. Just like that. I said, okay. And so I begrudgingly slipped it on. And like Cinderella, I turn around, I look in the mirror, and oh, my God, she was right. But you know what? I hadn't seen myself in so long that I hadn't Seen her, I couldn't believe it until I viscerally felt and saw something different. And this is really, this is where kind of my new business was born. Because I realized the power of the outer and the inner. And that there's a symbiotic relationship between the two and that you have to really cultivate both in order to feel confident, in order to feel whole and to take action so that you can start feeling changes.

Kim, like what you did. I just wanna pause for a moment here so this lands for everyone. We all can relate to having something completely fall head over heels, love someone, and then it stops. And then we see this. People go to the grocery store, they're wearing like pink polka dotted pants and a striped orange shirt. And we're like, did they just give up? Did they literally just give up? And Kim, like you could have chosen to give up. Like what inside you? What was the fire inside you? To not give up and to literally renew your self, to become this coach. I mean, there's a big bridge there we could explore.

I know I always say we are our own best teachers, right? And. Cause if you were to ask me 15 years ago if I would be doing what I'm doing now, I'd be like, no, I would never, never in a million years dream that I'm doing this. But again, it was my own story and my own transformation. And to be honest, it was that show, what not to Wear that really got me. Do you remember that show?

No, what was that? Was it the 90s or 2000s?

Oh my God. All right, for those of you who don't know, it was a makeover show. And there was these two people who would ambush people on the streets and they would make them over. And I remember as I was going through my transformation, nursing my babies, I'm like watching this show, I'm like, you know what? Those people are happy. I wonder if that sticks. I had this vision that, well, okay, just because you make someone over, does it really have sticking power? Yeah. And so. But then I realized with myself that it really did. It really did. It started with that red dress and then it just kept going like rolling moss. And I kept collecting tools along the way. And it wasn't perfect, I gotta be honest. Like, I stumbled a lot and I fell down a lot and I made a ton of mistakes, but that's what made me stronger. You asked how did I keep going? I think we all have choices. Is the bottom line is that we can stay in the ball and stay stuck and stay in victim Mode. That's where I was before in that dark path. But I decided to go in a different path and use my adversity as gifts, to keep going and to build on it so that I could not only help myself, but then eventually help others. And that's what fed me. And then I had these two beautiful children at home that I had to feed. Right. And so how old were your kids.

When the divorce actually happened?

Oh, they were young. They were. Let's see, my oldest was two and a half, and my other one was eight months.

Oh, my God, that must have been so intense.

It was intense. It was intense. But again, that's what drove me, too, because I felt like, in my mind, I didn't have a choice. And it's funny because, like, you just asked me, a lot of people say, how did you do it? You were so brave at the time. I didn't. I didn't think of that. Like, I saw that boot camp that you went through, and I was watching you in that video.

Oh, the seal fit. The 20X.

Yeah, the seal fit. And it's like, you know, when you're in the trenches, you don't think about. You're just thinking about surviving, Right? And I think that's exactly what I was in the moment. I wasn't looking back, and I wasn't looking forward. I was right there on the ground.

Wow, this is, like, so incredible, because in these moments of almost inflection, right, there can be that voice of victim mentality, and then there also can be a voice of like, you know what? I'm scared, but I'm gonna move forward anyways. Like, how scary is that, Kim? Clients that you work with, people, men and women, listening, like, when we have a relationship that ends. I remember how I felt. It's been two and a half years since I've been in a relationship, right? And I'm just now, after two years, really loving myself, really taking the inspired action to put myself out there. Let's start with this topic, trust, we'll talk about in a moment, because I noticed you're a certified style coach, which is fascinating to me. I don't even know what that is. But let's talk about the trust piece. Because so many people, they can't trust that there's a man or a woman out there for them if they don't first trust themselves. That inner trust work, how have you personally done that?

Yeah, well, I'll tell you, and I'll tell you a little bit of the personal stuff, but also just being a Therapist knowing what that's about. So a lot of times when people don't trust themselves, it's because they've had some sort of trauma or negative experience where people were either let down, abused, something shocking happened where they learned not to trust, or maybe they were highly criticized growing up. And so fast forward, how that translates is that then people, they almost feel like they can't trust themselves in their decisions because history has it, made poor decisions in the people that they chose, right? And so then you stay stuck, you stay frozen, because you'd rather stay alone or in a cocoon than get hurt again. And so the wall starts building. This is where you see that guard going up, Right? And I have to say, in terms of trust for me, you asked about me. What's interesting is that I never lost the trust for me. For me. And I think I actually chalk it up to my wonderful parents and a lot of the support that I got. Even though things went sour and I could have gone there, I never lost trust in men or myself, but I definitely lost confidence. And I feel like there's a difference between the two.

God, that's so good. Let's explore that. Can we just for a moment, the trust and the confidence teeter taught her.

They totally teeter totter. And I think people confuse the two, because the way I define confidence is experience, is exposure. I don't believe that there's one person out there who is not confident. Because when I'm working with clients, my first question is, what part of your life do you feel confident? And everybody has one area in their life where they do feel confident. Why? Because they. They've gained experience. They got reinforced for it. So, for instance, you may not feel, like, confident in love and relationship, but boy, do you know your trade and your career. And you can do it with your eyes closed. Why? Because you did it over and over and over again, and you got good at it, so you're confident. And so, like, for me, when I went through the divorce and here I am, I got married young, and then I'm like, landing on a new planet, and I'm looking at these aliens called men you, and I'm like, oh, my God, like, who are they? I suddenly became a very low confident person in this area. And I consider myself a pretty confident person overall. And I. And I thought I was before, but it shot my confidence because I had very little experience dating as an older woman, a single parent. Right. And I didn't know how to navigate that. But I never lost the trust because the Trust was something that, you know, I was able to confide and trust in men still and in myself. Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense. And I'm curious, too. What do you think? Maybe one or two qualities that your parents instilled in you, that you fortified that to use that to ride this trust teeter totter properly.

Ooh, that's such a good question. You're really good at this.

Well, this is what we do, Kim.

I love it.

We go deep.

I love, like, turning the tables. Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that the other day. I had a father who so believed in, like, cultivating independence and strength and recognizing strengths in his kids. Like, I remember him thinking that we can do anything. Do you know what I mean? Like, he didn't try to coddle us. He didn't try to do things for criticize us. He tried to teach. And if we failed or we couldn't do it, he would have us do it again. And I think that builds trust in a child, in themselves, often. And I see that even as a therapist, because often when I see that the trust is broken within. They've had either a highly critical parent, some abusive situation, or maybe they've been overly coddled like that. The parents didn't trust they could do anything. Like, the minute the pacifier drops, the.

Parent would be right here. Or, you know, this is the helicopter parent epidemic that we're seeing all over the media.

Yes, yes. Like, I think it's either extreme, you know, and it's tough. Look, I mean, I'm a parent, and, you know, it's easy for all of us to say, you know, from a bird's eye view, oh, well, you know, you should just do this when you're in it. It's difficult because you just want to, like, nurture your kid and you want to protect them and stuff. So it's a balancing act. And. Absolutely.

This building trust. I love that you said, what areas do you have right now that you're confident in? It could be career. It could be something about you that, you know, I mean, everyone listening knows this. There's something they do so well that they just have pure trust that no matter where they are, they'll be able to do that thing. I think that's a beautiful starting point for the other side of the teeter totter, which is really, like, on one side there's the trust, and on the other side, there's the expression. There's the potential of awareness. Right. For anything and everything being possible. And I think the next Question really is, when it comes to relationships, what's the first step? I mean, how do people that have been through heartbreak even begin this other side of the teeter totter?

Yeah. Well, the first step is allowing people in. Because when the trust has been broken, like I was saying to you before, a wall gets built up and a guard, and I always say to people, you know, you don't have to take all your armor off, but you could put a sword down, right? You could put maybe the shield down. You could still keep some of the armor on. That's. That's healthy. But you got to allow people to see you, to feel you, express your needs, you know, share your thoughts. And the good people, the people who are healthy and right for you are gonna want to hear you, are going to want to share with you, confide in you. And that cultivates the trust. The people who are not healthy, who are dysfunctional, that kind of thing, they won't want to have anything to do with your thoughts or your feelings. Right? And that's a great way to weed people out of your life. I was just talking to a client, actually, right before we hopped on, and this is the crust of her issue. And she grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent, an incapable parent, like, on both ends of the spectrum. So she actually grew up parenting her parents. And feelings were not allowed to be expressed. End of story. It just wasn't allowed. And so fast forward, she grew up expecting that nobody cares about her feelings, but she learned how to read other people's emotions because that's what her role was. And so I said to her, what if you started sharing things about you so that people could feel you? She's like, well, I don't think people really care. I said, well, try it. Let's see what happens. And so, you know, she has been starting to do this, and she's amazed at the impact it has. She's like, I can't believe people are listening to me. I can't believe that people actually want to know that I like vanilla ice cream. Like, it can be something so, you know, benign. But she was so used to just questioning and asking everybody else. But that cultivates trust because, as you teach, that's the emotional intelligence. It's your ability to manage and express your feelings so that you really let people in.

It's so interesting. I love the way your brain works, because people know you as a makeover artist, really. And I want to contrast the style piece of this, because when it comes to like building the confidence of which you speak. Kim, I almost feel like another way to say it would be like, well, as I build my confidence I'm going to like bulldoze this old belief that's not serving me anymore. And a, a lot of times it could be, well, I think I'm just gonna dress a certain way because no one cares how I look anyways. I mean, that's such bs. Like when we men and women see each other and we notice someone's taken the loving care to, you know, have their body be a billboard of self love, like I acknowledge it. I remember when I was a trainer I used to always notice when my clients would like get their hair done or new nails or whatever it might be. Now not everyone's like that, but, but a lot of what you're saying here is so true. And I think this style piece, talk to us about the style. You have this certified style coach certificate from the ST Coaching Institute. Where does style plug into self confidence?

It's everything. And I know that may sound like a very superficial thing coming from a blonde hair, blue eyed girl from la, but I am here to tell you it's not superficial, it's real, as you're alluding to. And there's a lot of scientific proof that image matters and that it actually can tap into your confidence. So here's the thing that's interesting is that, you know, when I was a therapist and I didn't get into all this like makeover stuff, I had the belief that you had to work from the inside out, like you really had to do the work in order to get results. And I would sit there and I would talk to people in the office and we would, you know, do a lot of cognitive therapy and family systems and blah blah, blah. But it wasn't until I had my epiphany and my own story and transformation happen when I started questioning it. And I also have a drama background. So just a warning to anybody out there. I really get kind of silly when I work with people because I feel like also people get really in their head. And so I do a lot of games and role playing and that kind of thing. And what I found is that sometimes and most of the time you gotta work from the outside in in order to really achieve a difference in the way that people create new habits, habits. And the reason for that is because people get stuck in a loop in an analysis, paralysis. And we get stuck in our head. And just like what happened to me, I needed that red dress moment in order to push me to the next level. And I see this with my clients over and over and over again. When they see themselves in the mirror and they look at somebody totally different, their body language shifts. They seem more confident. And there's all this research that backs up that how body language can integrate, you know, also with the inside. And people will perceive you as more confident, therefore, you will become more confident again. It's that, like, you know, it's so interwoven and it's so interesting. And if you look at all the research, you know, 93% of communication is non verbal. Right. And so when you're trying to make a first impression on people or you're trying to work on your confidence, if you act as if. Or if you put something on that deems you as that, you will become that. I mean, look at Halloween, right? I love Halloween. Everybody has a costume on. And look at how people act different. Like, these really shy girls will slip on this, like, vixen outfit, and suddenly they become little, little vixens.

They embody the energy.

Yes, they embody it. Yeah. And so. And I have so many stories with my clients because, you know, I go out in the field with them and I do my wing girl sessions and we shop together, and I see in one session how people can change more than years and years of therapy. And so there's truth to that this. There's. There's definite scientific proof to this.

I love the epiphany you had with the red dress. Like, you needed that shock to really grow. And I think so many people have dealt with this. They'll, like, look in the mirror or they'll, you know, see themselves in a photograph at a family gathering or whatever. And it's almost like the universe is kind of giving us a little tickle or, like, as gay Hendrick says, sometimes we'll get like a slam with a sledgehammer. Did in that moment with the dress, did you feel like it was a tickle or was more like a sledgehammer where you really felt a cascade of emotion?

Gosh, you know, I remember feeling frozen at first. I remember just looking in the mirror and in disbelief. It didn't hit me quite like. It was almost more of a wave, to be honest. It built up. And then I looked at it. And to be honest, when I bought that red dress, it was like a costume in my head. I'm like, okay, I think I need to marinate in this costume until I become it. And so I would wear it out and about, and I would see the impact it would have, the way that people looked at me, they smiled at me, the way I got treated and then my confidence started growing with that, you know what I mean? So it was a buildup. More so to me, it felt more like a wave, if that makes sense.

So the truth is, if we've got no energy, we've got no charisma and all the style selection and changing, our personal authentic light that's shining out of us doesn't really matter matter if we have no energy to talk and speak and connect with other people. This is why every single day, sometimes two or even three times a day, I am taking my organifi red juice. Now, the red juice is part of our organifi Wellness Force bundle where you can get the acai and cordyceps infused red juice, also the ashwagandha and superfood powder in the green juice and you can get the gold. You can get all three of these, the red, green, gold in the superfood bundle from wellness Force and you can get it for a huge discount. All you have to do is go to Organifi.com WellnessForce use code WellnessForce to get 20% off your bundle, your discounted bundle for the red, green and gold juice. Get some more energy from the inside out and save some money in the process. Organifi.com wellnessforce use code wellnessforce my friend Hecart, let's get back to kitchen man. This paradigm of doing the work from the inside out or the outside in, I almost think it's really just doing both at the same time. Because I mean, you said 93% of everything is non verbal for social cue. We know that 90% of all serotonin is in the gut and 90 to 95%, depending on who you hear from, of all of our thoughts are subconscious. I mean, Kim, the odds are kind of stacked against us. We have this ancient brain that was designed for us living on the prairie, running away from a saber tooth tiger. Do you find that this conversation of Kim, I really want to buy the new piece of clothing or I really want to do the thing that's gonna increase my style. But I have this feeling, I have this nervous system message that tells me, stop, you can't do it.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I can I share a story around that. It's the best way to kind of give you an example of how somebody got past that. So I worked with this woman who had been divorced for like 20, 25 years and she had out on a date since her divorce, she Was going through the motions and the humdrum of work, taking care of her kids. And by the time she called me, she had enough. You know, usually that's at the point where people change because they. She couldn't take it anymore. And she's like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of my own way. And I'm coming out and doing an intensive with you. I said, great. So she flies out here, and we do it all. We do the coaching, the shopping. I did a photo session with her and the therapy, and. And when she sat down, I mean, the minute I met her, I saw how she was giving her power away with just the way she was talking. She kept apologizing for things that she shouldn't be apologizing for. So I was picking up little things here and there. And then it was time. You know, I always start with the outside. So it was time to go shopping. And she said to me, kim, I have something to tell you. I said, what's that? She said, I haven't looked in the mirror in a really long time. In fact, all my mirrors are covered at home.

Oh, my gosh.

I said, really? She said, yeah. She said, just so you know, I'm having a lot of anxiety about going into that department store right now. I said, I get it. I get it. And so I held her hand, and we walked through the department store. Now, if I was a traditional therapist sitting in my office, I probably would do a little cognitive therapy and talk to her about her body image and how that's gonna be okay and what can she. All this stuff that, you know, I used to do, and I still think that's great. I'm not. I'm not knocking it, but it was so much more powerful walking in that store. And you should see the tears that were running down her face as she's looking at the mannequins and she's. I could see the anxiety building up in her. And again, avoiding the mirrors. And I said, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to put on this jacket, and I want you to put on these pair of shoes, and I want you to turn around, and I want you to look in the mirror and just give me five seconds. And she. And she said she did it. So she turns around, and again, it was that frozen thing, and all of the sudden tears are starting to roll down her face, and she said, oh, my God, Kim, I've never seen myself so beautiful. And it was. Boom. It was in that moment that completely did, like, you know, know a break state, if you will, if you want to use NLP terms. And that woman, I swear to God, I created a monster after that because she was dancing through the stores, trying on her clothes with the door open. I mean, this is a woman who had extreme body image issues. Got herself all dolled up, was feeling fabulous. We did the photo shoot. She couldn't believe how beautiful she looked in the pictures. She went home, she put those pictures up on Apple, she dated up a storm, and she landed herself a boyfriend. And it was literally that one moment where she saw herself differently that shifted the entire inside as well.

My God, I got chills just visualizing this. I'm seeing her in the department store, like, dancing around, like, this is true liberation.

True liberation. I mean, she had me in tears, to be honest. Like, we were crying to get. We just kept crying. And, you know, to this day, I mean, she just kept thanking me, you know, over and over again that it just. It changed her life. It got her unraveled, unstuck. But again, there had to be a visceral experience with her in order to get there.

I think a lot of people might push back on style, too, Kim, because they're going to say, well, you know, to look good costs too much money. Like, how do you deal with that? Objection from people?

Oh, yeah, I get that all the time. You know, there's a lot of things I'll say around that. I mean, first off is that start small. You don't have to break the bank. And like I was saying in the beginning, where, you know, the rolling moss kind of metaphor, when you start working on your style and you can start with, like, one or two pieces, it becomes exciting. And you'll also see ways that you can invest in yourself in ways that you would never imagine. Because the other thing that I challenge around that is that a lot of times people don't value clothes like they value other things like cars and computers and, you know, that kind of thing. And so there. I always look at the way people value themselves and clothes first before I go right to the cheap clothes or whatever it is, you know, so it's like, what is underneath that question? Why don't. You know, or objection, I should say. And so after we kind of work through that, it's helping people get just really simple pieces that can go with them and carry them a long way. For instance, a jacket, both for men and women, can go a long way and can save a lot of clothes, because I just actually Went shopping with a client the other day and I was a young man. He's 28. How awesome is this? He's an IT. And he didn't want to look like it. He wanted to look cool. Yeah, yeah, right. And so he wanted to get a little cool and we got him three jackets. And those jackets can save some of his IT clothes because just putting on a leather jacket can change up his look. So that's what I would say to all of you is to start small. But I wouldn't chintz out and get something that's cheap if it's not going to fit you well. Because the danger in buying cheaper clothes is that sometimes the fit doesn't really work and then it doesn't last long. So you actually end up spending more money down the line to replace some of that stuff.

That is such a great point. Do you feel the same way about shoes? Because I'll buy four pairs of shoes at a time and they'll last me for a long time, maybe three to four years because I don't wear the same pair of shoes too much.

Yeah, shoes. Oh my God. I'm honestly a shoe snob. I'll totally admit it. Because. Because shoes, first of all. And you'll appreciate this coming from like a wellness standpoint. It's everybody, you know, especially for women, because it's your back, it's your posture, it's your feet, you know, and so like I'm always being mindful of people's feet problems when I'm looking at shoes. And I don't like to go cheap when it comes to shoes because I believe in good support and a well made shoe and it'll carry you longer.

Yeah. I'm thinking about how much our feet are contacting the ground and actually it's the minimal shoes for most people. We see a lot of people that want to have these high elevated heels, especially for men. Men. How do we understand style versus practicality? Because I think being practical in the world is totally different than like just going extravagant with our style. Like, does this question come up, the contrast of practical and style together?

Totally. Well, here's the thing is that I always tell people I am not a traditional stylist. I'm not like, you know, this LA girl who puts on cookie cutter looks on everybody and say, oh, this looks fabulous. This is trending, go for it. I'm an image consultant, which is different. I like to teach people their body type and I look at their lifestyle and I look at the different parts of their life and Trying to get outfits that bring out the best version of them related to all those components. And I have kind of like a trick that I teach everybody that I would love to share. And I call it the three Cs. And what the three Cs are is teaching people about what cut works for them. And if you're a woman, there are five body types. And I really. This is something that I just am a stickler on. There's a little bit of science, you know, that goes beyond just the clothes. Yes. Is when you know what body type you are, you know, what cut flatters your figure and what cuts to stay away from. And I actually have a free body type on my website if you guys are interested. But that's a really great, great start. And then for men, there are, like, three body types. It's not as intense as it is for women, but, you know, when you keep those things in mind, that's the first thing, and it makes shopping way more pleasant. The second C is color. You got to know what colors work for your skin tone, because, you know, that also can make or break the way that, you know, you look in clothes. And when it comes to attraction, ladies, I will just say that, yes, red attracts men, and there's scientific proof. I actually found an article that backed me up because I've been saying this for years, and a lot of people have been saying this, of why men love red. It's so fascinating. I don't know if you want me to.

What is it? Because I'm honestly thinking about a song. This is so crazy. I was listening to a song right before we got on here, and the song was about a woman in a red dress. I'm not even joking. And I'm thinking about, like, the way it's been sung even in the Matrix. Right. There was the woman in the red dress. What is the science? What is it?

Okay, so the reason why. Well, first of all, you know, the color of red is a showstopper. I mean, if you think about just, like, stop signs and sirens, you know, red just, like, it makes you stop. Right. But for men in particular, what they found, they did this study, and they had the same woman in a red dress, and then she then wore a blue dress, and they showed it to 100 men and. And in, like, a profile, right? Yeah. And they said, which one would you pick and choose? And 100% of the hundred men chose the red dress. And what they found is that they think there's a biological component because red is also menstruation. And so it's like that whole procreation kind of thing. And there's almost this subconscious thing that happens with men when they see a woman in red. Isn't that interesting?

That's so fascinating. Now, what's the color for men to wear?

The best color for men to wear, you know, I find, is blue. I think most men look really good in blue. And it depends on the shade, by the way. So if you're, like, light toned, you don't want to wear, like, a powder blue. If you have darker skin, you could probably get away with many shades of blue. But blue is also power, and it can mean authority. So I think that, you know, in terms of that alphaness, that blue is a really good color, but it really. It varies from person to person. Just like with women. I mean, there's a lot of colors that look good, but colors in general are great, and it attracts people to people. And so I, you know, I love black too. I think there's a time and a place. But like in my instance when I was stuck in my black zone in period when I was really depressed, you gotta watch if you're using it in a way to hide you.

That is such a good point. Oh, my God. And this is why style's so important. It's like you have the cut, you have the color. And what's the third piece?

The third is your confidence clothes. And what I mean by that is, everybody, if you look in your closet, I guarantee you, you have that go to outfit that makes you feel really good. And you gotta look at that confidence outfit and say, okay, what is it about this outfit it that I like, and why do I feel so good in it? Is it the cut? Is it the color? And have you been complimented on it or reinforced for it? And if you can figure out those components, I always tell people, get more of that because that's, you know, that's your wheelhouse. That's where your confidence lives. And so when you focus on those three things, it's a great way of getting started with your style.

This is an intelligence factor. I mean, you know, the physical and the emotional are both their own unique wells of intelligence. Style is its own universe, like this style industry. I mean, how much money are we talking about here? It's gotta be in the hundreds of billions.

Oh, my gosh. I don't even know. That's a great question. It's a great question.

That'd be a fun fact to know, because I'm thinking about how much people spend money on Things they honestly don't value. And to go back earlier in our conversation, it's like, if you're not gonna value the clothes, then you may as well not buy them. And the same conversation could be had about healthy foods. If you're complaining about how foods are expensive, well, you're truly not valuing them. So it's almost like, Kim, I'd love your expertise on this. Is there a way to understand what one values when it comes to style? Is there a process someone can go through for that?

Yeah. And honestly, it's always the same thing. It's putting people in action and actually having people try on clothes just to prove them wrong. And again, I can totally talk to the cows come home. I can talk on this podcast how style is so important. But it's not until I show people and so that they can see themselves in something different that it starts clicking. This is my whole point. Thank you. Because you helped me prove my whole point of working from the outside in. But if you look at, like, how I define style iq, which is part of my charisma quotient, is the ability to present oneself in a congruent way, that it really creates a comprehensive picture that reflects the real and the best you. And here's what I tell people who have some, like, pushback and resistance to it, is that this isn't about changing who you are. It's about marketing yourself so that people get to know who you are. And sometimes there's an incongruency with the message you're sending with your clothes and who you are as a person. And so if you knew that there were a few tweaks you could make with your shirt line or your collar or the colors that you wear that made a difference in the way that people related to you, why wouldn't you do it? I mean, 55% of your dating success can be increased just based on the clothes you wear. I mean, how crazy is that?

Kim, it's time for you to take me shopping. Okay. The next time we meet up, like, I'm go, I'm paying for this intensive thing. This sounds incredible. And obviously, like, we have scratched the surface of Kim Seltzer. Like, you do so much for people. You work with people virtually. There's tons of information about you online. And honestly, like, before I get to the last part of the show, I just have this burning question because you brought up congruence. Have you seen with people that are not congruent with what they truly say they want versus what they think they deserve? How does that express itself in their actions and in their style?

Oh, yeah, all the time I see it. But what I find is that people, I don't think are intentional with that. I think people have good intentions mostly. You know, they think they know what they want, and they think they know who they are. But as they get into it, and this is what I see when I'm coaching people and I'm peeling away the layers, and it's like an on. People are like onions. There's so many layers to people. And when I get to the core of people and. And I challenge some of the things that they're putting out there that maybe is incongruent, they start having epiphanies and realizations that that's not all, that isn't who they are. And they couldn't believe. You know, like, a lot of people will come to me and say, kim, I want to find a man. I'm hiring you because I need to find my soulmate. Which is often the case. But then when I really get into it, it's not at all what they really want. They really wanted to work on themselves and to be happier and more fulfilled. And then, guess what? They end up finding a man. When the minute they start stop focusing on the man and they start focusing on them, that's when the magic happens.

God, Kim, that is the most powerful tweetable from our entire conversation. I'm thinking about this too. It's like, if you're gonna peel an onion, give yourself permission to cry. Because sometimes, like, in that exploration, don't you think that's what blocks people from even wanting to peel the onion in the first place? Scared of feeling those feelings.

So true. Now that's tweetable. I think there's so many hashtags and tweets, right?

We did back to back tweetables. Okay, last three questions before we say goodbye. We're gonna link your podcast, the Charisma Quotient, also your website and everything else. But I have these three questions for you and I. And I love asking guests these questions because we really can understand who you are. You know, you shared so much of that already. But when we look at emotional intelligence, you know, this practice of understanding and, you know, really leaning into our thoughts and our feelings, our actions, is there an edge of emotional intelligence that you're currently leaning into right now?

You know, I'm leaning into vulnerability. And as I get older and wiser and more mature, I guess is the safe way of saying it, I. I realize that with also My life experience that being real and allowing people to see who you are and what you're about is so much more powerful than morphing into something that you think other people want to see. And it's so different. And I think, at least when I was younger, I had this notion that I had to be a certain way and act a certain way. And to be honest, when you're going through training as a therapist, they teach you not to share. They teach you to be just kind of this blank slate and reflect back to the client that, you know, you're not supposed to share your personal experiences. And so I was trained that way, and so to really allow myself to be more vulnerable. And obviously, like, if anyone listens to my podcast and you can hear pretty much my whole life story, that's a.

Sign of a good shot.

Yeah, well, right as you do and as your show is, and as you and I are talking, like, I, like, I feel so much closer with you than I did on Instagram, obviously, because now, which is how we met, by the way, everyone. And so to have that vulnerability piece and to lean into that is just. It's been awesome.

What about the physical, Kim, as far as physical intelligence, you know, you're eating, you're moving, you're breathing, your meditation. How are you leaning into your physical intelligence practice right now?

Oh, I. Well, first of all, I love exercise. Like, I believe in it. What's been an interesting transformation for me over the years is that when I was younger and I had the younger body, I was so much about, like, oh, my God, I gotta, like, go for it. And I was like this hardcore. Like, I had to go for the sweat and I had to run for miles, and I had to do, like, the hardcore stuff. And, you know, and I kind of laugh at myself, myself. But then something happened about two years ago, and I got the cyst in my back. It was awful, and I couldn't move, and I had to really slow down. And so I've had to learn how to do exercises differently. And I'm finding that in my kind of slower mentality, slower moves, that I actually have more movement and a better body for it. Like, I'm enjoying the slowness. And so that's been my shift for the physical is going from, like, that fast, rapid pace to slowing down and honoring my body.

And that's a skill set of itself. I mean, how many people are just go, go, go all day long? And it's actually the biggest challenge is to stop and breathe. So thanks for that reminder Last question, Kim. So this intersection of the emotional and physical, we know there's the spiritual as well, but how would you define wellness in your life? Like, what's your definition of wellness?

Wellness to me is a holistic thing. You know, I think again, it's the outer and the inner. I think when people think about wellness, they think about health. But health is your body. It's your mental health, it's your spirit, it's your energy, it's, you know, everything. It's your daily routine, it's your sleep, it's what you put in your body in terms of what you eat. So to me, it's very holistic.

Kim, thank you for coming on the show. This has been one of my favorite conversations and we have not explored dating and the value of style in charisma and how these things contrast, really, honestly, the love that we have for ourselves. So I just want to pause for a moment. Acknowledge the work you do in our wellness world. This charisma, this charisma quotient, it's so powerful. And the choice you made when there was the divorce to now transcend that and coach and teach people across the world, like, just want to acknowledge the power that you've stepped into. So thank you for what you do.

Oh, thank you. And thanks for the acknowledgement. That always feels really good. And I can't wait to have you on mine.

Oh, people are going to get to know me a little bit deeper. That's going to be fun.

Yes. Tables are going to turn.

So eliteimagemakeovers.com is the website, but where are you the most active? I mean, where can people reach out to you?

Yeah, my website is probably the best. You can also obviously listen to my podcast, Charisma Quotient Social media. I'm Kimberly Seltzer on Facebook and ELTzerKimberly on Twitter.

All right, Kim, we'll talk to you soon, I'm sure.

Yes, absolutely.

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