317 Lauren Handel Zander | InnerU: How To Human Better

There's spiritual integrity, which is what you say to yourself. There's emotional integrity. It's how does that make you feel? And then there's physical integrity, which is what you're doing. And they are all happening simultaneously. You are thinking, feeling and doing all at the same time. The feeling like how you feel is a result, right? Like that's the one that comes from your thoughts or your action. So you change your action. You will think and feel differently. You change your thought, you will act and feel differently. The feeling is the main magnetic force, right? So I'm always coming after thoughts or actions because feeling is the magnet. I feel wonderful, then I believe wonderful things can happen. I know it to be true. And then, you know, I should go for a run, right? That's all love based, higher self integrity.

That's Lauren Handel Zander. And this is episode 317 of Wellness Force Radio. Wellness Force Radio, where we discover the physical emotional intelligence.

You can have the same brain states as someone who's done an hour of meditation every day for 40 years. There's a lot of losses that we go through. So the ability to be able to cope with those losses is very important to build skill in it because loss will happen. You know, you have to have spiritual courage to really grow spiritually. Because if you really want to take.

Guidance from your soul, you have to.

Be ready to realize that many of the things that you're asking for guidance on your ego has some kind of an addiction to or an investment in.

Welcome back to the podcast, Josh Trent, you made it to Wellness Force and I'm glad you're here. How's your day going today? Let me know. Pop me a DM on Instagram. Actually, I'm rentsd. Or you can also reach out to us Elnessforce. Today on the podcast we're talking with Lauren Handel Sander, the co founder and the chairwoman of the Handel Group for her return to the podcast. Last time she talked about her book maybe it's yous. This time we're talking about inner you, the Inner Game, how to Human Better. She is an author, a speaker, a coach. Obviously she has done some serious work in this world. She's taught at 30 universities plus globally and in dozens of corporations. She has this scientific approach to deconstructing the pathways to success. I love Lauren for so many reasons. Today we're talking about this concept of inner you. The moment that you realize to human is a verb, everything changes. The power is back where it belongs and where it's always been in your Hands. This program and this mission that she's on is giving men and women a way, a actual pragmatic approach to take a deep look at all aspects of what she calls their humanness. I love this woman. You're going to love her energy. We'll talk about how to keep broken promises to ourselves, why shame spirals lead to the same story, why our subconscious mind justifies the trauma and why we have this mechanism in our psyche and that consistently gathers evidence. You've heard me talk about this on the show. Can I gather evidence that I'm loved, that I'm supported, and that I'm on the right path? Well, the answer is yes, of course. Of course we can gather that evidence. But the subconscious is tricky sometimes. If we're not doing the inner work, which Lauren calls inner you, how to human better? If we're not versed in this skill set, we can fall into the trap of the egoic mind. And the egoic mind will use that same mechanism where we're gathering evidence for positive things. And you know what's gonna gather? It's gonna gather the shit. It's gonna that people don't love me, I'm too fat, my dog doesn't like me, nothing's gonna work out, my lunch is gonna be cold, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We explored this concept where she calls it the weather reporter and the chicken. You'll love this. You'll love Lauren and you're gonna love where we go in this podcast. And if you love this podcast as much as I do, as much as the friend did that brought you here, or the way that you feel when you've heard Lauren's voice or other guests. Leave us a review. It means a lot. It's a small token of your time and, and it fractals huge to the universal appreciation that Wellness Force, our community has for you. You can leave us a review by clicking over to iTunes. Leave a 5 star review. More people will find the show we can have on big guests like Lauren and Dave Asprey and Dr. John Gray and all these amazing human beings because of your voice. Share your truth@wellnessforce.com review. I read all the reviews personally and I'm super grateful. It means a lot to me that you support our podcast. So thanks so much for leaving us a review. If you're insp by Lauren, go to wellnessforce.com enter you. You can sign up for the Inner U program. You get $75 off. This is super generous. $75 off lifetime access to enter you with your subscription which includes 12 audio coaching sessions from Lauren personally. A free private coaching session with a handout group coach. 14 homework assignments. The interactive Promise Tracker. This accelerates your accountability, tracks your promises and your consequences. Get started today. If this resonates with you, go to Wellnessforce, do inneryou and make sure that you're starting 2020 on the right foot. You can learn more at wellnessforce.com 317. This woman is a powerhouse. I can't wait to bring her on for your listening and honestly edutainment entertainment pleasure right here, right now with Lauren Handel. Zander. Lauren, welcome back to Wellness Force.

It is so nice to be back. I really appreciate it and I dig you. I really dig you.

I dig you as well. We digged you in October 2018. So it's almost. It's a full circle moment for me. Like I've gotten the pleasure, which we're going to talk about on today's show of you actually coaching me so I can understand this model of how to human better, which I love. We're all looking to live life well. This is the whole genesis of the show, right? How do we understand the physical and the emotional intelligence? So end result, we can live our life well and we're all human beings. You have this program inner you learn to human better. This seems like the biggest flagship, the biggest expansion for you since you came on last year with Wellness Force. Is that true or is there anything bigger than this?

Only. Only that we're launching it in for like. So I spent all of last year finally figuring out how to scale and lead and my biggest commitment is community like, and people need buddies and I don't. I mean, I'm so expensive, it's stupid. And so if, if that won't scale. But what. But after 20 years of work and figuring out how to give it away and make it a community thing, I figured it out. People are loving it. So I'm so happy. And I'm launching interview business. Right. Which is really. We already have 400 people in it. It goes B2B. Right. Because of all the clients we have. But we're going to have it for individual. So I finally found a way to scale that I respect.

I love this. The book we talked about last year, maybe it's you cut the crap, face your fears, love your life. Let's talk about cutting the crap.

All right. Yeah.

That's to me is. And it was one of the things where people wrote in the most like, wow. I didn't realize that when I took the emotional inventory from the book that I was holding on, literally holding on white knuckling to beliefs that did not serve anything that my heart actually wanted. Can we talk about the cut the crap piece before we get into interview?

Yeah. Yeah. So everything I do is to get a person to face what they tell themselves, believe and think. Right. Like that. All my exercises are to get you to purge, and I kind of mean puke what you've been subjected to all your life, whether it's the religion from your family, whether it's how you think of yourself as a man or how you think of women or how you think of making money, or if you didn't go to business school, you can't have that. Like, so we have so many theories and beliefs, and then we don't realize we're proving them every minute of the day through our inner dialogue. And so the crap that we believe exists out there doesn't actually. Well, you do see it out there, but guess who showed up first before they saw it out there? Right? So you're the operator and you're the operant power. And then what you see you thought of first before, or you see it and so. And you can't figure that out by yourself.

Yeah. This is why. This is why we all get to have mirrors in our life. And it could be a mirror of mindfulness. It could be a coach. I don't care who you are. Even Tony Robbins has a coach. I'm sure you have mentors and coaches that guide you. Right? I.

What I do, which is my favorite thing is I have a group. And it really. Watch this. Okay? We put it together, and we all have promises, like our health promises, our career promises. We all have promises. And for any broken promise, $10 goes in the pot. Okay? So now if you go, how big is your pot right now? It rolled over from last. So every six weeks, we meet. We all have buddies. Just like I give an interview, so I have a buddy, and then I create assignments that I have to do. We all have to do. And if you go, what's your latest assignment? Right now, we're literally scouring our lives for any beliefs, even though they're much better than they used to be. But any negative beliefs we want to dismantle. And then we have to show how we dismantle them and what we did to kill them. And then we're all competing in groups for the best ideas for what recipe did you come up with? And then what proof do you have? And then in six weeks, we get together, and then we show Our. We, like, pitch our, you know, what results we produce, and then one of the. And then we all vote who wins, and then they win the pot. And the pot is all the money from the broken promises. So. And you're like, how long have you been doing your group? And I'm like, you mean what year am I on? I'm on year 12, so I am never out of my very assignments. I give everybody else.

I don't. I'm gonna butcher this quote, but I think it was Marcus Aurelius. It's like, don't wish for an easier life. Wish for a stronger back. And I think sometimes all of us can get in this situation where it's like, oh, my God, I feel like life is stacked against me. I feel like things are happening to me instead of for me. And I don't need this to be a social media meme. Like, you and I both know that if we can change our perspective, everything else changes. If we can just. If we can just take radical, loving ownership of our lives. This is what you talk about in your book, loving your life by facing the fear. This is really the culmination of almost two decades. How long have you been doing this work again? How many. How long have you actually been looking at the elements of personal development and how people can change?

Since I was 22.

Yes. All right, so eight years.

I am turning. No, I'm turning 50.

You are.

I'm turning 50.

You have this young soul. You guys are watching this on YouTube. She has such a beautiful young soul. And this is what I've always felt from you. This is why I've trusted your messaging is because, yes, you have the acumen, you have the decades in business world and coaching high performers, yet you have this childlike essence to you. And that to me. I always, whenever I'm taking advice from someone, I always look at do I want the energy that they contain, you know, do I want the life or do I want what they're emitting into the world? And it's like when we go to a physician or when we trust anyone, if they're not a model of what they're saying, then it's hard for my integrity to trust their integrity.

Please, please. Exactly.

It's a big part of it. So thank you for keeping this childlike joy. And let's go into this promises and the creation of reality, because one of the things that I got. And I'm going to link this in our show notes. I actually took three pages of notes when I got to work with Lauren, for a session. And the way that we broke this down was that our reality is created by whatever we say and whatever we think. Now you might be listening and you're like, oh yeah, duh, of course that's what it is, but it's the actual inventory. And one of the things that came up for me in our session was the reality that I was creating around money, the meaning of money. Can we talk about this piece? Because I'm sure this is a connecting thread with all the people that do your programs. What's the common narrative around money and being a better human?

Okay, so first of all, people. So there's your lineage, right? And so one of the places a person has to do inventory is how was money run by your parents, whether they were married. Literally all you need is your siblings and your parents. It may go into your grandparents story because we're all a bunch of immigrants and we were rubbing sticks together, but there is literally where you got your original story from the way you see it, the way you feel about it. Don't ask for too much, only want what you can have. Don't be greedy. That's ostentatious. That's like, so we all have. What I make a person do is in all areas of their life, especially an area they're not that happy. You can bet that the, the perspective, their beliefs, where they came from and what, what they inherited explains why you're trying to fix that and fixing something like is still broken. Right. And what we're capable of is when we know what we made up, we then have a choice about what we really want to believe because we really can accept the truth that, oh, I related to my dad that way, I related to money this way, I related to it that. So the first thing I have everyone do is really purge on an area that's blocking them and really figure out that it's you who thinks that. And then there really are some things that you're doing. Yeah, that of course, if you think that you don't sign up for school, you don't sign up for that class, you don't ask your best friend for, you know, help getting that job. Right. Like, you'd be amazed that when a person changes their mind, their whole life was waiting for them to change their mind. Right. And then you go, oh, I had a revelation. And then the revelation gets you to take a whole new set of actions. Right. Or if you're with a coach or in my program, I make you figure out the right promises that will have you Change your mind about yourself.

And for me, that resonates real deep, because I can even look back on a guest we had recently on the show, Mark Wolin. It didn't start with you. He talked about healing generational pain, generational trauma. And he was talking about how you and I literally were a seed three generations back. So when our grandmother was born, we were an egg in her womb. I mean, you cannot ignore the science of these beliefs bleeding in to us. So many things that we think, so many things that we feel, Lauren, they might not even be ours at all, right? Does this ever come up in conversation?

I have a nickname for this. I call it. I make a joke. I call it. We all have the epis. We have the epis. Like, that comes from the epis. And it's a knockoff of epigenetics. And epigenetics says that you don't just have your dad's blue eyes, you have his wandering blue eyes. Right? And then they have a. They did a. There's a study where they've proven. Where they took rats that were not pregnant and they electrocuted their little feet. And at the same time they were electrocuting their little feet, they made them smell cherry blossoms all at the same time. And then they got them knocked up. They did that for a while. They got them knocked up, and when the babies came out, they had grown different sensors in their nostrils to be able to smell cherry blossoms. So we even don't get that what's happening to us right now is genetically mutating for our children, as if it's all making them smarter and better. But what if you like six drinks, right? What if you like figuring out how to lie to your girlfriend and go get laid, Right? Like, does that go into the genetics of your child? As if that was a good idea? And the answer is sadly, yes.

Yeah.

Right. So whether you like it or not, the issues that you have and many of them you're having have nothing to do with you except for that you got past the baton, and now you're gonna have to deal with all of them and take that forward in evolution.

Well, that's the first massive mic drop of the interview. And what it makes me feel is, God, it's so relieving. It's like, hold on. Okay, so what you're telling me is that if these things got downloaded from first, second, third generation, then I'm not a victim. It literally unlocks this brand new door where behind it is the truth of, oh, I'm not a victim. I Might feel like some of these things aren't mine, but I can take the loving, inspired action to change them. And this is what it's all about, this inspired action piece. Because I think so many people, I don't know how you feel about this. I'd love to hear your thought on this. There's so many influencers, specifically in the personal growth, personal development space. And it's literally hustle, grinding, doing the work, looking at your shadow and it just seems to be a bit exhausting. And I think, in my opinion, I'm curious how you feel that type of white knuckling, that type of like shaming, like you need to fix yourself, you need to do this, you should be doing this. There's just no place for it yet. It does appeal to people on social media's fear aspect and we have a lot of people white knuckling changes instead of relaxing and allowing the change to flow through. Can you speak about this?

So I. So first of all, humans are fear based. Are you human? Okay.

I mean, I could be an alien, but I'm a human.

Okay. We're not, you know, it's a different. We'll do that one next time.

Different podcast.

Different podcast. But so we're fear based, right? We're risk averse, we're think of everything before you say something. Figuring out how to say something so you don't get in trouble, right? So everything comes from don't get screwed, don't get in trouble, don't get fucked, don't get so. And that combined with our epis, really does not get us to dream or even take over our inner dialogue. Like the gift it is if once you get this point, so the. So what I teach people is you have to hear what you're saying and you have to get where it came from so that you can take over the narrative. And yes, you're always going right now you're working for shit or you're working for a great theory. You're going to be working anyway. You're going to be taking actions even if your action is lay in bed, right? But if you want, whatever you want has the actions that correlate to it, right? That's just a duh, right? If you want to learn French, you're going to have to study it and then you probably need to practice it, right? Like there's nothing under the sun that many of us can't figure out how to get an A at and there's no shaming required to go, I want to get an A at that.

Yeah.

Okay. But there really is getting over yourself and believing in yourself. And all of that comes from how you talk to yourself.

This is the inner dialogue, really. Right?

Yeah. And if you haven't sorted out where your inner dialogue comes from, and a lot of your inner dialogue comes from hauntings. Hauntings are times you lied. Things you made up from your past that you've never resolved or fixed from your past. Like, you've never had that conversation with your dad. No, you can't talk about that with your mom. No. You won't forgive that boss for doing that. Right. So what I do is I get people to figure out where they made all their decisions. And once you made a decision, one plus one is two, you don't really ask about it again. So once you go, I'm not that, I'm an introvert. Right. You then never have to speak up at the meeting. Right. But if you want to be a boss, you're going to have a real problem because an introvert isn't the boss unless they start their own company, which is also very difficult. Right. So then the shortest road to being a boss would be to kill the introvert. Right. Killing an introvert just means raise your hand, say something, come prepared. Right? So it isn't that there aren't actions, but your actions correlate to your dreams, and then you take over the narrative to match that. And so if someone in self help isn't doing exactly what I just said, I have no idea how it's working.

And to me, there's a formula. You know, you talked about the recipe where you have the meetings with your accountability group and y' all go through like, okay, what is the proof? How did I change it? What was my broken promise? I feel like this just speaking it out to existence releases so much of the. Of the tension and the charge within the nervous system. Right? Just literally speaking out like, hey, this was what I wanted. This is what happened. Let's explore as to why it happened. And actually from our session, this is from what I remember you telling me. I said I'd do X, but I did Y plus the reason plus the shame. So this is. There's a formula here. Let's talk about this. Like, so I said I'd do X, but I did Y, the reason and the shame. Let's explore this formula because I know this is part of inner U.

So I loved when I figured this out. Right. Because this blew my mind. And it really blew my mind. Okay. Which is I said I'd go for a Run. I stayed in bed, right? That's all that happened in reality. Do you understand? Like, reality is. I said I'd do X. I did. Yeah. Equals Y.

These are the events. These are the neutral events, right?

Like that. That's all the facts. And if you want to know, honest to God, where God lives, he lives in the truth. The truth is I said I'd get out of bed at 7. It was 7:02. I was two minutes late. The end, right? But that's not what humans do. Humans go, I said I'd get out of bed at eight to go for a run. I hit the snooze three times and didn't get out of bed till nine. But I said to myself, I was so exhausted, I'm worried about my job. Like, I was like, you make up an entire drama that you really do believe. Like, I'm not saying you make it up. Like, ooh, let me come up with the best drama. Now you're like, I can't get out of bed. I'm so stressed out, I can't. Blah, blah, blah. I need more sleep, right? So you make up some drama. It's true. The minute a mind. The minute a human figures out they're not getting out of bed, like they said, they must justify it. It's like, I sneeze, shit comes out of my nose. It's like, the minute I'm not going to keep a promise that I said to myself, I'm going to come up with a reason, explanation, justification. Every human does it, okay? But that's not enough for a human. Because you know what else you have to do? You actually have to feel bad. You have to shame yourself. You have to hope you'll be better tomorrow. You have to, like, guilt yourself. Like, it's because I. I have a problem with being disciplined. I've never been good at it, right? And then you do a number on feeling bad. So a justification plus feeling bad. And do you know why? We do. And so here's how the formula goes. I said I do X. I did Y plus an explanation justification plus I feel terrible equals I'm still a good person, right? I'm still good. I'll be better tomorrow. I'll try better tomorrow. No one's perfect, right? Okay, now here's the bad joke that I got. The truth is, I said I do X. I did Y. I don't need to feel bad about it. I don't need anything like, nothing else. Like, I just laid in bed. Hey, dude, you laid in bed. You didn't get out of bed, enjoy your sleep. Like, why suffer? Why wake up? Like, why explain yesterday's circumstances to make you feel better. Like, to make you feel like shit so that you maybe it's still a good person. Here's the truth. I said I do X, I did Y. That's the facts. That's God. What humans do is with the justification and the feeling bad so you could be a good person. That's literally how the dark side pretends it's light. We lie, we make up a story. We feel terrible about ourselves, as if it absolves. Like, we really wanted to keep our promise. So then we do this whole loop of shaming and not keeping our promise and not actually being epic at. Then we feel terrible because maybe we'll be better tomorrow. But the truth is you didn't need any of that. And all of that pretends it's good for you. It explains things. It means you have remorse. Like, it comes up with this song and dance as if we're not like, as if you're not allowed to just call a shot and do it or not do it.

Yeah.

And then we don't live with just the truth called I didn't get out of bed. Right. And we don't need any of the drama. As if it helps because it never gets you out of bed the next day. It actually doesn't work. It just kind of makes you feel like a good person while you're laying there. But really a guilty person. See religion for source of this.

Lauren, let's just pause there for a moment because huge takeaway. Like, this is incredibly powerful for people to get. So let me just breathe into this. The shame spiral leads to the same story repeating over and over again.

And it proves what's wrong with you. It literally is proving that you suck or you can't or you never will, but maybe tomorrow and you feel bad because you're really trying. It really is. What does try like, trying is like trying never happens. Trying is the in between stage of doing something. Like, I'm going to try and get out of bed. Really? Show me. Yeah, I would recommend just getting out of bed, not trying to get out of bed. Because trying to get out of bed doesn't sound like you actually ever get out.

Yes.

Right. So we try to be good people. We try to keep our promises. And so for me, when I got, I was this kind of like, didn't get out of bed with good reason and feeling bad. That's when I invented put in a consequence pay the piper do something that would get me out of bed if I really want to go for a run. This was all because I really wanted to exercise and lose 10 pounds. And I was such a jerk about not doing it that I needed a promise that I had to. And I literally had to put in a promise that I had to be on the floor within two minutes. Like, I'm such a jerk. I used to wake up before the alarm went off to discuss how exhausted I was and that maybe I would run later, not in the morning. And then when I caught my crazy mind doing such a number, I put in a. I don't. And I. If I don't run in the morning, I don't get sugar. That day again, I always got my like little desserts right that I was allowed 100 calorie packet, like back in that day. And that was it. My feet were down on the floor and I was going for a run. Same worked on my cigarettes. I want to smoke anymore. Back in the day when I was in my early 20s and I said if I smoke a cigarette, I owe a hundred bucks to this guy I would hate to pay. And the day I smoked three cigarettes and paid the 300 bucks, I raised the consequence to $500 a cigarette. I realized I was making too much money. And then guess who never had another cigarette again. But I don't go with guilt or feeling bad. I go with pay the bill and do the deed.

Pay the bill and do the deed. And this is like a black and white line that doesn't have shame or pressure or any other story other than actually what is. I've had some sessions with a coach who trained personally with Byron, Katie, and the very first question of the four questions, which of course I'm sure you know about this is, is it true? Is it true, like just. Just that one question to the mind can be so transformational. And then of course, the second question is, are you 100%, you know, in the reality that it's true? Can you know without a shadow of a doubt, without any doubt at all, that it's true? And this line of questioning, it really just hits where things really are without a story, without any other kind of drama, which, by the way, if you're watching this on YouTube, my cup says save the drama for your Yamaha, okay? I don't like drama. I don't like drama. And. And I think the reason that some, so many of us, Lauren, get caught in these loops of drama is because we actually can become addicted to the, the surge, the rush, you Know the norepinephrine and the cortisol and, and literally the physiology of stress. If, if you look at the science, we can become wired to having loops of drama because it makes us feel alive. You know, I'm curious if you feel this with clients.

I. So here's the line that kills what you just said in a way that's really kind of what, According to science, 80% of our thoughts, over 80% of our thoughts are negative. But that's not the kicker. That's a kick and looping from the day before. They're not new. Even though it could be a new girlfriend, it could be like a good way to think of it is like if you have road rage and you hate people while you're driving, like, hey, get out of the road. Why are you in the fast, right? Every day you do that, right? If it's like how come people won't give you, right? We're not having new upsets. The drama we have, it's really repeating from the day before. And is that an addiction? You betcha. Yeah, you betcha, right? But we really are hunting for it, searching for it and believing it way before it happened. Every day.

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Yeah.

There is the default mode network. There is the kind of wiring that's hardwired to our amygdala where we're constantly searching for threats.

Yep.

Is part of inner you down regulating this default mode network is part of interview giving people the chance to take a breath and pause and not be so reactionary to yesterday's stressors, yesterday's story, yesterday's dramas.

I my favorite thing that I think I do is I make people develop language talk like, find like. So the more whatever you talk about to yourself becomes how you live in. You live right. You live in what you say to yourself. And then most people don't have if I go tell me everything you're scared of. Right. And then like and then I ask you to tell me everything you want for your life, you would find out everything you're scared of can get 25 pages. And everything you want for your life is actually a lot harder to write. What do you want in your family? What do you want with your mother? What do you want? So I make really what I have people do is develop their own language for their dreams for a new inner dialogue start to develop. If you swim in language you need a lot new language. No. Right. You need to know what you want to be saying to yourself. So everything I'm doing is helping a person take basically how the structure works for being and use it for good. So what you'll have to do is write a lot more positive language for yourself. Write your words, write what you're going to say, write your talk back to your negative inner dialogue. Get a buddy, make promises, keep promises. No feeling bad. And then the more you keep promises, the better you feel about yourself. Then you report them. Then you actually lost the five pounds and you gave yourself reward and you decided you get right. So we just don't build towards greatness. Right? And there isn't. And it isn't because we can't. It's because there's no structure and system in order to do that.

Oh, okay, let's pause there. Because this is what happened when I did the 12 areas. And I specifically remember you instructed me, just as you do with Interu. It's like, go through this entire thing and do not hold back. Like, this is your opportunity to look at these 12 areas of your life and just be honest with whatever's coming up with whatever's real. Cause that's actually what the program is running from. And I remembered specifically when it came to money, there was this deep money wound with me where I realized that, oh, my dad wasn't around because he was making money. We were raised on welfare because money was bad and people that had money are evil and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But that really came to a mirror for me because I was able to voice it out. There's something very cathartic, there's something very introspective about actually writing out what we believe to be true. Because otherwise we're the only one that it's reciprocating from. Right. Well, can you talk about this?

Okay, so one of the ways I talk about this, which I'll do, it's like the more profound way is humans. If you can smell it, it must be real. If you can taste it, it must be real. There's a way we create. Like, if you can touch it, it's real. And then we even know there's X rays. So even if you can't see it, it can be real. Well, here's something no one figured out yet. If you won't talk about it, it's because it's real. If I can't tell you I don't like your green shirt on you, it's because it's true. That green, it's the green. If I can't tell you what I want in bed, if I can't tell my husband what I want in bed, it's because he sucks in bed and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Keeping secrets, not that airing things is literally the act of keeping it alive. When you talk about it, when you announce, changes the alchemy, it changes your experience of it. So when you release all your secrets when you talk about your hauntings, it literally goes, well, then what? Now what? But if you never unearth it, it just is true, whether you know it or not, whether it's in the conscious or subconscious. And so what I'm doing is I'm excav. Subconscious bringing it up to conscious and then putting it into okay, now what? Which then has it stopped being a secret? And a secret creates reality. What you hold within you believe.

Yeah.

Okay. And so the changing that property is what you're talking about, right? It's like, the more I say it, the less it's true, the more I can even hear if it's true. And even if I do think it's true, it still begs me to do what's next.

Next I'm. I'm laughing because I've been in a committed relationship that's so powerful for the past six months because it's brought up all my. All right. And we all can relate to this. I know you've been married for quite some time. Being in a relationship is probably. I'm curious how you feel the most powerful or one of the most powerful mirrors of how we actually feel that we'll ever experience in our life. And what I felt from you is like this 12, paragraph 12 section inventory. Whether it's relationship or wealth or job or purpose or anything, it's. It's a way for us to begin the process of cultivating the courage to speak our truth. It's the beginning point of it all. Because. Because otherwise there could be. There could be a point where we're just kind of vomiting, like, oh, I'm going to be courageous, and I'm going to say something. It's like, well, hold on. Let's pause and take an inventory of what we actually believe to be true first and then intelligently go forward in the path of courage.

Yeah. Well, good. It's good to know that in Inner U, we do a whole part on how to have difficult conversations. And one of my favorite things I teach that no one understands is that when you're in a relationship, we think that understanding each other and hearing each other means we agree with each other that you. Okay. Like, you have to see it my way. You have to get how I said it. You have to see how I. I understand. You think it was that way, but it really was this way for me. Right. Like, right. And I'm like, children, people, grownups. Right. That is not listening. That is not even love. Love is caring deeply. It's more parallel than it ever intersects. Right. And wanting to hear each other, wanting to get each other isn't. I need to change you. You need to get me. You need to do something about it. You need to fix this. All of it is so different. Like, this is how this sits for me. This is what I want. This is how I see this moment. Why don't you tell me how you see the moment and what happened for you? Right? So in inter you, I get you not only to figure out what your truth, and that's a moving target is, but really to understand how your truth doesn't actually do anything to make someone else do something differently. Right.

So you go into that a little bit more because that's powerful right there.

Okay. So I was, I just did a. You know, I just, I work with couples, right? And I teach them how to get each other and hear each other. So I don't believe in fighting. Right. Fights happen. Kaboom. Right. And then there is how to resolve any disagreement. Yeah, great. How you resolve any disagreement is no one is right, no one is wrong. Both just tell their side to the story. Both get completely mirrored back. Like, oh, how it was for you. Not. But you didn't say that really. Right? Like we have to agree, we need to intersect on the truth. No, that doesn't exist at all. What exists is you give a deep shit about hearing the other person's perspective just as much as you want them to give a shit about hearing your perspective.

So good.

And it's parallel. Parallel lines never meet.

Yeah.

So you go, I wanted dinner at 6 o'. Clock. You came home and I told you and you said you'd be home at 6 and it's 6:32 and you didn't even call. It hurt my feelings. It fucked me up. And I thought, you know, and then you didn't even care. And then when you walked in, you pretended like nothing was wrong. And that makes me think you're an asshole who doesn't actually think or care about me.

Oh.

So when I came home at 6:32, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like they give it back completely. I'm so. And then you even. I'm sorry. I get it. I see why you're pissed. Can you please forgive me? I hear you. Yes, I can forgive you. What? Do you have a request? Do you need something from me? Yes. Can you promise that if you're going to be late, you text, I'm sorry, I can't promise that. Right. Like maybe the answer is no or the answer's yes. Right. And if the answer's no, Go. Listen, the answer's no. But how about this? Because I'm working. I'm up to my eyeball, you know, I'm a venture capital. I'm very busy. I'm a doctor, I'm delivering babies. Right. Like here's what I can promise you. I will always text you before I leave the office. If I text you and ask you what you think, will you give me speculation? I can speculate for you.

You.

Great. That's it. Right. I love you. I love you. Goodbye.

Yeah.

Right. And how it was for me is I'm delivering a baby. I'm doing this. I don't know. Like, I know I said I'd be home at 6:30. I didn't know she was going to go into delivery. I should have told you when she went in. That was my bad. Right. Oh, shit. Like people don't ever listen to each other to actually get to the solve and just hear each other and understand different realities will never overlap. And they don't. They. That person is not trying to screw with you and you're not trying to screw with them. If you actually believe you're both trying to screw with each other. For real.

Yeah.

Break up. If you don't respect each other, you don't want to hear what the other really has to say equal to yours. Break up.

This is like a vulnerable moment for me because this literally happened yesterday. And I think everybody can relate to this. Like having some kind of either past life or third generational or epigenetic dream killer like you talked about. There. There was something with me where I saw a narrative from my father that women do this. Women are like this. And it was like literally in print and almost like a cattle prod, you know, Women are like this quote, quote, and doing this work with you and understanding like, oh, that actually isn't true. But yet it's still playing out. Ah, let me practice the awareness of the story that's coming up in the moments. And then of course, the emotion that's charged with it, that's the inflection point. Lauren. That's when we're the most triggered, is when it's the most pivotal for love to be inserted. And love, as you said, is just the truth. It's whatever is.

Yeah, yeah. Though many couples deserve a timeout because the concept that we are not children and we don't lose our shit.

Yes.

And that we don't blow or fight. Right. Or have a temper. Right. Like we need timeout and we need to like be ready to give up our point of view and really just share and hear. Right. So that Sometimes it takes 20 minutes, sometimes you can do it in the moment. Right. But there really is, when there's a fight or when there's a disagreement, both parties need to understand what I just taught. And you both agree to it because you surrender your righteousness, you surrender your point of view. You just want to hear each other. You're both equal and you both have to do this and this. You're like, do you and David do this? I'm like, every time?

Yeah.

And then honest to God, you're like, how often do you have blow ups ever with your husband? And I'm like once to twice a year. Ever. And then they get better and better because when you're not. How dare you. You don't respect me. You. If you love me, you. Right. And you know, if you go into love languages or people are different. Right. Which we are. Right. We don't interpret things the same way. We don't do anything the same way. And so this is the end of pretending you should.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Truly.

There, there's a piece from our last conversation and I'll link our interview where we talked about Mark Hyman. Your work with Mark. And he actually, he talks about interview too. He said the level of integrity to which she holds herself talking about Lauren and me has amazed and inspired me. That's why I recommend them and partner with them. You know, I even think about the definition of the word integrity. Integrity is about the state of being whole. It's the state of being undivided. Right?

Yes.

There's no division. We're all together. Do you ever have this sense when you work with people like Hyman or when you work with people that influence, quote, other influencers, that the level of their integrity will literally be absorbed by the people that follow them. In other words, integrity bleeds further. Integrity.

I, I really, you know, the, the concept that there's a collective unconscious and that birds of a feather flock together and that we together like that, you know, you go, well, how did religion happen? Right? Like once upon, like people spread it, people believed it, people got together and followed it. People, you know, believed it and then they, and then it infused the ritual to make the miracles. Right. I believe in the humans coming together, not that Jesus landed right. And so I do believe that leaders create a whole different way to be a leader. And then everyone gets it. It upgrades the system. It's like everyone knows now how to use the Internet. Once Upon a time I was there when there was no such thing. Right. And then how many people had to use it before it became like, I want one, I could do it. How do you dial up? Right? And then it. So there. So I do believe in mass, right? Like, you know the day, you know, when you're gay and you don't need a parade anymore. That, like, how many parades do gay people need till they don't need parades? Because gay is normal.

Yeah.

Right. So there, there's spectacle, then everyone gets it's possible. And then it become. And it's extreme. And then more extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme. Until it becomes normal and it doesn't even need it anymore. It's just a fun day. Right. So do I think that's how it goes? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let's. I love that because I've never thought of that before. And it plants a seed in my mind for anything else in our society where there's a pain body that exists. Because I think the reason that people are even drawn to becoming a better human or this inner you program is because we all have, deep down, a sense of what is love and what is fear. Don't you think that if we strip away all the bullshit and we just get down to if, if we didn't have any conditioning, if we didn't have any past life, if the epigenetic dream killer wasn't in Source and we just could honestly tell ourselves and the people we love, hey, I just made a decision from love or from fear? There's no story attached to it. I'm just going to own that I made that decision. Do you think that in our current reality, that's our work, to always go down to either love or fear? And I know it sounds reductionistic, but isn't that really at the base of it all?

I could do lower self. Higher self. Higher self always believes in love and telling the truth and not being attached to the results. Lower self always thinks it better con, manipulate, figure out how to strategize because the world is not a kind place. Right. Well, both are true. Right? Which one are you picking? Both are true. Truth is really fucking relative. And that's really the most interesting thing. Most people's truths have very few facts in them.

Yes. And that truth came from what exactly?

The truth. It's what we, you know. So there really is. So there really is what we're doing, like the action you're taking. And then there's your attitude, how you feel, what it makes you think about, like what it gives you Emotionally. So I go, you, I go humans. There's spiritual integrity, which is what you say to yourself. There's emotional integrity. It's how does that make you feel? And then there's physical integrity, which is what you're doing at every. Like, so there's. And they are all happening simultaneously. You are thinking, feeling and doing all at the same time. And you have to break into the system. The feeling, like how you feel is a result, right? Like that's the one that comes from your thoughts or your action. So your action, you change your action, you will think and feel different, differently. You change your thought, you will act and feel differently. Right. The feeling is the. Is the main magnetic force. Right. So I'm always coming after thoughts or actions. Okay. Because feeling is the magnet. I feel wonderful, then I believe wonderful things can happen. I know it to be true. Right? And then you're like, you know what, I should call my mother and just tell her I love her. Right? And then, oh, that went so well. What else am I going to do today? You know, I should go for a run, right? It. Right. That's all love based, higher self.

Yeah.

Integrity.

This is big for me because you mentioned spiritual, emotional, physical. It's no surprise that we're here in 2020. Almost by the time that people hear this, it'll be right before 2020, guys. A new decade. Hello. So literally in like two days, it's going to be 2020. If you're listening to this podcast, and I think so many of us, what draws people to Wellness Force Lauren is, is exactly what we stand for. And that is this discovering process of this physical and emotional intelligence so we can live our life well. And I don't know how you feel about this, but I've always felt this way and I just didn't know it until this year. Intelligence is not how smart you are. Intelligence is our ability to gather the right resources to apply and trust and have accountability, like inner you. And then lastly, most importantly, it's to embody, you know, to actually lock the lessons in our body so that when people are talking to us, they feel us rather than have to understand us. What's your sense on this, on this continuum here? This gather, apply and embody.

So when in 2006, when I started handout group, like stop being an individual coach and started handout group, I trademarked and owned personal integrity like no one owned it. Is that the funniest fucking thing ever? Right? Nobody cared about personal integrity. You can't buy anything in the trademark mill and self Help. I own personal integrity, okay? Ha ha, ha. And I thought that was funny because nobody wanted it. Ha ha, ha. Anyway, what I say is that your. Your dreams, your vision for yourself, your actions and how you feel are all aligned. And that's integrity. That's the whole. Right? So my most important, like, everything you're saying is saying the exact same thing. Thing, right? Like, I don't hear anything different. That's the language I use for what you just said. And most people don't like, the reason the 12 areas are so valuable is because you don't just get to put all your eggs in the career basket. There's 12 areas of life. There's 12 dreams you're accountable for. And most people don't know. They know three, right? And they want to. And then they don't realize that these 12. There's actually 13. But the 13th area is death, which really does matter, and it really is an important place. But, you know, people can't handle that quite yet. Anyway, we'll get another podcast.

That's a whole nother podcast, Lauren.

That's a whole nother podcast, right? But. But as they enter the new year, right, if you go, lauren, do you do your 12 areas over every fucking year? And I'm like, like, yes, I do. I make 12 new dreams because I'm in love with dreaming and I'm in love with developing my own language for my own aspirations, whatever the hell they are. It's not about. It's about me being truthful to whatever I aspire to, right? And then I share them so people can hold me accountable. And then I have a promise tracker, just like I put in Interview so that no one. I don't. And I have consequences because I am not to be trusted, right? Because I am human, right? I like, snooze. I like the dark side. The other difference between me and, like, shaming is I don't think there's anything wrong with being dark, right? I think dark is dark. Like, night is night and light is light. And if you're dark, you'll stay in bed and you won't care and enjoy, right? But if you want to really get up, you'll put in a consequence, pay your bill, and then do it again, right? Like, figure that out.

Yeah.

So I do not shame the dark side. I want it to be free and expressed.

And then you can choose. Because when there's no shame, choice can do whatever it wants to do. You can have free will, you can have choice.

If there's no shame, people do not know how good that feels.

But if there's shame there, Lauren, there's nothing that can really come from a place of love. When choosing because shame is present, shame is like a shadow that really doesn't allow the son of choice to come in. So it's like we're all dying for a tan here.

Guilt ourselves. We lie about it, pretend we're not. Like, we're so full of shit. That's where the face your fears is. Don't lie.

Yeah. And this learning curve, you talk about this with Inner U. You say, we sure weren't born with instructions. Consider this your humanual. Each session of Interu has the four parts. The method, the demo, the work, the usual cues. We're getting to the end of the show and I can't believe how fast time goes with you because there's just a cool flow state with you. And I know people are feeling this, like, this is the new year, the new decade we're stepping into. Can you share with us who this is really for? You know, like, who is Interu for besides all human beings? But there's a certain type of human that's drawn to this work.

So it's the person, it's like the P90X for life, right? It's the person who wants to have an epic life. It doesn't mean that you have to wanna make billions and you have to want. Like, it is not about. Like, my mother does interu, and she's 82 years old and she has dreams. And her dream that blew her mind was she was bored, she didn't have enough friends. Like, she wasn't having a good time. And so she created a dream of having new, more fun friends. And she loves to cook. And so she made a promise to have 10 dinner parties. One, like, basically one a month. And to have at least two other couples at the dinner party. And then she got my dad in on it. And then I literally introduced her to people so she would. So it literally is like. And that was the area of community and friendship, right? And then that's different than going, like, what you would do for money and enjoy. Like, so if we're not dreaming, we're not inventing what's possible for our own lives. And then this whole system is about being true to yourself once you know what true to yourself actually is.

This is lifetime access. This is not something that is going to go away because not only do people subscribe to this, they get a coaching session with an HD coach, they get homework assignments. The Promise Tracker. This is really about creating a framework for external accountability. Like, hello, hello, we're not in this alone. So if you're looking for something this year that allows you to step into true accountability where you're not just gonna, like, buy. So here's what happens. People buy programs and then they just never use them. Yeah, no, that's not happening with interview because you have to meet with someone. Yeah, you actually, like, part of the requirements is that you meet with someone. So you actually were really, really kind enough to give us a discount here. And you can go to wellnessforce.com enter you. You get 75 bucks off you guys. Just use the code wellnessforce force75. That's wellnessforce.com inner u with a U. Lauren, we asked you this question a year ago. Tell us how you feel about wellness now. What is wellness to you? You know, how do you define wellness? Has anything changed in a year for you about how you actually see wellness in your life?

Well, You know, I think my favorite thing that I've been teaching recently about wellness, that I believe, and I love believing it. And it's like my new favorite, like, dope to give out is in wellness is we believe in getting sick. You never have to get sick, right? I don't get sick. I don't believe in sickness. I don't believe in germs passing. I don't believe in. I believe that, like, if I eat like this, this exercise like this, and, and keep my basic promises, I will live to 120. Right. And so my, my real wellness belief is you better figure out what you believe, human, because it's coming to a theater near you. Right. And so that's. So what do I believe is I believe humans haven't even begun to believe in what they can do with wellness.

Wellness is the state of mind. You heard it here on Wellness Force. And Lauren, we covered a lot of ground today. This was uber flow state for me. I mean, when we look at being a better human, you know, this is the whole ethos behind this program. What did we miss? You know, what's, what's the parting guidance that you can give all of us when we look at being a better human?

In order to change an area of your life you're stuck in, like, you really are stuck in money. You really are. You need to go, go. You need to really do the haunting work because a human has to change their mind, change their belief, and you can't, like, okay, I'm now going to believe this. Yeah, I'll say it over and over in a mantra. No. It's like, I don't want to be a cheater in this area. I want to believe in this. You're going to in human form, you have to change an action. Right. I can't get you out of the actions you have to change. And when you have a past precedent, like you have something that you believe from the past that came from your dad, honest to God, you need to go have that conversation with your dad. Right. Like you need to go to the very person you cheated on and apologize even though it was 19 years ago. If you want to stop being a cheater, like, go get the pitcher of beer over your head. There's usually one action in that big area that can change your life and you should figure it out.

And you don't have to figure it out alone. Yeah, you can. You can and you will. If you're feeling it, just trust your guidance system. You know, I don't care if you listen to Abraham Hicks or not. We all have like an internal guidance system. Yes. So if you're feeling the guidance towards this coaching with Lauren, do not mistrust yourself. This is coming up for a reason. Just go to wellnessforce.com enter you. The code is wellnessforce75. We'll link it in the show notes today. Lauren, thank you for your work. Hands together like deep bow. It's just such a pleasure to have been able to work with you in a session and to have you coming back to Wellness Force for the second time. Like you're doing such powerful work in the world and we're wishing you love and wellness.

Thank you. Same even more for you. Rock it out, man.

I received that. All right, you guys, we'll talk to you soon. Hey, thanks for listening to the show, my friend. Everything you learned on this podcast starts with your morning practices. So from over 300 world class guests, we pulled together six simple yet powerful morning practices down into a 21 minute system guaranteed to increase your vibration and the way that you feel every day. Get this free powerful guide over@wellnessforce.com M21 and if you love this show, share it with somebody. Share it with somebody that you love or that you care about. You can support the show easily by leaving us a five star review on iTunes. Just go to wellnessforce.com review or if you're on your phone, just tap it. Hit the link in purple that says review this podcast and the journey does not stop here. We're continuing this discovering process in our private Facebook group over@wellnessforce.com group you can be a part of it. You already are. All you have to do is join us@wellnessforce.com group and I will welcome you at the door. Now go out into your life and live your life well. All and until I see you again real soon, I'm wishing you love and wellness.