This is a transcript excerpt of a YouTube interview with Alison Armstrong in which she reframes shame in men as an indicator of honor and explains a structured process she calls "noble forgiveness." Armstrong argues shame signals a man’s deep commitment and that properly owned shame, followed by self-forgiveness and specific commitments, restores a man’s honor and re-engages him with life, relationships, and leadership. The excerpt outlines a three-part internal process (acknowledgement without justification; clarity about values and future commitments; willingness to pay the social/personal price) and contrasts "new kings" with mature leaders.
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Most men think when they feel shame that it means they're dishonorable, which is horrific for a man to think that he's dishonorable. And this is my message to all men. Only honorable men feel shame. The shame is the sign that you're honorable. It's the indicator that you're honorable. Dishonorable people, men and women, feel no shame. No matter what harm they've done to anyone, they feel no shame. Shame is a sign of honor, an indicator. Honor, a function of honor. So we have a process called noble forgiveness. We teach it in extreme freedom and in being extraordinary as a man. And noble forgiveness, you can do it for yourself if you can provide for yourself. Listening to yourself as an honorable person, restoring your honor. Sometimes you need another person who's going to hear you that way. And women complete this exercise when they've seen how they've emasculated men in the Understanding Men course online, when they realize how much they've harmed men, and they do a written noble forgiveness. I harmed this person by. I harmed this person when 0. Justification 0. If you're justifying, you are not heading into the shame. But my husband was the one that pointed this out. He said the worst thing about shame is it disconnects you from your own spirit. Disconnects you from your own spirit. So I have found one of the greatest privileges of my life is to be on the other side of noble forgiveness. Because when people are saying what they're ashamed of, having done that harmed themselves or another, you see who they really are. The shame comes from failing at what you're profoundly committed to. It's just the opposite. And most women can't listen to men express what they're ashamed of because we feel your hurt and we want to take away your hurt. And unfortunately, how we try to take away your hurt is by saying, but you couldn't have. Like, I didn't protect her. I didn't protect her. I should have been there. But, honey, you couldn't have. You're not Superman. That's one of the biggest insults you can give a man. Like, you think you're so powerful. You could have protected our daughter from thousands of miles away. Yes, I do, and I should have. But we'll try to be logical, just like you guys try to talk us out of her feelings. So funny. This literally just happened yesterday. Yes, so we try to talk you out of feeling bad instead of when you say, I'm so ashamed of myself for doing that, or, I'm so ashamed of myself for not doing that the appropriate response is, thank you for owning that. Anything else about that, and you just pull the string and if. And it might be, oh, and I harmed this person that way too, and this person that way and this person that way, or I betrayed myself this way and this other way and this other way. You just pull a string, just. Yep. I harmed myself when I gave in to this. I harmed myself when I didn't tell the truth about that. I harmed myself when. Thank you for owning that. Thank you for owning that. Until the answer to the question, do you forgive yourself? Until the answer is yes. Now, I'm ruthless in freeing people. Freedom is my highest value, the power to choose. I'm ruthless about it in being extraordinary as a man. Course I. I pulled out all the stops. Because, see, here's the thing. When a man feels shame, biggest failure. It's. Biggest failure that he could possibly confront. Let's say that he did something here in this part of the river, right? And he is deeply ashamed of the way that he failed himself or others. He won't ever go there again. He'll go everywhere but there to protect himself from ever failing like that again. He thinks that's his penance, the pain that he's in to withdraw from his family. The men who leave their children because they're sure their children are better off without them, but then they realize, oh, but they also are harmed by me not being there, right? Women don't know. Most of the decisions y' all make is because you think we'd be better off without you. Men take their lives because they think we'll be better off without you. Men leave their children, they'll be better off without me. I make their mother crazy. They'll be better off without me. I can't handle my temper. They're better off without me, Right? Right. But the thing is, you're missing. You're missing from this part of life, whether it's love or being an entrepreneur again, right? And going and kicking some ass with that creativity and productivity, right? Being a father, showing up when they're 35 years old. Like, how about we try this now? Right? Like. But men stay away from this in order to never feel like that again. And how I have challenged men to forgive themselves, and it's why we call them noble forgiveness. Noble comes from the word that means generous. To forgive yourself is a generous act because when you forgive yourself and it'll take courage to forgive yourself, life is going to call you back to the place you've been avoiding. It's going to call you back. It's going to. When you say, yes, I forgive myself, it's like, it goes, and it opens this space that's just asking for a commitment. And when I work with people on noble forgiveness, it's like, don't decide ahead of time what you're going to commit to, because you're still in the paradigm of penance. You'll commit to something in order to make up for when you've truly forgiven yourself. There's no making up for anything. There's just expression as who you are now. Pure expression. And it's bigger than any penance you could pay. And it's so much better, so much better. Liberating. It feels so liberating because you're reunited with yourself. That was the thing my husband was speaking to. And so this is why, when there's that shame and the theory at the people that seem to demand the betrayal, if you pay attention to the fury and you're just pissed at people, instead of heading into the scariest part, stick your face in the same, right? Feel it. How did I fail? And quit justifying it. Just acknowledge it then. So that's how you get past the first stage, right? And then being there in the middle of seeing then this sense of, okay, this is who I am. And starting to the middle part is the articulation of, I am this and not that. I am for this and not for that. I am for this, and I'm against that. This I shall do. This I shall never do again. This that I should have done, I'm never going to do. It's just this clarity, clarity, clarity. It's just deeply considering oneself. Then the third part, and I knew a man stuck in the third part for more than two years. The third part is dealing with the willingness to pay the price of no longer betraying yourself. I knew a man who was so terrified of losing the love of his family, his siblings, by what he knew he needed to do, that he couldn't do it, couldn't do it, couldn't do it. And I'm like, call me back when you've done it. Because we couldn't be together because he hadn't done it. I want to hear from you when you have spoken to your sister and not before. And it took him two years to finally tell his sister his truth. And he called me. He said, I should have given her more credit. She always knew who he was. She always knew. She knew he was miserable. She knew why she didn't withhold her love because of what he said he couldn't do anymore. No. Nor did his brothers. But he didn't know that. But you can't step into. You don't come out of the tunnel till you're willing to pay the price. Okay. If I lose my sister's love, so be it. If I lose those people's respect, so be it. If I lose those opportunities, so be it. That is. When you step out. Now, what's going to show up in the king's code, they showed me a couple weeks ago, is the difference between a new king, which. There was a man who said this to me, I'm a new king. I'm like, what the heck is that? The difference between a new king versus a really well established king. There's a. There's a. It's the gravitas and it's the how much space you're owning and it's the how little you can be jostled. New kings, you're still confronted by the unwillingness to sacrifice yourself. It's still scary later on. It's just like somebody farted. No way am I going to betray myself for that. It becomes less and less and less and less. More and more solid, more and more grounded. Okay, I'm gonna be quiet. So the king rests in peace, is what it feels like. The peace of knowing who he is. Yes. And.
