A YouTube interview (host Josh Trent with Alison Armstrong) discussing dating advice and male–female dynamics, centered on Alison’s core recommendation that women should not lead with sexuality or sensuality because it can provoke primitive, destabilizing reactions in men. The conversation covers concepts from Alison’s work (the Queen’s Code), distinctions between care and love for men, an anecdote about a student (Claire) whose partner proposed six months after moving in, and the idea that emasculation (diminishing a man’s power) triggers fear-based reactions that do not increase safety.
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When a man encounters his type, right? Or even not his type, but a woman who's exuding a lot of sexual and sensual energy, it can. It can just make you hungry or you may already be hungry, and it has to occur like the perfect refrigerator. And. And it create. It creates a Take. Energy. It's very primitive. And it's why I coach women. Do not lead with your sexuality and your sensuality. You're going to bring out the worst in men. They. You. And then you're gonna think it's them. You're gonna think that's who he is. You're inciting a riot, and you think they're writers. And it. It's something that. To be responsible for, like men, you guys can do the same thing. When you get yourself all snazzied up and you're leading with your A game, you. You can cause all kinds of attraction in women, and you can literally bring out the worst in women because they're so off balance. They. They won't be honest. They won't be themselves. They're trying to recover their balance, and their response can very well be to attack you.
How did that lesson work out for Claire?
Oh, my gosh, She's. She's one of my best students. She is exceedingly happily married to a man who she met on a dating app. And. And they talked a lot on the phone, and then they met. And I found out later his reaction when he first met her. We can swear, right? I already said yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, good. I believe in truth. So I found out later he. When he first met her, he thought, oh, I could really care about this girl. And. Which is the thing that I try to teach women. To care. To care is the biggest expenditure of energy for a man. It's. I've talked to men about love versus care. They say care is bigger. And. And to be free is. To not care is what many, many people. You know, to not care is to be carefree. Yeah, I don't want to care. And so to meet somebody that you're like, ugh, you care about her. And then he had this whole plan, right? We're gonna. So we'll date for at least a year, and then we'll. And then we can move in together. And then we'll move. We'll live together for at least a year, and then we could get engaged. Well, they moved in at six months, and six months later, he proposed to her. And. And I teased him about it, and he goes, well, my plans always turned out before. And I said, well, meeting someone you're not willing to live without can change everything.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah. And he went, oh, yeah.
I love, I love the stories that you tell and I love how you said that fiction makes people feel like they're not on the spot. I really like that. I've never thought about that before because, you know, back in the days, the olden days when there was a shaman and somebody was sick in the village, they. They would go to the shaman and the shaman would say, well, when did you stop dancing? When did you stop telling stories, hearing stories? When did you stop admiring the mystery of life? And when did you stop spending time with yourself? It would be those four things that, you know, all the Native American shamans and even over in Peru and across the world would ask. And I think it's so interesting that you teach through story that it allows men and women to not feel on the spot, which would essentially trigger their nervous system. That may spark more emasculation or more off kilter behavior. Like, like you'd mention if you were to wave a magic wand. I know you don't have one. Or maybe you do. If you were to wave a magic wand over the minds of women and of course, men, we have our work too. I'm going to repeat that again. What would, what would you instill? What, what chips, what information would you put in there? That would be a lifetime of work for women to do on just this subject of emasculation.
Dang, Josh. It would be everything that's in the Queen's Code.
All right, y', all, you gotta go get the Queen's code. Okay, we're gonna link in the show notes right below where you're watching.
Don't just read it, listen to it.
Queen's Code, actually. Yes, listen to it. Because the story is. The story is amazing.
Yeah, it's. It's. I. I've been listening to it because I. I'm doing something called the Queen's Code Journey, which I'll do again because I really wanted to be there for people while, while they were listening to it because it's so intense. And you were right when you said you could hear it in my voice. There were times I broke down when I was.
You had to stop recording.
I had to. I had to. I. I was sobbing. There are times when I was sobbing. And I mean, it starts with, what if men aren't supposed to be like women? And then that when a man doesn't do what a woman would do, we take it personally. We think he would do What a woman would do if he cared about us enough or loved us enough or respected us enough. What if that's not true? And then noticing the impulse to diminish a man's power, a man's ability, and why we think we need to do that, and then notice, does emasculation actually work? And that was the thing that helped me and helped Kimberly to give it up, to recognize that causing a man to experience rage or fury, which emasculation can do, never makes you safer. Never makes you safer. So once we figure out it doesn't work, then we can start getting curious about what would work. And you mentioned this at the beginning, Josh. I wrote it in order to transform the way women relate to men. And one of the things I'm the most tickled by is how much it's changing the way men relate to themselves. And. And ultimately, if a man can understand what triggers a woman to emasculate, you all don't have to agree to be emasculated. If you cannot take it personally. If you can see fear. If you can see fear, instead of, you know, this is coming after me. If you can see she's terrified. This is a fear biter. So they call it amongst dogs, right? There's aggressive dogs, and then there's fear biters. And so many women are fear biters. And if we can. If you can know that, right? And then just hold your ground when a woman's going through what she's going through, right? And keep. Be. Keep being you. You being you has us feel the safest when we look over and you're still you. Right? There's a lot we can deal with when we see that. And we. We know we're full of shit. We really do. And when you guys buy it, then we're bummed when you don't buy it.
That's such an ultimate paradox. But it is so. I feel like you're speaking to my soul right now, Alison.
We're bummed. We're truly bummed. When you buy it.
Yes.
Because when you don't buy it, the best way to put it is then we know you can save us from our worst enemy.
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