Being Radically Honest Saved My Relationship

Through this relationship, I've definitely. You've mirrored so many, like, deep. Deep. Yeah. Wounds in me that I probably would have never moved through if it wasn't for our relationship. So you're thanking me for staying. I'm thinking you for staying through all the. The hard times. And, yeah, you're really such a solid, devoted man, and I'm so glad we're coming out on the other side. I know there's still a lot of work to continue, but it just feels good to be honest. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And be in truth.

Yeah. Yeah. So about it, for. For everyone here, what. What it was was I. I knew that I. I should have left. I should have given you more space in the beginning to heal. And. And you mirrored that back in your own way and so going. I think you even mentioned something to us, like, if. If you honor the past, then you can actually live free in the. In the present. Something like that. You can speak to that, please, in your own words in a minute. But, yeah, for me, it was, like, really, really going to the parts of myself that I had left when I met you, because I had this grand vision of, like, I saw the sunset with us, but I, like, missed the tar pit. You know, I was just, like. I was so focused on the sunset, which, you know, we're in it now. I mean, I'm watching the sunset with you now. Like, holy shit, we're on the other side of it, you know, and of course, there'll be other things that come up, but, like, I love you enough to stay committed to this 2.0, to this new relationship that we've created. But I'll tell you, it felt way different than I thought it would feel to, like, be in true union and be in honesty. And I think it really. It actually forced me to become more of an adult, more of a responsible man, and just be fully honest with you, because that's all you've ever wanted. You've just wanted me to be honest from the very beginning. And there was this thread of, like, me not being honest with me and not loving myself enough to say, like, no, you actually need time to heal, and this doesn't feel right for me. And. And here we are anyways, like, we're here. So, like, the honoring of the past is so good because, God, it just creates some spaciousness. It creates this, like, I don't have to lie to you about anything. Like, we were at the fire the other night, and you're like, well, just don't tell me anything that you think will make me upset. And I'm like, no, I'm going to tell you everything that that may or may not make you upset, because that's choosing me. I'm choosing myself. And then you can rest in that. You can actually be like, okay, Josh trusts himself. He loves himself enough to be honest with me about everything, which is. It's literally, I think, on some core cellular level, your body was, like, crying out for that, which was adding to the resistance, like, the separation with us. So, yeah, I think in the past, I was like, it's all you, but it's not. It never is.

Never. Yeah, I would. For me, it really felt like in order for us to be good, that I needed to change all these ways about myself and that I was the source of all your pain and that. But no matter how much suffering and pain you were in, you weren't going to leave. And if you were going to leave, I was the one that had to do it, which was, oh, just so heartbreaking, you know? And I think all along, I'm just like, if he's not happy, why can't he just be honest with that and be. And decide to, you know, separate? Like, why do I have to be the one to do that? And I think, yeah, you talk about this all along, I needed this truth, which is true. Like, ever since you've come back home and you've shared that part of, like, just being honest about everything, about the beginning of our relationship, what you really felt and you didn't honor, like, and you feeling okay if we stay together or not was such a. A hu. Something shifted in me.

Yeah.

Like, you freed up space for me to be. Like, now I can fully choose you. Because a lot of times you feel like I have one foot in, one foot out, and I'm like, God, I didn't want to admit that to you, but I did. And I didn't know what that was. And I. Now I can see that I didn't know if you were going to love me beyond our relationship. And that was something I was, like, graveling with. I couldn't really get to the root of. But when you came back and said, I will be okay without you and I will still love you, that, like, yeah, that deeply, Deeply, like, shifted something for me, because now I know that you're choosing me from a place of love and that you really want us, and. And now I can choose you. Like, this is the man I've always. I've been waiting for and that I've always wanted. And something feels really different about that.

Ye.

It feels different when you can truly choose someone and you're not playing from. You're not choosing someone out of fear of losing them or wanting to keep them from all these places. It just create. Yeah, it just created that whole. Yeah. Avoidant and anxious attachment, which I hated. I hated so much.

The anxious avoidant dance fucking sucks. Yeah, it sucks for everyone. Yeah. So I wrote you this 15 page letter that came, you know, through guidance of Margot. Like, a lot of things have come through you when I'm with you and when I'm not with you. Like, just little things you say, like all of a sudden click in when I haven't. Like after our session, actually. And. And yeah, so in the letter, I really searched my soul and I. I had heard like, shout out to Josh McMurtry, our. Our friend. Like he had told me once, three, four years ago in Encinitas. He was like, yeah, you know, if Aaron, if my wife decided that her soul wanted to be with someone else, I would have to choose to love her and respect her and honor her and the fact that. That she wouldn't be with me anymore. And at the time I was like, what the. What do you talk. How do you do that? How do you love someone even when they're not with you? Like, that feeling of. Of us not being together actually felt like death. It felt like somebody stabbing me with a sword. Like true physical death almost. Now I know it was nervous system tied to egoic death, but. But yeah. And then I heard my brother say it. My brother James told me this about his wife too, once. And same thing. It was maybe a year and a half ago, two years ago. And I was like, how is that? I had no idea. I didn't have like, the faculty of how to do that. Like, how do I love you regardless of if you're with me or not? And so, yeah, I'm like kind of shaking right now because my nervous system is still learning this. Like, it's still learning how to be in that truth. Like, that's from my heart. Like, I. I'm going to love you no matter what. Like, if you're. If you're with me or not. Like you're the mother of my children. I knew from the time we talked about it that it was true. And so, yeah, Margo, I'd love for you to speak to that this true. Like, death of fear of abandonment, fear of someone not loving me. Fear of how this plays out in relationships. You know, you don't just work with us. You work With a lot of people, I'm sure you feel this. Yeah, a lot. So I think it's like, whoo. I mean, it's a lot of energy for me to share right now, but. But it's real. Because how many couples are literally killing each other? You know, just killing each other because they just don't. They just don't have the awareness of this. This anger and projections that they learn from their parents or grandparents or lineage or whatever. It just. It plays out in relationship. And. And people that really love each other end up splitting up because they don't have the courage to go into the darkest, blackest pit and be like, well, why do I feel that for me, why do I feel that in the first place? Like, what. How did that even get created? And, of course, it came from my father, you know, speaking really terrible things about my mom and my mom speaking terrible things about my father, and just seeing how that was an unconscious example that I was living out, and I was literally, like, shoving that onto you. And of course, that's not fair at all. So what do you. What do you make of that? Like, what is that with people, with men and women or just any. Any couples? Like, how. How does that play out? And what's the true. The truth of that?

Well, what is. You know, we all like, what is love? I mean, all the love songs in the world, and. And love is not grasping. Love is not I love you if I love you. And we put that on our children and our parents put it on us. I love you if you get good grades. I love you if, you know, and that's not love. And we're. You know, I'd say one thing I love about getting older. I see proof of evolution. We didn't have language for this 20 years ago. We didn't have language of trauma 10 years ago. I've worked closely with Gabor Mate and compassionate inquiry. So compassionate inquiry. And that's how I've been working with you. And I say it's. It's actually helped me how I relate to life. You. You feel this warmth. You feel this connection. You feel this attachment. So you see behaviors and you connect with them or not. But then you inquire, like, all of this work is. Is, well, what do you want of this? Like, when I. I saw you both loving each other so much, and yet this confusion of what that needs to look like because we're. We're hereditary, generational trauma gets passed on. And I also see all of our ancestors looking at this moment going, we didn't know how to make it good, can you? And we're like, yes, we are actually changing this understanding of love. That's why it's such an honor to be with both of you. And I saw this great potential, the love you had and the willingness to really search within. And this strong woman that said, oh, excuse me. And you calling it feminism or whatever, it's like. And now. And now there's some softening in you. And you're not calling it feminism. You're not calling it. You know, you're just like, oh, you just wanted me to be present and be honest. Like, I remember that look. Like, what? That's all. You know, it was just so. There's so many beautiful little moments of working with this clay. And when I sat with you not too long ago, and you're just like, I just need time to rest. And your sinuses and your heart felt so hard. And I went, josh, this could kill you. This could make you really sick. You do need rest. And that was like, maybe you go stay in your studio and just, you know, it's not like time out. It was just time away of this man needs his rest. And then mama bear here saying, I have two babies. I can't go just rest. And it's just like, well, just go with the flow with your babies. You know, there's something I trust that you can do this. And you both found it. And it wasn't like, you know, break up the fight at all. It was like, find your essence. And then within that, because you know how to do self work, there was so much information, but you led. I just inquired, you know, and that's the work. And so everything I'm doing with you now, you get to put it out in the world. I'm just gonna go float in the ocean in Maui. Thank you very much.

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