Connor Beaton: The Art of Conflict + Communication In A Relationship

Finding the relationship, that just feels good, brother. It just feels good, sister. Those don't actually exist.

Yeah. And. And what does exist is the reality of the human experience, which is sometimes it's going to be messy and sometimes it's going to be conflict. And so what I talked about in the book is, like, find a woman that you want to do conflict with. Find a woman that you can trust enough to go through those hard conversations and hard times with, because you're probably going to do it anyways. You know, you're going to lose parents, you're going to lose family members. Shit's going to go wrong in your business or your career. And so, you know, if you can have somebody that's along for the ride with you, that you respect enough to move through some of that conflict with, you're much more likely to show up in a respectful way, to want to prioritize figuring out what's happening within you as a man, and then subsequently become somebody who's willing to move through that. That conflict yourself. And that's the really important part, because it's easy for us to point the finger at the other person and say, this. This is your doing. This is your fault. Yeah. As I. As I write in the book, like, it's easier for a man to say fuck you than it is to say, I'm hurt. And so practicing that in the relationship of, like, actually, I'm just. I feel hurt right now or I feel embarrassed or I feel ashamed that I forgot to do that, you know? Yeah, that's a much harder thing to do. But that's the thing that's going to not only develop your competence within a relationship and build trust, but it's going to strengthen your own sense of inner confidence, because you'll be sending a signal to yourself of like, oh, I can do the hard thing in my relationship and not buckle and not back away and not shut down and not point the finger and become blaming or defensive.

There's a couple really good things there. The first one is that Vienna was the type of human, the type of person that wanted to do that work.

Right.

I believe she's an Ms. Nft, correct?

Yeah. She's a marriage therapist. Yeah.

So with her background, that was probably some of the tether, some of the energy of y' all getting together is that, you know, your psyche felt, maybe in an unconscious way, oh, this person's really good to do the work with.

That.

Was that part of the connection?

That was. That was part of it. I think the other part of it Was that I just respected who she was as a person, how she operated, how she know, treated herself, her core tenants, her values. I just, I deeply respected her as, as a human being, as a woman specifically. She had values that I really appreciated. She had lived a life that I appreciated. And so I, I think that's a very important thing. I think we often underestimate how important respect is within the context of relationship. You know, like I've, I say this all the time of like women want to be with men that they respect and, and when women start to lose. And of course I'm talking within a heterosexual context, but I think that's just a human being thing. You know, like we want to be with people that we respect. And so yeah, I think when I first met her I was like, oh, here's somebody that I just deeply respect and admire and appreciate and, and I can, you know, doesn't mean that she doesn't have flaws, doesn't mean that she doesn't have aspects of her that need work. But it was a little easier for me to, to love her through those hard parts when I could stay connected to, I respect this person.

It's a really big piece of conversation because your ability to select essentially the right partner. So let's speak to the men, right? And we're being heteronormal for, for a man to choose a woman, for a woman to choose a man and have it be challenging but also healthy at the same time. There in a way, Conor has to be this Goldilocks zone of adaptability, of consciousness, of the acumen to do the, the proper work. So is there a formula or a recipe and I don't know actually if this is something that even guided you to write the book as well. Like how did, how as a man do we choose the right partner? What do we look for, characteristics do we cultivate in stoke inside of ourselves and also look for, be on the lookout for in our women? Is there a unique recipe for that?

I mean I, I think what I talk about in the book again is, is paying attention to what a woman reveals about who you are as a man. Because I think we often underestimate, you know, we've been, we often been taught as men to be very self sufficient kind of lone rangers. Like they're still very pervasive within our culture. And so there's this notion that we should have it all figured out, we should know exactly what we want. There's not a lot of room for a man to say, I actually have no fricking clue what I want in a woman or a partner. I just have no clue. And so by starting to pay attention to who you are as a man and what starts to show up in a relationship, your insecurities, your sabotage, you know, you becoming needy and all that bullshit that starts to bubble up to the surface when you pay attention to that and you start to. And start to work on those parts and accept it in and welcome those parts of you, what you'll start to notice is that you will gain an immense amount of clarity on the type of woman that you want to be with, because you will learn who the fuck you are. And that is that. That's the most important thing that I can say. If you don't know who you are as a man, how in the hell should you know who you want to be with? You can't. So that's part one. Part two is more so about women.

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