Get Past Your Past: You Are Not The Victim | Wellness + Wisdom Podcast

The way that we choose to interpret the experiences that we have, the way that trauma is experienced in our body is different for everybody. As someone who has experienced sexual trauma not just once, but twice, what I can say is the way that I chose to heal through that is in the choosing to forgive. I'm curious about what happened to both of them in their life that had them feel like that was the thing to do, for them to make that choice. What happened, what broke them, what rob them of their innocence? And when I choose to forgive, not only do they not have my power any longer, but I can choose an interpretation that's going to forward me. Most people will choose to cling onto the victim conversation that they were victimized, that they were abused, that they were taken advantage of, that their joy was stolen. We must be willing to look at the event, the interpretation, the experience, the pain, all of it. And of course, pain is inevitable. We're all going to experience that as people, as human beings. We all do have the ability to transmute that pain into something that is going to be fuel for our fire. This is my mission, always, is to show people how to turn literally anything into a gift. Like everything that we experience is absolutely designed for us.

I feel like I'm in a time machine.

Well, you are. Time doesn't exist.

Time is a. Is a construct. Holy snap 2010. We were working out in Santa Monica. You were leading these workouts. You remember that?

Of course.

And I was like, who is this ball of fire? And then you've morphed into so many beautiful things. Like, we're both parents, we're both in Austin. We've been on such the journey.

It's been quite the trajectory. Right.

Holy shit.

And we were just talking about this offline. Never in a million years we ever think that we'd be living in Texas. I mean, I imagine myself in California, flying forever. And now we're parents and we're just living our best life in an incredible state.

We really are living our best life. And like, you and I have a fun banter. Like, I just, I. I've always actually loved that the most about you. You have this ability to bring out people's children.

Oh.

Like I remember when I first met you, I was like, wow, she's really in touch with her little girl. But you know, when we're in touch with our children, like, not always is just the bright stuff coming out. Like sometimes the dark. Actually, a lot of the times, a lot of times the dark comes out too. And that has been the ultimate journey for me and for you. And so I'm looking forward to, like, diving into that and also, what's going on in the world right now with mind control insane boys.

Which rabbit hole do we want to go down? Like, because we could literally talk about all of them.

We could.

Yeah, we could. But. But listen, you're right. I mean, the I. And I think one of my gifts that I have unabashedly, I can. I can announce and own is that one of my gifts is being able to tap into my inner child and evoking that in other people. And that's what I want to see in more leaders. It's my stand for vulnerable, authentic, playful, loving leadership.

Yeah, I don't feel much.

There's a lack of that.

I don't feel much of Joe Biden's child or even maybe. I don't know, maybe I'm not a Trumper, you know, but, like, maybe some of Trump's.

Listen, I just. Let me just say this. There's a lack of responsible leadership in the world. There's a lack of authentic leadership. There is, I don't know many people who can say that they absolutely fundamentally believe and trust in our current administration. And that's disheartening. It's concerning. And so it's really ultimately why I do the work that I do. I'm a stand for responsible leadership. I know that something must change. And I could be in fear, and I could be complaining about the current administration, or I could stand for responsible leadership in as many people as possible, because it's. If I can say that you want to change the world, that you effectively are changing the world right now by the content that you're putting out, the conversations that you're having. And so when people think I'm changing the world or I'm committed to changing the world, that can feel very, very overwhelming because there's so many people, there's so many issues, so many problems. But if we're actually going to change the world, the only way to do that is by awakening the leadership, responsible leadership in as many people as possible. Because if people are truthfully living in their dhar dharma, they're living in purpose, on purpose, then that means that the world is being changed by multiple people, millions of people. And that's what I see possible.

Yeah. But in order to be in our Dharma, we have to kind of earn it in a way. Like, we have to be aware that it's even there. Like dharma as a concept. Not everybody even knows about that. I mean, unless they Grew up with a spiritual parent in India or something or. Or in Santa Monica or in the hills. So. So I wonder for you, like, and I know you've talked a lot about your story, and honestly, like, I. I know your story, and I don't necessarily think it would be of total service for us to go deep into your past and dig out all the skeletons, but there is some gems in there. Like, I remember you sharing with me about the type 1 diabetes. And in a way, that is your dharma to have been healed from that in some way mentally, but also like, to still. I think you call yourself a Diva medic now. Like, to still. To still have that be a part of your learning curve in life. And like, you know, being a mother. And along the way, there's been some really unique things that you've absorbed, that you've matured and that you've integrated. And I think that's the coolest part about knowing you. To. To speak of the time machine, we were just jamming on, like 2010. We were both very young. Like, I was.

Fitness was our life.

I was 30 years old. I was a trainer like you were training, like Jeremy Piven and Ben Stiller and like all these stars. And so let's go. Let's go into whatever intuitively you feel about your background that would be a clear representation of maturity and of embodiment for the things that the world actually needs now. In other words, what's of service about your past that. That you think is really clear and present to people that are finding their own dharma, finding their own way?

Well, first of all, I just want to acknowledge the fact that you remember Diva Beta, because I completely forgot about that. That was a part of my branding way back when, because I was really wanting to find a fun, creative, playful way to acknowledge that I've got this thing that I was diagnosed with that I've actually created to be a part of my purpose and part of my mission. And I. When I was diagnosed, it was actually when I woke up from being in a coma. I was in a head trauma accident and in this coma and woke up from this coma with brain damage. And when I was in the icu, they also realized they discovered that I was. And I feel so weird saying this that I want to say I am. I never say I am diabetic, but they diagnosed me with type 1 diabetes. So it was something that was developing in my body, and I had no idea. And because of this accident, which is. And this is my mission always is to show people how to turn literally anything into a gift. Like, everything that we experience is absolutely designed for us. And my car being stolen over the weekend, I can talk about that in a second.

We're going to.

We're going to go deep. But that has been. My superpower, is finding the gift in every experience, in every seemingly horrific experience. Because I'm a sexual trauma survivor. I've experienced that a couple times in my life, and. And. And I've taken those experiences and turned them into something that I've learned. Not that I would ever wish any of those events on anybody and try to minimize those traumatic events, but it is up to us to decide what we're going to do on the other side of those events, and that's ultimately what defines our entire reality.

Well, I get to thank you publicly for something in 2014 that, like, I've already thanked you for a lot, and it was mastery in transformational training. People have. Whatever views they have about emotional intellig workshops, right? Leadership workshops. But I can say wholeheartedly, like, that cracked my coconut shell. There was something about doing that work that you had dove into. I think it was 2012, 2013. You met Margot, right?

Wasn't that 2011? 2011, yeah. That's when I began my emotional intelligence journey.

And I felt the shift in you because I had known you for, like, a year or two, and I'm like, wow, she doesn't have to be a trainer anymore. We can do something else. Like, like, my little consciousness. My little consciousness was, like, opening up to, like, what else am I going to be in this world besides a trainer who's scarce about money, scarce in his mind, and constantly coming from a place of lack, trying to get clientele? And I saw what you were doing, and I was like, I want some of that. I don't know what it is, but, like, I want some of that. And honestly, like, the relationship I was in, she wasn't the mother of my children. We've both been through a lot of different changes since then, but I do get to say thank you for, like, introducing me to. To really, like, a side of work. I had done men's work in 2014, but that work is so pivotal. Maybe you can even say whether it's Mitt or Ala. One of the core concepts that y' all teach is you talk about everything being neutral, and at first audible, people might think, what the hell is she talking about? Like, everything's neutral. You mean, like, my sexual abuse is neutral? You mean, like, my physical abuse is neutral? If I see things as neutral, then it doesn't hold the charge. But also, there's this dichotomy of, like, you also don't want to spiritually bypass the things that have happened for you. So maybe let's start there, Then we'll get into the car. So much and the wisdom of you being a detective. Okay, let's start with that. Everything being neutral.

Okay.

Introduce that concept.

Yeah. Here's the thing, you know, and I also want to say, of course. I mean, it was just. I was so happy to share that work with you, and that work changed my life.

It.

It put me on the trajectory that I'm on now. And when I encountered this work as a stud, you know, I came in thinking, oh, I can probably teach the chorus. I've read the Power of now. I've read the Secret, and just made up this story that I knew the work already before ever experiencing it. And as you know, you can't possibly. And despite all the work that there is in the world, I mean, the work will never be done. We'll never get it done. I will. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop being a student.

Yeah. Yeah.

And so this work is so powerful, and it changed my life so significantly that it opened up a possibility for me. And after I graduated as a student, I manifested Brad, who's now my husband, the father of my children. And it really was me shifting the frequency of who I was being for me to create the kind of environment that would allow me to receive and attract the kind of partner I wanted to be in a relationship with. And so that was a game changer for me. And I. And I was like, oh, this actually. This is actually the work I want to be doing, because I'd obviously been really passionate about supporting people from. For. In transformation, from the inside out, because the fitness I was doing was really based upon positive mindset and empowerment and loving yourself. And you can do anything and you can move through anything. But I'd gotten to the place in my relationship with my work that it was finally becoming work. It was no longer my passion. And the best advice that I ever got from one of my clients, her name is Jackie Warner, and she was a personal trainer for a bunch of celebrities and had a show. And she hired me to sculpt her butt. Actually, that was literally my job, was to be her butt trainer. And one day we were talking shop, and she was talking about her whole journey as a trainer, and she said, if I can offer you anything, the one thing I want to say is don't ever do it for the money. And I was like, huh? Okay. And I'd gotten to the place in my career as a personal trainer, as a fitness trainer, where I realized that I was just doing that because I had amazing clients. On paper, it looked amazing, it looked great. But I was finding a lack of fulfillment in that. And so when I encountered this work, I realized that there was another option. There's another way that I actually can transform people, but really from the inside out and every single cell of their body, I can support them in shifting their programming and their conditioning and the. The lineage they've been, that they've been. That's been bestowed upon them. And so I really got really clear about that and really discovered my actual passion. And so after that, you know, Brad and I became very passionate about this work. And we also saw some. Some gaps. We wanted to really make this work modern and modernize this work and have it be applicable to today's leaders, which is ultimately what had us create and birth ala. So we moved to San Diego and launched it there. And it was a freaking tidal wave. I mean, it just blew up and it was really beautiful to experience that and then brought us here. But that worked specifically for me. It had me look at my sexual trauma in a way that I never had before. Because my first experience sexual trauma, when I was six years old, it was a little boy who was sitting in my first grade class and we were doing a writing assignment, and all of a sudden I feel his hand going underneath my skirt, going underneath my underwear. And he knew exactly what he was doing. And I obviously had never had a sexual experience before. I'd never had any kind of sensation like that before. It was very confusing and it was. I remember in the moment that it just felt like time had stopped. It was an interruption in my innocence. It was a violation of what I thought that the world was. And it was life changing for me from that moment forward because of the information that I started to create, to have that all make sense. So I started to create this interpretation of the actual event, which the facts were the facts and my interpretation was what it was. He had his own interpretation of what was happening. And what I do believe, after doing all this work and being able to arrive at a place of ultimate forgiveness and compassion for this little boy, was that, wow, he must have been experiencing this at home because he. He knew exactly what he was doing. And in the. The choosing to forgive him for that experience, I got my freedom back because I gave my power away to that experience often. And. And in those experiences, I would create these interpretations that I'm not lovable, that I don't matter, that I need to overcompensate in order to establish myself as strong or able to take care of myself. And I was also raped when I was 29. It actually happened two weeks after I met Brad. I was on vacation and I was on the low carb cruise when it happened.

With Jimmy Moore.

Yes.

And do you know what the happened with Jimmy Moore?

I just never.

You were the one that texted me.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, that's wild.

Strings that attach and fractal. Because he himself, for those that you don't know, Jimmy Moore was like this huge keto influencer and he wound up being a sexual predator. And now he's in jail for children for probably life.

I hope so.

So wild. And. And I've had my experiences too, with like, not necessarily people having sexual trauma to me, but being in environments where the sexual energy was weird. Specifically ayahuasca. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. I love how you teed this up because the whole point of events being neutral. There's such a fucking charge with what you just said. I mean, I can like feel it in my hand, just like the energy of it. Right. Like men, women, most times women. But men and women both deal with that kind of trauma. There's. There's the charge that's created in the nervous system, and it can be so deep that hearing something in a training, like an MIT or an ALA of. Hey, just so you know, that event that happened for you, that's neutral, the entire five, ten minutes you were talking right there, it created this foundation of like. Well, it's easy for you to say Jenna, or. What are you talking about? Jenna? Can you speak to that?

Absolutely. I get taken on about this all the time.

And I'm real challenging for, I think the average mind that's done, maybe no work to do. Or even. Even still for me at times I'm like, really? That happened for me.

Well, here's. I. I want to really kind of. I want to peel this apart a little bit.

Yeah.

When I say that an event is neutral, what I'm actually saying is there are multiple perspectives. I'll give you an example. A girlfriend of mine was gang raped by six men. And in that experience, she left her body. That was actually not the most traumatic experience of her life. The most traumatic experience of her life was when her parents were arrested for marijuana possession and they were sent to jail. That Was it. That was the most traumatic event of her life. And so in that experience of being gang raped by six men, which is horrific, I mean, I think that any normal person would say that's like, awful. And I can't imagine that and horrible, awful. But that, that doesn't live in her body as the most traumatic event of her life. So in no way am I saying that what they did was okay or that it was neutral. What they did was horrible. That's my interpretation. But her experience of that event is different than what it would have been for a lot of other people. The way that we choose to interpret the experiences that we have, the way that trauma is experienced in our body is different for everybody. For some people, the most traumatic event of their life is when their dog died. Some people, they don't really have a charge around that. So perspective is perspective. As someone who has experienced sexual trauma not just once, but twice, what I can say is my. The way that I chose to heal through that is in the choosing to forgive. Because what I know to be true is that these boys, these men, these. These people who chose to create that experience for both of us and have that shared experience together, because the little boy was in that with me, and the man who raped me, he was in that with me. I'm curious about what happened to both of them in their life that had them feel like that was the thing to do for them to make that choice. What happened, what broke them, what robbed them of their innocence? And when I choose to forgive, not only do they not have my power any longer, but I can choose an interpretation that's going to forward me. Because I can sit around all day and say, man, I'm a victim and I was raped or I was molested and my innocence was taken from me. It was stolen from me. My joy was robbed from me at the pinnacle of my fitness. I mean, when I was raped, I was in the best shape of my life, man. And on the other side of that, I made my body so wrong, and I was binge eating and putting on weight, actual layers to protect me from having that experience again. And so I can look at all of that as something that happened to me. I can say it happened to me. I can say that the head trauma accident happened to me. I can say that being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes happened to me. I can say that. But then I give my power away to the event itself. And so the head trauma accident, why did it happen for me? Because it gave me a wake up call that was so vital for my existence because prior to that accident, I was depressed, I was self medicating. I was smoking cigarettes every day. I was smoking weed every single day. I was taking pain meds and drinking alcohol. I was not living from a space of responsibility and integrity. I was headed down the wrong path. And I asked the universe to basically prove my worthiness and prove my existence, that it mattered. And so I literally got the very thing that I asked for. And so we all get to know that the universe is always listening to us. God's always listening to us. And we all have something so important to fulfill on this planet, and that is our only obligation. And so in that, the choosing to actually take control of my health, and that's what actually got me into fitness, was the diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Because I was like, all right, so I, I get to actually put good energy in and have good energy leaving my body through fitness and exercise. Because I wasn't exercising before the accident. I stopped playing sports. I was hanging out with the wrong people. And that was not the direction that I was meant to be headed in. And so in that experience, it put me on the path that I finally was training people like Ben Stiller. I mean, I was working with the founders of Guess, the Marciano family, for eight years. I trained princesses from Saudi Arabia. So had I not ever been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and had that wake up call, I don't know that I would have been on that path. I don't know.

That's the meaning that you made of it. And by the way, what an awesome meaning that you made, because you could have chosen to be like, well, I'm just going to like, have this thing that I inject myself with and lead this basic life. Like, there's obviously something about to go back earlier, your dharma or your path that made you choose this, that choice. Like, I always wonder this, what is it that makes people choose something different? Like, I've heard from you, I've heard from a lot of people, and I've even said it maybe myself, like, once you choose, once you declare something, it becomes real. You manifest it through spoken word. And then our vibrational aspects of our body, like, they take it in. But I don't always know if it's as simple as just, oh, choose love.

It's not that.

Choose a different choice. Like, there's a. There's a way to get there. So, so maybe the layered question for you is like, okay, we understand that things are neutral and you choose a different path based on an event that happens to you based on the charge, by the way, that it takes for you to overcome it. So how do we actually go into these new choices without spiritually bypassing? Because I think some people may hear you say that and they might be like, well, it's easy for her. Look at the training she's done. Just all of these ticker tapes that kind of run in the human mind. How do you make sense of not spiritually bypassing, going into the natural progression of healing from a trauma or just like burying your head in the sand and pretending it's not there and creating fucking buildings downtown and nine figure companies and all this stuff which happens in the world where people don't deal with their trauma. There's a juxtaposition there. You ever feel that, you see that with your students?

For sure. Well, I do want to say, I want to be very upfront and say I've done a lot of work on my trauma. Countless hours, thousands of hours. I've sat in so many different medicine ceremonies, healing ceremonies. I've done somatic work, I've done emdr, I, I mean, name it, I've, I have been so committed to working with my trauma and healing it such that I can teach others how to move through their own blocks. Because it isn't as simple as just making a decision. Yeah, we must be willing to look at the event, the interpretation, the experience, the pain, the all of it. And of course, pain is inevitable. We're all going to experience that as people, as human beings, we all do have the ability to transmute that pain into something that is going to be fuel for our fire. I look at my head trauma, accident, I look at my sexual trauma, I've been able to speak about that on stage and be a voice for the voiceless and give people the opportunity to look at what could be available for me if I were to actually forgive my abuser. What if I were to look at that whole event and decide that in some way somehow that happened so that I can learn on the other side of that event how I can move through my sadness and move through my grief and actually being contribution. Because sexual trauma, as you know, is something that's happening literally right now to an unknown number of human beings. Children, women, boys, men. I mean, it's happening all over the world. And this is something that's been happening for thousands of years. It is like this, this, this the only way when I can think about sexual trauma as like a construct, it's almost like a disease because it just Keeps getting passed on. It happens to, it happens to a lot of people. And some people choose to pass that on to others. But it's, it's just this dark, murky, yucky, evil energy that just keeps on growing and it keeps on living.

The Native Americans call it Wetico. Dr. Paul Levy Wetiko. Like it's this weird morphing blackness that infects people almost osmotically. Like it goes into. And then it gets passed on generation to generation. So, like, we've all heard the phrase hurt people hurt people for sure, until somebody who's been hurt decides to heal. I mean, I'm not laughing at it. It's just such a simple concept. It's like, well, if everybody in my family's had issues and the world is this broken place, can I be the healing and stand for transformation in a world of brokenness, in a world of watiko like it does. It does eventually come down to a decision, but then to arrive at that decision. Like you were saying, most people won't.

Choose it though, but most people won't choose it. Most people will choose to cling onto the victim conversation that they were victimized, that they were abused, that they were taken advantage of, that their joy was stolen. And I've had all those feelings, I've had all those beliefs at one point or another. And it wasn't until I decided to do the work again and again and again and again because they're wounds. And I believe that wounds always find ways to get opened up and get looked at all over again. I mean, we find, we find these ways to heal through a lot of our challenges and our wounds as children. I'll give you an example. So one of my wounds is my little girl. The wounding of my little girl is that I won't be invited to the party. I'm not going to be included. I'm not going to be wanted. I'll be kicked out. I was bullied a lot when I moved around. And so that's my wounding that I consistently experience that gets evoked and gets activated in different experiences and different new friend groups or just certain scenarios that I realize. I'm like, oh, wow, there's still healing that's available there. Co I thought that I'd manage that. Thought that I healed. I guess not. And so, you know, I. It's just, it's always, it's always going to be an opportunity for me to address that part of my little girl, to remind her that she matters, to remind her that she's enough, to remind her that she was never meant to fit in. Because I have that fear of not fitting in, but I'm not supposed to fit in. I'm meant to stand out. And. And so when I've been able to arrive at that decision and accept that and embrace that, it. It gives me this. This superpower that it's okay to be unique and it's okay to stand out. It's okay to not blend. And leaders are not supposed to blend in anyway. If you think about what it means to be a leader, it's to stand out. It's to be the one who's willing to fall on their sword, the one who's willing to not be liked, the one who's willing to be called atrocious names and have their name and their. Their integrity be dragged through the mud. I mean, a lot of leaders experience. All leaders experience that. There's not one leader who's going to experience a five star review all across the board, 100% from every single person on the face of the planet. Like all these people that you have on your wal, I mean, they had people who literally hated them.

Yes.

And. And one man specifically was killed for his leadership.

Yeah.

So leadership is a path that most people will not choose. It's a path that most people. The idea of it seems really nice. The idea of it is really exciting, but it's a lonely path and it's uncomfortable and it's. It's gut wrenching at times. There are peaks and there are valleys, and so a lot of people are just not willing to. To sign up for that journey. And so I just want to acknowledge you for the leadership that you're standing for. And I know that your level of integrity, your commitment to creating a platform for people to come speak their mind and also share what's on their heart is beautiful. I mean, I've watched you grow this, this incredible podcast over the years, and you've been so committed, and to watch it evolve into what it is today is just awesome. So I am just. I'm receiving so proud of you and I feel so honored to be your friend. I'm so honored to be raising our kids alongside each other in this incredible state called Texas, which never in a million years did we ever think we'd live here. But here we are.

Yeah.

But it's interesting, right? Why Austin, of all places, right now at this point in history, why we've been called to be here. So many leaders and so many people who have shared values, we're all being drawn to this incredible oasis in the middle of this massive, gigantic state, and there's something to be addressed and looked at and considered and in curiosity about.

Like, we're doing it right now.

Something's coming.

We're doing it right now.

I feel it.

And thank you so much, much for that acknowledgment because, like I said, like, this is the time machine. Almost 14 years ago we met, and, like, I think the true test of character is somebody's ability to go through all these different changes in life without losing enthusiasm. I think it was Winston Churchill that said that, you know, the quality of your life is dictated on how you move from one obstacle to another and heartbreak without losing enthusiasm. And you're fucking enthusiastic still. Like, even with all the things that have occurred, right? And I feel the same enthusiasm in my life, but it's because of my family, my children, like, the things that I've been given because of the challenges. And if I didn't have the courage to go through those challenges, I would not be sitting here with you. We wouldn't be able to kick it with MLK and be at a table from Costa Rica and a private studio. Like, it wouldn't. If y' all are wondering, like, what are they talking about? We're talking about the results of our lives. Like, you know, you've made millions of dollars, and we're on this path of, like, true expansion. That doesn't really. It's not about the numbers, it's not about the money. It's about, what impact are we making with our lives. Because one day, you and I, we're not going to be here. We'll be gone. And our kids will be gone one day, and their kids will be gone. Like, what are we. What are we leaving for? The next generation? I think the only way we're going to be leaders, as I've heard you talk about so badassly. Is that a word? Badass.

You just made it up. And, I mean, I get it. I understand.

Badassley. Is this concept really this way of being. It's not even a concept. It's a way of being where vulnerability is the power. Because if we're going to leave something for Jet and Jax and Nova and the new baby, like, we've got to be a leader who's willing and vulnerable enough to talk about his or her shit, just like you did in the first five minutes of the podcast, like, you just went for it, you know? And some people would be absolutely terrified to bring up three or four of the things that you said. What. What Is it about your heart or about your soul that allows you to get to the heart of the matter quickly, to go in and be vulnerable in a moment where it's most needed? And what do you think that is, you know, cosmically, karmically, for you?

I man so many powerful deep connections and conversations with Grandmother Aya, deep medicine work that I've. I really got to. I did a lot of. A lot of my healing with my sexual trauma in ayahuasca ceremonies, a lot of. A lot of reconnection to my womb, permission to connect with my womb and the safety that was just not felt there. And, you know, I really attribute a lot of my understanding of my purpose through my journey with medicine. But it's also. I really also want to speak into that because I think it's really important to acknowledge the work that I've done here in the 3D as well, because while I've been. I've blasted off to the 5D, I've received the codes. I'm using air quotes because I can't. The word pushes all my buttons.

Thank God. Cosmic downloads.

Jenna, the codes. I don't know why that word pushes all my buttons, but it does.

It pushes mine too. I hate. Like, I got a divine download. I got cosmic codes when I was in Ceremony. It's like, maybe, but do you have to say it like that?

Like, can we just listen? We are human beings. We're having a human experience, and the only place we can actually change the world is in this dimension. We can't change the world in the 5D. We can have the experience of the. The quote, unquote, the codes, the information, the downloads, all that stuff, but where it all transpires and gets activated and changed is here. And so, yes, I can say that a lot of my, you know, experience and knowledge and wisdom has come from that place. And I also am here in this dimension right here, right now, because it's the only place anything can change is in the right now. Here we are having this powerful conversation. Here we are in this. This meat suit that we. That we're wearing. This. This meat suit that is actually our vehicle that's carrying around our spirits, it's carrying around our messaging, that's carrying around all these codes. You know, I. I just. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful to be a human being. I'm grateful to live in this dimension because this is. This is like, you know, God has this whole intention of experiencing human stuff that can only happen in this dimension. So what is the human experience. It's the dark, it's the light, it's the sadness, it's the grief, it's the joy, it's the up, it's the down, it's the peak, it's the valley, it's all of it. So if we're having a human experience, we've got to be willing to have all of those experiences, not try to bypass it, not try to. Only. It's like, I'm sure that, you know, people who are always. They're like, always in ceremony. It's like I need to integrate the integration of the integration from the last ceremony. So it got to be another ceremony to basically integrate what I didn't integrate.

And it's like we've jammed about this. I'm on my 150th ayahuasca ceremony. It's like, you think 151 is going to give you more wisdom, right? Really? That's your plan?

Totally. So. So listen, I've sat with ayahuasca 16 times. It was spread out over the course of many years. I've sat with psilocybin. I've sat with many different medicines. And what I always get reminded when I sit with any kind of medicine at any time is that I already have everything that I need within myself to create everything that I desire. And I just simply get to trust and be in partnership with the universe, be in partnership with God, be in partnership with my spirit guides. And. And we're all here having an experience, and we. We make it so serious and so heavy.

No doubt.

Everything's gonna work out. We're all gonna be fine. You know, I noticed that what. What is getting activated is a lot of fear in. In us as human beings right now because of the lack of responsible leadership. But I had a really powerful connection with spirit, with source in a psilocybin journey. And when I got to witness was that this is all just an experiment, that it's all gonna work out, we're all gonna be fine. And we're having a human experience like we're God's children. And this is how God experiences the things that he can experience in that dimension. He can only. He can only experience what we experience as humans in this realm, in this dimension. And so we're all just little droplets of the massive, vast ocean that the universe is. And so if you look at one drop of ocean water, you take one drop of ocean water out of the ocean. Well, what is it? It's still the ocean. We're not separate from Anything. We're not separate from God. We're an extension of God. We are God. And so that's a very unpopular opinion. But that is my belief. It's what I've experienced. It's what I know to be true. That's my truth. And so I've been taking on a lot with saying those things and believing that and expressing that. But it's my truth. And what I know to be true is I'm sitting with an incredible human being right in front of me who's committed to transforming the world in his own unique, special way. And your way is your truth. And your truth is right, because it's your truth. And I'm not here to argue any of that. And a lot of people will argue that when I say something like, every event is neutral. They. They get activated because their whole identity is wrapped around their interpretation of being a victim. And they can't use that as a backdoor. They can't use that as an excuse anymore why their dreams aren't happening. They can't use their victim card about why they don't have what they want, the relationship that they want, why their business isn't getting off the ground. And so that's my stand for people, is for them to be their own advocate. And I experienced that and lived that this past weekend when my car was stolen and I found my car. And that's a whole situation.

We're going to talk about that. Like, I just want to acknowledge the sacred rant that you just went on. Y' all need to rewind that rant over, by the way. Like, yes, I so agree with literally every aspect of what you just said, because I also have experienced that shout out to Brianna, who is an intro from you as well. Like, there's certain people that come into our lives. Like, you've been one of those for me, where we're walking, like, separate paths to get to the same direction, but we glance over at each other every six months, every five years, whatever it is, and we just go, hey. Like, we know, you know, we know that we're on the right path because we have this other reminder of God experiencing God in a unique consciousness like JPB or jt. And we go in these paths, but we're all going to the same place. Like, you know, Ram Dass said it beautiful in his book. Like, the last page with the bridge and the water. He's like, we're all just walking ourselves home. And I think there's, you know, what's really cool about that? To close the loop. It's. There's like really sacred sadness in that, that one day I won't be able to. I can't give you a hug anymore. We can't make love. We can't eat food. We can't be with the people that we care about. We won't be able to hold our children. Like we won't be able to do these beautiful things. And there's sadness there. So I'm not bypassing that sadness, but I'm also completely in truth about the fact that if all is eternal and time does not apply to God, God and everything that we're doing here is just an expression of God wanting to experience God's self in unlimited ways, then there's also limited. There's also some real deep beauty in that. So the sadness I hold and the joy that I hold, they're. They're equal. And I don't think we, you and I could have ever had that acknowledgment of that truth unless we met some portion or maybe the totality of our own mortality, of our own death. You have to die. Whether it's in ceremony, whether it's like going through deep emotional work, trauma release. I don't care what it is like, we've got to fucking die before we die. Which I believe is like another Native American phrase, hoka hey. Which I've heard today is a great day to die because I've already died before I die. Like maybe go into that a little bit and then we'll talk about the car. So good, let's go into that because we're in. We're going a little bit higher here. But it so points to exactly the kind of vulnerable leadership that the world needs. If they don't have this aspect of what you and I are jamming on, it's going to be really hard for somebody to lead on stage because they haven't died yet.

Sure.

They're not, they're not living life as they've died before they died. So expand a little bit.

Leadership is an ego fracturing journey. And I believe that we must allow our ego to die a million deaths in this lifetime. And, and it's, it's never over. If you're a leader, you will have multiple different opportunities to confront your ego and, and, and reinvent yourself as a leader. And so, gosh, I mean, my name has been dragged through the mud for just in response to me standing for somebody's transformation.

How so? What do you mean?

Just gruntled. Gruntled students just getting backed up because I'm, I'm interrupting their, their conditioning, their programming, their limitations, their limiting beliefs. And, and they didn't like that very much.

So people that might be like, oh my God, that emotional intelligence training is a cult. And I'm like, what do you think the NFL is? What you think that's any different? You're. Everybody's in a cult at all times. I'd rather be in a cult that scrubs my brain clean of the.

Listen, I, I'm a stand for joy and freedom and happiness. I'm a stand for infiniteness. I'm a stand for people living outside of their box, thinking outside their box. And people who are leaders will be absolutely on board with that. People who do not want to be exposed, people who do not want to be challenged, people who do not want to have their egos be quote, unquote, wrong. They don't like that conversation. They don't, they don't want to be, they don't want to be in that conversation because that's going to then challenge them. And so listen, I don't have all the answers. I'm not a know it all. I'm not the all knowing. Um, and so, thank God, I'm boring.

If you were.

I'm a human being. I, I get it wrong sometimes. And what is never wrong is my intention to stand for people's greatness. What is never off, what is never out of alignment is my commitment to stand for people. And, and so, yeah, it's, and that's a very lonely path because I do get challenged and I, I do get taken on. But my love is never wrong. My love for humanity is never wrong. My love for humanity is never off, that is always, ever present. That is, that's omnipresent. I mean, the way that I love people, I, I feel in my body the issues of this planet, the pain and the suffering of the children who are taken advantage of and forgotten about and looked down upon and spoken to in a way that is just harming and, and just awful. I mean, the, the things that I know that people hear, the stories that I've heard in the trainings that, that, that we've led and facilitated. I mean, I've, I've heard it all. Nothing surprises me anymore. The, the story is the pain, the sadness, the, the suffering of humanity. I've literally heard all of it. And so I feel it in every part of my body. And so that's why I do the work that I do, because I, I'm committed to transformation. I'm committed to being a part of the healing of this planet. And I believe that I was put on this planet specifically for that. And I also know that all of the pain, all of the suffering, all of the painful events and the traumatic events and the neutral events and the. All of it, all of the things that I've experienced in this lifetime as a human being has been so that I will have the understanding and the knowingness about how I can support people in moving through their trauma and their sadness and their neutral events. And so I do believe that all that has happened for me such that I can be an effective leader. And so I. I can focus on those events as things that happen to me, but I've chosen to look at them as a part of my curriculum.

What's one of the biggest ways that. That you've died before you die?

I'll tell you that the most traumatic event in my life was not my sexual trauma. It was not when I was molested when I was six. It was not when I was raped by someone I trusted when I was 29 on the cruise. It wasn't that. It was when my mentor, my best friend, my hero, someone who was like my brother, lied to me, betrayed me, went behind my back and opened up a competing business. That. I don't want to go into all the details because the details don't really matter, but what I want to say is that that experience, that event, oof. It challenged every wound that I'd ever experienced in my life. Every limiting belief, every limited. It was right in my face. I mean, man, my ego was turned inside out, upside down. It rocked my world, and it called me to a higher game. It was like business 101. Like it was. I really got to pull up my big girl pants and really be an advocate for myself. And something that I never could have imagined would happen in a million, trillion years, it did happen. And what I got to learn through that and the strengthening of the muscles, the flexing of the muscles of the development of my. Me as myself, the. The businesswoman, the leader, the. The woman that got to remind her little girl that it's going to be okay, and also really learn how to make explicit contracts like that was a huge lesson for me. That was really painful. And in that experience, I developed and flexed a muscle that I didn't even know that was available for me. So I'm grateful for that because I know that where I'm headed and what I'm committed to creating is going to require a different level of leadership, a different level of businesswoman, a different level of intellect and grit and courage and confidence and the reminder of who I am. I mean, it's literally the muscle that I got to flex this weekend in recovering my car and being my own advocate and not being willing to hear no as an answer.

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Now, but we got it. We got to close this last loop. We already went to 5D. We're back on 3D now. There is something about your story and your evolution as a woman, as a mom, as a, as a wife. Like how do you do all of that? Deal with what happened with the competing business and really a mentor that. And I've done this too. I think we've all done it at some point in our lives where we put somebody on a pulpit where we idolize. Like I've done it with. I almost said the person's name. Thank God I didn't say it. I've done it with certain people that have been huge guests on the show. And then when it comes to business in the background, we actually were cursing at each other, and it was, like, wild. I'm just like, you're totally different than when I sat with you on the podcast. Like, you're a completely different human. So I. I can have reverence for what you're sharing. How did you navigate and how do you continue to expand in a world where the narrative sometimes can be. Be a boss bitch. Women can do it all. Like, no, we're meant to do it together. So how do you know? How did you. How have you grown and navigated this world of at times, business, being cutthroat, dealing with the stuff you've dealt with, and still being a beautiful mother, wife, and woman and not losing that feminine essence? That can be a real big challenge in this world.

I, first of all, I want to say I don't want to do it all on my own. I tried. I tried to do it all by myself, and it wasn't sustainable. And you want to talk about adrenals giving me all alarm, all the alarms, all the signals, all the information that I needed to remind myself that not only am I not meant to do it all by myself, I don't have to. I. I don't get to. I get to be in partnership with people. I get to be in collaboration. Life's more fun that way anyway. And. And I know that we are all meant to be in community, and I think that's one of the biggest things that we're all that really attracted us to be here in Austin is, like, the sense of community.

Yes.

And it really is for a lot of people. It's. It's. It feels new, but really it is the old way. And I think what's available for all of us is that we are getting back in alignment with the old way. I mean, our souls are craving it, our hearts are craving it, our. Our bodies are yearning for it. And we're here and we're creating it, and we're doing it together, and there's nothing more exciting about that. To be alive at this point in history. I mean, if you want to think about it, you want to pull back, it's like, why did we chose to come experience all this craziness that we're experiencing right now? Hashtag 2020, and fast forward all the stuff we experienced in the last few years. It's just insane. And there's something really powerful that's happening right now. It's a Revolution. I mean, we're. We're getting back in alignment with. With values that truthfully matter and that are actually sustainable. Because it's the whole. Not to throw Gary Vee under the bus. Like, I appreciate everything he's created, but that whole context of hustle, hustle, grind, grind. Put work first ab your family before family. Family doesn't matter. All that work, all the. All the work that I'm doing is the only thing that matters. I mean, that kind of context and that kind of conversation, it's not sustainable. It's not going to last. It. It's like a. It's like a fire starter, but it can't last that way.

It's a recipe for burnout.

It is. And so I'm looking at what kind of a light source do I want to be? And what I've arrived at is I really want to be. I don't want to be a lighthouse. Because if you think about a lighthouse there, they're alone, they're by themselves, they're cold, they're empty. Yes, of course, they call the lost ships at home. They call them home. They're out at the sea and they show them where they can. They can be called home. And so that's why lighthouses are often seen as. And they're referenced as powerful. Like, you're a lighthouse and. But I don't want to be a lighthouse. I also don't want to be a star because stars are super far away. They're massive. You can't ever really get up and close and personal with a star. They're inspiring. They're. They're beautiful to look at, but that's not what I want to be. Do I want to be a star maker? Not even that. I don't want to be a fire starter because, of course, it's like this massive explosion. And sometimes they're needed to get these movements going, but they're also not sustainable. I don't want to be a fire starter. I want to. I want to be a lantern. If you think about what it means to be a lantern, it's the. The lantern is. You can turn it up, you can turn it down, and the lantern is just simply there to shine light on the path. And the person who's carrying the lantern, well, they're actually the ones who are doing the work. They're on the path. It's one foot after the other. The lantern is there. It's the reminder that they got this. It's. It's like that. You're in my pocket. And So I want to be a lantern for people, and I want to show people that they have the ability to find their own path and they have the ability to find their way.

You know what I love about the lantern? It's different than a flashlight. You hold a flashlight, it shines light on other people, much like what I did in training. But the dark parts of myself, they stayed fucking dark. When you hold a lantern, you're shining.

Light on your stuff everywhere.

Yes. I love that. This is why I love podcasting, because that right there, like, just that analogy that a child could understand. Don't shine light from a flashlight, like, shine it from a lantern, because then you're at least lighting up the parts of yourself that need to be lit up. In other words, what's dark in you as a leader? That's the whole vulnerability. I think you absolutely need to own that. I don't know if you've owned that publicly. You need to own the lantern.

I haven't owned the lantern publicly. This is my first time talking about it. It's on my whiteboard.

Liter yours.

I've got the. The four different archetypes of a light source. And so I've. I'll. I'll share it with you. But, yeah, I'm. I've really been evolving that. Because to me, I used to want to be a star. I wanted to be that. And I've been a fire starter in many instances. But what I've learned is it's just not sustainable, that kind of energy, because then there's also a lack of responsibility and ownership as well, because, okay, I'm just gonna start the fire, and then I'm out, and then I'm gone. And, like, we know leaders who are like that.

Sure.

Right? Like, they show up, they're shiny, they're bright, they're exciting. It's this loud energy boom. But it's that. That. That essence of what it means to be a lantern also reminds me of home. And I want people to feel like they're at home when they're in relationship with me.

How long have you been doing the. The lantern concept?

I literally just birthed it, like, a week ago.

It's yours. I think you need to buy a URL or something.

I probably will.

So when you. When you started to really embody this concept of, like, I love it. Like, not. I've used that analogy so much, Jenna, like, when I was shine light on other people, but, like, it'd be dark over here, the lantern. I'm like, yes, this is so good. So how long did it take for you when you held the lantern up? Maybe metaphorically or in the past, before you really started to see, oh, my God, I'm leading all these people. I'm doing all this stuff. I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a woman. When you held the lantern up, at what point did you really have to take an honest look of like, oh, this isn't working in me. This one thing, or these two things, since we're on that path of vulnerable leadership, be of service to us. When you held the lantern out, when you really held it out there, like, what was starting to illuminate in you that needed the light to be shined on it?

Thank you so much for that question. I still saw parts of myself that really, really, really wanted to be the one that was needed. I really, really wanted to be the one that was responsible. I really, really wanted to be the one that, at the end of the day, was needed in order for that to happen, for the leadership to continue. And that's actually not my vision. I really got to see that. My vision is to instill leadership in others, and I want people to. Like when someone says to me something like, like, my ego loves this, Jenna, you changed my life. My ego loves that. Loves it. But what I always say. No, I didn't. You did. You're the one who made the choice to make the change. I was simply just here to be your reminder of who you actually are. Are. I'm just a reflection for you. What my authentic self always instills in people is that you have the ability and you have the power to create the life that you want. I'm just simply here to bring you home, to just show you the way, because you already have all the answers within you. You've just, for whatever reason, forgotten that you have the ability. You got things in your blind spots that you just can't see. And I'm just here to shine light on all of it because I want people to be empowered. I don't want people to ever depend on me. I don't ever. I never want to be pessimist, because I know what happens when I've pedestaled others, and it never works out. I'll give you an example. Katy Perry, for example, perfect prime example of that. I really had my first experience of that early on in my career, and I pedestaled her, and I thought she was just awesome. And I made up this story that she was going to be a certain way, and I didn't consider that maybe she's potentially going through some kind of a traumatic experience on her own. And my first time training her, I was really disappointed. I thought that she was gonna be completely different than the way that she was. And I found out many, many, many weeks later that she was actually going through a breakup at that time. And she literally didn't say a single word to me the entire time we trained. And it was very interesting because I thought we were gonna have a conversation. I created this whole movie in my brain about what it was gonna be like to work with her, and it was the exact opposite. And I was taking it personally. And I was like, she's so rude and all of this stuff. But never did I consider her own human. Never did I consider what she must have been going through at that time to have her show up that way or act that way or speak that way. And so people are going to make people decisions. Humans are humans, I thought you were going to say.

I was really shocked because she had me, like, invited to a party where we're going to sacrifice a pig at midnight and dance in a satanic circle.

She's a part of the elite circle. That is just kidding. No, that's not at all what I was going to say. But it really was that. It really was that simple. I pedestaled her, Thought she was just this awesome person, and she let me down because I pedestaled her. If I had never pedestaled her, I would have been like, this is just a human. She's having her human experience. She's speaking to me the way she's speaking to me. It has nothing to do with me. Has everything to do with her and whatever she's navigating right now and interpretations and the stories, because that whole training that we had was neutral. So she had her perspective and I had mine. And so the facts were I had my perspective and she had her perspective. We had a workout. That's the fact. The fact is we had a workout out. That's it. I trained her. She was my client. Sure, that was the fact. But the interpretation, there were multiple people involved in that. So everyone's going to have their own perspective, and that's why it was neutral.

We show up to experiences, especially relationships, and we're kind of carrying bags. I'm sure yours have, like, leopard print and studs on them or something. But we show. We show up to experiences and we have these bags and we unpack them, and we kind of find a person across from us, especially intimately, and maybe you can unpack this a little bit. Like how you and Brad have expanded and transitioned. Like motherhood and being a wife and being in, like, a real sacred union. There's such a beautiful return. Like you said earlier, the old way is the new way.

Right.

When I asked you the question about how to maintain your womanhood and your feminine power in a world where kind of tries to take it from you in business. But I'm sure when you showed up to Brad, and I think we all can experience this, it's like, here's all my shit. I'm unpacking it all for you. What do you have in the suitcases and can kind of our play together? Because we all have it. It's not like somebody shows up with no suitcases or. Or empty suitcases, like that all have our. That's not a thing. So how has that played out for you and Brad specifically?

Listen, Brad and I. Brad is my best friend. He's my best friend. He is the love of my life. I am so in love with this man. And he also pushes all my buttons. He triggers me because he is meant to remind me certain things about myself that I get to activate, that I get to work through, that I get to remember. Matter don't matter. Non negotiables. They are negotiable. So we're in this constant dance with each other. And what I've been able to learn in my relationship specifically with Brad, because, man, when we're in it, we're both in our unhealed masculine, and neither one of us is willing to budge. And that has been one of the most powerful tools for me to remember the kind of leader that I want to be for people. Because I don't necessarily want to be a feminine leader. I really want to embody grace, which is another one of the trainings that we have at ALA that teaches somatically how you can access both your masculine and your feminine. I believe that grace is establishing yourself in the middle and learning how to access your masculine and knowing how to shift into your feminine is that transition. That's great. Grace. It's not. Grace is not just feminine. It's. It's the both, and it's both. You can't exist. One cannot exist without the other. And everything that exists in the universe is both masculine and feminine. If you think about a flower, think about the stem. The stem exists. The blossom exists. The blossom is. The flower is the feminine, and the masculine is that stem. And so they must both exist. And so it's really been that dance that we're able to play with each other. That is going to be lifelong. I mean, we're committed to living together and being together and raising our children together and being partners for the rest of time. And then if, for whatever reason it doesn't work out, well, then it doesn't work out. But that's our commitment right now. That's what we're committed to. That's what we promise. Those are our vows. But he's my best friend, and I love him.

What are some of the biggest, or maybe the biggest button that he pushes for you that paradoxically is like, wow, that's such a gift. Thank you so much, Brad, for pushing this button for me. But in the moment, you're like, fuck you. He.

So I have never been officially diagnosed, but I would say that I've got some pretty severe OCD tendencies. Okay, I'll say compulsive tendencies. No, but I. He will leave wrappers on the counter sometimes where I'm like, the garbage can is right there. And so it really supports me and not being OCD about a lot of things in my life. Because. Because if I look at. Because for me, it's like, I command excellence in a lot of ways. And so how that supports me is it reminds me that it's okay to not be so tightly wound about things. Always need to be in excellence. Because he's so excellent with his word. He is a man of his word. He is integris. And so for me, a wrapper on the counter is really, at the end of the day, not that big of a deal. But I've got this thing that I experience in my nervous system where I'm like, fucking throw away the wrapper. The garbage can is right there. However, it's in those moments where I get to say, like, does it really actually matter? And would it hurt for me to just throw away to myself? Like, can't I just do that? So it's really supported me like, that, those aspects of our relationship, because those things don't really matter to him. It has really supported me in arriving in the middle, because neutrality is actually where I want to be. Be. I don't want to be hyper masculine. I don't want to be hyper feminine, because it's the hyper feminine. It's like, I'm just gonna bathe my crystals in the moonlight on the full moon and meditate for two weeks, and then I'm gonna get back to you. It's like, make up your mind. Like, come on. You know? So it's that hyper, hyper, hyper feminine that doesn't work for me and the hyper masculine doesn't work for me. Like where I want to be is in the middle. I want to be neutral and that's also with politics. Like I don't, I don't want to be in the fringes. I want to be, I want to be right here in the middle. I want to be neutral. I want to be, be able to make a very informed decision based on the information that I have, based on the experience that I have, based on the current events. Because from that place I feel like I can be most empowered and that's what I stand for for most people.

Which is what you're talking about with your leadership too. You don't, you said I don't want to be identified as a feminine leader. What do you mean by that exactly? Is it just being in that place of neutrality? Because at some point during leadership you will have to know or have the switching capacity to go into your, your finite completion, masculine energy. And then sometimes in leadership you will have to go into like a very soft, nurturing, sensitive space holding, like to hold both and to be in the middle. That's a tall order.

I'll, I'll speak into that. So the retreats that we facilitate at the end of the journey. So when we have our students begin the journey with us, there's level one, level two and level three. Fast forward to the very, very, very last experience which is a three day retreat which is unlimited. Like any experience in the entire universe. It feels like a medicine journey without any medicine. It is so healing. It's all, it's all love. I mean it is at, it is a level of love, self love, selfworth love for humanity that is activated, that cannot be explained in words is a blast off into a different dimension that cannot be explained. And so that experience, I'm facilitating this experience in order to stay on track. Because we've got a timeline, we've got all these things that get to be experienced and, and executed. That's, that's my masculine. But how it feels and looks on the surface is so feminine. But I'm driving the training, I'm driving the retreat. I'm, I'm facilitating, I'm, I'm, I'm holding space for a lot. So that is the ultimate both and because on the surface it's like everything is just so, just, just magical. It feels like heaven on earth. But under the water is kind of like a duck. Like under the water ducks legs, their feet are just man, they're going. But on the surface it's gliding. So that's, that's that both. And that I think is really important.

I love the duck analogy. That's so true. All you see is a little wake.

Yeah, right.

People are like, oh, look how cute. But if they were underneath, they'd be like, whoa, this, this person's really charging.

They sure are running water. Yeah. And so there was that. And then also I had the experience of the ultimate both. And this past weekend, my car was stolen Friday morning. And I found out literally 15 minutes before I'm meant to be in front of our brand new students. They're about to begin level one. I'm about to greet the students and welcome them on their journey. And I get this phone call that my car has been stolen. And I had. I remember my reaction was I just gasped. I didn't know what else to do, but I didn't feel anything in my body. I just couldn't believe it. I'm like, that was. That's crazy. So I'm like, okay, it's just a car, everything's fine. Could be a lot worse. I go facilitate. I greet the students, I introduce them, I acknowledge they're going to begin their journey level one. Brad and I are up there together facilitating and off the training goes. And I am on the phone. They called the police twice. They hadn't shown up because they're understaffed, so no police. And I call 911 myself and they said, yep, we are in the queue. We're just understaffed right now. You're just gonna have to wait until the police show up. So BMW was not going to give me a location unless they had a police report. And of course, in order for them to have a police report, the police need to show up. I walk myself into the police station and I insist on seeing an officer within minutes. I see.

How far was the one walk?

A block and a half.

Okay.

It was literally, it was so close.

Because I remember when we texted him, like, how dare you allow a woman to walk to the police station? Like, oh, my God.

So I had a car because my car was in a body shop. So I had the. I could have, I could have gotten in the car and I could have, you know, driven myself to the.

Okay, okay.

That was absolutely available.

I have less of a charge now.

I made the choice to walk. I was like, you know what? It's a beautiful day. I'm just gonna walk. Yeah, I'm just gonna walk.

I'm just probably good to let off steam too.

And I was like, you Know what? I don't wanna have to deal with parking. There was the whole thing, I had this, the option to drive, and I chose not drive. Okay, Chose not drive. So I walk in, I insist on seeing an officer. I see one within minutes and the drive. Then we drove over to the body shop. I saw the videos. I saw the, you know, the scene of the crime. I saw the whole thing. I saw, I was like, this is an inside job. Because they knew that my keys were in my car. I watched the video, they cut the gate, they walked in, they popped open a video, popped open a window, they hopped in the window, they get in my car and they drive off. So the video is showing me all this and I'm watching this happen. And the hit that I got, the intuition that I got, was this is an inside job. Someone tipped them off and so that was that. And then I'm on the phone all weekend with BMW and the police officers. The police station, by the way, is closed on the weekend. So they're like, well, BMW, we're not going to give you the location of the car because we need to confirm that it actually is stolen. And so it was a whole thing. I'm going to say, I'm going to spare all the details, but I'm just going to let you know that I was on hold. I can't even tell you how many times I was calling the police. I was. It. It was a freaking marathon. And I got to really practice my enrollment skills because it really just depended on who I spoke with. Finally on Sunday, I was like, I need to speak with a supervisor. I finally spoke with the right person and they finally called the police. And it was the whole thing. They tracked my car. They found it because I was so committed and so persistent because BMW said, we're gonna have to wait until Monday, until it's actually a business day, because that's when the police station is open. It was a whole thing. So they found the car, they impounded it. And then I also found out on Monday that they were trying to cash a blank check that happened to be in my car in my glove box. And so that was the whole thing. And so I was, I just told you I was tracking all the stuff. And I went into the bank and got all this information and cross checked, cross reference, figured out that the car that they were in was actually the license plate of the other car that they were stolen that I had on the video. So called the guy, I said, the manager of the body shop. And I realize I'm a little flustered in explaining this because it's very alive in my body right now. I hope that you're with me and all you who are listening. Thank you so much for your patience as I'm getting this information now because it's all very fresh. But anyway, so they tried to cash this check and thank God. So this is another thing. Thank God they tried to cash the check. Why? Because I was able to prove that that was the car that they were using, the other car that was stolen. So I got to piece all this stuff together. I was basically Nancy Drew all weekend. I am Nancy Drew. You can change my name on your phone if you want.

Okay.

So legit detective. Anyway, so I tied all this stuff together. Piece all this together. Detective was not willing to actually take this extra initiative. And I'm like, look, this is. These are the people. They actually tried to cash this check. This is the license plate. I called the guy at the body shop and he was able to confirm this stuff. So that was very masculine. All of it. The point of the story is I was in my masculine energy all weekend. If I had been. You know what? I'm just gonna wait. You're right.

Right.

I should just wait. I'm going to wait until Monday. No, no, Like, I get to be in my masculine energy, Laser focus, get done. And then also trust that it's all going to be fine. Because if I was just on my masculine. Just on my masculine. Just on my masculine, hyper vigilant all weekend long and not able to transition back into my feminine in between the phone calls, in between the information, in between the. All of it, I would have been completely stressed out all weekend and maybe had a heart attack. I don't know. I mean, but this is the stuff that is not sustainable.

This is in the middle of the training. Yeah, all this is going down.

It's all going down.

So this is. This is maybe something that you thought about or not. The bigger the mission, the more hurdles get attracted always. So, like, you're doing a training. People have invested money and time and energy and resources and tears and mojo, and you get to this weekend and right before it happens, your car gets.

Stolen literally minutes before.

And you have to go into like, like finite decision making mode and like getting shit done and then come back and be like, hey, we're gonna look at some things in our lives now.

Welcome, everyone.

The switching capacity of the two is honestly what I still struggle with and what I still am working on in my relationship with Carrie Michelle, in being Nova's father is like, when I'm getting shit done or closing a deal or when I'm in my. Which I love. I love being in my masculine energy. The feminine part. Like, that's still a huge learning curve for me. Me.

Well, here's what I want to say about that because I think that when men hear feminine, they, they deem it as. They say that it's weak, they say that it's not strong. But I want you to think about Mother Nature, feminine as strong, as powerful. Think about the forest fires and the tornadoes and the tsunamis and the dry desert and the oceans and the lakes and the rivers and all of it. I mean, it's. It's power. It's a powerful force source. And so the feminine is incredibly powerful. It's. There's the unhealed feminine, there's the unhealed masculine, there's all of that. So there is the dark and the light in all of it. The spectrum of light is available and present in everything that exists. So the feminine is vital and it's. And it's mandatory for there to be some kind of an equilibrium in relationship. And so learning how to transition from the masculine and into the feminine, which is holding space. Yeah, it's the receiving, it's the allowing. If you think about women, hello. It's the most natural state of us is to be in our feminine because we're, we're genetically designed to receive. So when men give themselves permission to be in their feminine, which is holding space and the allowance and the trusting and the receiving and the, the allowance of whatever's meant for them to come to them. If you think about it, it's like being a magnet. To be in your feminine is to be the magnet. To be in your masculine is to get that done, to hustle to. To go after what it is that you want. Great, great. That's needed. Yes. To get the mission to go and to be in the direction that you want it to be in and to give yourself permission to surrender and allow and be patient and wait in certain times when that's vital. That's how you create balance in your life and that's how you can create sustainability in your life. Because the masculine ongoing every single day, all day, all day is not sustainable. And that creates burnout.

I've experienced that firsthand, which, honestly, I'm stoked. We're about to go to Oregon and like, spend time in nature and, you know, have this child. And like, I'm so excited about this because I'm like, wow, there's stuff that's coming up that I don't even know that I don't know yet. It's such a blind spot for me about what's coming. And this is also what excites me about the rest of our lives that we're so grateful to be here for is like, you don't know what it's like when you're 50. You have no idea. It could be something where you're on a villa in Spain. Like, who knows, right? You could be on a yacht.

I love that vision.

Whatever. You could be whatever you want, want. So. So the ultimate question and everything you just said, which I'm like, really digging your rants, Like, I've actually always loved your rants, but, like, these have been extra spicy and special. Everything you went through with the car, everything you're going through with being a woman and a business owner and a wife and just a human being on planet Earth, in the middle of that, there is some kind of anchor that you. When things get hard, when you're triggered, whatever it is, when you're out of center, center, you return to some place inside of you. And that place inside of you, it's been there for your whole life. It's never changed. It's maybe like the part of you that wanted to be a star or wanted to be whatever you wanted to be. The part of you that dreams. What is that part of you that dreams? And money is just like this cool thing. It's a vehicle that allows you to live that dream. So I don't get from you that it's just about the money. Money's good. I love money, but I love really the vehicle and the energy that money provides. Me. Me. That part in you that dreams, that parting you, that. That has never changed. Like, what is that part of you and how does that part of you lead you in life?

Such a beautiful, expansive, deep, profound question. First of all, I want to say I'm going to speak to the money part. I believe that money simply provides us the opportunity to serve the world at a higher capacity. So the more money we have, the bigger impact we can make. You know, the whole, like, service. Service world, you know, the service industry, where people feel like they're going to be better people if they're broke or it's like some kind of initiation or they're just like.

You really think they're feeling better? Do you really think that they feel that way?

Well, I think that. I think that a lot of people, people who are healers and coaches and Servers of the world. There's this unhealed part of themselves with their relationship with money or they, they feel like money is bad or like, like it's, it's only for some people or they need to work really hard in order to have it, in order to earn it, in order to experience it. And, and that was me. I mean, I came from absolute scarcity. I mean, I was taught scarcity and my, my whole upbringing. I remember when my parents, they, they needed to have donations from, from people at our, our church, our community, because we didn't have enough money for food. So I remember that, like that was instilled in me. And, and so it took a lot of work and a lot of commitment and a lot of courage to not only rework that and reprogram that, but also to finally realize that I'm worthy of experiencing money and abundance and everything that I want and desire, like it's available to me, I just simply get to decide and allow it. And so it took a lot of work to, to reorganize and re establish that programming.

So that's an entire pod.

It is.

What you just said. The layers, so many of the onion that probably made you cry when you peeled it. Like all the layers, there's so much there. So. But please, like share that dream space because I, I know I've felt it in you ever since I've known you. And, and I feel it in myself too. Like that's. Maybe it's the divine spark, I don't know. I've been watching a lot of Graham Hancock's work in ancient civilizations and Gaia lately. And the concept of the divine spark, you know, that comes from the altar, the one.

I would say that it was most powerfully activated when I woke up from my coma. That was life altering for me. Leading up to that experience, I always felt like I didn't belong here. Like, I always felt like I was from some other place. Like I never fit in. I just, I felt like an outcast. And it wasn't until I woke up from my coma and I. And I literally woke up a different person. I woke up happy, I woke up grateful. I had this. This. It's almost like my spirit had this upgrade or like there was like a step in or a walk in or a different version of me or a different elevation of me or something stepped in and inhabited my body. And then when I opened my eyes, I looked at the world through a completely different lens. I can't explain it other than that that's the best way I can explain.

It, you opened up your eyes and you just were a different person.

Well, doctors said to my parents, we don't think she's going to wake up anytime soon. We don't think that she's going to wake up with the same kind of function that she used to have. So just, we want to let you know, she's never going to be the same. She will likely have permanent brain damage. And they were right about one thing, that I would never be the same because I woke up a different person. I woke up the next day and it was just such a miracle because I was asking for some kind of validation from the universe and that's what I got. And I woke up a different person. I woke up happy. I woke up with this sense of gratitude and this understanding of the universe. It was like I, it's almost like I left my body and then came back in with this wisdom that I didn't have before. And, and, and when I woke up, I just remember looking around and, and just being so grateful and, and just kind to everybody. My parents had, had gotten divorced and I hated my stepdad, hated him. Until I literally woke up and reached over and grabbed his hand and said, hi, Frankie. And they're like, who are you? What have you done with Jenna? You know, so it was just, that was an example of how I just was different. And so, you know, I'm, I'm honestly so grateful from that, from an experience that on, on paper, by most people's interpretation is a horrible thing to experience. To fall 14ft, landing on your head on concrete, be unconscious immediately and not know if you're ever going to be the same. And as a matter of fact, I wasn't. And thank God for that. That. But through that I, I found my purpose. I found my whole reason for, for being on this planet. And it's to awaken the infinite possibility in as many people as possible, specifically leaders, because this world needs leadership. Responsible, authentic and vulnerable and integrous leadership.

Well then let's round it out like this. The authenticity that you've brought and the way that you've spoken about all the things in your life that I've said before, most people would be, be a little bit hesitant or maybe a lot hesitant to share that there is something about this. Like really it was an nde. It was a near death experience. Like you could have died.

Absolutely. The doctors did not understand how I didn't, they didn't understand how I did not break my neck. Like, like it doesn't make Any sense.

So in a way, you. You definitely, at that point, you died before you're gonna die.

I did.

For sure.

I did.

So the blessing of this and the gift of this and maybe the whole wrapper that we could put on this entire conversation, that, by the way, when you unpack this, like, listen again and. And really feel the vibration of the words. Because the vibration of the words are everything. Like, you know, when people are full of. We were talking about this before recorded. They say the perfect thing, but they don't. There's just something where you're like, I don't. I don't really believe them or I don't really feel them. Like, most of the people listen with their eyes closed. Like they're, you know, laying down, or maybe they're on a walk or something. Like, the ears and our sense of hearing, like, it's so ancient, and there's such a deep, beautiful part of it. Like, when I hear you speak or when I hear the truth, it resonates in a different way. Like, it hits a different part of our body, you know? So to put this wrapper on, like, this concept, this way of being really. Of being authentic, being vulnerable, what are some of the ways that you can share with people when it's appropriated, when vulnerability is appropriated? In other words, I want to be strategically vulnerable, right, with people. I'm going to be on stage, and I'm going to announce that I'm vulnerable. And what is the truth about vulnerability that you now know that maybe you didn't know before?

What I've always known since being on this journey of leadership and emotional intelligence and human behavior and understanding people as people. What I've learned and discovered, but have known for a long time through this journey, is that vulnerability is absolutely a strength. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It's not a weakness. And I know that a lot of people do feel like being vulnerable. It's one of my friends, Christine Hassler, who, you know, she's got that whole context of the vulnerability hangover, which is just so powerful and just resonates. I'm like, oh, girl. Yes.

Yeah.

You know that when you. When you feel. You feel very vulnerable and you're like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have been so vulnerable. And. But I. I just. I really invite people. I invite all of you. All of you who are listening to trust yourself to be vulnerable. Of course, be mindful of the way that you speak about certain things. But vulnerability is. It's not exposing information. It's not. That's not what Vulnerability is. Vulnerability is an essence, experience. It's a way of being. And when you open your heart and you allow people to experience the essence of who you are and what your truth is, that's what matters. It's not sharing information or exposing secrets. That's not necessarily being vulnerable, but really having people witness the essence of who you are, that's vulnerability. And we need more of that, especially.

If we want to lead something. I don't know how you could be a mother, father, leader, business owner if you're not vulnerable. I'm vulnerable with my team all the time.

Yeah.

I come into a meeting sometimes, and I'm like, hey, listen, I didn't sleep well last night. I might be a little edgy today. Cut me some slack, y'.

All. And I love that.

Eventually I'm like, human beings.

Keep it real.

There are some people in business world where it's like, they got to put on a posture, and they're like, this is me being a business person with my business mask on. It's fucking wild. I'm like, I'm so glad I don't have to be like that anymore. You know? One thing I've felt from this conversation, and I know everybody's felt it, too, is like, it's so relieving. It's so nice to not have to, like, fake, to not have to try so hard, to not have to be something that maybe your soul or divine intelligence is making you really awake to the fact that you don't have to be that thing or that person. That's fucking wisdom. Thank you for the wisdom that you brought to the podcast. Thank you for being my friend for these past 13, 14 years. It's been an epic, wild ride.

Yes, friend.

Oh, my God. And we covered so much great brown Jenna, but, like, leave us with this. In the center of everything, there's always been that part of you, that dream part that you talked about. And in the center of that, there's God, and in the center of that, there's everything. But encapsulating all of it and, like, holding all of it is this concept of wellness, like, being. Well, how do you define living your life well? What is wellness to you? And honestly, like, what is it to you now versus what was it to you in the past, you know, with our shared fitness industry stuff, I used to think that wellness was like a six pack, you know, or like. Or like a Bunda butt or something, like some kind of Brazilian. But how do you define wellness?

I'll never forget a training that I was In. I was in a grace training, by the way. I've been in grace 16 times. The train, the somatic training that we have at ala, it has been one of the most important aspects of my development as a leader. And I was in one of these trainings, and I specifically said. I used to think that my purpose was to teach people how to have a six pack and lose weight and feel aesthetically amazing in their body. But I now know that my purpose is to teach people how to love every aspect of themselves. Every square inch of cellulite, every gray hair, every pore, every aspect of their shadow, every aspect of their light. The parts of themselves that they don't want to expose, that they get to love those parts, too. Wellness is loving every aspect of yourself and addressing what the body needs. Because our bodies communicate to us by communicating through us. And so the physical sensations that we have, the dis. Ease that we experience, the discomfort, the tightness in our muscles, all of it, it's just our body talking to us and saying that something's out of alignment. And so we just get to listen to those parts of ourselves. Not make it wrong, but address it, listen to it, tend to it, and water our garden and give ourselves break breaks and not need to have all the boxes checked off in order to feel like we're doing it right. Because there will be seasons. Like, our bodies are gonna. Are gonna experience seasons of really thriving and then moments where we're not thriving. And especially as a mother, I mean, there are. There are seasons that come with that, too. Also had a season of black mold toxicity. So it's like really just giving ourselves permission to be patient and also listening. That's the most important part. Listen to what we need.

Need through your ear and through the cosmic ear of, like, what does love? People say this. We have a mutual friend, Preston Smiles, right? He's like, you know, we are love's voice. Or what? What would love do now? And I'm like, those things sound good, but to actually embody the strength and the virtues, to live that way, that's a lifetime.

Sure is.

So congratulations on coming this far. Like, I'll give myself a pat on the back, too. Like, we've made it. We're still here. We're still living. We're still thriving, and we still get to love.

Love.

So thank you for coming on the show.

Thank you for having me, friend. I love you so much.

Love you too. Tell people where they can connect. Where do they. Where do they get more?

I'm so easy to find Because I'm the only Jenna Phillips Ballard in the universe. There are many Jenna Phillips's, many Jenna Ballards, but Jenna Phillips Ballard, I'm the only one. So you can find me on social media, you can find my website, and any way that you want to work with me, connect with me, ask me any questions you can. And by the way, I answer all my dms. So if you're sending me a message, I'm the one writing back. And I would love to connect with you and hear how today's episode was for you.

Yeah, it was awesome. So thank you guys. From Jenna's heart, from my heart. Until we see you again, we're both wishing you love and wellness. We'll talk to you soon. Hey, thanks for watching this video. If you love this video, hit subscribe. That way you'll be automatically notified when new videos come out, new episodes. And also share this video with a friend. If you love loved it. They're gonna love it too. Check out some of the videos on this screen that are perfectly curated based on the video you just saw. Make sure you follow me and I'll see you in the next video.