How To Overcome Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Issues

I sent Margo the Anxious Avoidant video. I'm like, this is what's going on. Look. And, and in the video it talked about, well, the anxious has a role to play as well. And I think some. Yeah. And I think sometimes one might be seen as better than the other. And I actually know now in full honesty, both the Anxious and avoidant, none of them are better than the other. They actually play a dynamic role in the way that the really gross dance happens.

Right.

Which I'm not interested in playing. Like, I'm interested in a totally different dance.

Yes, same.

But yeah, you know, I, I, I think that's something that really needs to be. Presence as well is like the, the anxious isn't the good one and the avoidant is, is not the good one either.

Right. Well, first in our relationship, I definitely felt like you took on the honorable anxious person and you cared more.

Well, it was a way for me to be in control.

Of course. Of course. Yeah.

And you would shut down.

Yeah. And I felt like everyone just understood Josh's pain because, oh, poor Josh, his heart's hurting and here I am like this like, closed off, shut off person, which isn't my true nature. You know, this has shown up so deep in relationship with you.

Yeah.

Because, yeah. It's like that polarizing energy is pushing me into that because I'm actually anxious in all my previous relationships. So it was so funny. But yeah, there just became this like, narrative that I, I just felt like everyone understood Josh's pain and felt for Josh. And I'm like, well, what about me? Like, I'm actually very soft hearted. And anyways. Yeah. And, and I felt like you took that badge with Anxious, like, as it was better than Avoidant because avoidant didn't give a shit. Didn't care.

Yeah. The unconscious projection was that my dad was extremely avoidant and my mom was kind of just boundaryless. I mean, I love my mom, but she, she didn't have the under even understanding of boundaries. So in a way I think she was also sometimes, actually it's perfect. She was sometimes anxious, she was sometimes avoidant, which is truly bipolar. You know, it's, it's like this, it's like my little nervous system, my little boy nervous system, never actually knew, like, and you know, if my mom watches this, I just want to share with you. Like, I love you, mom. Like, I, this is not. You did absolutely the best you could, 100% with everything that transpired. But the result of that was that I never really knew like, what home base Felt like. And so anytime that your behavior would. Would elicit the same feelings in me that I felt when I was younger, I would go into, like, damage control mode. Cause I could think about moments of, like, having to do the dishes for my mom, her being in the room crying, and me, like, making my own dinner and just like, what the fuck do I do? Like, how do I. How do I feel at home in myself? How do I. How do I feel at home? And then being with my dad and that. My stepmom when I was in high school and just the craziness that happened and. Yeah, just feeling so much deep pain around this. This wound with my father that, you know, through. Through your guidance and insight, I was able to like, just really actually treat it in the same way that I would treat my son. Like, oh, you're. You're being avoidant. Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. You're. You're. You're not wanting to be part of Nova's life or Nova or Naya's life. You're not wanting to meet Kerry Michelle. You're not. You're not wanting these things. Okay, like, how do I. How do I be okay with that? And I think. I think I'm on the road to that now. Like, actually understanding how to. How to be that, how to embody that. I don't have it mastered. Like, it's not. I'm not going to bullshit, but. But I think there's a starting path for me there to just, like, just let him be. And the last thing I'll say is that, you know, I had another one of the six elders that has been on this podcast with you is like, he sat right there and he said, maybe. Maybe the greatest gift your father could ever give you is the absence of his presence. And there's. There's definitely, like, there's pain there, you know, because, like, who. Who doesn't want their father to be in their life? Who doesn't want their mother to be in their life? But. But there's also. There's truth there. And maybe on some level that. That actually is the truth. Because you asked me in ceremony, like, do you want your father to be in your life? Yeah, and I sat with that, and I was like, no, I don't. I don't. But it's not a fuck you. It's not a. It's not. I hate you. It's like, I. I can't. I can't bring you into my family when you behave in that way. Like, it's not safe for my woman. It's not safe for my children. It's not safe for me. So. So there's. There's emotion there. Like, there's freeing, there's liberation there, but there's also pain. And that. That gets to be felt in due time. Yeah. And I can see how that. It's so. It's. It's. It's nauseating. The projection of that onto you. And in the. Just actually, the real. The hardening of my heart most likely was attached to that as well. Because if I can't trust that God would bring me a father that loved me or that God would bring me a mother that was safe, then there is no God. I've even said in times in the past, like, fuck you, God. I've said that anger towards God. And now it's like, okay, let's choose a different game. Let's choose a different way to be okay with this, rather than me having. Because all that is, is me just wanting to be in control and looking.

At what strengths those parents brought you, like, finding little tidbits because it made you the amazing man you are. Yes, the tensions and the difficulties. But he brought me that, and he brought me that. And then also to keep going into the heart of. I had some difficult relations with parents. And, you know, and I go, I didn't know then that's when I am taking care of kids. And I tell their parents, I have trouble with this behavior. And I ask the parents, what do you. You do at home because it's me rather than your child's a problem. So I look at that as parents. It's like, my parents were a problem. They didn't give me what I need. But it's like, I don't have the strength right now. Maybe I will later, but it's good to give space. So I don't keep projecting on these old patterns that cause these being so just how. I don't know, like, even to a parent saying, I don't, I don't. I'm feeling sad right now with you, but I. I don't have the tools to really have a deep conversation. I want to, but I really hope we do in the future. So it puts out this. It's all self. It's all about me. It's not about, you weren't there for me. And that kind of turns it around of. I'm gonna work on my heart. I'm gonna protect my heart, but I'm also gonna work and hope that it softens and maybe I'll have the word someday, you know? Right now, my mom is long gone, but I still like, oh, Mom, I wish you could see me now. And look. Look at the gifts you gave me. We weren't that close. I see her community and her, you know, all her crafts, and it's like, what gifts did they give you? And just kind of put those in your little treasure bag.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he. He definitely gave me the gift of perseverance and of commitment because he was very committed and perseverant.

Yeah.

So, yeah, you know, if my dad ever sees this, like, I. I love you to the best that I can. I love you in the way that I can. And there's. There's a line. Right. There's a line for me and the people I love as well. And, you know, I love you to the best that I can. You know, it feels very freeing to say based on the resources that anyone has in any moment. Check out some of the videos on this screen that are perfectly curated based on the video you just saw. Make sure you follow me and I'll see you in the next video.