Luke Storey: Relationships, Consciousness, & Coming Home To Yourself | Wellness Force #Podcast

I was just hell bent on self destruction. And then once I escaped that, then it was, you know, about trying to cobble together this a new version of myself when I got sober. And as you indicated, all these other sub addictions and sub coping mechanisms that, you know, yeah, you're not doing drugs and drinking, but the shopping and the sex and racking up debt and smoking cigarettes and just dysfunctional relationships and all of that stuff that one can use to evade that depth of feeling and felt sense of being.

Hey, live people. It's so much. It's way louder in our heads. There's. I think there's seven cameras here, you guys. I'm not even joking. So if you're watching this on, I think it's my personal here on Instagram. This is the one and only Luke story. What's up, Luke?

Hey, guys.

We're going to talk about conscious relationships today, among other things. Among other things. But. But the last time I saw Luke, last time I saw you, man, at your house, you were in a completely different space. And I've been so inspired just to know a little bit of your story just from social media, but you've been handling quite a bit like you've been changing, you've been morphing, you've been doing different medicines, you went to Costa Rica. You still living in la. Live and let die in la. Live and let live in la. How have you been, man? It's been like a year and a half since you're on Wellness Forest, maybe even two years.

Josh. Life is. Life's really good. I mean, if nothing else, it's interesting, you know, in light of everything that's going on. I'm doing my best to see the current events that we see transpire in the world as a new beginning and the end of a former paradigm. But it is challenging at times. You know, watching Streets of LA on Fire again. I was there in the LA riots in the 90s. And you know, seeing all of that kind of come back around and the overreach of the powers that be come to fruition and, you know, watching the things that someone like David Icke was talking about 20 years ago actually happen is kind of disconcerting. You know, it's like those conspiracy theories you hoped weren't true and are kind of now proving themselves to be so. But aside from all of that in the outer. My inner world is amazing. And as you know, my lovely girlfriend Allison was just here. And, you know, that has been an absolute blessing. And really since the beginning of 2019 in January, when I went to Rhythmia at your recommendation, by the way. Thank you.

You're welcome, man.

For that. Because you know that that was a challenging decision.

Oh, yeah. Especially with your background. People don't know. 20 years, I believe, of that was.

20 drugs and alcohol, 22 years sober when I went there. And so, yeah, that set off this whole other, as anyone would know, that has had those type of experiences, set off a whole other degree of awakening and depth and healing and just absolute transformation. So it's been about a year and a half since that initial liftoff. And so while all areas of my inner world, and as a result, outer world have been up, leveling and improving, there's the contrast of what's going on in the world at large. So it's a really. It's an interesting time, but it's great, dude. It's great. It's a great time to be alive.

I remember the last time I was at your house, we were doing biohacking, and at the time, you're in a different relationship, and there were some books on the wall, and one of them was crooked. And I was like, oh, there's some nice books up there. I think, like, you even had Hawkins book up on the counter or something. And you're like, yeah, I got in a fight with my. With my lady today. And I don't. You know, it was just. It was a crazy morning. And I'd like to try. I'd like to contrast what's transpired, dude. So you're in a totally different relationship now. You're in, really, what I can see and feel just from meeting this woman, a very deeply loving, conscious relationship. What was it like transitioning from that to where you are now? How much time was there. Were you in the relationship when you met Alison? She's a rock star shaman, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Alison Charles. No, I don't do things like that. Definitely, you know, space in between. My journey with relationships, man, has been wild. And I. I think I have to just give context of backing up a little bit and say that, like many of us, I never learned how to do it, you know, and so I was recently actually interviewing kind of. Well, not interviewing, but because it wasn't being recorded, although I hope it someday will be. But I was just talking to my mom about our family lineage going back on her side. I interviewed my dad, like, on camera, just for prosperity, which maybe somebody. I'll put out his podcast episode a couple years ago about his whole side of the family and just going back, there's Just so much alcoholism and dysfunction and abuse, neglect, abandonment. And that's kind of the world that I chose to come in as a incarnated being. And so observing the primary care givers that were adults as a kid, I didn't learn about healthy relationships at all. And. And then left home when I was 14 and pretty much didn't go back and so set out in the world to try to, you know, meet whatever needs I had. And it's really interesting, actually to observe how, and we know this from the basics of pop psychology, that you're going to marry your mom or you're going to marry your dad, right, that dynamic. And I heard that and had seen glimpses of that, but in the past couple years, I' really seen how that is so true in that when you have traumatic experiences with your primary relationships, at least in my case for sure, those definitely tend to play out and repeat themselves. And so you meet someone and it feels like it's so right. And it's not necessarily that it's so right, it's that it's so familiar. And there's a part of me that recognizes that dynamic. And so I went through most of my adult life and adolescence avoiding intimacy and closeness and vulnerability because of things that happened when I was a kid that caused me to feel sort of entrapped by relationships and by women specifically. So I was like the perpetual unavailable guy. And, you know, I had a few girlfriends here and there, but I just would never allow myself to really open my heart. I didn't know how to do that because I didn't know how to do it for myself.

Did you recognize yourself looking back as more of like an avoidant tendency?

100%, yeah. And I didn't even know these terms or any of this stuff, you know, but essentially, to make a long story as short as I can and bring it up to speed, it's that, yeah, I was very love avoidant coupled with. I don't know if I was ever a bonafide sex addict per se, because it didn't really like, control my life or ruin my life. When I think about being addicted to something as I was to drugs, I mean, that's all there was. It just eclipsed anything and everything else in terms of my hierarchy of values. And I don't know that sex ever really did that, but I think I had a lot of sex as a means by which to avoid love and intimacy, if that makes sense.

Yeah, it does.

Not really getting too close to one person not wanting to be monogamous. You know, reading Sex at Dawn, thinking everyone's supposed to be poly, like all those different phases, you know. But what happened for me was a few years ago, and no offense to anyone, that's like reading those books and, you know, the Ethical Slut, there's a bunch of those books that are like, we're supposed to.

Everyone called the Ethical Slut.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, it's a good book.

All right, cool.

You know, and for some people's path it might be, you know, I mean, you were, you know, our friend Aubrey experimented with that for a long time.

And I think for some time, which he's now monogamous. Now he's married.

Is he really?

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know he got. Good for him.

Yeah.

So anyway, so what happened was, you know, I'm drugs and alcohol these years, total train wreck, mess, trying to cope and medicate, you know, my trauma. And then I got sober when I was 26 and then attempted to stumble my way through a few relationships because that's kind of what you're supposed to do when you get sober. You kind of get your shit together and, you know, nest up and tried that and had a pretty miserable time and made. Made a lot of mistakes and probably hurt a few people and was hurt by a few people. Fast forward to, you know, maybe into my 20 years of sobriety. And I had been practicing Kundalini Yoga in a very committed way for many years and really opening up the chakras, you know, which sounds like some. You read in, like, yoga journal, right? But it actually happened.

There's some truth there.

It happened to me. And so what happened was as I started to be, you know, continue to be avoidant and just kind of have casual relationships, and I would say most of the time doing so quite honestly and transparently, because that was part of my sobriety, is, you know, you don't hurt people and manipulate people and lie and be a dick. You do your best to be less selfish than you once were. And so in those endeavors, there was a lot overtly stated that, like, hey, I'm the unavailable guy that you hang out with on the side while you're looking for a husband who wants to settle down with you. I mean, I would literally say that probably even on the first date and a number of occasions. What happened, though, is as I started to do more inner work and more awakening and get more in touch with myself, and especially doing that Kundalini Yoga is that the second chakra could no longer be disconnected from the fourth. Is the fourth your Heart. Let's get the numbers.

Root sacral. Yeah.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. The numbers anyway. You know, my private parts started to become intimately connected to my heart center, you know. And so I would attempt to have relationships that were more shallow and based on physicality and fun and freedom and all of that. And. And then what I started to find was this value that I had held onto so tightly, My perceived sense of freedom that, like, I want to go where I want, when I want, be with who I want, whenever, all this kind of thing. I started to realize that I had actually imprisoned myself and that my interpretation of and version of freedom was actually very confining because I wasn't able to fully express my heart. And so. And that real vulnerability where that sweetness of human connection really exists. And so I stumbled into a couple of relationships with the intention of having more of a physical experience. And then my heart got involved because I could no longer disconnect those two. I became too conscious, in other words, to have an unconscious relationship, and had a couple that were very challenging emotionally and that were, in hindsight, although there was authentic caring and lovingness inherent to those relationships, there was a lot of trauma bonding going on where I was reenacting systems and programming and patterns developed in childhood through my early bonding relationships.

Yeah. And it probably felt just as lucrative as anything else. Or just almost addictive in a way.

Oh, incredible.

Trauma bonding can be like, oh, that's the thrill that I've been looking for. But really it's like you want somebody to feel at home with.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Isn't that really what we're all looking for?

But the.

The exciting thing's so fun. Cause it's like, oh, it's a new person. We're gonna do all these new things together. They kind of like trigger me like my mom or my dad does. There was a point though, where you had to decide like, oh, this actually isn't for me. You had to love yourself enough to leave potentially addictive relationships that most people don't have that consciousness to get through.

Yeah. And you know, like any big paramount shifts and transformation that I've had in my life, and I'm not being self deprecating, but just honestly, they've not been instigated out of virtue. They've been instigated out of abject pain and hitting a wall. That's like, I can't do this anymore. You know, I would have never quit doing drugs if it was still serving me. Drugs are awesome. Especially if you're someone with a Lot of unresolved trauma. You take heroin, it's amazing at killing pain. However, the side effects of that particular coping mechanism are horrific and will kill.

Don't do heroin, kids.

Yeah. And so, you know, in like measure, going in and out of relationships where, you know, I'm just experiencing insomnia, nausea, digestive problems. I mean, just my nervous system is just broken from unresolved earlier issues that are being re triggered and remanifesting and compounded on by seeking out unconsciously those same dynamics. So with me, it got to a point where I was just like, I'm opting out. I'm a hard out. I quit porn. People ask me, did you quit the thing you do when you watch porn? Not entirely, but I became much more aware of when I was doing it to escape, you know what I mean? And I just kind of became relegated to something done maybe if I wanted to fall asleep or. I mean, really, like it was a.

Conscious use of it.

Yeah, a utilitarian use, I might say. I mean, I'm 49. I'm not incredibly horny these days, you know, like I was in my 20s or even 30s. But anyway, you know, quit porn, quit dating. Went to groups that help people with this kind of dysfunctional behavior.

What kind of groups, though? Like specifically 12 step groups. 12 step groups.

I mean, you know, it's tricky there because there's anonymity issues, but I went to groups of people that are having problems with the relationships and sex addiction, love addiction, avoidance. I didn't know anything about any of this stuff because I just avoided all of it and just was sober, having fun, living my life. I had a career in Hollywood working in fashion, and this is. Why would you ever look at that? Just be conscious. Do your very best not to hurt people or mislead people and just have fun. And that's what I did up until the point where that fund started to be really empty. And I realized that, you know, like everything I just said. But anyway, so I started buying every book on like, codependency and love addiction, sexual, all that stuff.

What were some of the first books you bought?

Oh, Pia Melody. I forget the name of it. Pia Melody's work on codependency. They both have very similar names and I always get them confused. Pia Melody. And the other one is somebody knows it right now. Melody. It's Mel. They both have a melody in their name that's spelled differently and they write on codependency and love addiction and avoidance and stuff. Yeah, I can let you know for the show notes, because I'm having them.

Yeah.

But anyway, I just started devouring every podcast about dysfunctional relationships, addictive relationships, because I'm like, dude, why is this so difficult? I have my shit together pretty well in most areas of my life, yet here I go, repeating these patterns. And even if it's not the same exact pattern, it's inevitably going to be one that matches one of those early dynamics. So I did, you know, about 18 months, 20 months or so, almost two years all in with no porn, no dating, no sex, no flirting. I mean, I barely even looked away. Women in the eyes.

This is like ultimate celibacy.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it was necessary for me in order to do a hard reset and to really be able to have a high degree of objectivity about my behavior, my patterns, and what it was underneath all of that that needed to be healed. And so that started to really be revealed. And I really did start to see these patterns so clearly. Just through writing and reading and journaling and praying and meditating, just going like, God, I actually now in my life at that point, want to be in a committed, monogamous, long term relationship pretty much for the first time in my life, you know, and this is in my. I don't know, I'm not good at numbers, but, you know, mid-40s, I guess you could say, at that point, you know, and I'm like, finally ready to come out of the Peter Pan phase of just, like having fun and being free and really, really settle down in a serious way or in a meaningful way. Not never a serious way. I don't like seriousness, but in a meaningful way, as I said, because I. Dude, my heart was just exploding with love and I have so much love inside me. It's just like. I mean, this is just how I live every day is just cultivating that and just emanating that and receiving that. And it got to this point where there was just this disconnect where that transmitter was being muted and stifled. And that became incredibly heartbreaking to have those feelings that are emerging and wanting to be shared and then having, you know, my old wounds put the brakes on that. Go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep that down. So the reset was all about that. Once I felt I was ready, I prayed. I conferred with my guides of all types and set out to go about dating. When I went to go date again after that period, I had a very clear plan. I mean, it was like I wrote down every single thing I was looking for. All my red flags, all my non negotiables I mean, I had to be very methodical about it and very, quite linear. It was just like, okay, I'm a dude, like, this is what I want, this is what I don't want. And also a very clear and honest inventory of what I have to offer a relationship. Which surprisingly to me I found was quite a lot because of the work that I'd done.

Yeah, you were willing to go very deep. I mean, this is Byron. Katie as well was in there somehow, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Along with the codependency understandings and emotional inventory. For me, it just hits me in the heart because this is about a year. A few days ago I was talking with Kerry Michelle and I was like, wow, it's been an entire year since I've viewed pornography. And like that was a 25 year addiction.

Yeah.

So like hearing that from you and just having more conscious men talk about this, it's so, so healing. And honestly, it just like takes a load off my back just to be able to talk about the truth. Because really, what, what is pornography? It's the same exact kind of like temporary medicine that people are craving, which is like a calming of the nervous system, but really overworking. Pornography, shopping addiction, any kind of addiction. Like a disconnection from self, from. From who you were. For me, it was like I was just, how am I gonna do it all? That was, that was what I was running from. How am I gonna, like, have a successful business and a relationship and a podcast and how am I gonna hold all the space? Like, that was just like eating me alive. So I was having podcasts about like being a great conscious man and then I'd be like watching porn. So it's like, what the fuck? There was a total misalignment of who I was. There was a point though where I actually went to a ceremony and I got so affected by that ceremony, it was. The space was not held properly that I had to go and get cleared and healed from Paul Check from my mentor. And he was like, yeah, if I had to describe it, you have like a crocodile, like a black entity on your body. And so he cleared it. And I realized like a month later, like, wow. I picked that up during the ceremony. And it was a beautiful gift because entities can't live unless there's space for them to be in. So there was something within me that needed to be healed. And I think about that. The reason I'm saying I'm sharing this is because for you, man, you had so many years of not wanting to get down in there, really your heart was like wanting. Was it that you didn't feel worthy? Was it that you didn't even know what that was? Like there was something in there that wanted love, but then there was something else that was like mashing it down. Like, what was that? That fight, that duality?

Well, I think it's my misunderstanding of the principle of freedom, you know, and that I thought freedom was not having to commit to another person. I mean, it's really. It's so ridiculous sounding now to even voice that out loud because now freedom to me is like with my. Oh God, Freedom now with my amazing partner Allison is. It's. There's such a depth of freedom. There's a freedom to unabashedly, with any. Without any reservation whatsoever, to express how much I love her both in word and in deeds, and not to feel, which is how I used to feel. It's just now the dysfunction becomes so clear to me because of the contrast. But I really used to believe if you truly showed a woman how much you love them, that they would eventually take that information and use it as a dagger to destroy you. I mean, this is the kind of dysfunctional thinking I used to have. So that element of freedom and then the other element of freedom to just be at home, you know, that feeling you have when you walk into your house, provided you have a home that you enjoy and feel safe and, you know, some people don't. Yeah, I used to not, but it's that feeling of being home and just to have zero guard up and to just be able to breathe, you know, it's like I was in so many situations that I put myself in relationally where I was always holding my breath thinking, well, at least I'm not fully committed to this, so I'm free, you know, but like holding your breath, how is that free? You know? And now it's just. I mean, I'm. I'm still shocked at how authentic and real I can be with. With my girlfriend and that she still loves me, you know, and that's. I'm not. Again, it's not a self deprecating thing. I'm just like, I didn't know you could actually be yourself to this degree. And just the more myself I am, the more that self is received and loved and accepted and. And I'm also have the capacity to do that as well, which is ever growing, you know, so it's like, I think that the restriction that I was putting on myself was just a protective mechanism, man, because I, you know, I was Just hurt so much when I was a kid. And then I, I made like a lifelong career out of hurting myself even more and I was just hell bent on self destruction. And then once I escaped that, then it was, you know, about trying to cobble together this a new version of myself when I got sober. And as you indicated, all these other sub addictions and sub coping mechanisms that, you know, yeah, you're not doing drugs and drinking, but the shopping and the sex and racking up debt and smoking cigarettes and just dysfunctional relationships and all of that stuff that one can use to evade that depth of feeling and felt sense of being. And now it's like, I mean, I still have my little quirks and habits. Don't get me wrong, I've not ascended, you know, the human experience, but in terms of the context of relationships. I was shown in a number of different medicine ceremonies that while I'm sure there's still left to a lot left to learn in relating to another, but the lessons of repeating the childhood patterns are done. Those are done.

This just feels so freeing. I can just like, yeah, feel it on you.

So being the brave that I am, you know, I was willing to just keep getting back in the ring.

Yeah.

And, and I'm, I'm so grateful that God gave me that courage and stamina and tenacity rather than just reverting back into further avoidance of intimacy because of the fear. Like each time I hurt myself in a relationship or in some cases was hurt by other, they're probably one in the same. I took some time, integrated those lessons in whatever ways were necessary. In, in many cases in the past couple years, it's been through medicine and then came out and went, okay, got it, lesson learned. I'm now done with that pattern. I don't have to marry my mommy or marry my daddy or marry my abusers anymore. There's a new experience. And so the lessons in my relationship now, rather than being based on repeating those patterns and having them heard enough, where I'm willing to examine them and then erase those patterns and build new ones, and it's now just all new pattern. It's like, how intimate can I be? How selfless can I be? How considerate can I be? How much can I open my heart, you know, how much love can I allow in? How much vulnerability, how much can I be myself? How honest can I be in my relationship? How committed can I be to the relationship in and of itself and also to my partner? And so it's like the lessons are now in and not to say that, you know, there aren't things that we need to talk about and work through. Yesterday we had a chat about some stuff, and it was a little uncomfortable for 15, 20 minutes. You know, it's a little bit of a tough talk. But here's the thing. There's so much here, dude.

There's so much to unpack.

Here's the thing.

I'm just letting you go because I'm like, man, I'm taking no.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. It's. I'm not that great at being interviewed, I'll be honest, because I never leave room for more questions because I just. There's so much I want to get out. And I don't know if that's a bad thing, but it's a good thing.

I'll corral you in, but I'll be.

Able to put a bow on it. Here's the thing, though, Josh, is that in order for me to be receptive to the kind of partner that I have now, it was really necessary for me to delve into my sense of self worth and my sense of deserving and capacity, maturity, my level of consciousness, to be able to deserve someone who can have an uncomfortable conversation like we had without any blame, guilt, recrimination. It's like how I exist in my world on a good day, which is most of the time is in a position of witness, observing the phenomenon of my thoughts and feelings. And when my thoughts feel go like, really, you had to put a cell tower right there in front of someone's house. You at and t. Or really assigned to wear a mask on the beach, you idiots. Viruses don't live in the sun, you know, These are the kind of thoughts that come up.

Put on your mask when you walk to the table. When you sit at the table, you.

Can take your mask off. The ludicrous, ridiculous nature of reality as we know it now. In so many ways, I'm training myself, and have been for a long time, to watch for that negativity and to watch for that spin on something, to find it wrong and to call it wrong, and then for my ego to be like, I'm right. So coming from this place of living life as a prayer life is a meditation to. Whereas I witness these things in myself, most of the time, I'm able to have some agency over them because of that awareness. Right? Being now in relationship with someone that's also been doing that for as long as I have and does it for herself, by herself, that when we come together and form this union. Now, the bond and the communication is on that level where it's like such a higher level. Two observers going, oh, wow. When you said that, it really triggered this thing in me. And I'm observing that. Will you observe this with me and acknowledge this within me? Yes, honey, tell me what that's like. I'm right here. I'm breathing with you. I am in your face. I'm leaning in.

There's so much listening, there's so much that overlaps here because you're. You're an ego structure who is also has an observer. And you don't want to like completely kill the ego because the egos allows you to be.

Luke can't.

That's what makes you play guitar and do a podcast.

I'd be wearing ugly dad jeans.

Exactly. You'd be wearing those thick white sneakers with the pulled up white socks, man. So. So, so there's the ego, there's the observer, and then there's also a connection with spirit, because Whether you're in 12 step or not, and you and I have talked about this multiple times, man, it is people's disconnection from God or spirit that actually think, makes them think that they're alone. That's. That's what perpetuates the illusion of separation. So along this journey, man, I almost feel like, and I'm curious how you feel the right woman comes along or however you want to identify the right partner comes along. For you, it's a woman. For me, it's a woman. The right woman comes along, and that is what brings you back home to God. Because she reminds you that person reminds you that, oh, well, that's God talking to God. That's me interfacing as God to another God. Let's create a life of heaven together here on planet Earth. But it's not spiritual bypassing. You've obviously done the work. Like, you've gone through many multiple dark nights of the soul. Last time I remember, we were talking about a cockroach when you were passed out on the floor when you were in addiction land. And so here you sit today, man.

A few of them. A few.

So here you sit today. You know, you interviewed Allison. I think it was episode 111, which I want to know the significance of that episode. The number. Did you plan that? And then also who. Who is this woman that reminded you that you're God? So is she. And you guys can do this work at a higher level together.

Should just have her in the interview with us. Yeah, you know, it's interesting when I met Allison. Here's. Here's how it happened. I was speaking at this event called WITMA in New York a couple, maybe three years ago, three and a half years ago, and. And I saw her on the social media post and things, the promotional materials, and I was like, whoa, hottie, hello.

This is during celibacy.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem.

Yeah.

So I was like, yep. Well, not for you, Luke, but she might be a great interview. And so when I was out there, I crammed in, I don't know, like, 15 interviews in two weeks or something like that. I did a lot of recording, and she was one of them. And, you know, I studied up on her work. Like, I would anyone that I'm going to interview so I can walk in educated and have some good questions. And I was attracted to her. But like I said, I was in. In that zone that I was in. There was no flirting. There was no. I mean, she would have thought that I was married or gay. Like, there was zero indication that I thought she was physically attractive because I wasn't giving that energy because I had to withdraw all of that energy I was wasting from being in the coffee shop and, like, looking over that kind of thing. Like, did she look at me? Yeah, she looked at me. I'm okay. I'm worth something. You know? Like, all that shit just had to be dismantled. So I meet her, and I'm just business. Hi, nice to meet you, Allison. Let's do the interview. But during the interview, 1:11. Yes, it was 1:11. Not planned, but it just happened that way. By the way.

By the way, 2522, our street address adds up to 11. I just want to throw that out there.

Cool.

So a lot of ones up in here.

Cool, cool.

Yeah.

During that interview, I had a moment of awakening with her, which I'll never forget. It's on video. You know, I had it on Facebook Live, so I still have the video. Probably play it at our wedding or something someday. But, yeah, there was a moment where I was explaining to her why I was doing my thing. And. And because her awakening had come out of relationships, 100%. She was not an addict or anything like that. She just was in a long, really tumultuous relationship that ended in a lot of pain. And so that was the beginning of her awakening. So we were talking kind of along those lines. And in that moment is when I had the realization that I was breaking my own heart by withholding my love. And I expressed that to her in that moment. And she was just there. I don't know, there's, there's no other way to explain it, but it was a really vulnerable moment for me. And it was also a moment in which I re. I had an awakening or a mini realization right there that I didn't really know. I hadn't articulated it in that way. And she was just like smiling, eyes open, heart open, completely just full of empathy in that moment with me, without judgment and just really held space and it was meaningful to me. But she lived in New York. I was celibate and whatever, so that was the end of it. And then we, you know, stayed in touch here and there and spoke at some events together and said hi and texted every once in a while. And I always liked her. But I just. One of my non negotiables was long distance relationships. When I came out of that period and wrote that list of things I would and wouldn't do to keep myself sane and, and healthy and happy, it was a two hour limit on, on, on commuting, you know, not farther than two hours away.

And you have to be a really strong. To do long distance relationship.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I mean, when Carrie Michelle and I first started dating, there was three months of long distance. She was in Sedona, I was here. And I would have like full panic attacks, dude. Like I'd be like, what the hell's going on here? And it was all that stuff that you had described where from our child childhood, these things come up. And I think initially, like when I first started, I was like, I can handle this, I can do this. But you will never meet God or you will never meet yourself as you would in a conscious relationship. Like, oh man. And so you're, you're celibate. You meet her. Then what happened to get her on episode 111 of your show?

Well, I mean, that was really the first time we met, was that moment, you know, I walked into this business where we were going to record and that was the first time I technically met her. And yeah, had that interview and then that was it. And a couple years go by, I continue on my path of, you know, the celibacy and doing work on myself and stuff. And then when I was ready to date, I started dating and dated someone else for a number of months. And so, you know, she was just off radar. Friend zone. I'm really good about that these days. You know, my boundaries are really, really important to me for myself and for the people that I'm with. And so there was just, you know, no energizing of that during that relationship. And then for a number of different reasons, eventually that relationship we decided to part ways. And I thought, honestly, I would take quite a while off. It was pretty difficult for me because I had, you know, come out of the cave and emerged and really did my best to make something work. And that it didn't work out was really, really difficult. And I thought, I'm going to take a long time, maybe not a couple years, but definitely like, I need to just get into myself and also not just get back out there and like, well, that didn't work out. Next. So I went, I went to Sultara and Costa Rica and a lot of the introspection and inner work I did was about like, huh, okay, so what happened this time, Luke? You know, what did you do? Not in a self blaming way, but a self responsibility way. What did you contribute to this that caused it not to be viable long term? You know, And I discovered a lot about myself and more of those patterns emerged.

What did the medicine show you about the pattern? What was the key pattern?

Well, it's, you know, it's. Honestly, it's difficult to say. It's difficult to describe without, you know, while respecting the privacy of people involved. So I don't know how much I can go into on that just out of respect, but I think generally speaking, it's just there were a lot of patterns that had to do with my mom when I was a kid and a dynamic there that perpetuated itself in a few different shades. And in that situation in Soltara, I think I realized that there was a bit of a pattern in the relationship with my dad when I was a kid. And so, yeah, just more patterns.

So those were projecting into the relationship, but you were unconscious of that until you went to a different state, which is why the conscious use. And I do say damn conscious.

Yeah.

Because I've been scorched in ceremonies that take me a year to get over legitimately. So it's very important that people have a conscious pathway to do medicine. So on a high level, and I know you can't get too deep into it, but for the people like with us here, because there's been some moments where, like, I've just been so happy to be alive, man, you're reminding me like, oh, yeah, crying is good, emotions are good. And it's a beautiful feeling, like, especially coming from the narrative where I came from, which was like, East County, La Mesa, throw some dirt on it, get back out there, don't Be a. How many women did you sleep with, how much beer you drink, and what's your car look like? Like, that was basically it, man. And so it's one way to live, having this. Having this conversation with you, like there was some really potent medicine that you got and maybe just go as deep as you can with respect to these people.

Here's what I found at Sultara. I guess I could say it like, this was that there was still a lot more work to be done on loving myself and on having standards for myself in terms of how I treat other people and how I allow myself to be treated. And I saw there. God, there's so much. I mean, it was such a profound experience, those four ceremonies. But essentially, I saw how I had abandoned myself, and I had seen in prior ceremonies how I had been abandoned and neglected in various ways throughout my life. But this one was all on me. This one was, like, wanting things to work so bad and wanting love so bad that I lost the connection with myself and my own sovereignty, my own individuality, my own ability to feel autonomous and connected to God without another person. You know, so perhaps you could say some version of codependency, maybe, and, like.

A little sneaky one in the corner.

Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, and, you know, and just in all. In all fairness, I think ultimately just issues of compatibility, too, you know, it's just the way you think, the way you believe, the way you interact in the world is just different than someone sometimes, you know, and it's not a matter of, like, who was right or who was wrong. It's just. You're just different. You just do things differently. You see things differently, and at some point those things converge and you realize, like, oh, yeah, no, this is not. This is not going to work. You know, but at a. On a. On a deeper level, yeah, I think the lesson was really in about just really getting connected to my heart, man, and just really going in there and just having a really high standard in terms of how I treat myself and up leveling that standard where I just refuse to accept anything less than absolute respect and love for myself. And as I started to embody that came out of that. That relationship, and I don't know how many. Few months went by, and then, yeah, Allison was out here visiting and mentioned to me that she was moving here. And I was like, excuse me.

That.

Just changed the whole game. Or maybe she had texted me, like, yeah, I'm coming to la, because I'm going to be moving there. I was like, oh, shit. Like, was not expecting that because she was total friend zone. Like, when I finally did express to her that I was interested in her, I mean, she. She turned like, white as a ghost. She was like, what? Because I had been so, so friend zone with her, you know, for the reasons that I described earlier. But anyway, you know, I went to coffee with her after I was, you know, very cleanly and out of that relationship and had done a lot of work on myself. And I just said, hey, listen, you know, I just want to be straight up with you. I've always been really attracted to you. I've never asked you out because you lived in New York. If you're moving out here, I want to take you out. And she was just like, what? I'll never forget that moment.

That takes balls.

Yeah, it was a full switch up. She was just like, who is this dude? You know, because, I mean, it's just like I said. And I'm just that way. I don't feel flirt. It's like I'm either into you and I'm going to just be like, hey, I'm into you, or I'm not, and then we're friend zone or whatever. It's not my steez to feed off that. I don't like ambiguity and subtlety. I like just directness. Man.

This is what your dad talked about. He's like, when you really find that.