This is a conversational YouTube interview (host Josh Trent with guest John Wineland) exploring why many men feel their efforts in relationships fall short. Wineland frames a central claim: traditional "currencies" of being a good husband (provider, protector, father) are now baseline table-stakes, while modern feminine needs emphasize presence, depth, embodied emotionality, humor, and a different kind of sexuality. Men come to him feeling confused despite fulfilling conventional roles; Wineland traces this to cultural evolution (women developing embodied relational arts over millennia) and recommends committed personal practice toward responsibility and depth.
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Is there a common thread when you look at the, the, I guess you could say unintegrated, or, or the wounded projections of men, specifically when it comes to the mind and the heart, you know, Hawkins talks about the greatest space for us is between the head and the heart. Sometimes for us it's Miles, has there been a common thread with all the men that have. That have come to your workshops? And, and they say, like, I'm doing everything she asked for and I'm still not getting what I want.
Yeah.
What are they missing? What is that thread that they're missing?
Yeah, I mean, the. Basically the whole book is about that. The myth of the good husband. Right. Like, I'm giving her everything that she wants. I'm supporting of her career. I'm a good husband, I'm a good provider, I'm a good father. Da, da, da, da. And yet it's still never enough. And those currencies, the currencies that we were raised on thinking are the most important currencies for love are no longer the most important. That now they're just the table stakes. That's just where you start right now there's these new currencies that the feminine is waking up to about presence and depth and humor and embodied embodiment. Right. And a certain kind of sexuality that's possible. Like they are realizing that there's a. And it's great because they're calling us to a deeper understanding of magic, love, all the beautiful things. Right? Yeah. They're 100,000 years ahead of us. They've been dancing in the woods and you know, practicing magic and doing the things that women were trained to do for hundreds of thousands of years. We were basically warring and I'm generalizing tremendously. But over the course of time, the arts that women in a society were taught to develop were much more intuitive. Embodied heart centered magic, centered expression centered. Right. What we were taught to do is hunt and fight and protect and kill. Right. Hundred thousand years of that. There's only been 50 years of us trying to catch up to them. So they, this is what I tell women all the time. I'm like, you got a hundred thousand year head start and you've got to give these guys who are trying to.
Give us some grace.
Yeah, give us a little grace.
Give us some grace.
Because you asked about the thread, the common thread, and the first one is that men want to love. Well, like really they do. Like they wouldn't come to me or. You know what I mean? They want to love their partners really well, so there's this really beautiful, innocent, deep yearning to be a good man, right? To be a deep, beautiful lover of their partner. And then I think what happens is they just, they get confused because the things that they thought worked aren't working. Right. And so where they, where they end up coming to me is there's a bit of confusion. Like, I'm successful, I've got, I'm a good dad. Like, I mean, I'm, you know, I mean, like we've got this incredible life and there's still this tension between us and. And so, yeah, I'd say the predominant experience is men feel confused as to why things aren't working. And I think it's basically, we weren't taught that these new practices and currencies were what really that the modern woman, you know, in a very small period place in society. I mean, I'm talking Western society, mainly heteronormative relating, right? All those things, but that the modern woman wants from us and, and feels is needed. And so they come like, going like, what am I doing wrong? And that's kind of where we start.
That's the unraveling. I love that you talked about domestic and then the lover. So there's like the romantic aspect and then there's the domestic aspect. I remember I heard Jordan Peterson say something like, there is nothing worse and a disservice to this world than an adult child, than a man who has ignored responsibility for decades. Not to shame this man. I mean, shit, Maybe in my 20s, that was me for sure, Certainly been me. But the complete almost ignorance and head in the sand aspect of men, where there's this chasing for hedonism. I was born and raised in Southern California and San Diego. So, you know, Pacific beach and all these tantalizing things and, you know, lots of unconscious sex and pornography and all these things that I've really done. Multiple vision quests, vipassana ceremonies, breathwork, to forgive myself for, just to forgive myself for, because that's where love comes from, is forgiveness. Do you find that aspect in yourself? When did you really accept responsibility for your life purpose? And how do you see that unfold where men could identify that in themselves?
Well, I think I accepted responsibility for my life purpose. It kind of was a process where I wasn't even looking to, wasn't like, this is my purpose, I'm going to do this. It was like, this is my practice. And I think I really committed to becoming a deep practitioner of what I, what I knew was going to change my life.
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